Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:
Kif · 17/05/2014 23:44

I wasn't a terribly picky child - but I did once go on an exchange trip - and when I left the host mum observed that the only thing she'd seen me eat the whole week was a small slice of chocolate cake every night.

It was true - but I hadn't thought it was a problem - just a bit shy - and since the host family didn't do formal meals, I found it easier to fill up in the school canteen at lunchtime.

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 23:45

The OP didn't ask the child what she liked. For the two meals she was there she was offered no choice. Pizza or nothing for dinner. Pancakes or nothing for breakfast. She was offered a range of snacks and chose an apple.

I'm failing to see how the OP 'did all she could' or 'gave reasonable choices'.

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/05/2014 23:45

The OP didn't ask the child what she liked. For the two meals she was there she was offered no choice. Pizza or nothing for dinner. Pancakes or nothing for breakfast. She was offered a range of snacks and chose an apple.

I'm failing to see how the OP 'did all she could' or 'gave reasonable choices'.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 23:46

I didn't say I didn't like your posts, I said they were irrelevant.

Sorry if that offended; it wasn't intentional.

I don't think the OP has got the message at all. She was fine when the first few posts said she wasn't BU, then she buggered off once the tide turned.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/05/2014 23:48

I'm still finding it odd that she doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that not everybody will like pizza or pancakes.

allthingspossible · 17/05/2014 23:49

Surely if your DD has a friend over you just feed them what makes the stay for them pleasant and comfortable if it is not a regular occurrence? I have this issue with my DD's friend, who only stays over once every six weeks or so. It is announced now before she stays, we are having xxxx for tea as I know she will eat it. It is one day/ eve of my life every now and again, not the end of the world. My daughter loves her dearly , wants her there so badly, and I have grown to accommodate her lovely friend's needs, not just food related, while in my house - it is not a hardship.
If this child was visiting every week then I could understand wanting to make a point over meals being served the same for everyone, but it was a sleepover. A sleepover means laxing regular rules somewhat. My son used to have some right sorts over the years!!! ' Tis a learning curve and sleepovers do not leave room for any control- freakery with other peoples' children in the mix if i am honest. You either do them or you don't. But my rule of thumb is that no-ones child should ever feel uncomfortable in my house if they are sleeping over. Different rules to just playing over and going home in my book.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/05/2014 23:51

Pizza and pancakes are two things my extemely fussy DS does actually like, however as he doesn't like potatoes (even chips), roast dinners, sausages, burgers, anything in breadcrumbs I am very aware that for any given popular food there are a few children who don't like it.

allthingspossible · 17/05/2014 23:52

I am confused, is the OP Aeroflogirl or is this now another child/food debate since the beginning? Honest question as joined late

OhIDoLikeToBeBeside · 17/05/2014 23:56

I hate you all - I have a lovely dinner planned for tomorrow and all I am going to want is pesto pasta. Quite fancy it now actually Grin

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/05/2014 23:57

Who as a child, pizza would be one of the few foods that could be absolutely guaranteed to make me panic when faced with it. Although I can mostly manage it now. Fortunately I can only ever remember being served it once at a friend's house.

Pancakes I love but I wouldn't for one moment think that everybody else would.

JohnCusacksWife · 17/05/2014 23:58

Oh, you can't possibly have pesto pasta. It isn't a proper meal, don't you know?! Grin

Kif · 18/05/2014 00:00

I have a massive phobia of baked beans won't even touch a plate that's had it on if DH fixed it for the kids because I kept having it insistently served to me as a child. just the smell makes me Envy

brdgrl · 18/05/2014 00:03

OP, I think you are getting an undeservedly hard time!

You know, I don't think it's that big a deal. Invite the girl again, and have a more specific talk with her mum first about what the girl might eat - a good chat about it will get you both on the 'same side', so to speak - she must find it frustrating too, and (unless the mum is actually completely indulgent or completely rude, which I think can't be ruled out but it is too soon to say!) the mum will probably be eager to find something that is easy for you to substitute. If it sounds really restrictive, you can even ask her for the brands she uses, and she might even offer to send something.
It'd just be a shame for the girls' if you and the mum can't sort it out between you. I'm not saying it is your responsibility to cope with the girl's food issues, just that it would be really nice for your DD if you gave it another go.

Dancergirl · 18/05/2014 00:04

I think you've been a bit mean.

Some children have food issues or anxiety. Even if she has been pandered to by her parents, that's not her fault is it??

I would feel I'd been a bad host if a child hasn't eaten at my house. So she didn't want the pancakes, so what, make her some toast as others have said. Make her feel comfortable.

And as for not inviting fussy children back.... What's that all about? What so you say when your dc if x can come again, 'no sorry darling, she's a fussy eater and we don't have that here'

ToysRLuv · 18/05/2014 00:11

I'm somewhat reassured that most people are reasonable and fairly unjudgy about picky eater visitors. I used to judge before had DS, but since.. definitely not. I used to judge my cousin who only ate cheerios (which had to be brought along on any foreign holidays) and pb sarnies, but grew up to eat anything and everything. Nothing to do with the parents.

We had a minor victory today with kiwi fruit. :) DS really likes it now. Still doesn't like mango (even though ate it until he was 18 months old, along with everything else), though tbf it is a bit "slimy" in texture DS also demolished a whole bunch of curly parsley as a snack.

starlight1234 · 18/05/2014 00:14

I make Home made pizza for DS and they are very different to a frozen pizza.

I think the problem came from your approach...If she has to have tea of what she likes when she gets in she is given exactly what she wants...Now as she is a guest not your child you need to play her way you to get food down her.

I also find the don't you like pancakes question missing quite shocking really.

My DS (6) went for a sleepover then school the next day. Mum text in a panic he had been given two types of cereal and refused and now was running out of time.. He eats breakfast for me but would happily go to school without so he did for one day. He had eaten his tea there though. I would of either had conversation with child or mum.

There is no way of predicting how kids will be with food. I have had children for tea asked what fave food was spag bol..turns out doesn't like meat ?? another whose mum picked him up I said he has had pizza and chips she said he doesn't like pizza but he ate it quite happily. ones that will eat bread and butter with cheese on the side but not together as a sandwich.

We all raise out kids differently they are not going to change for 24 hours in your house...Maybe you can look at how you could approach it differently next time.

Gennz · 18/05/2014 00:25

I wouldn't have eaten homemade pizza as a picky-eating child. It's a fear of the unknown. A frozen pizza is the same every time and thus a known quantity - homemade could have all sorts of weird variations thrown into it! Picky eating logic.

For the avoidance of doubt, I'd definitely prefer the home made option now but am 32 and supposedly grown up

Trillions · 18/05/2014 00:52

YANBU. Even for an 8yo, it's bad manners to go to someone's house as a guest and then turn your nose up at their food, let alone saying within earshot of your host as you leave that you'll need to go straight to the nearest takeaway pizza place! For that reason, I would not want to encourage a friendship and would not invite her again.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 18/05/2014 01:05

You are seriously petty enough to discourage a friendship because of that? I think that probably says more about you than it does about the 8 year old.

Gennz · 18/05/2014 01:17

I'm glad my best friend's mum didn't think like you Trillions I was definitely a super picky eater and I'm sure she thought I was a but odd but it would have been a shame to prevent a 27 year (and still going) friendship on that basis!

Ludoole · 18/05/2014 01:17

My friends mum forgot I was vegetarian when I was 9 and gave me bacon for tea... I was too frightened of refusing in case I offended her and spent the night vomiting at their house....

Saying that when I was 8 with a very badly broken arm they gave me spaghetti Bolognese. They insisted their child use a fork and spoon so I felt I had to too... It was a huge struggle!

My children are confident enough to say they don't particularly like something, but they will try it first (even if its just a mouthful), and they know if they really cant eat it to just politely ask for a slice of toast/bread and butter.

weatherall · 18/05/2014 01:17

You talk about good manners but I think it is very poor manners of you to refuse to invite this girl back.

You sound spiteful and petty and are taking it out on your DD and her friend.

Is rather have a fussy DD than one who turned out to be as inhospitable and frankly quite nasty about a child as you.

Original poster
ankar · 18/05/2014 02:59

Interested to read the many comments - had to go out then my internet has been down all evening....

Nothing much else to say except I am truly amazed at how many people would just give dcs the very few foods they will happily eat.

I know the family well enough to be pretty certain this is not a food issue but a general child controlling mum issue. In our house the child was happy and never upset, even when refusing food. She was a little rude at times I felt and obviously not used to things not being exactly as she wants.

To reply to the comments about wrongly assuming she would like pizza or pancakes - when you have had hundreds of kids in the house over the years, as we have, and every one has liked the food we offered, you are typically pretty experienced on the safe foods to offer which the majority of kids like. And even if they don't love the food, as they get older they can still eat some of it out of politeness. I have always done that and would expect all my dcs to do the same.

I won't have her for a sleepover again but obviously won't say why to my dd.

OP posts:
Gennz · 18/05/2014 03:01

It sounds to me like there are issues - the picky eating and the rudeness. It's not unreasonable to not want a rude child back, but I think it is unreasonable to bar a picky eating child (perhaps I just feel a bit defensive on behalf of my childhood self!)

Original poster
ankar · 18/05/2014 03:32

About the "buffet style" option - yes we do that when we have lots of people over, kids with their parents when it's not my responsibility to check the kids are eating. But that is a lot of work having lots of different dishes ready an I wouldn't have time to do that for one friend coming for a sleepover on a Friday night.

OP posts: