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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give up trying to feed this child?

968 replies

ankar · 17/05/2014 10:05

We had dd's best friend for a sleepover last night. The girls are both 8. My dd has done quite a few sleepovers before but her friend started only recently - a mixture of not wanting to initially and then wanting to but her mum being too anxious about it. Anyhow...she was finally allowed to come and it mostly went fine, the girls got along well and even did some sleeping.

However....this child would not eat anything! We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc. She refused everything at first but then later on was obviously really hungry as she did eat a couple of pieces of apple, but that was all she would eat. I just kind of shrugged to begin with and thought she wasn't hungry, but then I realised that she was, but she wouldn't eat our food.

In the morning I made pancakes which she also refused. She looked at the plate and said "I don't like them". By then I was worried but also a bit fed up of offering different things for her to turn her nose up at, so I just said "Well that's a pity" and didn't offer anything else. When her mum just came to pick her up she asked how things went and I said fine but she didn't want to eat anything so I hope she's not coming down with something as she seemed to have no appetite. The mum looked at me quite cross but didn't say anything, then on the way to the car I heard the girl asking if they could pick up pizza on the way home as she was starving!

What could I have done and should I have offered her something else in the morning?

OP posts:

Heathcliff27 · 17/05/2014 22:38

I think you did all you could. I feel there must be some anxiety issues there that you weren't party too.

I had extreme anxiety about eating for years. I used to be fine eating everything in sight then for some reason unknown to me I started to hate eating in front of anyone. I was 25 before I ate out in a restaurant, I don't like people seeing me eat. My family's ok but strangers not so. Even now at 41 I always have to sit in the chair with my back to the other people. Ridiculous I know.

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2014 22:40

Oh I do love a good judgey comment such as
Not running a restaurant
I don't offer an alternative
Children will not starve themselves
They know if they don't eat it they get nothing else.
All the posters who have written things like that or similar should give themselves a smug pat on the back - as I would have until I met my daughter!!!!!!
A child not fancying finishing all their vegetables before getting ice cream is VERY different to one that would rather go 3 or more days with NO food at all than eat something not on their very short " approved food list"

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/05/2014 22:43

We really tried and had them make their own pizzas, decorate biscuits and offered lots of general snacks like fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc.

If the child was going to eat she would've eaten something surely?
I thought forcing the issue around food was worse than offering a selection an letting the child chose if they want to eat.

By the morning whats the point? shes about to go home.

I think they tried hard enough. I would have been greatful as the parent if I'd understood how many choices were on offer.

RabbitSaysWoof · 17/05/2014 22:48

Heathcliff that's not rediculous I have a couple of friends like this, I think they prefer to just be left alone. Fair enough there are plenty of other ways to be social.

Heathcliff27 · 17/05/2014 22:49

Yeah its a strange one, i don't have an issue with knocking back vodka in front of anyone else!

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 17/05/2014 22:56

I've no problem with fussy eaters only wanting plain pasta or bread and butter or a particular frozen pizza or fish fingers, and would ask what they would eat beforehand (and have provided all of the above). It's when the parent says "Oh she won't eat anything but pop tarts and crisps," that I do hoick my judgy pants up very high indeed.

zzzzz · 17/05/2014 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 22:59

If it had been a one-off visit, rabbit, no harm done.

But the OP has decided on the strength of that one visit not to invite her DD's best friend round for any more sleepovers.

So the knock-on effect is much greater than just a few hours without enough food and an entire family ganging up on you about it

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2014 23:05

ZZZZZ, if that had happened to my DD then I doubt she would have been persuaded to go to a friends house for year ever a gains, let alone a sleepover. It probably would have set her back quite a bit food wise !

allthingspossible · 17/05/2014 23:10

Surely if your DD has a friend over you just feed them what makes the stay for them pleasant and comfortable if it is not a regular occurrence? I have this issue with my DD's friend, who only stays over once every six weeks or so. It is announced now before she stays, we are having xxxx for tea as I know she will eat it. It is one day/ eve of my life every now and again, not the end of the world. My daughter loves her dearly , wants her there so badly, and I have grown to accommodate her lovely friend's needs, not just food related, while in my house - it is not a hardship.
If this child was visiting every week then I could understand wanting to make a point over meals being served the same for everyone, but it was a sleepover. A sleepover means laxing regular rules somewhat. My son used to have some right sorts over the years!!! ' Tis a learning curve and sleepovers do not leave room for any control- freakery with other peoples' children in the mix if i am honest. You either do them or you don't. But my rule of thumb is that no-ones child should ever feel uncomfortable in my house if they are sleeping over. Different rules to just playing over and going home in my book.

OddFodd · 17/05/2014 23:18

Rabbit, what the OP did not do, at any stage of the proceedings from what I can tell is ask the child what she wanted to eat. She just presented her with a series of alternatives in the evening, got pissed off and gave her pancakes or nothing the following day.

Half the issue here seems to be about 'going to an effort'. Rather than buying in shop bought pizza, the OP made pizza. And then, not having learned her lesson, made pancakes the following morning. Are you seeing a theme here?

This thread reminds me a bit of the dinner tipping over the head one from the other week. And not in a good way

CrispyFern · 17/05/2014 23:22

Yes sorry I too think you were a bit mean in the morning.

I don't offer my children a choice every day. I decide and cook and serve, otherwise it would be soft boiled eggs always! And I would rather we all have porridge sometimes, or crumpets!

But I know what my children like so I can make things I know they will eat without asking. This girl might like everything except pancakes. You don't know.

And my children are different - they're not my guests! Don't you have to try to make a guest feel welcome?

dietcokeandwine · 17/05/2014 23:25

I have to say I read the OP and thought you were being fairly reasonable.

And then I read your subsequent posts...

Based on those you do sound judgemental, and smug, and intolerant, and really not that nice as an individual, to be honest. You come across as being the worst kind of smug mum who is convinced that you are Doing It Right and anyone else must be Doing It Wrong. Maybe that's not a true fair reflection of you, but it's how it comes across.

There is something slightly sad about these women who get so riled about a child daring to refuse their lovely home cooked food that they plan never to allow them to sleep over again. Sleepovers and play dates are about a lot more than food, after all.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 17/05/2014 23:27

Breakfast is the one meal when it is very easy for everyone to have what they prefer, mine are old enough to get their own now, but we have always all had different cereals, and DS is the only one who normally follows up with a bit of toast.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 23:27

In my house I will not cook 3 different meals for each child's taste, they eat what we are having. I ask at the beginning of each day what dd7 would like and cook it, ds2 years has no options as he's a toddler, but if dd did not eat her dinner or lunch, I would offer fruit no treats and toast,crumpet, cereal before bed.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 23:29

Fir a guest, I would do the same thing. Fir breakfast, it's toast, cereal, or beans on toast for example

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 23:33

And fruit and yoghurts

dietcokeandwine · 17/05/2014 23:38

But aeroflot can't you see that just in your last three posts you've proved yourself to be far more accommodating than the OP?

I'd do similar to you for guests, if I'm honest. But that includes a choice. Cereals or toast or fruit etc etc.

A sensible, healthy, reasonable choice.

Not 'my delicious homemade pancakes or you can fuck off you spoilt little madam' which is the tone exuded from the OP's posts.

Kif · 17/05/2014 23:38

Aero - but it's different for guests.

Visitor privileges, in my house, include being allowed to self cater from the corner shop (Dds friends), having a pick of a selection of specially purchased prominently branded food (DSs friends).

Gennz · 17/05/2014 23:39

I was like this as a kid, super picky and really only interested in very bland food - I lived on ham sandwiches and apples mostly. I often refused food at friend's houses but would never have asked for anything else as I wouldn't have wanted to impose. In fact once aged about 7 I was forced to eat a piece of tomato at a friend's house and I involuntarily regurgitated it at the table, to the absolute horror of myself and my friend's family I just had a total aversiona nd distrust of vegetables! I wasn't bratty or attention seeking, just very very picky - and my parents cooked a very limited, traditional menu so I hadn't been exposed to anything very unusual. If people asked me what I wanted I would have said "I'm fine thanks I'm not hungry" as I would have been embarrassed at all the attention!

Now I eat just about anything or I did before I got pregnant and my palate regressed to that of a 7 year old so I don't think it's worth stressing over.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/05/2014 23:40

aeroflot I'm not sure what point you're trying to make with your multiple posts.

The OP isn't about your DCs. It's irrelevant what you feed yours.

Gennz · 17/05/2014 23:42

My parents didn't cater to my fussiness I should add, if I didn't like what they'd cooked for dinner I got a packet of raisins ad a marmite sandwich on a good day. On a bad day, my dad and I would sit at the table long after everyone else had left in an epic battle of wills to make me eat my veges. I took to wearing my dressing gown to the table so I could slip them into my pockets.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 23:42

Kif I would offer various options and ask the parents what they like fir guests. I've never had chikdren sleepover as dd has ASD and goes to special school, but when kids have come over for a few hours I've asked them what they like prepare it, if they don't eat no biggie.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/05/2014 23:43

Right suburban, I'm allowed to post even if you don't like it. But I think op got the message now, I think will offer more options if there is a next time

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/05/2014 23:44

I think if the OP had offered toast, cereal or fruit and yoghurts when the child wouldn't eat the pancakes she'd be getting less criticism. But she didn't, she was still so riled about the meal from the night before she decided to act like a spoilt child and refuse to offer an alternative. An alternative that would have been part of the standard offer for breakfast in most places.

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