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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 08:58

It seems strange that you decided to go to this important family occasion without DS, tbh. Is his behaviour naughty that you and DH can't keep him entertained for a flight to the US and during the wedding? Presumably the PIL will be there too and could help you if you find DS so difficult to control?
If he really is so naughty that you and DH cant control him, then perhaps this is why DSis doesn't want to look after him for nearly a week?
regardless of that, her weekend away is as important to her as your US trip is to you, so YABU to automatically expect her to change her plans without discussing it with her in advance.
I don't think her attitude is strange, but I am perplexed about your initial decision not to take DS - because if you feel so strongly about family, then why exclude DS from this family event?
Are you maybe miffed because your child-free week-long trip has been booted into touch?

Longtalljosie · 17/05/2014 08:58

This is where Mumsnet differs from everyone else I've ever met in real life. Yes, of course family usually helps each other out like this. I'd have my sister's three children in this situation in a heartbeat, even though the house would burst and the thought gives me the fear. Because that's what family does. Your sister is being very short-sighted, I hope she's had a strong premonition she's never on her uppers in this way...

BoffinMum · 17/05/2014 09:00

Longtall, a lot of families don't do this kind of thing.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 17/05/2014 09:01

Most people would do it, if they had been asked rather than just volunteered and if the OP hadn't just assumed it would be fine.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 09:01

ImsoOverIt I don't think so. OP has posted far too many follow up posts to try and justify herself.

Badvoc · 17/05/2014 09:02

Long tall....it would have to be an emergency of epic scale for me to even consider asking my sister to have my dc for 6 days and nights!
That isn't saying she wouldn't do it btw, but its just too much to ask when it's not a real emergency.

jacks365 · 17/05/2014 09:04

Longtall I would help out my siblings in a heartbeat if they asked for help but they would not take the piss and just expect me to drop everything without even asking.

diddl · 17/05/2014 09:04

I'd like to think that I'd step in and help my sister but I don't know tbh.

6 days with a child that the parents didn't want to take??

CeliaFate · 17/05/2014 09:05

I can understand why you would ask this of your sister, as dh and I would agree to do it for our family.

My sister would do it without question, dh's brother would not and it's the thought of your sibling not being willing to reciprocate that's upsetting I think.

It makes you evaluate your relationship with them.

She's right though, your plans don't "trump" hers, so I guess if she has said no, then you'll have to stay home and take the loss.

Not very kind of your sister to speak to you like that though.

flowery · 17/05/2014 09:05

"This is where Mumsnet differs from everyone else I've ever met in real life. Yes, of course family usually helps each other out like this. I'd have my sister's three children in this situation in a heartbeat, even though the house would burst and the thought gives me the fear. Because that's what family does. Your sister is being very short-sighted, I hope she's had a strong premonition she's never on her uppers in this way..."

So everyone you've ever met wouldn't mind at all if their sister just assumed they'd look after their naughty children for a week without even asking? Goodness, you are a saintly bunch of doormats

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 09:05

longtall your comments are irrelevant. Both sisters had plans; one of them is assuming her wants trump the other's. One of the sisters did the sensible thing of arranging alternative cover. The other just sat on her arse assuming her wants would be catered to.

CeliaFate · 17/05/2014 09:06

I will add though, you should have asked her yourself in person.

KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 09:09

Agree that ideally family should help out in emergencies.
But...
This isn't an emergency.
DSis wasn't given the courtesy of being asked face-to-face.
OP didn't want to take DS to this family event because he is so naughty.
Holidays/breaks are important to people. Maybe this is the one chance DSis has of a break?

Why should DSis give up her weekend away because OP fancies a week without her naughty child?
It's the difference between being helpful and being put-upon.

Backinthering · 17/05/2014 09:09

OP I'm sorry for your sister.

McFox · 17/05/2014 09:10

I'm with your sister - how bloody rude and selfish do you sound?! So she should - without even being asked - drop her plans because you can't be arsed looking after your own child during what you have decreed to be a much more important event than her own. I'm shocked that you'd even consider that she might be out of line!!

I'd do anything to help my sister out, but this is ludicrous. Calling you a "smug married" seems restrained to me.

CaptWingoBings · 17/05/2014 09:11

To go off your title, the point is you didn't ask! You would not have been unreasonable to ask but by golly you were unreasonable to assume.

gymboywalton · 17/05/2014 09:13

am i the only person who thinks the sister is unreasonable? i think she sounds like a right bitch!

i do think that you get an alternative flight with your son and meet your dh there though

Bonsoir · 17/05/2014 09:16

What a colossally unreasonable OP.

TheIronGnome · 17/05/2014 09:18

I think she's being quite rude- you are a bit stuck and asking for a favour, I would do it for my sister. Your plans are more important than a visit to a friend tbh.

But- DID you actually ask her or did you assume? That makes a big difference.

I would also think about your parenting strategies if you're worried about your 3 year olds behaviour to that extent. A flight to the US is a long way and is hard work for a young child but the way you speak makes it sound like it goes far beyond that.

diddl · 17/05/2014 09:23

""You're a smug married with the 'takes a village' attitude that all you smug marrieds have when it suits you, and your plans aren't more important that mine.""

She sounds pretty pissed off to have said that!

wheresthelight · 17/05/2014 09:23

I think you're misguided and thoughtless

You should have asked her for her help rather than just expecting it to be ok which youbhave admitted so well done.

I have to say I have been in a similar situation with a friend who like you assumed i would have her kids (both awful in behaviour) so she could go away with her boyfriend. I declined as I had plans to go away having not long come out of hospital and having left my husband a few weeks before - all of which she knew. Apparently my need for a break wasn't as big as hers despite her having been on holiday a few weeks previously with her kids and me not having been anywhere in 3 years. Needless to say we are no longer friends.

CSIJanner · 17/05/2014 09:24

TBH if this was my sister, I wold kick off about the assumption but I would help out. Having said that, 6days is a big ask especially as you say, DS is in the troublesome threes at the moment. You should have rung her up as soon as your mum cancelled and asked her.

Do as Badvoc says - change your flight and take your son. However I have the feeling that neither your nor your sister will be asking for childcare favours from each other again.

gymboywalton · 17/05/2014 09:24

i took my 3 year old on a 7 hour flight when he was three and he wa a dream by the way.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 09:25

TheIronGnome why exactly are the OP's plans more important? What a ridiculous statement. Both had plans, one rearranged things the other thinks she's such a princess her sister should drop everything for her.

YouAreCompletelyRight · 17/05/2014 09:26

Change flights and take your son with you, or stay at home and wave DH off.

This is not an emergency.

When was the last time you had your sister's kid for a weekend or more?

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