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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 09:26

TheIronGnome the OP didn't ask; she and her mother just assumed.

Dosydoly · 17/05/2014 09:27

I don't think OP is being unreasonable at all, I would do it for my sisters in a heartbeat and I know they would for me, DH's sister on the other hand would not! Could you suggest she goes the following weekend and you have her child then? I hope you sort something OP you must be so upset.

shakinstevenslovechild · 17/05/2014 09:27

Wow, assuming a single parent, who has other plans, will drop everything to take care of a 3 year old who is so naughty his 2 parents can't cope with him on a holiday, and then falling out with the person who said no when she was eventually consulted about it, is so far beyond unreasonable that you can't even see unreasonable anymore.

Unreasonable is a dot to you Grin

flowery · 17/05/2014 09:28

"I think she's being quite rude- you are a bit stuck and asking for a favour"

IronGnome the OP has already made clear that she wasn't "asking for a favour" at all, she was just assuming her sister would cancel her plans and look after her child for a week.

purplemunkey · 17/05/2014 09:29

OP has gone very quiet - probably didn't like the YABU majority response. I think its unfair to assume the sister's 'smug marrieds' comment comes from jealousy. It could instead stem from irritation of the complete lack of empathy for her own situation as a single parent and assuming that taking on another child for six days is a given.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 09:30

Dosydoly why are you assuming the sister and her friend can just do the following week-end?

Or do you think as the OP does being married with children makes your lives more important than everyone else's?

JaneParker · 17/05/2014 09:31

Take the child. We took baby twins across the Atlantic and when they were 2/3 IF the couple being married are happy to have children there. If you cannot find flights consider hiring childcare and paying like the rest of us do. There are loads of grannies and sixth formers out there and if you can afford it child hotels in London with trained nannies if you prefer to leave your child behind.

5madthings · 17/05/2014 09:33

Yabvu! Who the fuck just assumes anyone will cancel their plans to look after a child for six days!! Even if it is her nephew, you just assumed and her comment to you about 'it takes a village etc' sounds like this isn't the first time you have taken the piss.

I would do this for my sister, but she wouldn't have assumed and she would have asked nicely and be hugely grateful.

Dancergirl · 17/05/2014 09:35

If I was the sister, I would change my weekend and look after my nephew. It makes no odds to her to do her trip another time but the wedding can't be moved.

OddFodd · 17/05/2014 09:35

I was going to say that I thought your sister was being a bit mean but then realised that you're going for 6 days which is a long time to ask anyone to look after your child, particularly when they're a noisy naughty 3 year old.

I suspect however that your fatal error was 'said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me ... Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it'

That's it, right there. You and your mother assumed. Never a good idea

MarshaBrady · 17/05/2014 09:35

Her sister does have a child, he's going to the father. So that is the arrangement for that weekend, why should that be changed too? Who knows maybe the father has planned stuff to do with him.

Crazy, and the assumption that it would just happen. No wonder the sister is annoyed.

weatherall · 17/05/2014 09:36

OP you lost me at the 'leave him with a stranger' comment.

Nice swipe at all the hardworking mums who use childcare there.

You do sound like a smug married.

Maybe you should have been more helpful with your single parent DSIS over the years.

I'm guessing you've never offered to take her DCS for 6 nights?

gamerchick · 17/05/2014 09:38

Maybe it was the assuming that tipped the sister over the edge.. maybe the OP is accustomed to having people run around after her. I am rather curious to what the other side of the story is.

2rebecca · 17/05/2014 09:41

I'd stay at home. I think 2 transatlantic flights in a week with a noisy badly behaved toddler sounds like misey. If your husband goes alone he can relax on the flights and enjoy himself so one of you has a good holiday. You have a few days off work booked for the holiday so can stay in the UK and go somewhere more suited to your toddler for a few days or go and visit your mum and help support her.
Your sister has done nothing wrong. You have plans, she has plans. 6 days is a long time to look after someone else's child and yours sounds hard work.

ikeaismylocal · 17/05/2014 09:43

Yabu. An expensive trip is not more important than a cheap trip,

Why would you sister want to look after your naughty child when she has a rare weekend child free?

Your not willing to leave your child with a stranger but you'd be willing to leave him with someone who doesn'twant to look after him.

It sounds like you might need to start leaving him with strangers as it sounds like he has naughtyness issues that are not being addressed.

MaryWestmacott · 17/05/2014 09:45

If you can't cope for one flight with your DC, it's unreasonable to expect your sister to cope for 6 days, even if she didn't already have plans. But she does.

OP - see if you can change your flight to one you can get your DS on. This shouldn't cost too much. Make it a night flight and hopefully he'll sleep. If not, you and DH take it in turns to walk him up and down. People are usually nice to children on flights.

flowery · 17/05/2014 09:48

OP when your mum told you she couldn't have him your next step should have been a phone call to your sister along these lines...

"Hi sis. Listen I know it's a huge imposition, but do you think there's any chance you could ask your friend if you could postpone your trip so you can look after DS so I can go to this wedding? I wouldn't normally ask but I'd really like to go. Obviously I'd owe you big time and would of course look after your DC when you do go away."

I think in those circumstances most people would help if they could.

As an aside, why is this "ripping your family apart"? Confused Hopefully you are just being over dramatic there, but on the face of it, your sister is quite rightly unhappy at the massive assumption and being taken for granted, and you are frustrated that you can't go to the wedding. But pretty easily fixed, surely?

OddFodd · 17/05/2014 09:53

I'm a single parent and if my sister had called me and said something along the lines of flowery's post, I might have agreed. But assuming that I'd pick up the slack? No chance

whatever5 · 17/05/2014 09:57

My first thought was that it was a bit mean that your sister won't help you out but actually it was really unreasonable of you just to assume she didn't have better plans of her own. Did she hear that she was expected to look after your dd from your mother rather than you? If so that would have being very annoying and really wouldn't put her in a helpful frame of mind.

You should have asked her really nicely in the first place (as soon as you knew your mother couldn't do it) and offered to do a big favour for her in return e.g. you could look after her DC for a week in the future if she wanted to go on holiday with friends.

I think that it's too late now and you need to change your flight so that your three year old can go with you.

ZenNudist · 17/05/2014 09:58

YABU you've been presumptuous but I think your sisters comments were uncalled for . No no no would have sufficed.

Rebecca2014 · 17/05/2014 10:00

Your son is such an handful that you didn't even want to take him on the holiday! Yet you are happy for your sister who is an single parent to look after him for an week!

I have an very active two year and none of my family members would have her that long, I understand and would never expect them too just because they are family.

Shewhowines · 17/05/2014 10:02

Let's not forget the sister might also have to have time off work too.
How much holiday has she got left?
Has she already got plans for what she has left?

Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 10:04

Just out of interest as this has been a trip sister has been waiting to go on for a long time, why have neither you nor your mother never had her DC so she can do this trip before now?

SanityClause · 17/05/2014 10:04

If anyone has let you down, it's your mother.mshe said she would do the babysitting, but then chose not to. (I understand the reasons for her choice, but nonetheless, it was a choice.)

Your sister has not committed to you in any way. It would have been nice for you if she could have done the babysitting for you, but she has not let you down, and it is not her fault.

There are still options available to you. Find an alternative flight. Get a professional nanny. Choose them, or don't go. But don't blame your sister if you don't go.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 17/05/2014 10:04

I think you sister is being mean, but you have no choice but to suck it up, be gracious and offer to help out next time she has an emergency. I'm a great believer in turning the other cheek.

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