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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
grobagsforever · 17/05/2014 07:55

One friend has cancelled her cinema plans tomorrow and I am beyond grateful.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 17/05/2014 07:58

Yabu. Your mum was looking after your son for very nearly a week. She was having your sister's dc for a weekend. If you were just asking her to cancel weekend plans then I'd think she could at least try to help out. But your mum won't be able to have your son at all in that 6 day period. So it's a big difference from 'can you have ds for the weekend' to 'can you have ds for the week'.

SisterMoonshine · 17/05/2014 08:03

Did she actually say that? The 'smug married...village' thing.
That makes me think she came here asking if she was BU.

meandcoffeeequalhappy · 17/05/2014 08:05

YAB extremely U expecting your sister to cancel her weekend, so you can go off on yours. Take your toddler and learn to parent him so you can cope with his behavioral traits, or book a baby sitter for the times your mother is working and hope she'll do nights, or your H goes alone. It is not that hard. If I were your sister or mother I would be really annoyed at the begging and pleading, really I would. You are not showing respect for them and their time, and anything they do it a favour not an obligation. You should really apologise and hope they are not hurt.

BoffinMum · 17/05/2014 08:06

Childcare emergency is visiting a sick relative for 72 hours. This is not in that league. Change flights, take 3 year old, come back on here for advice about how to entertain fractious children on long flights (which many of us have managed to do without too many problems).

YABU

pluCaChange · 17/05/2014 08:08

Actually, I bet your sister is a bit relieved you and your DM didn't ask her "nicely", or the pressure for her to fold might have been unbearable!

AramintaDeWinter · 17/05/2014 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hellokittycat · 17/05/2014 08:09

Wow, you are being really really unreasonable!
You want your single parent sister to cancel her own long awaited holiday to look after your spoilt un disciplined child so you can go to a wedding of people you've not actually met and you can't be bothered to ASK your sister to do this. You just assume she will then are cross at her when she doesn't!
I'd be very upset with the situation if I were your sister!

sandgrown · 17/05/2014 08:11

As a grandparent I often babysit for DC.I would be gutted if I had to let them down when I had agreed to have their children but I know if at all possible my other DC would step in. In our family we help each other out. They also have close friends who would help even if it meant splitting the time between them.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 17/05/2014 08:12

You've got more to worry about than the wedding tbh.

Your relationship with your sister and your son's behaviour are the bigger picture. What will you be doing to address these?

YABVU

MarshaBrady · 17/05/2014 08:14

Yabu

You admit you don't want to take him because of his behaviour, but you expect your sister will jump at the chance to look after him for a weekend.

And you seen to expect it, and she's doing this bad thing to you, which never goes down well.

bigkidsdidit · 17/05/2014 08:26

Just take your own child on the flight with you like everyone else. This is not an emergency.

Shewhowines · 17/05/2014 08:29

I think it's something that family should do for each other. It Is NBU to hope that she will go to her friends a week or two later while you look after her ds, or even she could negotiate you having her son for a week so she could go on a proper break.

I think this all fell down with a lack of communication. I think if you had approached her with an offer in exchange, she might have been more amenable.

I suppose it also involves her having time off work, which is a big ask. Does her son go to school? If he does she would be spending 4 weekdays of her holiday alone with your "naughty" son, as well as the weekend she should have been away. It's probably a bigger "ask" than you realised.

Having said that, I'd like to think in my family we would help each other out in a situation like that though.

jaynebxl · 17/05/2014 08:29

Can your dh's family help?

dexter73 · 17/05/2014 08:33

I imagine the dh's family will all be at the wedding.

TheDoctorSandshoesAndGrandad · 17/05/2014 08:33

YABVU

I can't belive you don't have the insight to realise why!

grumblepuss · 17/05/2014 08:43

Yabu.
Look at it from your sisters point if view.
Finds out her mum can't babysit, hears nothing from flossie. she asks her ex nicely if he can look after his son for an extra weekend.
Still hears nothing from Flossie and assumes she has managed to also find an alternative and carries on planning her long looked forward to weekend.
Then finds out that its been ASSUMED that she'd have Flossie's son for six days. No one has checked with her, or asked if she could?
She's prob only going from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 08:43

You are utterly unreasonable. Where to start?
I suppose the hysterical title is as good a place as any. It's not an emergency. It's a minor inconvenience.

To you and the thankfully few posters who think your sister's friend can just be put off; you have no idea if that is the case. This "family" wedding does not trump her plans and you have no idea whether her friend can rearrange.

6 people have plans. At present 5 of them can stick to their plans. Sister and friend can have their weekend, your husband can go to the wedding, his brother and fiancée (whom you've never even met- was twin thrown in to try and make the wedding sound more important? Are husband and brother that close if you've never even met the bride? ) can still get married.

You expected your sister and her friend, without you even bothering to ask, to cancel their plans to accommodate you and your sister to look after your difficult 3 year old for almost a week.

You owe her a huge, genuine apology.

PicaK · 17/05/2014 08:44

YABU. Your sister needs a MASSIVE and heartfelt apology for the assumption you made. She is not the problem here.

Only1scoop · 17/05/2014 08:46

Wow yabvu....

Is the flight really full now?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/05/2014 08:47

When I first read your OP, I thought the "emergency" what a planned CS or something like that. Sorry OP but a wedding isn't an emergency. Admittedly, if it was my sister, I would be bloody pissed off and wouldn't be doing her any favours in the near future but she shouldn't have to give up her weekend for you.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/05/2014 08:51

What else have you done for your sister to call you a smug married?

Only1scoop · 17/05/2014 08:52

6 days and nights I hadn't read that bit....Blimey.
Yabvvvvvvu.

ImSoOverIt · 17/05/2014 08:56

Is this a reverse?! Smile

ImSoOverIt · 17/05/2014 08:58

And I'm guessing that phone call was to confront her, about her "unreasonable" behaviour, so I am not surprised she told you where to get off if I'm honest.