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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
Morgause · 17/05/2014 07:12

No matter how much I love my sister I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than look after a naughty 3 year old for longer than overnight.

YABU, sorry.

flowery · 17/05/2014 07:12
  1. This is not a childcare emergency
  2. Yes it's disappointing she doesn't want to help you out, however...
  3. Looking after someone else's naughty 3 year old for a week is a huge ask and
  4. You didn't actually ask at all, you just assumed she would drop her long awaited plans and do this pretty massive thing for you. That's pretty outrageous of you tbh and I expect that's the reason she has decided not to help. I don't blame her.
Kitsmummy · 17/05/2014 07:16

Yab totally unreasonable, I wonder how many other times you have treated your sister like a minion...

pinkdelight · 17/05/2014 07:17

I wouldn't do it if I was your sister. Sounds like she's a single mum too, so would go from a much anticipated weekend break to being saddled with a difficult 3-year-old (missing his parents) as well as her usual responsibilities. In your situation if I desperately wanted to go with DS, I'd book an emergency nanny. Wouldn't cost as much as a flight and no family friction. Why are you doing that? Emergency child care - does what it says on the tin!

pinkdelight · 17/05/2014 07:17

Go without DS that should've said

ImSoOverIt · 17/05/2014 07:19

We went to see some friends over the Easter weekend. It had been arranged for ages, dp booked the Monday of work, our hosts have a job in which they work weekends so they booked time off, and they also planned a bit of an itinerary of things to do/places to eat etc.

If a friend, or my brother, had asked me to babysit that weekend, I'd have said "sorry, I have plans", despite going by car and not losing money on train tickets etc if we cancelled.

We don't have much money, and while weekends away "visiting friends" may seem superficial to you, they are the only holidays we get. I couldn't imagine turning around to someone who had been expecting us for weeks and saying "sorry, I need to babysit while someone else goes away."

Sorry op, but I think you are fixated on what your sis is "doing to you". She has plans. That option is not feasible. Find someone else or try to work around it another way. It can be done, childcare emergencies are part of wing a parent, and where there is a will there is a way! Smile

nomorequotes · 17/05/2014 07:21

I imagine the idea of looking after a naughty 3 year old single handed for a week along with her own child is too much for her OP.

Greyhound · 17/05/2014 07:21

YABU - your child is not your sister's responsibility.

It's hardly an emergency...

HighwayDragon · 17/05/2014 07:22

Wait, you sister is a single parent and you assumed she would look after a naughty 3 year oldfor a week YABVU

Get your sons behaviour in check, re-adjust your attitude and have more respect for your sister, hth Smile

londonrach · 17/05/2014 07:28

Yabu your child your problem. Why should your sister cancel her leave to help as she sorted out alternative child care for herself. Sounds like you and your mum didn't ask your sister. Very entitled. Yes family helps but this situation isn't life threatening. Your dh will have to go on himself.

Bluestocking · 17/05/2014 07:31

I remember spending a single afternoon looking after my sister's son when he was a very badly behaved three year old. I was happy to do it for one afternoon but there's no way I'd have taken him on for nearly a week.
Surely the important thing, OP, is that your DH gets to go to his DB's wedding? I don't suppose the DB actually gives two hoots whether you are there or not, and your OP makes it sound as though you've never met the bride, so apart from (possibly) losing the price of the flight, no harm's been done, so stop using words like "heartbroken" and "devastated".
As to your relationship with your sister - a heartfelt apology for taking her for granted would seem to be in order.

Rhianna1980 · 17/05/2014 07:31

Your sister is selfish. I would have looked after your child even if they were as you said a handful. Brothers and sisters look after one another in the time of need. Thanks I hope you get sorted.

pinkdelight · 17/05/2014 07:33

I just spotted your dismissal of using a nanny - 'leave my child with a stranger for six days - never!'

That there, then, is the entitled attitude. To expect a six-day child-free holiday whilst someone else in your family looks after your DS! Who expects that outside of perhaps their own honeymoon. It's nice, sure, if a family member offers, but to expect it?? When you say you and dsis have looked after each others kids, I'm sure it's not on this scale. Only a mum or a saint or a paid professional would do it. Look after your own kid.

Totally agree with the person who said if you could handle your own kid (between the pair of you!) on a flight, this would never have been a problem!

MintyCoolMojito · 17/05/2014 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBungle · 17/05/2014 07:34

I can't believe some posters think the sister is unreasonable! The sister is a single parent and I expect is looking forward to her break. Why on earth is her break less important than op's?

And, I would be very annoyed if my relative just decided that I would cancel my plans and look after their 3 year old for nearly A WEEK without even bothering to ask me. A week is a bloody big ask.

I think yabu op. Perhaps if you'd asked her nicely with some sort of offer of having her child so she could go away she might have been more willing.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 17/05/2014 07:37

I would do this got my sister.

However she would ask. Nicely. And neither of us would assume.

And as for your son being naughty. Sort it out. No one thinks that's cute. Perhaps she has no desire to spend her holiday time looking after s badly behaved child as a favor to an ungrateful sister.

YABU

Waltonswatcher1 · 17/05/2014 07:42

Gee , why do some people have kids ?

ImSoOverIt · 17/05/2014 07:47

Hop - really? Show me a three year old that isn't naughty occasionally and I will make you a cup of tea in a chocolate teapot. My dd is three and going through a bit of a "phase" at the moment. We took her on a long haul flight to India when she was two, but don't think I would risk that right now.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 17/05/2014 07:48

She didntt say he was naughty occasionally (normal), she said she he was naughty.

Badvoc · 17/05/2014 07:51

Change your flight and fly with your son.
This is it a childcare emergency, it's you wanting a child free holiday.
Yabu.

pluCaChange · 17/05/2014 07:52

I'm interested in your mother's role in this bust-up. She encouraged you to believe your sister would step in, and you accepted that without question. Is that because that is always the way it works?

If so, you've got to stop it right now, as that really will tear your family apart (rather than your sister's justifiable refusal to do something she wasn't even asked to do).

Your sister's comment that you have an "it takes a village mentality" when it suits you indicates she is sick of ending up on the wrong side of obligations: have her sister's tiring 3yo so DSis can go to a wedding (and it is an IL wedding, so a "married" thing to do), but she gets no acknowledgement of her own plans. She had, after all, been waiting to visit that friend for a long time, before your DM suddenly said she would have both children (not hers alone, which may be significant)

The fact that neither your mother nor you asked her to change her plans indicates that you're both taking her for granted (at least on this occasion, but, to be honest, this was a big and cheeky enough assumption). If you want a relationship with your sister, perhaps you ought to start having one, instead of allowing your mother to plan everything for both of you, and instead of using your sister as her own understudy.

Let this issues of this wedding go. You don't have to go to a wedding. People understand if one half of a couple stays at home (especially if it's the mother staying behind Hmm). Also, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun, to be wrangling a jet-lagged DS throughout a day when your DH is busy with his brother (see, it doesn't feel great, does it to have a someone else's sibling take up help which you could do with).

Badvoc · 17/05/2014 07:53

Oh, and for future reference, a childcare emergency is when you are alone (dh away or LP) and one of your dc needs to be rushed to hospital in the middle of the night.
You see the difference?

grobagsforever · 17/05/2014 07:53

OP I am 7 months pregnant with SPD and DP was admitted to hospital on Thursday with unexplained, very worrying symptoms. I have a reasonably well behaved three year old. Several friends have offered childcare help so I can visit DP and put my building site of a house back together. They all offered, I would never dream of just expecting help. But then again I have an actual childcare emergency. Six days childcare for a jolly? From a single parent? YABU - so selfish.

meganorks · 17/05/2014 07:54

YABU because you didn't ask. Even if your sister didn't have plans this is a massive favour. I would have spoken to her straight away to ask if she could help. But the fact that you knew she did have plans makes it even worse. And from your sisters response it sounds like that might be what she has the issue with. You could have offered to have her child for the rearranged weekend for her visit, maybe offered to buy her and her friend lunch or something. But instead you just assumed.
In your circumstances I would be willing to help out a close friend or relative if asked really nicely. But if it was just assumed I would tell them to piss off!

lotsofcheese · 17/05/2014 07:55

OP, could you change your flights to night times & take your DS? Perhaps he'd sleep & it would be an easier journey?

It also sounds like you have to tackle his behaviour.