Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

[FlossieLondon]

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

Surely it's only ripping your family apart if you let it?

Your mum can't, your sister wasn't asked before she'd rearranged her own childcare.

It's no one's fault from what I can see.

Unless you want to blame yourself/husband for not thinking of taking him in the first place or you not going in the first place?

"Has the manager given the mum notice in writing to cancel her leave? I haven't read the lot but I do know as true that the notice has to be at least twice the holiday as someone has already said."

No, you don't "know" that, because it's nonsense. An employee has to give twice the amount of notice as the duration of the holiday he/she wants. An employer has to give the same amount of notice as the duration of the holiday to cancel.

"Is taking booked leave gross misconduct which merits instant dismissal? I doubt it. Ring your local CAB for advice."

It wouldn't be booked leave, it would be cancelled leave, which would make it unauthorised absence.

I'm giving up now. I shouldn't go on AIBU threads as you get loads of people who have no business doing so giving completely inaccurate advice about employment law as if they know it to be fact.

Don't let your mother endanger her job just so you can go to a wedding, really please don't. Even though it's your husband's twin. He has to go alone, it's a shame, but there we are.

I notice re your sister's ex being asked to take your son, you said she told you she had asked him "and I have to believe her". In other words, to some degree you doubt that she did. I wonder why? (You're under no obligation to tell us, of course, but I am curious).

Your mum presumably is the one offering to go to CAB rather than you asking, but like other posters I think you should tell her to leave it.

This was in your OP:

"Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped"

So why on earth are you okay with her risking that job just so that you can go to a wedding?

Please listen to Flowery, she's our resident expert and gives expensive advice for free. If your dm refuses to accept that her leave is cancelled, she will be taking unauthorised leave at a time when she's desperately needed.

Flowery, I always appreciate you popping up, because then I know which advice is flawed. Having a voice you can trust is invaluable. Please don't stop!

I really hope you are not expecting your mum to rock the boat with her employers and cause problems regarding them asking her to cancel her leave. Regardless of the legalities of what they have asked of her, if she starts causing them problems and being awkward then they will hold no loyalty to her in the future and and you are being massively unreasonable in wanting her to do this.

I think you have been massively unreasonable anyway but you have admitted that anyway.

My sister has a naughty child and if she wanted me to have him for almost a week even if I wasn't going anywhere then the answer would be no. Just because she is my sister does not mean I have to do everything she asks (Or in your case just expects) of me.

Did you actually call your mum to say 'someone on the internet told me you can still have your leave'? Because, if you did, that's putting massive amounts of pressure on your mum.

Also I think as head chef, with a sous chef walking out, rocking the boat with this leave situation would most probably lead to finger pointing in your mums direction regrading the state of affairs in the kitchen with staff junior to her being so dissatisfied they are walking out of her kitchen. I'm not saying mum is anyway responsible but unscrupulous employer may well take this opportunity to shift this all on to your mums shoulders with possibly uncomfortable consequences

OP you sound very manipulative. You keep saying that your mum offered, that you didn't ask but you have also said that your mum offered after you were talking to her about how worried you were about the flight. Also how can you say that your sister resents you buying your mum a big present if she doesn't know about it?

only on MN is there this expectation that people should be utterly self-reliant and anything else is 'entitled' (god, how I would love to ban that word from MN!).

For what it's worth I would absolutely do this for my sister, and her DD can be a bit difficult - it's for a pretty important occasion (again, only on MN is the wedding of a sibling of no importance). If I had arranged to see a chum I would ring them and let them know the circumstances, apologise and re-arrange - again, can't imagine any of my friends thinking badly of this - these things happen.

The only thing the OP did wrong was assume her sister would step in rather than actually ask her, which was daft. But my goodness, I'd like to think that my sister and I can count on each other to help each other out if at all possible.

OP it sounds like on good thing that has come out of this is that it's opened up communication between you and your sister and cleared the air. I think you need to accept totally that your mum isn't able to help out on this occasion, and fingers crossed you can get another flight.

Flowery I agree with what you say which is right. I just wasn't expressing myself very well. Sorry!

I have been asked to cancel a trip by an employer but my union rep sorted this out in a flash so I know this can be done. I've seen this happen last minute many times, due to sickness or whatever and threatening or bullying a staff member is not the way. (I've seen this happen to an 8 months pregnant lady chef with a booked day off when the head chef went sick.). Totally unacceptable behaviour It's what catering agencies are there for - to provide emergency cover.

Of course I'm guessing the lady in question isn't in a union or she could have straight on to them about it.

Came out of catering 5 years due to back problems from years of standing. If I was able I'd offer to stand in for the chef so she could have her leave.

And I'd have her manager running for cover if he gave me any shit.

By the way if they haven't been able to find a replacement sous why would this person worsen matters by firing his head chef? Good chefs are hard to come by.

It's not necessarily about firing but they could make things difficult.

I really don't think this wedding is important enough to risk your mums job over, honestly.

Oh op, this is a sad situation for you but I don't think your mum should risk getting sacked by trying to get her leave back on a technicality - you should be making her feel alright about it, not telling her to go to the CAB. I know you've lost money but you don't want your poor mum to feel worse or risk a job you say she needs.

You say this isn't a child-free jolly, but six days? For a wedding? That's a holiday. Weddings last a day, what stopped you flying in the day before and flying back the day after? I know flights are expensive, but if it's the wedding that means so much to you, surely that would have been the sensible option?

Don't jeopardise your mum's job over this. It's unbelievably selfish. She works in a very busy, high-pressure role, and unfortunately sometimes these things happen. There's not much anyone can do about it.

I can completely sympathise with your sister. I've done the single-mum-no-job thing, and had a few friends who saw me as free last minute childcare, because clearly with no job and no partner I was just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs all the time. The truth is, being a single parent is bloody hard work - everything falls on you, and every scrap of time to yourself is precious. So when someone just expects you to pick up the slack of their poor planning, it grates on the nerves.

The wedding is important. Very important in fact. But not more important than the mother keeping her job, without conflict.

There is something else with my sister. When I first went back to work we decided to use the creche at my husband's work. My sister said she would care for my son for the same payment.

My sister is on benefits and wanted a cash payment - we said we'd only consider this as an option if we did things by the book (Tax, NI contributions) and paid into her bank, and that she declared the money which she didn't want to. Not only does she risk consequences but so do we if it was found we were colluding in this which could result in my husband losing his job. He can't have a criminal record.

OK so I'm going to get flamed again but this is the whole of it.

By the way for what it's worth I've taken on board the comments about mum and have told her not endanger her job. She got to work about an hour ago to be handed a letter from her manager giving her notice about the cancellation of her leave. Is someone at her workplace reading this thread?

Oh my, so now you are encouraging your Mum to go against her employer when she herself said she was needed and couldn't say no because of her own job stability???
Breathtakingly selfish behaviour all round.

Have you actually looked in to alternative flights for you and your son that leave on DIFFERENT dates and times? Surely you don't have to be there for the full 6 days? Or for your husband to go via an indirect flight and for his seat to be converted to your son's?? You must be able to find something considerably cheaper that way.

It's a wedding, not a court summons.

So your sister holds a grudge against you already and is perhaps partially repaying you. I wouldn't want a cash in hand deal either. You've got to put this all behind you, suck up you cost of your flight and move on. I do feel sorry for you, but I can't see how anymore thinking about the situation will help. Your mum's employers sound appalling.

What have your sister's suggestions for childcare got to do with anything? It seems like you are now just trying to throw mud at your sister because this thread hasn't gone your way and how better to discredit her than a good old bit of benefit fraud? You sound horrible.

Stop slagging off your sister. You sound so petty and childish. No wonder she doesn't want to do you any favours.

Yes but to rebook the flights would mean losing the money on the original one which can't be date changed or refunded. As I said before we are on standby for another economy flight at the same time - we want to fly together.