Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

[FlossieLondon]

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

I'm not reading 19 pages, so sorry if X post.

Why do people do this?

Do you really think that in 19 pages one else has asked if there's anyone else that could look after their son

^no one

Both OP & her sister had a plan in place.

When it went tits up with the mum, sister found other childcare.

Op seemingly did nothing for two days then when she found out that sister's plans were still in place, wondered what to do & why sister hadn't offered to have her not always easy nephew.

Yabu and very odd why you didnt want to take your son in the first place . Three year olds can cope on long haul flights and have every right to be with you!

I agree someone should have asked, possibly the grandmother so the sister didn't feel under too much pressure to say yes.
I agree that it is a long time, but am more concerned about the length of time from the child's perspective than the carer's.
I agree that leaving a child of that age with a stranger is a million miles from ideal, but yes, I would still volunteer. Am thinking of the more likely scenario that this could be a friend of a friend, who I don't know.
Anyway, am conscious of hijacking... (Threads, that is)

Boneyback - it IS relevant to the thread as some people are saying that the sister is not jealous blah blah - well yes, she has admitted she is, so people speculating that she isn't, and has other reasons for calling the OP smug married etc, is far more irrelevant.
And of course we only have the OP's word for it, as we do for everything related to this situation.

Has the manager given the mum notice in writing to cancel her leave? I haven't read the lot but I do know as true that the notice has to be at least twice the holiday as someone has already said.

I bet this request escalated into a blazing row and having known many managers who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery I'd put money on that nothing has been done in writing.

So I suggest the lady tells the manager she is taking the holiday and make sure someone else is there. From what's been said I think the leave will start two weeks Thursday if not a bit before. See if he puts it in writing.

If not then I don't think a disciplinary could stick. Is taking booked leave gross misconduct which merits instant dismissal? I doubt it. Ring your local CAB for advice.

Catering agencies are there to supply staff to cover this type of scenario and the hotel owner will just have to suck up the fees. Just pay what it takes to get a good freelance in to work along your mum for a few days and it will be fine.

Good luck.

A stranger looking after a 3 year old for 6 days is not in the child's best interest. I am shocked that anyone would think that was a solution (I'm aware the op does not think it is). What a cruel thing to suggest you do to a tiny child for the sake of a glorified party; because that's what a wedding is, it's just a party. It's not an emergency. It's a party that trumps most other parties, but it does not trump the welfare of a child.

I agree it isn't in the child's best interests, and I know the OP would not do it. Nor would I with any of my children. Nor would I have wanted to leave them six days with someone else. We wouldn't even do an overnight unless really pushed. Has been three years so far. The point is more the 'gut reaction' or instinct to help out that is lacking in the sister, but present in strangers. Now someone will no doubt say that the reaction is only there because of the unlikelihood of the reality. Ah well...
Of course, anyone who has ever put their child into nursery wasn't leaving them with a stranger...
And for the record, no. I would not put my kids in a nursery. However, I will be leaving oldest with strangers when he goes to playgroup two mornings a week later this year at nearly three. Bad me.

OP I know how rife bullying is in the catering industry. This manager shouldn't be allowed to get away with this. I'm sure your mum is as tough as I've had to be. Kick the bum to the kerb for this - he may be legally within his rights but morally he is not and the onus is on him to find a solution.

I know the thought of losing your job is scary but I'm sure he can't do this . Sometimes it's easier to roll over at work and I've done it myself for a quiet life. Most managers have no idea and overbook functions like crazy - perhaps the pressure made the sous chef walk!

When you leave your dc at a nursery they have introduction time first. No one walks in on the first day and leaves their child for hours. If you wouldn't consider leaving your dc with trained professionals without them getting to know the setting, then it's not comparable.

A gut reaction of "I'd help" is not a sensible, thought out, action that takes into account the needs of the dc.

Why is the party more important? Being separated from parents for a week is a big deal to a 3 year old. Being with a well know grandparent is one thing, although even that would be a trial. You would expect a dc with behavioural issues to get worse with the disruption.

I love weddings and would do my utmost to get to this one, but there comes a time when it's best to accept it's not going to happen and make plans for that.

You never know, something could come up and dm becomes free.

It's a shame dm has had her leave cancelled, but it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean dh can't be best man. Make nice plans for the week with dc. Make it a positive experience. Maybe make plans with dsis and show her you don't take her for granted and understand you were wrong.

Been catching up with the thread...

I have called mum - she hasn't had a written request to cancel her leave and it would need to be done by Wednesday for her to be given two weeks' notice of its cancellation. She is going to get on the CAB. Brilliant idea!

Re: leaving children with strangers. We do use a creche at my husband's workplace so I guess we do leave him with people he doesn't know and I never meant to knock anyone who does use childcare so they can work. We think our child benefits from being with other children as he is an only one, this won't change as to my great sorrow I am unable to have any more. The wonderful, caring staff have been fantastic in dealing with my son's temper tamtrums when he doesn't get his own way, and have given us good advice on how to deal with this at home.

Day child care is one thing, but I meant there is no way we would leave him with someone he didn't know for 6 days and nights - professional or not. Thanks to the couple of posters with their kind messages though.

As I have said a couple of times before mum offered to have him, this was never asked of her. Indeed she wanted to and was looking forward to it. We had some treats planned for both the boys and mum (paid for by us as we had factored this into the cost of our break) and had intended buying mum a big thank you present in the States. I don't know if perhaps my sister resented this?

As it happens I am home today because my son has a bad cold so the creche wouldn't take him anyway. No problem! I don't think my boss is impressed but there you go.

Waiting for mum to ring when she has been in touch with the CAB.

Did I say my mum and sister live close by so they all see each other a lot? That's why we were happy to accept mum's offer.

I really feel sorry for your mum.... she seems to now be under pressure to get things sorted. She sounds amazing and such a kind person to take her leave to care for her grandchildren one for almost a week.

I hope it is resolved in a way that suits you all.

Nursery is completely different and socialisation is a positive thing :)

I can't see why your dsis would be bothered by the gift for your dm. Dm would have been doing you an enormous favour. Your dsis was only using the babysitting for the weekend.

You do still seem to be trying to find fault with dsis, it's not conducive to you having a good relationship. Do you see dsis as inferior to you?

I hope dm can babysit after all. But be aware that even if the law is on her side, it could make her working life impossible, and she could end up being got rid of. Getting out of her holidays being cancelled on a technicality will not go down well with her boss when they have given the right notice (albeit verbally).

Your dm could be jeapordising her work for the sake of a party. Be sure you want to ask this of her.

I think OP you need let it go now and encourage your mum to do the same. It's far too much pressure and stress for her to be going CAB etc. she has to work it's unfortunate but I don't see how perusing it any further is going to make anything better for your mum at work. It may mean you can get to go on holiday but that could open up a whole can of works and stress for your mum, someone else has just walked out at her work, do you really wasnt to put the same pressure on her.

Canthis....I'm thinking the same thing.

I doubt the OP will listen.. she's so hell bent on going to this party she won't care how hard things may get for her mother at work. Not if thinking it's a great idea to go to the CAB.

Seriously, let this go now. I can't believe you're putting your DM in this position, it's too much. Much too much.

To be honest When it was indicated up thread that your sisters ex partner had even been asked if he would have your dc....I kind of gathered you would go to great lengths.

I know you are desperate to go but for almost a week?....It seems sad you are allowing your mum to possibly even jeopardise her job.

Maybe time to let it go now. IMO It's a huge ask of even a family member with a perfectly behaved child. Your mum obviously feels awful about it all.

OP, I agree with others who say LET THIS ONE GO. It's very very unfair to put this kind of pressure on your DM.

Perhaps it's time to stop the dramatics now about being heartbroken and devastated, and how it's 'ripping your family apart.' Maybe then your Mum won't feel obliged to risk her job and relationship with her boss in order to appease you.

You seem to be intent on getting your own way regardless of the possible fallout for everyone else OP.

The thing is, this isn't a case of your mum's boss being petty or unreasonable -there are really good reasons why he needs your mum at work that weekend. Maybe your mum can refuse on a technicality but that will be the end of her good relationship with that establishment. Just so you can go on holiday. Really?