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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/05/2014 12:40

Stop trying to make this someone else's fault - your mum's employer, your sister's grudge, blah blah blah.

Shit happens. You pay for a flight and take your child along or you stay home.

Diddums.

Gen35 · 19/05/2014 12:40

Btw, I assume you've checked you can't cancel the whole thing per your travel insurance? Anyone going to the US needs travel insurance for the medical emergency issue, as medical bills in the US can be horrific.

QuintessentiallyQS · 19/05/2014 12:44

Blimey. You are going to encourage your mum to approach the CAB to go up against her employer, so you can go on holiday to the US. Is this trip really worth getting your mum in trouble in work for?

You are beginning to sound very egocentric and entitled.

PestoSunnyissimos · 19/05/2014 12:49

I haven't read through the while thread, but if I were you I would just take your DS with you. Problem solved.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 19/05/2014 12:50

Flossie, a few times now you've made comments or asides that tarnish your sister's character a bit. Your last post was quite clear in making her out to be a bit of a baddie (cash in hand, jeopardising not only her but your husband's career etc). She also got the main portion of blame for 'ripping the family apart' initially.

To be honest, if I was being treated by and spoken to or about by my sister in the same way you do yours, I'd have told her to fuck off a long time ago.

Let it go. Your mum, sister or mum's work are not at fault. It is one of those unfortunate things, and the reason you get holiday insurance.
Chalk it up to experience.

rollonthesummer · 19/05/2014 12:50

This whole thread reads like,'we want..., we want...!'

You are not thinking of this situation from anyone else's perspective.

Chippednailvarnish · 19/05/2014 12:51

What have your sister's suggestions for childcare got to do with anything? It seems like you are now just trying to throw mud at your sister because this thread hasn't gone your way and how better to discredit her than a good old bit of benefit fraud? You sound horrible

Sums the whole thread up perfectly.

QuintessentiallyQS · 19/05/2014 12:54

I am absolutely gobsmacked that you think your sister is "ripping the family apart" because she is not cancelling her own holiday to look after your difficult child.

If anybody is doing any ripping, it is you, with your entitlement, expectations, and trying to get your mum to go up against her employer.

If an adult child of mine was behaving like you, I would be very disappointed.

PrincessTeacake · 19/05/2014 13:00

Flossie, you have two weeks, give or take. I say get in touch with some form of emergency childcare (these people sound good, they're vetted and CRB checked: www.northlondonnannies.co.uk/emergency-childcare/) and use those two weeks to let the nanny get to know your son.

Plenty of parents have left their children, who barely know me, alone with me for an extended period of time due to an emergency and it all worked out for the best. Children were happy in their home environment, parents had a load off their minds during a stressful time, I got another glowing reference to add to the list.

Catsize · 19/05/2014 13:02

I like the suggestion of name changing the flight ticket of one of you to your son's name and then the other adult flying separately. I know you said you want to travel together, and would no doubt rather have two of you to handle any child-related difficulties, but it seems like a good possible solution.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2014 13:04

Apologising, flowers, still trying to bamboozle your own way for a childfree jolly abroad by pushing your mother into jeopardising her job and coming over all melodramatic that your sister won't cancel her holiday for yours and slagging her off. What a Wendy!

Ioethe · 19/05/2014 13:06

You are not being unreasonable to ask, but she is also not being unreasonable to say no.

Only1scoop · 19/05/2014 13:08

Why do you keep adding little bits to tarnish your sisters character?

Your mum as you stated cannot afford to loose her job just leave be.

saintlyjimjams · 19/05/2014 13:11

What Gen35 said

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/05/2014 13:13

FlossieLondon, while I would in no way ever condone anyone cheating the benefit system, I think you have now sunk to really rather despicable depths by raising this

"There is something else with my sister. When I first went back to work we decided to use the creche at my husband's work. My sister said she would care for my son for the same payment. My sister is on benefits and wanted a cash payment"

given that earlier on in the thread you said that you had offered to give your sister money if she looked after your child during the time of your trip!

"It was a big ask to expect her to look after our son for 6 days (WE DID OFFER HER MONEY)" [my capitals]

Amazing that your principles of doing "things by the book" flew entirely out of the window when it suited you!

Let us hope that your poor sister isn't reading this thread. In her position I would feel totally heartbroken and betrayed by your attitude.

diddl · 19/05/2014 13:16

OP, as soon as it fell through with your mum, why didn't you ask your sister yourself?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 19/05/2014 13:19

There is clearly more to this than people can glean from your posts

I think though that this is a good time to sit down and have a good think about how you treat your sister and how you may have treated her in the past. What you expect from her vs what you have actually done for her.

Gen35 · 19/05/2014 13:20

I do agree with diddl here too, your relationship with dsis was of course rocky as otherwise you'd have phoned her immediately. without thinking either party is horrible, you've gotten into a bit of an unhelpful tit for tat situation with your sister, and you both need to work to repair it. Sounds to me like you were both looking forward to a much needed rest and it's not going to work out for you this time bit you'll both be better off if you work on the relationship.

Thumbwitch · 19/05/2014 13:21

Because her mum said that she was sure her sister would step in - if it was me, I would assume that my mum had actually spoken to my sister at that point, and this is why I think the mum is at least partly to blame for this whole mess. If she'd said something different like "why don't you ask your sister" then it could all have been avoided.

Thumbwitch · 19/05/2014 13:22

Mind you, I would also have phoned my sister to thank her for stepping in, or to check that she was all right with it, I wouldn't have left it for 2 days.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 19/05/2014 13:23

Now your slagging your sister off again re the creche.

It's your son, it's up to you to arrange childcare if your sister doesn't want to do it. I wouldn't either under the circumstances. You want your sis to watch your naughty kid for A WEEK.

Now u are saying you will only go together or not at all. TOUGH. You either get there however you can if your so desperate to go. Separate planes/different days if your so disappointed your not going and desperate to be there then this is what your going to have to do. The weddings 1 day not 6 so fly out for 3 days on a flight with your D'S. Your worried about flying for 10 hrs due to his behaviour but expect your sister to keep him for 6 days.

Your only other option is to sort your problem out yourself, take whatever flight you can or pay for a registered nanny to stay in your house with D'S. Go on a separate plane to your DH for 3 days

expatinscotland · 19/05/2014 13:24

Emergency: you or your spouse or one of your other children falls ill. My mate currently has his nephew at his home. Yesterday, the boy's brother was involved in a car accident. He will recover, but needs surgery on his leg and will be in hospital a couple of weeks.

Emergency: your child's carer falls ill suddenly and you have used all your leave at work.

Wanting to attend a wedding abroad for 6 days and someone else looks after your son: not an emergency.

Trinovantes · 19/05/2014 13:29

I, too, think YABU. It isn't an emergency, and your DH will have a good time being a best man without you. Your sister isn't being unreasonable for wanting to do her own thing, and you are being totally unreasonable to put pressure on your mum to jepordise her job in order for you to go off on hols for a week.

It's a shame, but stuff like this happens. Stay home with your kid. It isn't the end of the world.

kinsorange · 19/05/2014 13:29

Agree with flowery in that I have seen dodgy at best,social work advice, and wrong legal advice.
I cant vouch about flowery, but she sounds like she knows what she is talking about.
And is up to date, unlike some of the other "expert" advice, bandied about on mumsnet generally.

Rafflesway · 19/05/2014 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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