Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

[FlossieLondon]

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

Hi london, I have read most of the thread, not every single post, but probably 90%. I have read every post the OP has written, and have seen that she has apologised etc. Does that make my opinion invalid? Surely the OP's posts are the most relevant in a aibu? Also, not sure if you are accusing me of being nasty? Not sure where, unless it is in relation to me saying that the sister seemed to be stamping her feet a bit? Not sure...
It is entirely possible there is some jealousy, as the OP has suggested, but that does not excuse things one way or the other. If I am allowed that opinion?
What the OP was/is proposing to do is not something I would do personally, but I am trying to see it from all sides. As I said above, the grandmother will feel awful now!

I made the comment about the sister being jealous, not because of the 'smug married' comment but because the sister told OP she was jealous of her when she went round with flowers.

Which is odd imo. Everyone has their own problems - married or not. OP shouldn't make assumptions about her sister just stepping in but not much she can do about her being jealous of her being married

The sister isn't necessarily jealous of marriage per se, but who wouldn't be just a bit discontented at being left a single parent in financial difficulties.

Are people not allowed to be humanly upset that their lives have blown up?

Just run this saga past my OH, who responded in a similar way to me and said 'well, where do they live? We could look after him'. This is what my initial reaction was too, until I saw that the OP does not want to leave him with strangers, which is understandable too. We cannot be the only ones though who would think to help out in this way, and it is perhaps because we are coming from this standpoint that is surprises me that the sister won't help out. Just sayin'

Get a different flight. To a different airport.

Well OP sounds as if she has enough to deal with with her son - so I do find it odd that her sister is jealous of her to the point where she won't help her out. Remember her sister told her she was jealous. This isn't an assumption.

Yes Catsize - I would have a similar reaction. If I were the OP's friend I would offer to have him if I wasn't working.

Could you book a flight on a 0% credit card, and pay it off over the 0% period, OP?

I took DS to Australia (along with his two sisters) when he was 3. He just watched Cars over and over again, the whole way.

Even if some MNer offered the week's childcare, and this were accepted, that's still (a) an offer and (b) there's no previous history, and no resentment (see (a)), so it's a specious comparison. The same for all the people who would do it for their sister: clearly you're thinking of offering (not being inconveniently volunteered), and clearly you have a lovely relationship with your sister or at least fall in with her expectations. None of these comparisons stand up as they are not really comparing similar things.

Let's not forget that this is not really the OP's fault. She had a plan in place which did not involve the sister at all. It is a shame that the sister did not offer. I accept that there could be some history we do not know about, but even so... That history would have to be pretty serious to absolve her in my view, and certainly more than a jealousy of lifestyle.

catsize why are you so insistent sister should have offered to give up her weekend? The sister did the sensible thing of arranging alternative cover. We know sister had been planning this break for a while. You have no information on whether or not her weekend could be re-arranged, you have no information about her friend's circumstances.

Well OP, all i can say is that if you were one of my two sisters, I'd do if for you. Your sister must be feeling very hard done by not to help out. If that is out of character for her, it is probably due to all the stress she is under.

Yes I agree the sister is resentful of the OP. If that's because the OP has been taking her for granted that's one thing, (although from what the OP has said the favours so far sound fairly even-steven) if it's because (as the sister indicated) she is jealous of the OP having an 'easier' life then there's not a lot she can do about it. Everyone has some sort of crap going on in their lives, if you go around being resentful & jealous of people you are close to because they don't have the same crap as you, well it tends to end up hurting you in the end.

Anyway OP has taken flowers, apologised for assuming her sister would help out, isn't going to America, so it's up to the sister to make the next move I guess.

Caitlin, to be fair, you do not have the info either. I am basing my assumption on the more likely scenario that the friend isn't in the country for the first and only weekend in years, isn't battling terminal illness etc. I may be wrong, but I suspect that her weekend is more rearrangeable(?) than you might think. And probably wouldn't involve throwing hundreds of pounds down the drain and missing a fabulous trip, opportunity, occasion etc. that cannot be postponed by virtue of the fact that it centres around a wedding. I just find it all a bit baffling. Also hard to believe that if there was such bad history, as has been hinted at by another poster, then why do the two sisters look after each other's children on other occasions?
Araminta, of course I would. I would like to think everyone would, but this thread has saddened and surprised me.

There are no winners, in three weeks time the op and her DH will feel crap, her mum will be feeling guilty and her sister will be away for the weekend probably feeling the lovely weekend planned is now soured by what has gone on. Flowers and apologises whilst nice this will always be an occasion that will be glossed over. The wedding photos, the weekend away photos and stories not shared amongst family as it is all a little bit awkward. All very sad

I find it quite sad that for a lot of people lead such self-reliant lives, it sounds very isolating to me.

It has nothing to do with that at all. I would put myself out for my friends & family in this situation, only of they had the courtesy to ASK me & not assume that my trip/life/time was less important than theirs.

6 days is a MASSIVE ask. 6 days with a naughty kid, is way beyond massive. Added to that no one respected me enough to ask me, no sorry, you're on your own!!

But- DID you actually ask her or did you assume? That makes a big difference. If you read (even just the op's) other posts, you will see that the op & her mother ASSUMED that the sister would do it. No one even mentioned it to the sister UNTIL it was clear that the sister intended to carry on with her weekend away, at which point the op called her to give her hell for not dropping everything & bailing her out. No one had the courtesy or respect to ask AT ALL! That is why op is BU.

PS your sister is obviously jealous of you, because you're in a stable relationship and she's not. C'est la vie. So single parents are jealous of the married siblings? I doubt it.

This is nothing to do with being jealous. It is to with it being assumed that you would cancel your long awaited (childfree) weekend away to look after your nightmare nephew for almost a week, because his parents can't be bothered to do it themselves.

Let's face, that is what it comes down to. It isn't a child free wedding, it isn't impossible to take the child, they can obviously afford to take him, the parents just don't know how to manage his behaviour, so won't take him into situations that they feel will test them & lead to disapproving looks (which again is nothing to do with how her son would feel to get those looks, he won't care less, op doesn't want to be judged on her parenting)

They are copping out & expecting and assuming that someone will pick up the slack. OP has blamed her mum, her sister, her mum's boss, the guy who left his (high pressure) job.

When the blame is at her & her dh feet for not learning how/wanting to manage their son on a flight. They want an easy life for a week, so are assuming people will be running to do it for them, even if they don't get asked nicely.

If I needed help I would ask. If someone was willing to help, I would also adjust my flights & fly in as late as possible, and out as early as possible, making the time my friend/fmaily had dc as short as possible. I wouldn't just take it for granted that childcare would magically appear!!

Yes, it was the mother who first asked the sister if she could change her plans. SHE DID NOT!! No one asked the sister. They both assumed the sister was going to cancel her weekend to have the op's child until sister announced she had found alt childcare! Which was a couple of days down the line. IN WHICH TIME, NO ONE HAD ASKED THE SISTER TO LOOK AFTER THE NEPHEW.

This does mean no restaurant meals out as a family at the moment, and I do balk at taking him on a long flight. To be honest op, how will he learn if you don't put him in those situations.

Why are people saying well done for apologising to the sister? When you are wrong, you apologise. It isn't something to be celebrated or praised for.

Catsize Perhaps the fact that NO ONE asked the sister. They both just assumed & the op gave her hell when she (sister) announced she had alt childcare & was still going away?

I would be loathe to subject a three year old to a plane journey as long as the one her husband has to make

Meh! My daughter had flown to & from Australia several times before she was 4. If done well, it can be quite manageable.

I would like to think everyone would, but this thread has saddened and surprised me.

Really? YOU think offering to have a total stranger child for 6 days is normal?

I wouldn't offer to have a perfect strangers child for 6 days. A naughty toddler relative is one thing, but a toddler that didn't know you, who you didn't know (therefore didn't know what techniques to use for sleep, comforting, food refusal etc) is a whole other thing.

It would be a nightmare. I was away from my youngest (5) for 2 days recently & on the whole she was fine, but she missed me terribly. My older daughter & my lovely friend knew how to deal with it & did so very well. Making it a wonderful experience in the end.

It can be very hard when a child doesn't know you & is too young to understand who you are. Add to that, they are in completely unfamiliar surroundings.

I would have a friends child (I am having three of them in a few weeks in fact), a relatives child, my neighbours child, a friend of my dc's (as long as I know them & their mum), however if a random mum at the school came up to me & asked if I would look after their child for 6 days, I wouldn't be comfortable about that.

I don't know many people who would.

If a complete stranger offered to put my toddler up for a week while I went on holiday, I would think they were very strange indeed.

Differentname - since you've bulletpointed various comments and torn them down, I'd like to point out:
• that actually, the OP has said that they can't easily afford for them all to go, they've saved up for this
• that the OP is not the one who originally decided against taking her DS, her mother offered to take him as the OP was stressing about having him on the long flight and she and her DH were considering whether to go at all if they had to take him with them
• that the OP's sister has admitted to being jealous

I'm not reading 19 pages, so sorry if X post.

But, it sounds like your mom volunteered your sister without asking her. I would be upset if someone did that to me. I wouldn't put my weekend on hold just because someone decided I was obligated to watch a kid that's apparently a handful for almost a week without even consulting me first.

In any case, is there any friends or nursery moms who could watch him? Is it really your Dsis or no one at all?

Your son is so badly behaved that you don't want to take him on a flight but you expect someone to step in and mind him.

God. I'd do my upmost to avoid spending time with a child who was so badly behaved let alone (as a single mum) lose a child free weekend to have him, family or not!

Thumbwitch
"• that the OP's sister has admitted to being jealous"

That is what we have been told, I'm not sure that it is entirely relevant to thread though.