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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 18/05/2014 16:11

Re the employers I did wonder if flowery was confusing employer's right to refuse a holiday (a request for a week's holiday can be refused as late as one week before the date) with a right to cancel after the permission has been given. I don't know the answer. I do know of a big London law firm who cancelled holidays but they wrote into the contracts there was a right to do so and they paid compensation.

duststar you're assuming "smug married" was an indicator of jealousy rather than a statement of fact. I've met people I'd describe that way and I'm married.! We only have OP's word about sister being jealous

dustarr73 · 18/05/2014 16:39

Caitlin17 even the word "smug married" has a ring about it.Its just one of those words that comes across as being not very nice.It just seems to me the op has been getting slated because shock horror she forgot to ask her sister something and assumed she would do it.But the thought of going away was probably getting the better of her and she forgot.

jacks365 · 18/05/2014 16:46

Smug married could just as easily been annoyance because the op thought spending time with her husband was more important than the sis spending time with her friend.

clam · 18/05/2014 17:01

IIRC, flowery is "in the business" (HR/employment/legal) and knows her stuff.

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2014 17:21

It is the sacrifices we make as parents, op. Your sister is in no way obliged to look after your son & your mu wouldn't feel so guilty if you just accept that this is your life now.

I assume you have travel insurance, so you will just have to cancel your side of the trip.

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2014 17:24

If it was the other way round I'd do it for her...

So if she couldn't find childcare, you would have happily given up going to America for her?

I don't think you would, op. Not judging by your post.

Catsize · 18/05/2014 17:30

Not read every post, but on the basis that this is a weekend for the sister that could be easily rearranged, the sister is being unreasonable. Also, the OP's mother is going to feel even worse and angry about her work situation if the OP cannot go and loses all that money.
A lot of the posts are very harsh on the OP. Sister sounds quite foot stompy and selfish to me. I could not do that to a relative and if I were the sister, I really wouldn't enjoy my weekend away, knowing it had prevented my sister from going to a wedding in the states and losing £X.
The OP had made arrangements for childcare which fell through, through no fault of her own. Shame the sister isn't a very good samaritan!

diddl · 18/05/2014 17:40

"but on the basis that this is a weekend for the sister that could be easily rearranged, the sister is being unreasonable."

But it would still entail looking after OPs son for 6days/nights wj=hich she maybe just doesn't want to do.

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2014 17:45

OP you could have just avoided this whole thong if you could be arsed to handle your child on a plane.

Exactly. The more I read the ops posts, the more I think that she saw this as a convenient break from her naughty :( toddler. She wants to get away without him for a few days, but doesn't mind lumbering him on someone else.

OP, you are going to have to tackle awkward situations with him sooner or later. And I say this as a parent of a rather..erm...spirited child.

differentnameforthis · 18/05/2014 17:46

Catsize perhaps you should read a little bit more of the thread....

Original poster

FlossieLondon · 18/05/2014 18:06

Re employment: Flowery is right. Mum has checked. Her boss has given her three weeks notice that he wants to cancel her week's holiday. He told her he was within his legal rights and he was right sadly. She's been working there for a long time and this has never happened before, and she had no way of knowing it would happen now.

Yes my son is a handful, and when we were first talking about the wedding and whether we ourselves should even go, that's when mum stepped in and offered to have him. This was never asked of her at any time, or were hints thrown out about it. She knew my sister wanted a few days away too and said she'd have both our sons at the same time - so my sister planned her few days away to coincide with our trip to the States. Now it's not mum's fault this has happened - although she is very upset about it.

I did not at any time plan on going on a child free jolly or having a break from my son. As many of you have said he is our son so we care for him. Mum's offer was very much appreciated and our only mistake was not thinking though what would happen if this fell through.

OP posts:

Catsize · 18/05/2014 18:19

diddl, I know, but I think it is a shame some people won't put themselves out when others are in a tricky situation. Yes, it is a big ask, but surprises me sister won't help out.
different, I have skimmed all the pages and read each of the OP's posts. Why did you say this? Have I misconstrued something?

expatinscotland · 18/05/2014 18:25

Well, it fell through. Lesson learned. Find an alternative or stay home. That's life. I don't blame your sister one bit. It's hardly an emergency, it's a wedding.

Caitlin17 · 18/05/2014 18:58

catsize you have no basis for the assumption the sister's plans could easily be re-arranged. We were given no information what exactly was planned nor if cancelling it would inconvenience the sister's friend.

Catsize · 18/05/2014 19:04

I know it is an assumption, but one based on common sense I hope. Maybe the OP could clarify that for us.
It just sounded like a fairly casual arrangement to tie in with her child's father having the child that weekend. I have perhaps incorrectly assumed that it is more moveable (and, dare I say, less significant?!) than a wedding in America where the OP's husband is best man and in respect of which there will be no refund for her flight, for which she has saved for some time.
There was the caveat in my post 'on the basis that', precisely because I was making an assumption, so not sure what your point is Caitlin, sorry.

jacks365 · 18/05/2014 19:07

Catsize the sis had to reorganise her child care too, the father was a backup after the mother pulled out. The sis had been wanting to go for months which implies it isn't quite that easy for her to find the time.

intheenddotcom · 18/05/2014 19:16

YABU - it is not a childcare emergency - you just want your sister to give up her holiday so you can have yours.

I would however not help her out in the future.

dexter73 · 18/05/2014 19:21

The OP says
Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time

I imagine if she had wanting to go for a long time then it wasn't a casual arrangement and wasn't moveable otherwise she would have done it before the offer from the mum.

diddl · 18/05/2014 19:21

Op, when it fell through with your mum, why weren't you straight on the phone to your sister asking if she could/would help?

Bearbehind · 18/05/2014 19:26

I can't get my head around the fact that you acknowledge that your son is so naughty you didn't initially consider taking on a plane but would happily leave him with your mother/ sister for a week.

It's also weird that you are blaming the sous chef for this now you've been told you were BU about your sister. Neither of them are to blame for your son not being well behaved enough to travel.

Caitlin17 · 18/05/2014 19:42

catsize please read the thread. Sister's ex stepped in to cover sister's child care when the arrangements with mother fell through. It was not a case of sister having a free weekend because her child was with his father.

There is no basis for your assumption

RollingGreenMarble · 18/05/2014 19:47

Just realised the sister is a single mum or at least was for a bit if her and her child's father is separated. She deserves a holiday.

PrincessTeacake · 18/05/2014 19:47

Her son is three. I would be loathe to subject a three year old to a plane journey as long as the one her husband has to make.

Talking alternatives, do you have any friends with trustworthy nannies/au pairs who would take him for a bit? I've done a lot of stayover work in this kind of situation, most recently because my boss had a bereavement in Canada and her husband had to go to London. It's part of my job to stay flexible. A good emergency nanny is your best bet and could cost less than the loss of the flight money.

Catsize · 18/05/2014 19:51

Yes, I had misread the OP, fair point, but my assumption that this is more moveable and less significant remains I am afraid, appreciating that the sister had been waiting a long time to go etc. Thanks for the clarification though.

londonrach · 18/05/2014 20:02

Cat size read the whole lot before you are Post nasty things. Op have graciously accepted that she was in the wrong and see sister and apologised with flowers. Personally I see the smug married comment linked to previous comments behaviour. Hopefully this situation will make op closer to her sister.

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