Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

[FlossieLondon]

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

One point that doesn't appear to have been raised (although I may well have missed it, in which case I apologise) is the possible liability in this of your mother's employer.

If you booked this trip over six months ago, FlossieLondon, then presumably it was also six months ago that your mother booked the time off with her employer, to be part of her annual leave entitlement.

In that case, I don't think her employer can legally turn around three weeks before the date the booked time is due to be taken from her annual leave entitlement.

You also say that "she explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen" but I think that is simply not true. As I understand it, under employment law the 'buck' stops with her employer, not with your mother, the employee, and if she refused to cancel her pre-booked family holiday arrangements and her employer went on to dismiss her as a result of that, then this would be a case for tribunal and compensation.

Absolutely not on for an employer to cancel annual leave that has been booked out for six months without appropriate compensation. Perhaps your mother should be raising these issues with her boss, and putting the onus for a solution to the situation firmly at his door.

Well done OP. I wonder if you had gone around with flowers as soon as your mother's holiday got cancelled, and asked her directly if she would consider doing you a massive favour and rearrange her weekend, she'd have agreed to do so?

TBH, I sympathise with both sides here. She is annoyed because you jut assumed she'd cancel instead of asking her nicely, and because her lovely weekend away would suddenly be replaced with the much less fun job of looking after a difficult 3 year old for a week. You're annoyed because she COULD easily rearrange to a different weekend, whereas your break is date-specific, already has large sums of money invested in it and is for a family wedding.

I think it's just one of those things...

I wondered about that also adish and thought that there was probably an element of OPs mum agreeing for an easy life iyswim-and that she could because sister would step in.

What if she had booked to go away or was ill-what would her work do then?

Also with regards to the sister, what I can't get my head around when mum she said she couldn't & sister , is why OP wasn't immediately on the phone saying how fab sister was for stepping in at the last minute.

Op i think you are taking a bit of a beating on here.And i think your sister is coming across as being spiteful.You said sorry op for taking your sister for granted but dont be sorry for the way her life has turned out.Its not down to you she is a single mum.
She seems to take great delight in not helping you so i be of the same mindsetin future.

Dustarr-I've seen no evidence of her sister being spiteful!

I love my sisters but have enough on my plate without looking after their child for 6 days! It's a lot to ask. We also have to remember that the OP didn't even ask-she just assumed! I've had my nephews for sleepovers for one day/night before-it's hard work. Times that by six AND being expected to cancel something I was really looking forward to and getting the 'I can't believe you'd let me down like this' treatment if I said no-pure piss taking.

Its just my take on it.Her sister told her no,thats fair enough but to call her sister smug married.Thats probably the real reason she wouldnt help her.

"Thats probably the real reason she wouldnt help her."

Not that she already has plans, then?

Why is the sister being selfish? Nobody actually asked her to do the childcare it was assumed she just would. She had plans and made arrangements for her own childcare.

The OP hasn't said how often her sister has her nephew for her or how often she returns the favour.

OP, I would also be speaking to your Mum about work.

It's easy to get guilt tripped into picking up the pieces and it's nice to feel invaluable.

But, the need for staff, in a non crisis situation (I worked in care when the Novo Virus hit), isn't the responsibility of the already hard working staff, especially if the management isn't doing all it can to hang onto good Staff.

If your Mum came down with D&V that weekend, they would have to manage.

She had time booked off, for a good reason, with firm plans made.

Unless you live somewhere very rural, an agency will be able to supply cover.

It sounds as though the Staff need a meeting with the management.

I understand, though, I (and others) were once put upon like that, we have all since left and the place is still running.

I'm glad OP has apologised but those of you who are still banging on about "sister could easily re-arrange her plans"-you have no idea if that is true. You have no idea what the circumstances of sister's friend are.

dustarr

We don't know what prompted the "smug married" comments because the OP has chosen not to tell us.

I agree the op was bu at the start assuming the sister would cover.But i think the sisters comment is very telling.It might not be,its just the way i read it.
The op said sorry but the sister didnt.
Look op at the end of the day you know where you stand with your sister.
And diddl theres no point in being sarcastic.

What has the sister got to apologise for though??

"In that case, I don't think her employer can legally turn around three weeks before the date the booked time is due to be taken from her annual leave entitlement. "

"As I understand it, under employment law the 'buck' stops with her employer, not with your mother, the employee, and if she refused to cancel her pre-booked family holiday arrangements and her employer went on to dismiss her as a result of that, then this would be a case for tribunal and compensation."

"Absolutely not on for an employer to cancel annual leave that has been booked out for six months without appropriate compensation."

Don't know where you get all that from, but no, no, no.

To refuse/cancel holiday, an employer has to give the same amount of notice as the length of the holiday. There is no requirement for employers to give "appropriate compensation" if they have to cancel holiday, although in practice many employers do if it results in the employee losing money on flights/hotels or whatever (which as far as we know is not the case).

And if the OPs mum decided to just not turn up to work take unauthorised leave, there may well be disciplinary consequences and I have absolutely no idea why you think dismissal would automatically be unfair with compensation likely in a tribunal.

Employment law is nothing to do with this thread, but I can't let that go in case people assume that is all correct.

duststar diddl's comment wasn't sarcastic. You made an unwarranted assumption sister wouldn't help because she was jealous of OP. Diddl pointed out sister already had plans with her friend. OP selfishly expected her sister and her sister's friend to cancel their plans.

Not unwarranted and the OP has confirmed that her sister is jealous:

FlossieLondon Sat 17-May-14 15:22:42
...
She admits to be jealous of me.

I haven't had time to read all of the posts, but just checking that the OP realises that a good proportion of the price she paid for flights is tax, and is refundable, so will at least get some money back.

No It wasnt unwarranted because op said her sister called her a smug married.Thats jealousy right there.
We can all have different opinons that was just mine.

I don't think OP has been selfish, thoughtless at worst. If I'm honest, the one who comes out worst from all of this is OPs mum.

The employers are terrible for doing this and I too am surprised it's legal. I do feel though that if OP's mum had spent thousands of pounds on a holiday, she might be more inclined to argue the toss with her employers.

I also think it is the mums fault for misleading the OP into thinking sister would help out. We don't know the extent of that conversation, and all OP did wrong was beleive her mum without checking. Not the crime of the century.

I feel very sorry for OP having been let down at the last minute, and having all that money lost as well as missing out on the wedding.

I will get flamed for this but I don't care, OP do you have travel insurance? If so can you have a careful read of the terms and conditions and claim your flight back based on one of the reasons they cover? I'm guessing childcare isn't one of them, but sickness might be.

"no, no, no" Hiccups, flowery?

I perhaps think I can guess where you get all that from, but in my opinion you have misinterpreted the legal situation.

Indeed I would agree with you had you said "To REFUSE (an employee's application for) holiday, an employer has to give the same amount of notice as the length of the holiday".

However I disagree with you with you when you say "To refuse/CANCEL holiday (already agreed and booked), an employer has to give the same amount of notice as the length of the holiday".

I'm always keen to update my education though (which is far too old and probably quite rusty), so I would be (genuinely) interested to know the references you have used for this.

I also get the impression that sister has maybe refused to help even though it might have been possible. Yes her plans are important, but as others have said on this thread, they would cancel arrangements in this situation.

How much of this is down to the sisters jealousy. And how much of the jealousy is misconception. Noones life is as good as it looks from the outside.

I am not saying the sister should have done the childcare. But many would have.

Lots of heartbreak and devestation in your post are you always so dramatic this wedding is sudden and you are excpecting your sister to drop her plans yabu

Have you read the thread mrsjayy? The wedding holiday has been booked for 6 months. And it's moved on a tad now. OP has apologised to her sister.

Perhaps the sister isn't helping even though possible because she wasn't asked.
In op it says that two days later sister said that she was still having her time away.

Why wasn't she asked in that time?

slithy
I agree that the mother seems to be getting off blame free in this.

There is no real explanation as to why Dsis can cancel. The OP hasn't mentioned what her sister is actually doing other than she is staying "free" at a friend's house.

All we have from the OP was that she thought that her plans where more important than her Dsister's.