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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
middleagedspread · 17/05/2014 19:40

I think she means that there's no availability in economy for an extra seat for DS so in order for them all to go they'd have to upgrade,

whatever5 · 17/05/2014 19:41

They wouldn't all have to upgrade though. Only one of them needs to.

ModernToss · 17/05/2014 20:39

Could we stop kicking the OP now? She's been very gracious, and has taken on board what everyone said.

KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 20:56

I totally agree, my post was not directed at the OP but at owl who was disputing what OP had said.

Well done OP for going to see your sister and hope a seat comes up on the plane.

UncleT · 17/05/2014 21:00

I agree modern. Good work OP - classy response.

WutheringTights · 17/05/2014 21:04

Well, I appear to be a lone voice here but I think the OP's sister is being a bit shitty over this and, if it were me, it wouldn't be forgotten next time she wants a favour. I would help out my sister in a similar situation in a heartbeat and I hope she would do the same for me.

sunshinecity17 · 17/05/2014 21:05

So you originally didn't take your child because you didn't want to cope with him on a flight of a few hours duration, and then you vilify your sister for not cancelling her weekend away to cope with him for a week

cutefluffybunnes · 17/05/2014 21:13

Ummm, how naughty is your child that you didn't want to take him on a flight?? I wouldn't be keen to look after a child for 6 days if you were afraid to inflict him on others - with both you and your DP to care for him - for 10 hours. Has your sister ever taken care of your child for that long? No matter how badly behaved your child, I'd be happy to take care of my sister's child for overnight - but six is a big, big ask.

Is it possible that your child's behaviour is the reason she is dodging a week of his company?

starlight1234 · 17/05/2014 21:21

I wish people would read this thread before continuing to attack you. I was some who posted you were BU. Well done for fixing the situation.

I do hope you can get the flight sorted so DS can go and you don't miss the wedding...Could one of you upgrade to business class ..If it is a matter no economy seats left?

cutefluffybunnes · 17/05/2014 21:30

I've read the thread, and I just wanted the OP to think about how badly people outside her own household might perceive her child's behaviour to be. She's clearly given it some thought, as it was the reason she did not book for him to go in the first place, and she is nervous of taking him on a longhaul flight.

I have one friend and one relative with 'naughty' children, and I would never offer to look after their children for nearly a week. (I would offer for others.) I would give almost any other excuse before I would admit that the reason I would not babysit is that their child is a wee terror.

I think the OP was brilliant to go to her sister and apologise for taking her for granted. I hope they have a better relationship going forward, and that she is able to sort a flight ticket for her DS.

OwlCapone · 17/05/2014 21:59

KatieKaye she said she would love to change the flights. Ie the date/time. She did not say she would love to upgrade the family to business. So what you said was wrong.

OwlCapone · 17/05/2014 22:03

There are no economy seats left on the current flight. There are business seats so technically they could upgrade and all fly at once but can not afford this.

His behaviour is not going to change just because you're sitting in a different part of the plane

No one said it would because no one said they would love to fly business class or that it was actually a possibility.

KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 22:07

owl for some strange reason you are quoting selectively from my post, which was not concerned with the minutiae of changing/upgrading whatever flights but with the change in the OP's attitude from not wanting DS to go on the trip at the time of booking tickets, to actively wanting to go as a family.
I do hope that clarifies matters for you. As you are aware, the OP would now love to take DS to the USA (her own words) and I hope this is possible for her.

ViviPru · 17/05/2014 22:23

FFS it's not hard to highlight the OP's posts and read them all before posting inane irrelevant comments. There ought to be an aptitude test for commenting on AIBU threads.

saintlyjimjams · 17/05/2014 22:36

Well done for apologising to your sister - but what a pity she's jealous of you (particularly as it sounds as if you have quite a lot to deal with with your son - honestly I'm married but have enough shit to deal with - would be very Hmm at a relative being jealous of me for having a husband).

I'd try and find some really nice things to do during those days with your son & evenings with wine & box sets or whatever floats your boat to enjoy yourself a bit

stivesholiday · 17/05/2014 23:05

May I ask OP, do you think your sister would have had your son if she couldn't have found childcare to allow her to go away. It may well be that she wasn't prepared to have your son for the length of time (which is far longer than a weekend) even if she had had to cancel her weekend away too.

JaneParker · 18/05/2014 06:19

So the third seat cannot be afforded and presumably therefore my suggestions of paying a student, granny, neighbour, nanny hotel are impossible to afford too? In that case you will have to cancel. Most of us don't get free childcare and spend an absolute fortune £14k a year per child in London for it just so we can work to feed our children. The though of going on a trip to the USA leaving a 3 year old behind even for those of us well off enough to afford childcare seems amazingly luxurious!

Loverofpeas · 18/05/2014 06:34

A week I'd a long time for anyone to have a badly behaved child. Relative or not.

Shewhowines · 18/05/2014 09:24

Well done op. You've been very honest to admit your mistake and see her to try to build bridges.

It looks like you might be on the way to an even better relationship with dsis. You now understand how hard her life really is. I think it's understandable she's jealous of you and good that she admits it.
Will you be helping her out more in the future?
Once she feels that you have her back, then she might be more inclined to help you out in the future.

I think the USA trip you just have to chalk up to experience. It's a shame, but I think your family could become stronger because of it, if you really do understand where your sister is coming from, and bear no grudges.

rollonthesummer · 18/05/2014 10:36

I have a superb relationship with my sisters but if I were struggling as a single parent and they wanted me to cancel a weekend away I'd been really looking forward to so I could look after a naughty nephew for nearly a week (that is not just a weekend!) so they could have a child-free holiday abroad AND they'd just assumed I'd do it, I'd feel really put upon and taken for granted.

Even after you apologised-you still come across like she's being the unreasonable one.

diddl · 18/05/2014 10:46

I think the hard thing for the sister is that both her mum & the OP assumed she would do it, as if once the childcare from the mum fell through there would be nothing else for her to do but look after her nephew.

She must feel awfully taken for granted.

Caitlin17 · 18/05/2014 11:07

didl very true. I'm glad most posters saw it that way. I don't think the comments about the OP bring a "smug married" were indicators of sister being jealous, more likely it was exasperation at how she'd been treated.

sisterofmercy · 18/05/2014 11:47

Perhaps when she is back from her break you could go out together for the day. Take the kids to the park, perhaps, and buy her an icecream. Kick water at each other in a paddling pool in the back yard of one of your house and giggle. You both need to have a bit more fun and reinforce your bonds as it sounds like life has become a bit too serious for both of you. See this as an opportunity rather than a problem.

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 18/05/2014 11:56

At this stage before we fly it would cost over 5k for one of us to go business so that's not an option, let alone for the three of us. Apart from that if we all go we'd want to be sitting together, with our son in the middle where we can him occupied - so it's stand-by on economy.

Yes we do use childcare - the subsidised creche at my husband's workplace. And no before somebody suggests it, one of the staff can't take him home - their contract forbids any baby sitting or other childcare arrangements for workers outside of working hours.

We booked this trip just over 6 months ago and had saved hard to make it happen. I think someone asked how we found the money - we saved up! Simple as that. Anyway it looks like I won't be going and we will lose the money for my ticket because we went for the cheap non-refundable ones.

Perhaps the moral of the tale is play safe and pay more.

Thanks for all the comments. I haven't liked or agreed with all of them, but it has helped me to see that I was wrong in assuming my sister would help me on this.

OP posts:
londonrach · 18/05/2014 12:05

Well done fossie for admitting you were in the wrong and well done for sorting out your sister with flowers. I hope you enjoy the wedding and your ds surprises you by behaving beautifully x

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