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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 16:01

@ ikeaismylocal maybe you need to learn to read. I never said I would leave my son with my sister's ex. I said my sister asked him and he said no - or rather his new partner said no, as she has every right to do. She doesn't owe me anything.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 17/05/2014 16:02

If you'd let your sisters ex and new partner to have him for six days then whats the difference between that and a nanny from an agency? You know neither.

Who does your usual childcare whilst you work? Is there no chance of them extending it (if CM) or paying one of the nursery staff to have him?

LIZS · 17/05/2014 16:05

This does mean no restaurant meals out as a family at the moment, and I do balk at taking him on a long flight. then your decision is made, you can't go. Sorry but yabu to expect anyone else to care for him if your own arrangements fall through. Your mum has had to let your sister down as much as you. She has a back up plan , you don't.

ikeaismylocal · 17/05/2014 16:06

No my nephews father and his new partner won't have him - my sister says she asked and I have to believe her.

I assumed from this comment that the issue was that the ex won't have him, otherwise you'd have replied that you wouldn't want to leave your ds with the ex.

I can read thanks, you sound like a rude person, no wonder even your own family don't want to do a favor for you.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 17/05/2014 16:12

Op, I am very pleased you took dsis flowers and cleared the air :) this is not worth losing a good relationship for.

I am impressed that you've been so active in mending things (it doesn't happen all that often on here).

eddielizzard · 17/05/2014 16:12

you've done the right thing apologising.

sounds like your sister really needs the break. as do you! just didn't work out this time.

pluCaChange · 17/05/2014 16:19

It's a shame you don't sound very sorry for her, even though she's having financial difficulties and emotional upheaval.

Of course she's jealous of you. She can't afford to plan an expensive trip which "can't" be cancelled. She can only afford to plan two days away to visit a friend, and that's under attack, possibly because it seems so inexpensive to other people.

KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 16:20

I don't understand why you say you would love to upgrade to business and go as a family, but made the original decision not to take DS and go as a family in the first place? His behaviour is not going to change just because you're sitting in a different part of the plane.
From what you posted earlier, it is possible for you to pay for DS's trip, if you can change onto a flight with seats. I'd keep trying to do this.
It looks like you made a bad decision in deciding not to take DS to this family event, which wasn't for financial reasons but because you find his behaviour difficult to deal with. It doesn't sound as if DSis's child has the same issues and I wonder if you are a bit envious of her?

diddl · 17/05/2014 16:21

"my sister says she asked and I have to believe her."

Why would you not??

Are you always digging at her like this in RL?

whatever5 · 17/05/2014 16:23

She struggles with money and doesn't work at the moment although she'd love to.

This suggests that she might do it if you offered her money especially now that you have apologised. I know you said you have offered to pay but I'm guessing that it wasn't enough to make it worthwhile. I know you will probably say that you can't afford to pay her much but if the whole event is so important that you feel/felt that your sister should cancel her trip for you and look after your three year old for six days, surely it's important enough for you to borrow money to pay her?

SpamTroll · 17/05/2014 16:26

Thanks Wine fair play OP for taking MN advice and rethinking this. Im glad you apologised and I really hope your sister and you are ok now. I love an AIBU when the OP is actually interested in the MN opinion. Smile

I would try and stop feeling so sad about this or you will ruin it for your DH. It's just one of those things that happen. It's no ones fault.

Only1scoop · 17/05/2014 16:32

Surely you would never leave your child for 6 days with your sisters ex anyway....

Glad you have apologised to her with the flowers hope it's smoothed things over

iamsoannoyed · 17/05/2014 16:35

YABU on many fronts!

You were unreasonable to assume your sister could look after your DS, who by your own admission can be a handful- for nearly a week. You should have asked, it was incredibly rude not to do so. If my DB did this to me (and he has done similar), I'd refuse to help on principle.

On top of that, even if she did cancel her weekend away, how do you know she is free to look after him during the week? Does she work? If she does you seem to have expected her to use her annual leave to look after your DS, which is completely unreasonable. And 6 days is a long time- it's not just a weekend. That's a big ask when you're on your own and the child in question can be hard work.

You have said she has been planning this weekend for a while- suggesting that either logistically or financially this has taken a long time to organise, and maybe will not be possible for a long time if she cancels. Ok she's not having to pay for accommodation, but depending on her finances, saving up for meals/days out may have been tough. And if she has to use her annual leave looking after your DS, she may not have enough left to re-book her holiday this year.

So while it might be a crap for you and your DH, your sister has "done" anything to you. She has simply refused to have how she spends her free time dictated to her without any consideration.

rollonthesummer · 17/05/2014 16:42

Yes, totally unreasonable. I'm stunned you just assumed that would be ok for her to have your child for 6 days!

marfisa · 17/05/2014 16:54

Well, now that you have apologised to your DSis and even brought her flowers, I for one am full of admiration for you, OP. Well done and it IS a shame about the wedding.

iamsoannoyed · 17/05/2014 17:16

Sorry, OP. I hadn't read the full thread. Well done for apologising- it's never easy to admit you got it wrong.

OddFodd · 17/05/2014 17:22

Good on you Flossie :)

Have some Thanks for you and is it too early for Wine? Can you plan something really fun for you and your DS to do together while your husband's away? Peppa Pig World/ThomasLand/Legoland type of thing? Or maybe go and visit some friends in the UK? If you've got the time booked off, it seems a shame not to make the best of it

rumbleinthrjungle · 17/05/2014 18:38

Good for you OP. Thanks A very brave and gracious update.

If I was your sister that repair work you've done would go a long way towards fixing things.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/05/2014 18:45

Sue

It is very entitled to expect someone to change their plans to do something that they haven't agreed to do.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2014 18:53

I really feel for your sister. I've read the thread, you still sound very smug. Very cheeky to ask her ex to take on your kid, too.

slithytove · 17/05/2014 19:06

That was her sister being cheeky in that case expat not OP

rollonthesummer · 17/05/2014 19:09

I've just reread your thread and think you were being horribly presumptuous! Your mum told you she couldn't have your child for 6 days but thought your sister might, but you didn't think any more about it for a few days!!

I would love to hear this from your sister's point of view!

Itsfab · 17/05/2014 19:15

I find it quite baffling that people feel they can be rude to an OP on the thread when they haven't even read the thread properly as what they are saying isn't even true.

The OP has met the bride to be several times!

OwlCapone · 17/05/2014 19:17

I don't understand why you say you would love to upgrade to business and go as a family,

She didn't say that at all.

KatieKaye · 17/05/2014 19:38

Actually, she did:

Yes we'd love to change our flights and take him, but financially that's not possible. We could upgrade to business on the flight we have now and go as a family but we don't have the money.

She didn't originally want to take DS, but would now love to. Perfectly clear, owl.