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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/05/2014 13:33

But why is her DSs trip not deemed as important. Maybe it's hard to get holidays from work. At my work its really hard, small but very busy shop. Maybe sis friend had to arrange time of work as well. I work every weekend so a pre booked weekend away is a real bonus. Fgs she didn't even ask her sis if she could help and just assumed which op agrees with and now sees she's at fault. I would get pissy with my siblings if they done this to me 'oh sis I forgot the wedding next week, mams now got to work so you are watching Dd for 6 DAYS! Mam said this was Ok' sorry about your pre planned trip and childcare being arranged but it's fine right as your not going to America, just staying in England. '

I would do the same as OPS sis. Asked in advance nicely, that's fine. Expected to watch a naught kid for 6 days cancelling my trip and telling DD she is no longer going with her df as arranged. Not Ok. The I would tell them to piss off

didyoureallysaythat · 17/05/2014 13:38

This is MN, so I'm not surprised at all the YABUs. People will say you're being U just to be goady. If your sister posted from her POV she'd be told she was U. Of course your sister doesn't HAVE to cancel her weekend but a decent, nice sister would - as you say, she's losing nothing, can do it another weekend, while you can't. YANBU, she's a selfish cow. Don't do any more favours for her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/05/2014 13:45

Wow Sue you sound as entitled as the OP.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/05/2014 13:48

Dancer and Did

Your posts are not based on anything other than the hearsay of the OP.

OwlCapone · 17/05/2014 13:52

People will say you're being U just to be goady.

I think the OP is being unreasonable because I think she was unreasonable to have assumed her sister was OK with looking after her "naughty" nephew for a week without actually asking her.

If your sister posted from her POV she'd be told she was U.

"AIBU to be angry that my sister has assumed, without asking, that I will cancel my long awaited weekend away with my friend in order to look after her DS? They decided not to take him away with them because they consider him too naughty to behave on a flight and they seem to be worried people will given them all hateful looks."

Nope, she's not unreasonable IMO.

Of course your sister doesn't HAVE to cancel her weekend but a decent, nice sister would - as you say, she's losing nothing, can do it another weekend, while you can't.

How do you know she can do it another weekend? None of us have any idea what the friend's availability is, just that the sister had waited a long time for this weekend away and none of her family appear to have offered to have her DS so that she can go.

mumontheroad · 17/05/2014 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumontheroad · 17/05/2014 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch · 17/05/2014 14:22

I think a lot depends on what the OP's mother actually said too, although I think I would have (and I'm sure the OP will now in future) have rung the sister to check she was ok with stepping in. It sounds as though the OP's mum made it seem as though it was all sorted with her sister, hence the OP being "reassured" that all was ok.

More of a lack of communications than all this "entitled" bollocks.

TheScience · 17/05/2014 14:23

Even if the sister didn't have plans, expecting someone to look after a naughty 3 year old, alone, 24 hours a day for 6 days is a big, big ask. I think maybe the OP doesn't realise what a big request it is, so not surprising that the sister is pissed off that she just assumed.

I would find looking after my own (well-behaved) 3 year old alone for a week quite hard work, add another difficult child in to the mix and I'm not sure I would want to, even for my sister.

flowery · 17/05/2014 14:37

I really think most of the people saying the OP is not BU and of course any decent sister would help out are completely missing the point or else not reading the thread.

Of course most sisters would help if they could, yes, if asked. I would myself. But the OP DID NOT ASK! She just assumed as a given that her sister would automatically cancel her own plans to run to the OPs aid and look after her challenging child for a week.

I don't know what planet you all live on where that isn't breathtakingly rude, and fortunately the OP herself has now realised that, but seriously, you'd all think that attitude was fine and dandy and would all assume it was up to you to automatically cancel plans in those circumstances?

brdgrl · 17/05/2014 15:06

Yes, flowery, I particularly like the post which suggested that those of us who find the OP shockingly unreasonable must have poor relationships with our sisters. Or be jealous of them!
On the contrary - mutual respect and kindness and consideration have allowed me to have good relationships with my sisters and their children.

diddl · 17/05/2014 15:16

Surely if the sister wanted to look after her nephew, she would have offered when her mum no longer could??

saintlyjimjams · 17/05/2014 15:17

Agreeing with Thumbwitch again....

OP let us know next time your sister asks for a favour and what you do.....

Do you think you have taken her for granted in the past and this is the final straw, or do you think she's just not as willing to put yourself out for you as you would be for her?

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 15:22

If anything it's down to the asshole of a sous chef who walked out after a row with the hotel manager that's to blame. That was on mum's day off and she's fairly sure if she had been there it would not have gone that far. My mum has never had to cancel her leave before, ashe's absolutely furious and says she's let us both down bigtime, but I do see she can't manage two small kids in between working long hours.

I haven't been watching this thread because I have taken round some flowers to my sister and apologised for the massive assumption I made. This has been graciously accepted but my sister says she is still having her weekend away and never to take her for granted like that again.

I know she has it hard, but I didn't really appreciate how hard. Her ex (and he won't look after my son - my sister says she did ask) walked out on her when he met someone else, and doesn't pay what he should. She struggles with money and doesn't work at the moment although she'd love to.

She admits to be jealous of me.

OP posts:
Quoteunquote · 17/05/2014 15:22

Have you asked your nephew's father if he has room for one more?

I think you could take this as a sign that you need to work on the relationship with your sister, does she feel valued by you? When did you last check she knows you love her?

the answers to these questions will explain to you why she doesn't want to rate her needs below yours,

If she is single, her time with a close friend might be really important to her as debrief from what is going on in her life, something you forget when you are in a relationship, as you have that going on all the time.

SueDoku · 17/05/2014 15:27

Boney I really don't think I'm entitled - more enraged to see someone happy to watch their so-called DSis have to miss a big family occasion - and lose money to do so - when she could have stepped in (as many other pp have said) like any decent human being - let alone a DSis - and helped out.

Who does that sort of thing to someone that they love? Hmm

mumontheroad · 17/05/2014 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/05/2014 15:29

She admits to be jealous of me

You just had to slip that in didn't you. You seem to still hold a grudge against her not helping you. I think you have reaped what you have sown.

diddl · 17/05/2014 15:35

"If anything it's down to the asshole of a sous chef who walked out after a row with the hotel manager that's to blame."

Na, it's still your mum who assumed that your sister would do it & you who didn't check with her.

bishboschone · 17/05/2014 15:35

change your flights and take him .

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 15:46

No my nephews father and his new partner won't have him - my sister says she asked and I have to believe her.

OP posts:
ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/05/2014 15:47

She might be jealous. I'm a single mother of 3 kids and I get a bit jealous of my 2 married siblings who have got the big house, nice car, foreign hols and no money worries. They also have more time to do things with their kids. Nice you have made up and have realised you took her for granted.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/05/2014 15:51

Has DH not got any relatives who are not going to the wedding who you could ask or pay, maybe someone who could use the extra cash

ikeaismylocal · 17/05/2014 15:53

If you'd be willing to leave him with sister's ex and new partner who I assume your child doesn't know well why not a nanny?

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 15:57

Yes we'd love to change our flights and take him, but financially that's not possible. We could upgrade to business on the flight we have now and go as a family but we don't have the money. Really we don't.

It's very easy for people to attack me and tell me to "manage" my son, I get this all the time. I am trying! We don't just spoil him and let him have his own way because it's easier. We are trying to teach him to behave, and we will get there eventually!

This does mean no restaurant meals out as a family at the moment, and I do balk at taking him on a long flight.

OP posts: