Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

[FlossieLondon]

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

Seen the update. Well done. You were in the wrong but glad you can see that.

Great update op. Give your sister a call.

Shakey ' unreasonable is a dit to you'

Can't understand your replies op. Your sister is selfish yes she would miss out but she could rearrange. You can't it's called putting others before yourself.

Just seen your update , yes it was a big ask but isn't that was families do?

I'm glad I'm not the sister of most Mumsnetters... although OP did sound a bit entitled and was wrong to assume her sister would take over the childcare (and 6 days with a naughty 3 year old is a big ask) I'd like to think that most sisters would step in in a situation like this. I certainly would for my sister. Despite the protestations here, a weekend visiting friends is not the same as a family wedding.

Isn't the point that sister wasn't asked?

It was just assumed that when mum let the OP down, sister would step in?

Also, when mum said she couldn't do it, what was said about OP?

Sister has organised her own childcare after being let down by her mum also.

Is she to know that there really isn't anyone else that OP can ask?

When my DC were young enough to need childcare the only person I could have asked for a weekend away was my ex. He worked in the type of job where weekend work was a given so would have had to have booked holidays in order to be able to look after them, not something that can be changed on a whim. For all we know the OP's sister's friend may be in the same position. It's not always possible for a weekend break in this country to be changed that easily.

OP glad you've realised you were wrong to assume your sister would have your toddler. Maybe next time you need a favour off her ask and don't take her for granted. I do hope you find a way to be able to go.

I think the suggestion of paying her typifys the attitude that money is more important here than anything else and I think that is the difference between many posters, OP and the sister and other posters on this thread.

Not at all. People are just recognising the fact that if you want someone do you a favour you need to show gratitude and appreciation. OP failed to do that by not even bothering to ask her sister in the first place. She just assuming her sisters plans were of no consequence. By offering payment (a substantial amount) she may make a sister feel a bit more appreciated and not taken for granted.

It's a hopeless situation. But relying on people for childcare can be difficult as things always seem to crop up to disrupt plans. I don't think anyone is 100% at fault here. But think twice about doing a favour for your sister in future and make sure she knows this.

Sorry didn't read thread.

Ummm I clearly didn't read the post very closely. I didn't understand to what extent the OP really hadn't asked her sister to help her out...!!! OK in that case I am actually completely siding with the sister.

I'm sorry that you may not be going OP but sometimes that's life and we just have to get on with it.

6 days is a lot to ask. I went Thurs-Tues to NY with my mum and had a lot of childcare in place for dh being able to work. But he was fine about me going away that long without stressing.

Yabu. It would be lovely if she had have been able to help, however sinbu to not cancel her own plans so that you can go ahead with yours.

I'm glad you've realised you were unreasonable, op.

I was about to rant when I read that.

I get the feeling that you don't realise how relentless being a single parent can be, and I suspect a lot of your sister's reluctance comes down to having to look after your difficult ds for 6 days. So instead of the break she planned with a friend (and that can be an enormously looked forward to event), she is suddenly looking at 6 days of horror, and you didn't even ask her.

As others have said, this isn't an emergency and your dh can easily go alone. The ticket price is a sunk cost either way.

I think your dsis would have been much more willing to help if you had asked for it. I really hope you can salvage your relationship.

You never know, if you go to her now with no expectations, and apologise for assuming she would help, and empathise with how you don't understand how hard things can be, then you may be able to resolve something.

Ywnbu to ask (if you had asked!), and she was not being unreasonable to say no.

Feel sorry for the op's mum, if she had not of offered there would not be this problem. She must be guilt ridden then to top it off she must now realise the her daughter are not as close as she believed.

The OP's Mum should never have offered, if she cannot guarantee getting booked time off.

If the child is that noisy and naughty that taking him on a flight was out of the question, it's time to right his behaviour.

I have a relative whose child is being fed crap, it's becoming increasingly difficult to have a day out, because I have to feed him food that I don't agree with ( and am getting very judgy looks for).

The child is also starting to swear, I am spending less and less time with him.

I was as close as a "Nan" at one point, babysitting etc but I don't want to do overnights anymore and other than a parental hospital admission, I wouldn't want him for six days.

I also need (as we all do), small things to look forward to.

None of us know how much the sister goes for others, there are times when we have to say No.

Oh, thank goodness!

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, for having forced into the open some issues which don't seem as though they have really been acknowledged (hence her angry reaction).

Caitlin17 Don't be ridiculous of course I don't!! I do however think that a wedding that involves flights, hotels, suit hire and whatever else they've had to pay for is probably trumps a weekend to stay with a friend that could in theory be rearranged, don't you?! I really don't see what relevance being married has?

OP I have read this thread with increasing astonishment and sadness for you. You ADNBU. I am very sorry that your 'D'Sis (who, frankly, sounds a real bitch) has treated you like this, and that you are having to miss a family occasion and lose quite a lot of money in the process.

I would very rarely say this, but I wouldn't be available to be in the same room as her again - ever. You sound lovely, and so does your Mum, and she sounds like a right little madam - and obviously has 'issues' which she could do with sorting out...

My sympathy for the fact that you and your DH won't be able to attend the wedding together and also that she has managed to ruin what should have been such a happy occasion - not just for you, but for your DH's wider family.

""I really don't see what relevance being married has?""

I'm wondering if the weekend away is going to involve a "hook up" , or being "on the pull".

It could be that the sister is lonely, as being a LP can be.

Why is the OP's Mum lovely, she over commits herself, pulls out and assumes someone else will pick up the pieces.

It's 6 days of babysitting a "noisy, naughty" child.

I was under immense pressure from family members at one point, I had to tell them all to back off and it didn't matter what I'd done in the past.

I needed a break. The sis might be in the same position, I never realised when married, even with a DH who worked away, how it could impact emotionally to be a LP.

caitlin it's a family wedding for the OP. The sister is going to visit a friend which she could do another time.

If I was the sister I would feel bad that my sister had to miss a special family event and would try my best to step in for her. That's what families do.