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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 17/05/2014 10:44

My comments are not irrelevant, Caitlin, you just don't agree with me. That's not the same thing. Perhaps I benefit slightly from just reading the OP's posts and not taking other posters view of her motivations and personality type as gospel.

Yes, it was the mother who first asked the sister if she could change her plans. That's because it was the mother who had the unexpected emergency. It may even be that the mother was hoping to call the OP and say "I have to work but don't panic, your sister's kindly agreed to..."

In the same situation, if my sister had paid for a flight to the States, saving up to do so, and my mum had agreed to childmind, and then had an emergency and couldn't, and I had a weekend away planned that I could reschedule without any financial loss, of course I would change my plans. With a smile on my face. And no, that doesn't make me a doormat because my sister would do the same for me.

marfisa · 17/05/2014 10:48

No, the mother didn't ask the sister either, Josie. The mother told the OP that she was "sure" the sister would "step in". That doesn't sound like asking to me, it sounds like presuming. Hmm

Original poster
FlossieLondon · 17/05/2014 10:49

I have been reading this and have got the message.

However you are all assuming I've never met my SIL to be. Wrong! My BIL met her here, and they have been together for a long time. I have met my SIL many times and like her very much. They are going to the USA where she is from to get married.

We have looked at getting another flight for my son (He is welcome as not a childfree wedding) and really can't afford it, we stretched our finances to the limit with just us going.

I have very sadly taken the decision not to go - my husband is gutted but will be going alone. We are not cancelling the flight just yet in case we find a solution but at the moment there doesn't seem to be one.

I took my sister for granted and I shouldn't have done. It was a big ask to expect her to look after our son for 6 days ( We did offer her money ) and she had every right to say she wanted to continue with her plans.

Lesson learned.

OP posts:
ssd · 17/05/2014 10:51

I've been to weddings alone and had to leave the dc's with dh

just get bloody on with it op, the world doesnt revolve around you

ssd · 17/05/2014 10:52

x post

marfisa · 17/05/2014 10:52

That's a very gracious message, OP. Thanks

Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 10:52

Good one OP I hope you find a reasonable solution. Sounds like a lesson learned for you with the balls to admit it.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 17/05/2014 10:53

You and your DH find your child's noisy and naughty behaviour charming? There's some skewed priorities right there. If a child is behaving badly, it's the parents job to correct the behaviour - not smile indulgently and say "how charming."

I am completely with your sister on this one. You expected her to cancel her plans at the last minute, to take care of your over-indulged toddler - on top of caring for her own child, and possibly work too, if she has a job. And you didn't even bother to ask her. I'm not surprised you got an earful! All because you wanted a child-free jolly? Nope, sorry, you're in the wrong here.

Suck it up and stay at home, or pay for childcare. Or take him with you - plenty of people do. Honestly, I don't see why you didn't have a backup plan for childcare anyway.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 10:53

Dancergirl Sat 17-May-14 09:35:35
If I was the sister, I would change my weekend and look after my nephew. It makes no odds to her to do her trip another time but the wedding can't be moved

Really? And how do you know it makes no odds to the sister ? Or the sister's friend for that matter. Why is it so vitally important that the OP is at this wedding? It's not her brother and she's never e

NoodleOodle · 17/05/2014 10:54

Haven't read the whole thread but, could your son go with his cousin to his dad's?

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 10:54

even met the bride.

Maybe83 · 17/05/2014 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/05/2014 10:58

I think the suggestion of paying her typifys the attitude that money is more important here than anything else and I think that is the difference between many posters, OP and the sister and other posters on this thread.

Not really. I would watch them if I was asked in advance for free. If I had to give up a planned break where my childcare had been arranged I may be tempted to do it for money rebook my trip and have extra money hence improving my trip. As a single working mother an extra £150 would definitely improve my rearranged trip

Shewhowines · 17/05/2014 10:58

I think YANBU to be disappointed that your dsis didn't help out. It was a big ask but had it been approached a bit better, then she might have done it. Many of us have said we would if we had been asked appropriatel
As you say lesson learned. I hope you can salvage your relationship with her. You never know, she might change her mind if you acknowledge that you took her for granted and should have asked rather than expected her to do it.

Chippednailvarnish · 17/05/2014 10:59

Six days with a child who is so badly behaved his parents can't face taking him on a plane.

Oh hell no.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 10:59

even met the bride.

HappySunflower · 17/05/2014 10:59

I am pleased to read this update. It sounds better for your son to stay at home. I can't imagine leaving my three year old to go abroad for 6 days.
How do you now intend to make peace with your sister?
In her shoes, I would feel quite hurt at the sense of entitlement that came across in your initial posts

Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 11:01

Ilovecory you just confirmed what I meant. For me a single parent also the extra £150 would be fruitless having already saved and scrimped to afford the break,against the value of a break and to see a friend.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 17/05/2014 11:01

I'm with your sister op.

You do sound very 'looked after', your mum rearranged her life to help you out, it went wrong, so your mum tried to find a solution for you. At no point did you do the grown up thing and ASK your sister if she could possibly help you out.

Maybe this is your wake up call to start acting like a grown up? You behaving like a grown up might also have a positive influence on your child's behaviour.

Apologise to your sister for taking her for granted and arrange your own life yourself. If needs be, your husband will just have to go on his own - this is the sort of thing that people without accommodating extended families do all the time btw.

Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 11:02

And also against the way I may have been treated in the circumstances.

brdgrl · 17/05/2014 11:03

Thanks for coming back to update, OP, and for taking this on the chin.

Like happysunflower says, you have some making up to do with your sister. Good luck with that.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 17/05/2014 11:04

Sorry, x posted with the update.

I still think you owe your sister an apology though.

Caitlin17 · 17/05/2014 11:05

Maybe why are you assuming the sister's plans are less important? You are missing the point. OP didn't even bother asking, just assumed she was more important. "Smug married" sounds quite fair to me.

JodieGarberJacob · 17/05/2014 11:07

Well done op for the update. You must be really disappointed to not be going but I hope you and your sister can move on and be friends again.

Maybe83 · 17/05/2014 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.