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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare Emergency - am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to sacrifice her weekend away?

609 replies

FlossieLondon · 16/05/2014 23:06

Hi this is my first time here - I've joined because I really need an outside view on something that is ripping my family apart at the moment.

My husbands twin brother is getting married to an American lady in her home town in just over three weeks time. My husband has been asked to be best man and of course wanted to do it.

We have a three year old who can be very good, but when he's bad he's horrid if you know what I mean. We didn't want to put him, ourselves (or other passengers) through the long flight, and were in two minds whether to go.

My mum does work full time but said she had some holiday due to her, and offered to take it and look after our son so we could go to the wedding. Mum offered to have my sister's son as well so that she could visit a friend for the weekend as she has been wanting to go for a long time. Great we thought and booked everything so that we would go on Thursday and come back on Tuesday, my sister was happy too.

Mum is a head chef in a good local hotel, and two weeks ago her sous chef walked out after an argument. They have a full diary of functions booked including over the weekend we are away. She has frantically been trying to recruit someone in time to train to able to take control while she is away, but has not found anyone.

A couple of days ago she called me and said the hotel owner is asking her to cancel her holiday because they have no one to step in while she is away. She explained the situation to him, but he simply isn't interested and has told her the buck stops with her because she is in charge of the kitchen.

Now my mum doesn't only want to work, she needs to work and she can't afford for this job to go pear shaped and has reluctantly had to accept that she has to cancel her leave. She was very upset when she rang me a couple of days ago but said that she was sure my sister would step in to help me, and went on to say that she could do nothing because she would be doing some long hours at the time we were away. Reassured I didn't think anything much more about it until my sister announced a couple of days later that her son is going to his father and she will still be going to visit her friend.

I can't believe she is doing this to me. She is not even losing any money by going on the trip another weekend. I've begged and pleaded with her to move her trip to have my son for a few days but she just says she has been looking forward to her trip and wants to go.

My husband has to go to the US to be best man and is devasted that I may have to stay behind. We even thought of taking our son but now the flights are full so we can't.

Am I being totally unreasonable in asking my sister to do this for me? Mum is heartbroken and says she feels so guilty about this but it really isn't her fault. There's no one else I could ask this of and I doubt if they'd agree if I did - my son can be a bit of a handfull but he's just going through the toddler stage.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/05/2014 10:04

I don't know why you're angry with your sis & not your Mum tbh.

She's the one who let you down & also assumed that your sis would do it- mean wtaf is that all about??

Not surprised that your sister is totally pissed off.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 17/05/2014 10:05

PS your sister is obviously jealous of you, because you're in a stable relationship and she's not. C'est la vie.

mumontheroad · 17/05/2014 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/05/2014 10:07

I'd never EVER drop my sister in the shit the way your sister has done to you. Regardless of whether Mum asked me on her behalf, no-one asked me until the last minute, how tricky my nephew was to look after or anything else that I can think of. A similar crisis did happen to us in the past (not a medical emergency) and I dropped everything, took time off work at short notice to help out.

I'm sorry your sister is being so very unhelpful. You probably won't forget this, and I wouldn't either in your place. Your time will come but I suspect it won't be quite as satisfying as you imagine it to be right now.

I think she's a bloody selfish and unreasonable cow.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/05/2014 10:07

I like the sister, she sounds like shes had enough and told you so.

Given you didnt want to take your own chidl with you due to his behaviour YABVU to expect somebody else to look after him for six days and nights. Its a huge ask and you actually didnt even ask and presumed she would just drop everything for you.

You mention your sister and mum look after him regularly, perhaps she thinks you should look after your own child.

oohdaddypig · 17/05/2014 10:09

Sorry but you do sound a bit unreasonable and entitled. Your child - your responsibility - not your sister's.

Sounds like your sister really needs her weekend away. Are you close to her? Is there something else going on?

Shinyshoes2 · 17/05/2014 10:14

YABU ... Your sister has arranged for her child to go stay with the father .. She is not doing anything to you
If you can't arrange alternative childcare , it's unfortunate , but YABU to blame others
Your DH will just have to go by himself .... I don't see why you can't take your child , sounds to me that you want a child free break and expect others to facilitate this

Either take your child with you or stay at home . You don't NEED to be there your DH is the best man

Stop blaming others for an unfortunate incident

skittycat · 17/05/2014 10:17

YABVU. Maybe if you had thought to actually go to your sister and have a discussion with her about looking after your child for a week WHEN YOUR MUM HAD SAID SHE COULDN'T (as in the day she told you) rather than expecting your sister to do it without asking then your sister may have done it.

As it is, you expected your sister to do this favour for you without even asking her and are now shocked that she's made other plans. Why should she drop what she's arranged because you don't have the common courtesy to talk to her about the situation?

Your sister's comments sound a little bit mean, but if you've been going on at her about it (which you may not have) then I wouldn't be surprised if she's getting pissed off with the situation.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/05/2014 10:19

You've got three weeks to sort something out. I'd be having a think about hiring a temp nanny or something similar if you're desperate to go.

Inquarantine · 17/05/2014 10:22

Yabu.

Currently sat at home with poorly dc. DH has gone abroad for several days to attend a wedding. We were all going but doc became ill midweek. We are sad to miss out, but you have to be prepared for this when you have kids.

Dsis deserves a break too, it's just unfortunate timing. 6 days is a long time to look after someone else's unruly toddler. She may have been more inclined to help if you had not just assumed your needs were more important than hers. Change flights to accommodate ds or just accept that you can't go. You should be able to get flight taxes back from airline if you cancel.

marfisa · 17/05/2014 10:23

Like nearly everyone else on the thread I think YABVU.

You and your mum decided between yourselves that your sister would look after your challenging 3-yr-old FOR SIX DAYS and you didn't consult her about it first. And she's a single mum!

She's perfectly entitled to say no.

As someone above suggested, I would look for a different flight (on a slightly different day or time) that you and your DS can go on. It will be expensive, but paying someone to look after your child day and night for 6 days would be very expensive too.

Flights to the US are not really that bad to handle with a child (unless you are ending up at a small airport and have to deal with multiple flight changes). Try flying to Australia or New Zealand and entertaining your DC on a plane for 24 hours - that's hard work.

middleagedspread · 17/05/2014 10:23

I really understand you're put out, but it's not really fair to blame your sister.
If it was an overnight job, fair enough but 6 days is a long time with a challenging toddler.
You need to decide if DH should go on his own or you get a flight for DS and all go.

OwlCapone · 17/05/2014 10:25

You seem to have a very low opinion of your DS.

basgetti · 17/05/2014 10:25

Just out of interest as this has been a trip sister has been waiting to go on for a long time, why have neither you nor your mother never had her DC so she can do this trip before now?

This is a good point. Also, maybe your sister feels that no one has helped to facilitate her trip away but as soon as you need help your Mum has booked annual leave for it and offered to look after her DC as an afterthought.

In addition, she has negotiated with her ex to look after DC now. I don't know what their relationship is like but it may have been awkward and difficult, and I can understand her not wanting to mess him around or try to change plans.

restandpeace · 17/05/2014 10:25

Its not up to your sister to step in

2rebecca · 17/05/2014 10:26

The thing is the sister didn't make plans recently, the mother was planning to look after both grandchildren because both her daughter already had plans for that weekend, this isn't a new arrangement.
When the mum cancelled the sister made other childcare arrangements whilst the OP just assumed the sister would be her childcare and didn't bother to ask her if she was now cancelling her trip to the friend she'd been wanting to see for a long time.
I agree this shouldn't be tearing the family apart as no-one has done anything wrong. It's just unfortunate the hotel owner won't let the mum have her booked holiday but sometimes if you have an important job that happens.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/05/2014 10:26

YABU.

I wouldn't want to be told I was looking after someone else's naughty child for 6 days, either.

whatever5 · 17/05/2014 10:26

OP, have you tried offering your sister money (a substantial amount e.g. the cost of your flight) to look after your child? I think that you really need to suck up to her as well though.

aurynne · 17/05/2014 10:29

Am I the only one on this thread that thinks that, actually, the OP's sister's rare weekend visiting a good friend she hasn't seen in ages completely trumps a destination wedding of someone the OP has never met before?

There is actually an "in the middle" solution nobody seems to have considered. The wedding must surely only last one day. Couldn't the OP reduce her 6-days-and-6-nights US holiday to a 3-day (return trip plus actual wedding), so her sister only needs to babysit for her DS for 3 days and still go on her weekend away? This would surely be a much smaller sacrifice for both.

everlong · 17/05/2014 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletforya · 17/05/2014 10:30

I have babysat my nephew before many times, and my sister has looked after my child

Has she done more for you though? What's the difference between 'babysitting' and 'looking after' ?

Babysitting sounds like a couple of hours, whereas looked after sounds more? Have you had her ds overnight?

I agree with everyone else anyway. You were mind bogglingly presumptive not to ask and to just assume your sister would jump to it like that.

Which makes me think you have form?

In which case I'm not surprised she put you in your place.

OwlCapone · 17/05/2014 10:32

...destination wedding of someone the OP has never met before

Isn't it her DHs twin brother?

ILoveCoreyHaim · 17/05/2014 10:34

I would offer to pay her and she might reschedule and use the money towards the trip. There's no way I would look after my siblings naughty toddler for almost a week if I something planned. You would need to make it worth my while.

profplump · 17/05/2014 10:35

I suspect the OP has got the message by now!

OP resign yourself to fate. Have a peaceful 6 days at home with your DS. With some 1 to 1 time perhaps he will blossom and become less noisy and naughty. Meanwhile your DH can have a great time away and come back ready to return the favour.

Oh, also, send your DSIS a big bunch of flowers with a note saying sorry and offering to have her DC one weekend if she ever has a trip again and no childcare.

Canthisonebeused · 17/05/2014 10:40

I think the suggestion of paying her typifys the attitude that money is more important here than anything else and I think that is the difference between many posters, OP and the sister and other posters on this thread.