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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL's winter fuel allowance

107 replies

Worriedkat · 16/05/2014 12:50

PIL have just received their winter fuel allowance, late due to an admin oversight apparently. They want to use it to take us and DHs siblings and partners out for a slap up expensive meal.

I don't feel quite right about it. Probably having worked for a well known advice organisation and remembering all the clients badly affected by austerity measures. I suggested to MIL that we buy a meal to cook in our house and donate the rest of the money to charity, she got all offended and said her and FIL had never been eligible for any help when their kids were small overlooking child benefit and the fact they have significant savings and they're not going to refuse handouts now they're finally getting them.

Would IBU to not go on this meal? Am perfectly open to being told I'm being way too precious about this.

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 16/05/2014 12:51

You are being way too precious. Just go and enjoy the meal. Or dont go and let them enjoy it.

Takingthemickey · 16/05/2014 12:54

You are being precious, although I appreciate you are coming from a good place. It is their money you cannot use your values to determine how they spend it.

WooWooOwl · 16/05/2014 12:54

Yes YABU.

The money belongs to your PILs, it's up to them what they do with it and it is definitely not your place to suggest they give their own money to charity. Taking all their children out together will be a lovely treat for them.

Don't go on the meal if you don't want to, but I think it would come across as rude not to.

Btw, their savings don't count as help when their kids were small.

redexpat · 16/05/2014 12:55

My parents use it to buy the christmas food shop. I can see where youre coming from, but its their money now and they can do whatever they like with it.

Viviennemary · 16/05/2014 12:55

YABU. If you don't approve then don't go for the meal. Not surprised your mil was not pleased with you. It's not your money so not up to you how it is spent.

Hoppinggreen · 16/05/2014 12:55

Yes you are being precious . It's up to them what they do with it and it's a nice gesture that they want to share it with you.
My parents use it to themselves a slap up meal ( usually Harvey nicks, where they go on the train using their free bus pass as DF is worried about parking his BMW in the city centre).
It's a farce but you refusing to go is a bit daft

MaxPepsi · 16/05/2014 12:59

YABU

It's not going to go very far. It will be a maximum of £300 they get.

If your DH has only one sibling that's only £50 per head.

Cookiepants · 16/05/2014 12:59

I can see where you are coming from OP. maybe if it wasn't given to those who don't need it for fuel more could go to those who do.

Onesleeptillwembley · 16/05/2014 13:00

You sound like a sanctimonious prig.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/05/2014 13:01

I think if you feel strongly about it, then to attend the dinner would be hypocritical. I wouldn't go, but not sure how you do that without offending your PILs.

5Foot5 · 16/05/2014 13:01

YABU - not your place to tell someone what charitable contributions they should make.

Having said that I remember a few years ago there was a local initiative to invite better off pensioners to donate their winter fuel allowance to an age-related charity so it could help those elderly who were really in need.

Don't know how many participants they got...

FraidyCat · 16/05/2014 13:02

YABU. There are all sort of tax/benefits flows of money between individuals and government, many of which look silly/unfair when viewed in isolation. For every token amount of money people receive (winter fuel is bugger-all in the overall scheme of things) there will be some other unreasonable tax/payment somewhere else.

If you don't like the rules, campaign to get them changed. In the meantime people are allowed to spend the money that is theirs under current rules however they like.

Chocotrekkie · 16/05/2014 13:05

Well I claim my child benefit and I don't need it to live on.

Surely it's the same arguement.

Any non means tested benefit is the same - you could argue that your pils have paid a lot of tax over the years so why shouldnt they get it when someone who has never worked does.

Don't want to turn this into a benefits bashing threat.

AShadowStirsWithin · 16/05/2014 13:05

Can you think of it this way - they had to tighten their belts during the winter in order to heat their homes. They are now getting that money back. The money which would have enabled a higher quality of life over the winter which for pensioners is a very hard time. They don't want to do anything reckless or immoral with it, they want to have a meal with all their loved ones around them, a special thing. Heating is expensive and even those with savings have to cut back on some luxuries to afford adequate heating. So this is something they may not have been able to afford to do over the winter and now they can. Don't deny them a happy memory of their family around them because you've gone all high and mighty.

VanitasVanitatum · 16/05/2014 13:05

Just because it's come late doesn't mean they didn't have to pay for fuel this winter. The money replaces money of their own which they did spend on fuel. I really think you're making your MIL feel guilty unfairly.

msmoss · 16/05/2014 13:05

They may not have had child benefit, my Mum got it for me but not for my brother who was born in the late 60s as it wasn't given for first children at that point.

Also not sure what their savings have to do with handouts as that is surely they were created from money they earned rather than given to them in the form of benefit.

Whilst there is a point to be made about well off pensioners receiving benefits when they don't need them I don't think you're going about making this point particularly well.

adsy · 16/05/2014 13:11

I agree with the sanctimonious prig comment.

calculatorsatdawn · 16/05/2014 13:13

How about you think about it the accoutant's way...

They had a pot of money marked 'for fuel' this pot was supposed to contain 300 (or however much) of winter fuel allowance. This never came so they took money from the 'treats' pot to pay for the heating.

When the fuel allowance came in they reversed all those debits and credits so the money from the fuel allowance went into the 'fuel' pot but that was now in credit, so they allocated it back into the 'treat' pot that was left in the red.

It's not fuel money they're spending, it's an accumulation of the treats pot. The fact that they haven't been able to spend out of the treats pot because it's been in deficit has meant that money they would have spent on popping out for a coffee etc is now a lump that can be spent on something more substantial and they would like to spend out of their treats pot with you. Smile

WomanScorned · 16/05/2014 13:16

I would feel the same as the op. I don't think that makes me, or her, a sanctimonious prig.

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2014 13:20

Do/did you receive child benefit?

Do/did you need it? Could you manage without it? Did you give all of it to charity?

Glad you're not my DiL.

Kewcumber · 16/05/2014 13:26

no I don't think its exactly sanctimonious but you can't dictate how other people spend their money (and it is their money)

If I invited someone out to something as my treat I would expect a variety of responses (including "sorry I can't make it") but not "If you have any spare cash you should be donating it to charity". Kind of implying that its the kind of thing that you do and therefore everyone should do.

Its particularly bad manners when someone isn't flush with cash (I'm assuming not if they think the fuel allowance represents a "slap up meal" for at least 6 adults) has made the kind offer when they could have spent it on themselves.

I wouldn't have shown I was offended personally but I would have made a mental note not to invite you to anything that cost more than the bare minimum in future in case I was judged for being too profligate and spending money that could have gone to the starving orphans.

Kewcumber · 16/05/2014 13:27

guess who's getting a charity goat for Xmas?

GloriousGoosebumps · 16/05/2014 13:29

Giving money to charity is a good thing but it really isn’t for you to decide what someone else does with their own money. I’d be rather more impressed if you were donating your own money. Your proposal reminds me of those people who give Oxfam goats for Christmas presents, they get the feel good factor while, of course, keeping the Christmas presents they’ve been given. So do you donate any of the Government money you receive - Child Benefit for example?

LuisSuarezTeeth · 16/05/2014 13:30

OP feels uncomfortable about it - that's not sanctimonious!

I think the winter fuel allowance should be means tested and increased for those who really need it.

It's rather more to do with their attitude than what they actually want to do with it.

Kewcumber · 16/05/2014 13:31

I can see where you are coming from OP. maybe if it wasn't given to those who don't need it for fuel more could go to those who do.

The problem is (works for child benefit too) is that in order to get it to the people who most need it, it needs to be a universal benefit. As soon as you make things means tested, the cost of administering the benefit shoots up and the people most in need are the least likely to claim it either through pride or inability.

They have attempted to tackle this with child benefit and its a bloody cock up (IMVHO)