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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let him back in the house!

156 replies

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 08:55

My husband has gone away for a week, he has taken his bank card and his tablet (our way of transferring money) and has left the kids and I with NOT A PENNY to buy food or nappies or anything.

Who does something like that?

The earliest I am going to be able to speak to him is at 7pm tonight and that is only if he answers his messages (which he conveniently hasn't all morning)

I am SO angry with him!

OP posts:

CrystalSkulls · 12/05/2014 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:51

Well he is back thursday, I should be working next week (please please let me be working next week) and then I will have income in my account too. Which obviously will take the pressure off a lot.

but unfortunately there is no quick fix, I just have to know that I can trust him to put money in the bank when he says he will. If that changes I will start hiding cards from him

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 14:56

I hope you are joking about hiding cards??

shitatusernames · 12/05/2014 15:02

Just a thought, but if you get your tax credits on a Monday, you would get them early if it was a bank holiday, so if you were able to set up a way of making an automatic transfer every week you shouldn't get charged? I think we've all done things by accident that means it affects our partner, and thankfully your crisis has been stopped :-)

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 15:03

I just think there is a lot more going on than a lack of money. Lots of couples struggle for money but they don't take all the access to the money and leave the other person having to ask. They also don't consider hiding bank cards. Having a lack of money is not a reason for only one person to have control of the available money and make little transfers when requested to the other person. Some of the money is for food and essentials no you shouldn't have to ask for that, you should have open access to it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/05/2014 15:05

"He will always put himself/his work/his study first which can be infuriating for me because I always put the kids first but I suppose that is the balance. "

How is that a balance OP?

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 16:11

Yes impatient if it were 'only one person to have control of the available money' it would be unbalanced but as it is we are both in the position of control or having to say 'transfer money' just the way it goes.

I think him putting him work and study first is a balance really (though it does really wind me up) because he has to work otherwise we would all be in the shit. I am sure lots of people are like that, it comes across as a bit 'I'm alright Jack' to me but that is how he is.

The balance is that I make sure the kids and the pair of us have food and he makes sure there is money there to buy the food. I think that is a balance.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 16:15

I think it's a bit unfair to say he puts work first and you put the kids first, unless there is a massive backstory. Working adults have to take their jobs seriously but doubt it comes before family. If you are at home with the kids then obviously they are your main role.

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 16:18

It sounds more like you have to ask him for some money or to transfer it which isn't balance at all. If you can't just go and get it yourself and have to ask then that's being treated a little bit like a child and asking for spends. Regardless of whether you ensure that the children have what they need it doesn't alter the fact that you have to ask for money because none of it gets paid into an account which you have open access to all of the time.
But I do realise that I am wasting my time trying to get you to realise any of this, because you clearly cannot see that grown adults shouldn't have to ask for money to be transferred or phone up their partners when they accidentally leave with the bank card. Obviously a joint account would be idea but seeing as that can't happen a regular transfer of the money that you need and will spend anyway should be set up.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 16:18

I work too (or do when I'm working) but yes he does put his work first, he will make sure that all his stuff is sorted and that he looks the part (haircuts and things) while we do without a lot but I realise that is what he has to do. Its just bloody annoying.

What this all boils down to is there being not enough money. Thats the long and short of it.

Things will get easier, need to give it time.

OP posts:

CiderLover · 12/05/2014 16:19

He is my husband, I am not his girlfriend and fortunately he isn't the type of bloke to throw his wife and young children onto the streets because of an argument. Something to think about cider

Whereas you are?

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 16:20

It sounds like there might be enough money if your DH prioritised you and the children as much as he prioritises himself. You have almost admitted as much yourself.

CiderLover · 12/05/2014 16:20

And he's gone away to work, hardly running out of the house for a lads holiday. Anyway, I think you are being unreasonable.

He is probably equally stressed

Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 16:24

Well, when I'm working I have to look the part. Suits, hair done etc, it's part of portraying a professional image. I'm on mat leave just now. I have no idea if he is a bad guy at all but you are making him sound it, or at least trying to.

If you are going without then you need to speak with him about that.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 16:24

Nope, no matter what we do there will not be enough money right now. trust me I have written out the budgets and looks at the figures and there is just not the money coming in.

yes I would rather he waited a few weeks for a haircut but he doesn't want to look a mess at work etc etc. Its okay we will get past it.

cider i wouldn't kick my children out on the streets, nor would I kick my husband out. I might lock the door on him to be a bit petty but actually, I've never done that, I was just having a bit of a rant.

He has gone away with work, he has his food bill paid his accommodation paid, he took the bank card with him because he wanted to buy himself a few drinks which is why it pissed me off so much that he didn't transfer the rest of the money over to me. Because he doesn't need it and can't spend it because it is spoken for.

I am okay with feeling miffed about that, I am okay with suggesting that I will lock the bugger out for messing up our day and making me worry so much about something that could be so easily fixed.

If you don't like it cider then don't read it. I've been with my partner for 10 years and he doesn't need the likes of you sticking up for him thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 16:27

Nick We ALL go without stuff, DH and I don't eat fruit regularly, we can't afford to go out ever, we can't afford to buy nice food or fresh vegetables every week.

Today he was the bad guy! He left us with no bloody money and took the bank card without a seconds thought to what position that put us in. It doesn't mean he is always bad or a terrible person, just means that today he has been thoughtless and stupid.

OP posts:

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 17:07

E sends money on tobacco that you can ill afford and he took the bank card so he could buy some drinks even though he knows that you are really struggling and can't afford to buy fruit and veg and that the money was spoken for?
Yes, he sounds a very reasonable man indeed

Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 17:13

What I don't get is that you don't grudge him smoking because he works hard but you grudge him getting a haircut?

I don't actually think the op's H is as thoughtless as she is implying. Maybe he is unaware quite how dire their situation is?

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 17:14

I don't begrudge him anything. Things would be easier if we didn't have to focus on what he needs first, that's all.

You're not going to convince me he is an evil man so please stop trying. I had an issue, I had a rant, its over. Let it be.

OP posts:

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 17:15

And by the way I HATE him smoking and it is nothing to do with £2.50 a week.

OP posts:

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 17:19

Why do you need to focus on his needs first?
Also, I have interest in convincing you the he is an evil man because I actually don't think he is, I do think that you are being a bit of a doormat though and not putting your own needs on the same level as your husbands. Just because he goes out to work it doesn't make his needs more important.

Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 17:22

I don't have an interest

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 17:47

Because he earns more money every year, so he can't just get a new job, he has to continue with his study/work in this job. So the most important thing really is that he continues to work and make money exponentially until we are in a better position.

Not much anyone can do about it and we scrape by, the kids have fresh fruit every day and a proper dinner.

What else can we do really

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 12/05/2014 17:49

Quotes you said up there ^^ that you do without because of him looking the part for work. What is it you are doing without? are you doing without essentials or is it less important things and does he know the effect his work related costs are having? Could he stretch his haircuts to every six weeks, fe? Does he spend money on dry cleaning?

I do understand the point of him looking the part btw, my DH needs to for his business.

And for the future, for weeks when you have less money, is there anyway you can build up a bit of reserve food so that if this happens again you can at least relax about feeding yourselves while he's away? Things like canned soups, veg, fruit etc, milk, bread and ham in the freezer. Buy one extra item each week until you have a couple of days supply stashed. I do know it's difficult when money is tight.

I'm glad you've got today's crisis sorted.

Original poster

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 18:19

We've got a stash of sorts in the garage but we are saving it for the zombie apocalypse

Definitely need to be more organised when he is away and I NEED to be working.

OP posts:

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