Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him back in the house!

156 replies

nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 08:55

My husband has gone away for a week, he has taken his bank card and his tablet (our way of transferring money) and has left the kids and I with NOT A PENNY to buy food or nappies or anything.

Who does something like that?

The earliest I am going to be able to speak to him is at 7pm tonight and that is only if he answers his messages (which he conveniently hasn't all morning)

I am SO angry with him!

OP posts:
DaVinciNight · 12/05/2014 12:43

Nomore, I feel for you as we've been having similar issues with the 'card' being in DH's pockets when I needed it to do some bank transfer.

I think my take on it is that it is essential to plan for the few times when I might have access to it. Our way to budget is to use different CC for different things and to pay it all at the end of the month. It works perfectly as long as you an move money easily between accounts and sometimes, as you have experienced, it's not that easy. Both our banks (HSBC and Barclays) require the card thingy to log in onto the account anyway.
I do know though that some banks use a text system to get a code when you do your banking with the app (is it what you have on the ipad?) so maybe worth having a look at getting the app on your phone or on your computer.

SpringBreaker · 12/05/2014 12:45

How can you light a fire with a toaster? And it's may, so why on earth do you need the fire lit anyway??

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 13:01

Well its pretty chilly here today and the kids are a bit snivelly so thought they could use a bit of extra heat. As soon as I work out how to light the fire with the toaster I will let you know!

OP posts:
Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 13:15

All this talk of your husband taking your card if the tax credits were paid into your account instead of his makes me think that there are issues around control. Why can't your husband let the money be paid to you and leave you with the card?
Here is what would make sense:

You need £70 per week for food etc (that is what you said is your household disposable income). So you get the tax credits paid into your account and you leave enough to cover the £70 per week and transfer the rest into your husbands account to go towards the bills.
That way you already have the money that you need for food and essentials and the rest of the money is in the bill paying account.
There will be no more confusion over your husband leaving with the card that has the food money on it and no need to rely on him doing the transfer on time. You will only need to rely on yourself making a transfer.

I don't understand why he would be taking your bank card if you have the food and essentials money. If he takes your card under those circumstances then he is controlling you financially and the problems run a lot deeper than just your finances.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 13:20

He would take the card with money on it, it isn't about my card or his card

there is no difference between him taking his card with money on it and my card with money on it. The issue is that if he takes the card (which ever, with money on it) and the tablet then I cannot transfer money over.

OP posts:
Impatientismymiddlename · 12/05/2014 13:36

Then it is ultimately about control. You should not have to ask him for money as it should be available to both of you equally, which means you having some money paid into your account. If he was reliable enough to set up a regular payment into your account or just give you a card then it would be fine, but him taking whatever card has the money on it and leaving you asking for money is controlling.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 13:41

But the opposite can be said some of the time too, sometimes I have both the cards and he has no access to money. Its not a control thing between us, the lack of money is what is really controlling in our relationship I think but we are both working hard to get past that.

OP posts:
liquidstatehasrisenagain · 12/05/2014 13:47

Those little calculator things are majorly annoying and really not necessary. I don't need one for my Natwest account or the joint santander as all the codes etc are generated to the mobile, but DH needs one for his barclays account. Which is where all ourhis savings are.

Good job he is away for a week to give you a chance to calm down!

steff13 · 12/05/2014 13:49

Lighting a fire with a toaster sounds dangerous. Can you buy a new lighter when you do your shopping?

CiderLover · 12/05/2014 13:51

Sounds like the issue is more to do with him going away. Is it a holiday? Why can't you open a joint account?

I got one straight away with girlfriend. Neither of our credit historys are great.

Also, How could you not have any food at all in the house, especially knowing he is going away

CiderLover · 12/05/2014 13:52

FYI if my girlfriend locked me out because I forgot to transfer money, she's be looking for a new home

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:03

He is not on holiday he is away with work.

We used all our food up this weekend, when you've only got a set budget a week you tend to spend it on the weeks food. I would definitely be able to cobble something today if I absolutely have to but fortunately I don't because he has transferred some money.

He is my husband, I am not his girlfriend and fortunately he isn't the type of bloke to throw his wife and young children onto the streets because of an argument. Something to think about cider

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 14:08

I really think you should have an overall look at your budgeting and the way you are doing things, it doesn't seem to make sense. You mention that sometimes you have the cards and he has no access to money, that's ridiculous.

You should BOTH be able to access money when needed.

And honestly, if you are struggling so much that you have no food then he needs to give up smoking. It's a luxury you can't afford. Yes, yes I know it's an addiction but when it's either that or feeding your family, it has to go.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:15

I know I've been over it with him. To be fair to him he just costs us £10 a week + obviously lunches and dinners. He doesn't spend money on coffees at work or anything but a 12.5g pouch of bacci every other week. he doesn't smoke a lot at all.

The budget is what it is, we have less money going out than we have coming in and its all about just juggling it until things improve. It is a pain but that is where we are right now.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 14:19

But £10 a week is a lot of money when you have so little? You are a better woman than me then because when push comes to shove, you have to make sacrifices. If he doesn't smoke a lot then surely it wouldn't be hard to give up?

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:19

that is mostly his getting to work and back money. He spends probably 2.50 a week on tobacco.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 14:21

Sorry you said £10 plus lunches? You seem to have no room for contingencies. I honestly would look at your set up again as it leaves you worryingly close to the wire.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:24

yes he has to get to work and back 4 times a week which costs us £7.50 because I usually pick him up on a Friday. Then he has a whole £2.50 to buy tobacco with and that is it, that is all he spends other than a hair cut once a month at £10.

He works hard, I can't begrudge him the money although I HATE him smoking.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/05/2014 14:28

I just find it a bit bizarre that this one minor incident with a bank card and tablet has left you without money, lighting a fire with a toaster and sending "shitty" text messages to his colleague to pass on to him. But if you think that's the best way for your family then that's obviously your business.

Many others have offered you good advice at how to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:32

Thats life I'm afraid, I have taken advice, I have said I will get another key card and that we will look at getting a second bank account when we are better off.

Unfortunately some of the suggestions would only work if there was more money, like always having money in both accounts (a dream seriously) and some don't make any sense to me, like having the tax credits paid into a different account, that just wouldn't change anything at all.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 12/05/2014 14:33

Is the child benefit in your name op because if not you won't get the sohm part of your pension you're entitled to

MrsPresley · 12/05/2014 14:37

What tobacco can he get for £2.50 Shock

I smoke tobacco and bought a small pack of Golden Virginia yesterday, it cost £4.70 (12g)

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:37

Yes it is, though it doesnt matter I am working by all intents and purposes, just between jobs/doing agency work at the moment (which is dire)

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/05/2014 14:41

So you have your own bank account but no access to money. Not sure I understand this set up at all. Have you no overdraft facility on your own account.

Original poster
nomorequotes · 12/05/2014 14:43

They won't give me an overdraft (tried)

its okay he's transferred some money now and we shouldn't have this problem again. He has been firmly told if he takes the card and the tablet he HAS to take responsibility for transferring money.

OP posts: