That it's not 'his' money!

[NameChangeAnon]

I've NC as I know a couple of MNetters in RL (though they already know my DH has his moments, especially with money related matters)

Just on the phone talking to DH and mentioned that I've found a reasonably priced masters degree, distance learning, in my interest area. It will be £4k over 2 years for part time. I'd like to start in 2015 as a goal.

I am currently a SAHM with 2DC, one YR and the other has another year before starting school. This was a choice we made, to have a SAHP until school age. We were both career changing so it could have been him, but he loved the first job he got and it's been going great for 3 years.

Every now and then he seems to have moments where 'he' is the earner and it is 'his' money. He said that he was not going to pay for my masters as it's not necessarily going towards me earning more in a job and is therefore hobby money while it's not necessarily going towards a job it might later I keep getting comments about returning to my old career (where I could get a reasonable salary from the first job) rather than being able to continue my own career change plans.

I was also, at this point, dealing with a potty training toddler, holding a wad of toilet paper in my other hand and getting DC2 to put on underwear. Is it my imagination but am I not also working and therefore entitled to a say in the family money? To be fair he wants to use the money I'm talking about to pay off the mortgage early and I agree with this goal, but I do not agree that he gets to dictate without discussion. He tried a sarcastic 'Do I get £2k a year to do my hobby?' and I said yes so he backtracked to his priority being the mortgage and how unreasonable I was to do anything else but focus on our security.

I really just need a bit of a vent. He's a good DH except he gets stupid wankerish twitchy about money and we're renovating the house at the moment and money is hemorrhaging out of our accounts although we are still perfectly on budget. Perhaps I mistimed the discussion as I knew I'd find prat-with-money-DH coming out this summer of spending.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

OP hasn't asked her opinions in her 'waste of time' ambitions, but whether she should have a say in how family money that she obviously contributes to should be spent.

Posters keep avoiding the issue.

You put it so much better than me Infinity and yes it is very scary reading.

I don't get the problem with seeking a fulfilling job either. My husband manages to work hard, earn good money and be fulfilled at work. I know that it's not always possible, but striving to do a job that you enjoy doesn't seem that unreasonable to me.

There seems to be a view from some posters that sahm are just taking advantage of their poor hard working partners. The fact is that most families who operate like this, made a joint decision that it was better for the family as a whole. I know we did. It meant financial sacrifices (we didn't have a holiday abroad until our children were in their early teens and we moved to a cheaper area so that we could afford the house that we needed), but it was very much a mutual decision. Oh and I'm no martyr and freely admit to loving being at home, but it was no easier or harder than going out to work. The occasional mind numbing tedium and boredom of not working shouldn't be underestimated.

The decisions we made when we had children would not have worked at all if my husband didn't consider all earnings as family money. He has always earned many times the amount that I was capable of and never shown a seconds resentment in almost 3 decades.

Maybe my age is showing here and I'm hopelessly out of touch with how marriage works today, but it's still sad that the OP's husband won't at least discuss how joint money is spent.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

I dont see this as being all about the money. Is the issue for the DH that the OP is putting back the point where she will return to work.

This thread isnt scary to me. It is much easier to discuss these type of issues in the abstract. My situation is much more similar to the DH's.

So Gnome, do you think all money coming in is family money, regardless of who earned it? Do you think the OP is reasonable to expect a discussion about where that money is spent, even if it is then decided that her plans aren't viable?

A few years ago I was interested in doing some training, possibly a degree, in a subject I was fascinated by. We discussed it together and I decided for myself that it would be better to keep it as an interest. Perhaps that's all the OP wants. Some recognition of her ideas, rather than a blanket no.

I work full time. I mostly like my job. There are some bits that are soul destroying and hard work and not enjoyable. It takes me away from my family more than I would ideally like. I console myself by remembering that I have a job that I enjoy and it sort of compensates for this.

Would I swap my job to be a SAHM of pre-schoolers? No, I wouldnt (actually I had the chance to take voluntary redundancy and do just this and turned it down).

Would I swap my job to be a SAHM of school age children, spend my time doing hobbies that I really enjoyed, while someone else picked up the bills? Actually I seriously might be tempted.

Really wonder if OPs DH is thinking like this. He was happy to work while she was busy with babies/toddlers. He didnt want to do the looking after babies/toddler bit. However, maybe OPs proposed future life sounds tempting.

My DH used to work away a lot. He always said that he appreciated it was hard for me having to pick up the pieces, but felt I didnt appreciate how hard it was for him to be away from his family so much, however much he enjoyed his job.

Family money is family money. It is irrelevant to ask who earns it. Both parents ought to have an equal say in how it gets spent, regardless of the percentage of contribution. That is fair. Looking after kids and bringing home the bacon are both essential to supporting a family.

However, that means-

1. Both parents are responsible for earning, unless one income is sufficient to support the family, and the person earning out doesn't mind the other parent not earning. Otherwise, the non-earner is freeloading on the other.

1. If one parent earns much less than the other, the lesser earner's income should go into the pot just the same; it can never be fair to treat it as that parent's spending money.

1. There is nothing wrong with hobbies, but the amount of money and time spent on them by each parent should be equal unless otherwise agreed.

1. If family money is to be spent on training / education, it seems clear that it ought to be on something that will generate income for the family.

1. If a parent has employment he or she finds fulfilling, good on them. It doesn't follow that the other parent is entitled to pursue some line of interest that is equally fulfilling regardless of remuneration. Otherwise, one parent may freeload on the other.

Frankly, pursuing an MA in creative writing doesn't exactly demonstrate a commitment to support the family finances, nor does it show any thought to what might happen if the DH becomes unable to earn in the future.

I agree with Toad. The DH here has a decent earning job which he enjoys. That's great. The fact that he enjoys it doesn't mean that it's ok for the OP to give up her past career path and spend money on something that will, at best, enable her to get a very very part time, insecure and crappily paid job. Just because she enjoys it. Aiming at a job which pays almost nothing is irresponsible, and is freeloading on the DH. It's perfectly possible to get a decent job around looking after school-age children.

You do realise that there are other models of family life than both parents working full time and earning similar amounts? It seems that only one version is considered acceptable to some posters on here. If one parent is prepared to take on more than a 50% of the household responsibilities and slightly less responsibility for earning cash, I don't see the problem. Obviously both partners need to agree with this, but why is it offensive to some of you?

I don't go around taking pot shots at working mothers and it would be nice if the courtesy was returned.

If I told my husband that I was freeloading he would think I had gone mad, so I'm with Infinity on that one too.

She's not suggesting earning slightly less money than DH. She's suggesting spending £4K on a course which may enable her to work a few hours a week earning a pittance.
And DH is not happy about it. We know that already.

He's not wrong to be unhappy, but I think he is wrong to dismiss it out of hand and not at least discuss the options with his equal partner in this marriage.

He should respect the fact that she will have more day to day responsibility towards the children, and that this may affect the work available to her, so that she is likely to earn less than him. But that doesn't mean accepting the extreme position of her earning, at best, pin money (and paying £4K upfront for the privilege), because she wants to do something that she has chosen solely because it is fun.

Unless I've missed it, OP hasn't said how much she and her DH already spend on their hobbies.

She's mentioned him buying an iPad and a laptop, but the stuff in the garage was an old hobby that he used to do.

Equally how much does OP already spend on current hobbies, things just for her etc?

OP has clearly said that she is happy with the current situation (and that DH got a pay increase with his new job, which is potentially responsible for her even being able to think of spending 4K). So all the speculation about him not being prepared to give it up and pull his weight are a bit ridiculous really.

Dunno where OP is in this thread now.

Maybe she's started her MA! (fingers crossed!)

I'm similarly shocked at the belittling of OP's ambitions and right to be treated as an equal partner on this thread.

Is it The creative writing thong that is getting peoples' backs up so,much?

Its not your money either though OP!

Unless its a highly vocational Masters e.g. teacher training, IT conversion, etc., I'm afraid I see it as a bit of a vanity or boredom project. Or you could have an internship lined up or contacts in the industry if you were that interested right now. And why do it part-time, if its distance learning?

You already have a degree. What is to stop you getting a good job through experience gained in the workplace?

And if its that cheap (4k for a Masters is quite cheap), surely you can save 2k yourself between now and 2015 by doing a small amount of part-time work spaced between your SAHM duties? Even if you only earned £65 a week between now and it starting, you would still earn enough to pay the whole £4000 in one go, without even having to work during your part-time course.

Infinity she did say he likes gadgets but not how much he spends on them. She also doesn't mention how much she spends herself on "fun" stuff.

If we are considering whether DH will change jobs and do more at home, perhaps we also ought to consider whether OP could become the sole breadwinner while DH is a SAHP? It's as equally valid.

The issue here has never been about working or not working anyway. It's about whether one person should have more say than the other when it comes to spending the family money. I'd argue that they shouldn't (and so actually would most posters on this thread it seems). But as DH and OP both want to spend money on different things, who gets to decide? Why is what OP wants more valid than what DH wants? Why is what DH wants more valid than what OP wants? EVeryone will have their personal view. The key thing is that both things are properly discussed and given consideration. Perhaps it would be fair to say that 2K could come off the mortgage and OP could pay 2K towards her MA and aim to increase the family income sufficiently to pay off the other 2K?