That it's not 'his' money!

[NameChangeAnon]

I've NC as I know a couple of MNetters in RL (though they already know my DH has his moments, especially with money related matters)

Just on the phone talking to DH and mentioned that I've found a reasonably priced masters degree, distance learning, in my interest area. It will be £4k over 2 years for part time. I'd like to start in 2015 as a goal.

I am currently a SAHM with 2DC, one YR and the other has another year before starting school. This was a choice we made, to have a SAHP until school age. We were both career changing so it could have been him, but he loved the first job he got and it's been going great for 3 years.

Every now and then he seems to have moments where 'he' is the earner and it is 'his' money. He said that he was not going to pay for my masters as it's not necessarily going towards me earning more in a job and is therefore hobby money while it's not necessarily going towards a job it might later I keep getting comments about returning to my old career (where I could get a reasonable salary from the first job) rather than being able to continue my own career change plans.

I was also, at this point, dealing with a potty training toddler, holding a wad of toilet paper in my other hand and getting DC2 to put on underwear. Is it my imagination but am I not also working and therefore entitled to a say in the family money? To be fair he wants to use the money I'm talking about to pay off the mortgage early and I agree with this goal, but I do not agree that he gets to dictate without discussion. He tried a sarcastic 'Do I get £2k a year to do my hobby?' and I said yes so he backtracked to his priority being the mortgage and how unreasonable I was to do anything else but focus on our security.

I really just need a bit of a vent. He's a good DH except he gets stupid wankerish twitchy about money and we're renovating the house at the moment and money is hemorrhaging out of our accounts although we are still perfectly on budget. Perhaps I mistimed the discussion as I knew I'd find prat-with-money-DH coming out this summer of spending.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

I too think you are being given a hard time on here.
You put 3.5k into the pot and provided childcare to enable your dh to get the career he wanted. If he had wanted to stay at home than poor hard done by primary wage earner crap spouted on here may carry some weight.
If he spends the same on his hobbies than I fail to see why you can't do the same.
Sadly my dh seems to think that because he is the earner he can have the hobbies but I can't. In my case its a gym swim memberships for me and dc which probably equates to his football season ticket. Plus sky is for his benefit too.
You could spend just as much on the gym and most people would think is ok if you factor in babysitter and or creche.

That's been exactly the analogy I've used on this thread medic, that I don't think this discussion would have gone the way it has if OP had said that she wanted to go to the gym 3 times a week, spending £38 on all associated costs.

Nor would people suggest that she earn some money as a professional athlete first, as they have re:writing.

I'd be amazed if the OP couldn't find better paid work /work with more prospects than teaching a few hours a week of FE (evening classes or whatever). That kind of work is basically a hobby in itself. She says she did some creative writing at undergraduate level anyway, so could prob use that if she really wants to teach in FE.
I don't think a man with this kind of plan would get much time from MNetters. He'd be called a cock lodger or something.

On the contrary swannery. I think a man who asked whether he should have a say in how family money is spent (which is what the OP is talking about, as she has clarified a few times) would be told that this is perfectly reasonable.

I am a parent carer and used to be a midwife.

I need a new career and I am currently doing a MA very part time.

However, i am doing the MA in what is most likely to get me a job at the end of it and considering my existing skills... Not necessary what I would like to do otherwise I would be wasting my time and money.

As for it looking good on a CV... I do a variety of volunteer roles (governor, run support groups, parent rep) - things that show commitment and a level of collaborative working in professional environments.
My MA comes after those things in terms of importance towards another job as it those that provide the ongoing experience.

I don't have a partner to discuss it with but obviously you and I have a similar level of responsibility to our respective families finances... Personally I signed up to one module at a time and deciding every module is weighed against where we are in the here and now financially. The MA is my choice, my 'thing' and it's surpass to requirements if needs be - no way would I have committed a lump sum towards what is ultimately a hobby.

I don't think a man with this kind of plan would get much time from MNetters. He'd be called a cock lodger or something.

Even if that man was doing all the child care and all the jobs that needed doing at home while the working parent was free to pursue a career that took him away from home for long periods of time? I don't think that's what a cocklodger is, is it?

I'd be amazed if the OP couldn't find better paid work /work with more prospects than teaching a few hours a week of FE (evening classes or whatever). That kind of work is basically a hobby in itself.

Last time I checked work is something you get paid for, hobbies you don't. What makes this a hobby any more than other part time work?

There isn't only one way of running a household and it wasn't so long ago that the norm was for most mothers to stay at home with the children and never work again. I know that we've moved on from this, but now it would appear that only both parents having full time careers is acceptable.

In her original post the OP said that she would be starting work again in a year, when DC2 starts school. This now turns out to be a couple of hours of teaching FE, once she's done an MA which will cost £4K. She'll be working a lifetime at that rate just to repay the MA fee. It's a joke, as far as contributing to the family finances is concerned. I think the DH is justified in expecting more help with bringing in money than that. The children will be at school, remember.

Bringing cash into a marriage is not the only way to contribute. Since when did we start valuing people purely on their earning power?

This thread is so depressing.

OP's DH has a job that means he is away for 6 months and home for 6 months, it's swings and roundabouts really. Yes, it's tough on OP when he's away, but when he is at home they have the luxury of 2 adults available, neither of whom is working. Particularly when the DC are at pre-school/ school, no one can claim that those 6 months represent a hard life.

firesidechat Bringing cash into a marriage is not the only way to contribute. Since when did we start valuing people purely on their earning power?

Totally agree.

I don't think he is being unreasonable, a MA in Creative Writing is almost certainly a waste of time that won't add anything to your employability or earning potential. To spend 4k on this would not be sensible and I don't think the OPs husband is wrong to not want to finance it.

But an MA in Creative Writing wouldn't be a 'waste of time' to the OP. It's something she's wanted to do for a long time.

What an insulting thing to say about the way someone else chooses to spend their time.

What will it add to her CV, does anyone think that a potential employer would be impressed by it really. Teaching at adult hobby/education classes is hardly going to generate another career for her and I don't think that the husband is unreasonable to not want to help the OP fund something that won't help her and could possibly be detrimental.

Why does it have to add anything to OP's CV?

Isn't OP permitted to have interests and occupations that satisfy and engage her?

How on earth could doing an MA in something that she wants to do, and can afford, be 'detrimental'?

So her dh is trying to protect OP from her 'waste of time' decisions now, is he, as well as calling the shots over money?

The OP says she wants to retrain but this course is unlikely to provide her with a job that earns a substantial income. She would be spending time and effort pursuing something that would ffer her little going intop the future. Add this to the fact that her previous job will be further into the past and so the value of any knowledge and skills could be perceived to have dwindled by a potential employer.

So two years down the line she will have a qualification that the OP admits in all likelihood fail to provide a job with a good income and the value of her previous skills and experiences will have been devalued so she will be no closer to having a new career away from the one she did previously despite having spent a considerable amount of time, money and effort.

But she could have the satisfaction of doing something she really wants to and can afford to do.

That isn't 'offering her little' going into the future.

OP's question was about having a say in how family money is spent.

You haven't addressed that.

All too often it seems to be the prerogative of the SAHP to choose to have an interesting and fulfilling occupation when DCs start school. The main breadwinner is expected to continue doing just that - earning the money which feeds, clothes and houses the family.

Haven't read the whole thread but if he is spending 2k/year on "his hobby" surely your request for the same for something that is not a hobby is very very reasonable!!

All too often it seems to be the prerogative of the SAHP to choose to have an interesting and fulfilling occupation when DCs start school. The main breadwinner is expected to continue doing just that - earning the money which feeds, clothes and houses the family.

Wow, sahm really are seen as the lowest of the low aren't they? I stayed at home until my children went to school and then took any old job to earn some money and fit in with school hours. - school dinner lady, shop assistant, working in a cafe - all very interesting and fulfilling.

I can only assume that the posters who are so obsessed with earning potential aren't massively creative and don't really get what the OP wants to do. My hobbies and previous employment are creative, my husband's hobbies are creative and my youngest is just finishing a creative degree. Looks like we wasted our time. No wait, the student has a publishing deal in the offing, so not a complete waste.

gnome, op and her dh made a joint decision that one of them will be at home until children start school. OP already does some work (the pay for which goes into family money) and plans to do more as children get older.

Meanwhile, her dh loves his career change and doesn't want to leave it to stay at home.

Why should OP not have some say about spending 38 quid a week over 2 years on something for herself? Esp as her dh's career choices mean that she's solely doing the childcare/sorting out home life for months at a time.

Wow, sahm really are seen as the lowest of the low aren't they? I stayed at home until my children went to school and then took any old job to earn some money and fit in with school hours. - school dinner lady, shop assistant, working in a cafe - all very interesting and fulfilling. hmm

But this isnt what the OP plans to do.

The difference between the OP's career plans and her DH's is that the OP expects to be free to choose an occupation which she finds fulfilling. She doesnt want to have to consider earnings potential. To do this her DH will have to keep going with his career. He enjoys it but it will have to keep going even if it pales to ensure that the household coffers are kept filled.

I think that the DH's training is a bit of a red herring. It is paid for by his employer to the point where the DH gets paid overtime for any extra time spent on it. IME employers dont pay for hobby courses. They pay for training which they perceive as a benefit to themselves.