Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That it's not 'his' money!

241 replies

NameChangeAnon · 08/05/2014 13:32

I've NC as I know a couple of MNetters in RL (though they already know my DH has his moments, especially with money related matters)

Just on the phone talking to DH and mentioned that I've found a reasonably priced masters degree, distance learning, in my interest area. It will be £4k over 2 years for part time. I'd like to start in 2015 as a goal.

I am currently a SAHM with 2DC, one YR and the other has another year before starting school. This was a choice we made, to have a SAHP until school age. We were both career changing so it could have been him, but he loved the first job he got and it's been going great for 3 years.

Every now and then he seems to have moments where 'he' is the earner and it is 'his' money. He said that he was not going to pay for my masters as it's not necessarily going towards me earning more in a job and is therefore hobby money while it's not necessarily going towards a job it might later I keep getting comments about returning to my old career (where I could get a reasonable salary from the first job) rather than being able to continue my own career change plans.

I was also, at this point, dealing with a potty training toddler, holding a wad of toilet paper in my other hand and getting DC2 to put on underwear. Is it my imagination but am I not also working and therefore entitled to a say in the family money? To be fair he wants to use the money I'm talking about to pay off the mortgage early and I agree with this goal, but I do not agree that he gets to dictate without discussion. He tried a sarcastic 'Do I get £2k a year to do my hobby?' and I said yes so he backtracked to his priority being the mortgage and how unreasonable I was to do anything else but focus on our security.

I really just need a bit of a vent. He's a good DH except he gets stupid wankerish twitchy about money and we're renovating the house at the moment and money is hemorrhaging out of our accounts although we are still perfectly on budget. Perhaps I mistimed the discussion as I knew I'd find prat-with-money-DH coming out this summer of spending.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 08/05/2014 20:15

agree prometheus a plan is just that, a PLAN. It can be adapted as situations change. Should the OP be stuck with a plan they made 5 yrs ago for the next 20 years? NO. Plans are flexible.

Pagwatch · 08/05/2014 20:16

I think you have managed quite a few sweeping generalisations of your own 22honey, like the

"but most women take great pleasure out of bringing up their children, probably why they don't want to go back to working hard afterwards and would rather do something fun."

Actually the whole point of the OP is that her DH is saying no.
So lots of people saying stuff about being spoilt or entitled suggests that wifey should just be grateful for what he decides.
Which is a crock of shite of course.

Infinity8 · 08/05/2014 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 08/05/2014 20:21

If your Dh is working offshore on a rig somewhere then he's getting good money however it's definitely not an easy life and I'm sure he works hard and doesn't enjoy the chopper trips on/off a rig given the trouble with some of the choppers.

Out of interest What is the ma you want to do?

fifi669 · 08/05/2014 20:22

DP would love to be a SAHP, which we couldn't afford for either of us, or even just have the maternity leave. I'm not sharing though.....

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 20:24

Op's dh is basically saying that she needs to earn some money - knowing full well that all she will probably get is a "pin money" fits with school hours job as he is not on hand to do his share of parenting. He would prefer this - some cash - as opposed to his presumably intelligent and motivated dw improving herself and maybe putting herself in a postition where she could have a more rewarding career a couple of years down the line. If they as a family can AFFORD it - and it sounds like they can - then why should he get the right of veto?

fifi669 · 08/05/2014 20:27

It's something not related to getting a better job. Just possibly in the future maybe be relevant.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 08/05/2014 20:28

You understand I'm relatively happy with my part of the plan? SAHP until school age and then find a role that allows me to mostly pick up primary school children and be around in holidays (teaching of some kind would be perfect).

And I wanted a career change as did he. His took off splendidly while I was on maternity leave. If it hadn't I'd have continued in my original career while he SAHP and retrained and postponed my change.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 08/05/2014 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NameChangeAnon · 08/05/2014 20:36

The MA I want to do is Creative Writing. I write all the time and my degree is 50% CW. I've only sent two things out to try to publish/ competitions but I have several short stories I should polish up that helped get me a good pass in those modules. Let me finish my final exam first.

But I'm not daft enough to think I can make lots of money from this. Some people do make lots, some people make ends meet and a lot of people fail to get anything published.

My teaching options are creative writing - but that seems saturated and the college has 4 people teaching CW. Holistic therapies - I'm qualified in a couple, and needlecrafts including some very specialised work for improvers.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 08/05/2014 20:46

Even more so I can see why your dp isn't keen.

christinarossetti · 08/05/2014 20:49

See my above post re: two issues here.

I've just supported my husband through 5 years of his MBA (funded by work) from when I was pregnant with my youngest to end of last year. I work part time and obviously have done 90% of the parenting whilst he works full time and studies.

I would be seriously hacked off if I now suggested that I wanted to study and that was stymied at the first hurdle. Depending on your financial situation, 4K over 2 years isn't that much (I appreciate it is to some, but for many families it would be doable).

It's not just about where your MA might lead (and no-one has a crystal ball) but about your, your life, your sense of fulfilment and satisfaction, and your sense of being a valued member of your partnership.

YANBU at all.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/05/2014 20:57

If you and Dh agreed that you would be a SAHM then of course you have equal say in your family finances even though he is the one earning the wage. Anything else would be as ridiculous as me telling dh that he can't eat our chocolate biscuits because I'm the one who did the Tesco order. (In truth he can't eat our chocolate biscuits because I ate them while trying to get through the day!)

The two of you need to sit down and discuss the pros and cons of you doing the masters. On the one hand - as you say - it is hard to know if it will lead to anything so it could be a very expensive waste of time and energy. On the other hand - you are going to need to do something with your evenings - how does the cost compare with, say, joining a gym and paying for a babysitter 3 evenings a week?

Is there anything else you are interested in doing that you could also discuss that is easier to get into?

One option would be to agree that you will spend the year sorting out your short stories and attempting to sell them and will only go on the masters if you manage to sell at least one. (Thus proving that this is a reasonable career for you.)

Rabbitcar · 08/05/2014 22:01

I sort of agree with some of what 22honey is saying. I loved being a SAHM for a few years, and was more than happy to give up a well paid but very stressful job to stay at home (I hadn't sacrificed anything to do so). When I had to go back to work for financial reasons, I kept looking for easier, less stressful, options, which paid a lot less. DH was not happy as he was worried about money. But he didn't pressure me at all; I eventually found a job somewhere in between the two.

Looking back, I was being quite selfish. I never considered the fact that he didn't really have the choice to be a SAHD (I'm sure I wouldn't have even entertained the idea) and he found having to be the sole breadwinner really stressful. I was too self-absorbed to realise it then. We both now work FT in quite ok paid jobs but in a less stressful environment, so are happy. I do think it's unfair to expect men to have the pressure of supporting the family alone, whilst some women (including me) just look round for an easy option etc..

I certainly am not saying that this applies to you OP, I'm just saying that I can see where 22honey etc. are coming from. But it sounds like you deserve a shot at your master's degree. Good luck.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 08/05/2014 22:08

creativewriting even better I think the arts are wonderful and think as a person who is going to further enrich your family its a wonderful thing....

22honey · 08/05/2014 22:18

Pagwatch no one said she should just be grateful for what he decides, she is wanting to go against what they both decided in the first place in case you missed it.

Pagwatch · 08/05/2014 22:19

I didn't miss it.
Did you understand it?
Would you like smaller words!

22honey · 08/05/2014 22:24

Pagwatch if it is a sweeping generalisation would you say then most women don't take great pleasure out of bringing up their kids? Then why do so many actively take the decision to leave their careers to be a SAHM (I'm not criticising the decision as have done similar!)?

And why is motherhood so greatly yearnt for by so many women if actually most women don't enjoy bringing their children up?

22honey · 08/05/2014 22:25

Yes I did understand it, I think it is you who needs smaller words as you misinterpreted and put your own spin on everything I said.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 22:30

I didn't miss it either He is off doing the manly wage earning thing. Was OP complaining that she wants him to come home and do more housework? No. She was saying that she wants to do something that interests her. Whilst working PT.

SteadyEddie · 08/05/2014 22:31

she is wanting to go against what they both decided in the first place

The OP says they were both planning career changes, her DH got to do this but she hasn't.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/05/2014 22:31

Dh would rather put the extra money towards the mortgage than let his wife spent her rather limited spare time doing something she enjoys.

Infinity8 · 08/05/2014 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LisaMed · 08/05/2014 22:43

Completely with you on it being your turn to retrain.

Completely baffled about MA in Creative Writing. Is there a lot about marketing, because that would be incredibly valuable. However, on the whole, don't you just write? There are regular writing challenges on Studio 30 and Yeah Write (though I can't work out how to use Yeah Write) and Write on Edge do some good challenges and regularly publish stuff that is a result of their challenge. I know someone who got into Precipice 13 and it wasn't one of the 'pay $$$ to enter this challenge and if you win you can contribute $$$ to the publication of the winners' but was completely free (though he makes no money from it).

Good luck with the short stories.

HoVis2001 · 08/05/2014 23:01

Creative Writing - awesome! My DH and I recently had a chat about future options for both of us, and I want to take a stab at writing for a popular market (rather than an academic one) at some point in the future. I'm supporting him, financially and emotionally, in his dream, so once it's possible in the future we both see no reason why I shouldn't have a go at aiming for mine. It sounds as if you've already supported your DH in his career change by being a SAHM, so in the crudest sense isn't it 'your turn' now?

Obviously it is a privilege to be able to try to do something that doesn't necessarily have immediate financial benefit in this climate, but it sounds as if you can afford it. And which would you benefit from more, having the mortgage paid off sooner or being more personally fulfilled? Life is too short.