That it's not 'his' money!

[NameChangeAnon]

I've NC as I know a couple of MNetters in RL (though they already know my DH has his moments, especially with money related matters)

Just on the phone talking to DH and mentioned that I've found a reasonably priced masters degree, distance learning, in my interest area. It will be £4k over 2 years for part time. I'd like to start in 2015 as a goal.

I am currently a SAHM with 2DC, one YR and the other has another year before starting school. This was a choice we made, to have a SAHP until school age. We were both career changing so it could have been him, but he loved the first job he got and it's been going great for 3 years.

Every now and then he seems to have moments where 'he' is the earner and it is 'his' money. He said that he was not going to pay for my masters as it's not necessarily going towards me earning more in a job and is therefore hobby money while it's not necessarily going towards a job it might later I keep getting comments about returning to my old career (where I could get a reasonable salary from the first job) rather than being able to continue my own career change plans.

I was also, at this point, dealing with a potty training toddler, holding a wad of toilet paper in my other hand and getting DC2 to put on underwear. Is it my imagination but am I not also working and therefore entitled to a say in the family money? To be fair he wants to use the money I'm talking about to pay off the mortgage early and I agree with this goal, but I do not agree that he gets to dictate without discussion. He tried a sarcastic 'Do I get £2k a year to do my hobby?' and I said yes so he backtracked to his priority being the mortgage and how unreasonable I was to do anything else but focus on our security.

I really just need a bit of a vent. He's a good DH except he gets stupid wankerish twitchy about money and we're renovating the house at the moment and money is hemorrhaging out of our accounts although we are still perfectly on budget. Perhaps I mistimed the discussion as I knew I'd find prat-with-money-DH coming out this summer of spending.

Also I suppose AIBU to want to do a masters with no specific work related goal at this point? It's in the field I would like to work in, but I wouldn't get a career boost for having it IYSWIM.

'Women who have children so often seem to want to give up their old career, and do something more fun when they go back to work. While the husband is expected to earn the real money. Unfair.'

yes, the idea always appears to be that the man should be god damn grateful the woman is looking after their kids and subsequently, owes her big time. Not a thought given to the fact the DH might be stressed out and overworked to hell whilst having to fund not only himself but 3 other people, not saying being a SAHM is a piece of piss but most women take great pleasure out of bringing up their children, probably why they don't want to go back to working hard afterwards and would rather do something fun.

ThinkI'veBeenHacked If you count the uplift on the cost of a mobile to a top of the range iThing and his need to collect every kind of screwdriver (and other tool) under the sun you'd not have much change. He buys a lot in one go and sometimes because it was a thing-of-loveliness even though he didn't necessarily need it it's a screwdriver love, chill. Yes I did see it has a built in torch and you can load a dozen ends that'll click into place. You know you'll only use three of them don't you?

Usually we make choices to arrange that we can buy a bit of what we want, and shrug it off if we have to economise somewhere else.

HerRoyal He does need to sell some of the more specialist stuff as he acknowledges he'll never do that level again, but not the basic equipment as there's a chance he'll be able to do it.

The argument is always an incorrect one aswell that makes out the DH is having the time of his life at work everyday, and that the SAHM is making more of a sacrifice than he is. This is not necessarily true aswell and yes HerRoyal, spoilt as in an entitlement complex. Education is good yes but I would not be keen on funding my partner to do 2 years of hobby like study that wont even lead to a wage increase/better career after. Its the entitlement in the post that suggests because a woman has been looking after her own children (bloody hell, what a saint!) she deserves to never contribute to the family finances again and live some sort of born free student like existence off the back of her DH working his arse off everyday.

I see his point and I also see yours.

He knows that additional income if you can earn it would be most useful. You want to do your Masters degree in the hope that it will lead you to a better earnings potential, though that is far from guaranteed.

I am in the same position as you and Joysmum in that I am trying to get back into the job market again after an absence of many years bringing up my children. It is bloody hard, and I am also finding that age is now against me in many cases.

I have got very near on one or two occasions, but still so far. It gets a bit disillusioning at times, but I just have to keep going.

DH funded my masters. Of choose I didn't get a part time job, very few of those pay enough to make it worth using childcare (for that year I was studying, with ds our sleeping). But we see investment in each others development as valuable, more so than gadgets.

This goes double if time put of work/childcare responsibilities means a woman's career is damaged. Plus it makes sense to do an additional qualification before starting another phase of a career

Chunderella the reasons would be 2DC, one YR and one with another year before YR. As DH works away I'll need to do all the school runs and drop off to clubs. The classes I want to run are leisure ones, so adults in the daytime mostly and the odd Saturday when DH is around. The college seems to run most of their other leisure courses from 10-12 which suits me perfectly.

Chunderella, school hours has been one of my main sticking points in getting back into employment.

I don't have family near who could have looked after my children when they were young. I had to be around in the school holidays and in the evenings.

Ideally then, I needed a job which would have allowed me to work something like 10.00 am - 2.00 pm during term time only, and those are like gold dust. Since the youngest of my three reached secondary school age, the shackles have come off me and it is easier to spot stuff I could manage. Easy to say though, as the timing meant I was looking to start work in the recession, and around here virtually nothing at all came up. Week in, week out for months at a time. It is improving now though.

Jobs are allowed to be fun and pay a wage.

Oh what a steaming pile of horse shit.
Ask most working DPs if they would like to take 5 years out of their careers to have fun at home with the children. Bwahahahaha. Watch most of them stick pins in their eyes instead.

If decisions are made equally then families should do what suits them and what the budget allows.
But a working DP is not daddy giving his 'spoilt' wife pin money.

Financial decisions are joint.

Can you charge him half the cost of childcare and pay for the masters out of those earnings?

Mine are now all old enough not to need wraparound childcare. There were and still are one or two such options around here, but all pretty expensive, especially during the school holidays.

From my current point of view, it would be nice to have a bit more financial freedom. I'm open to all types of work, though my background is in office and administrative work. I would definitely enjoy the stimulation of it.

sorry nrt BUT i think its very mean,£4 K on mortgage is nothing!!

what value will that give you when you are enriching yourself and your life with your masters?

Keeping your brain ticking over and who knows might lead to something...

I think its a case of :price of everything value of nothing.

Its mean and selfish.

We use after school childcare but it still reduces the jobs we can take. It only goes up to 6 pm and there is no buffer for being late. I coudn't take a job that finished at 5.30 in the centre, or other side of town, I have to be careful if it's only a few miles away. It doesn't take much for the traffic to come to a standstill.

From his point of view, YABU. You agreed to be a SAHP until school age when the deal was you would them share the financial burden. He works away a lot to provide so understandably doesnt want to shell out £4k for you to study for something that wont lead to a better job on top of you still not earning for more years.

If you want to study for fun, then you need to earn a wage that covers it whilst also bearing some of the financial burden.

I do agree with the others who say men get the raw deal. They get no choice but to work and i would imagine plenty would like a few years home and then just to do a few hours a day. Then, from posts on MN, they should come home and clean as the SAHM is tired from looking after her own children.

agree Pagwatch. with all posts.

Its so sad that women and marriages and partnerships are being degraded to the one who is getting paid work!

Thank you Pagwatch.

There is no way on earth that my husband would swop his working day with mine.

What Pagwatch said.

The poor menz and their careers and their paychecks and their travelling all over. Fucking diddems.

no choice but to work really? They could equally be the SAHP. DH and I earn similar amts. Sure, his career is going ahead better than mine, but I can support the family on what I earn.

But no, he LOVES his job, his meetings, his OT, overseas business trips, golf games with client (rare tbf), nights out with workmates. He does the morning drop off, I do the pickup, then dinner/homework, bath once a week, and he'll do storytime. I dared suggest he had to take the DC to swimming lesson next week as I have a monthly meeting that will stop me being able to do it. He sighed and huffed. Goodness, these men have it so good! Why not a little payback for the DW who support their careers, organise the children and home and then still will work etc.... Especially as the OPs DH works away half the year. It really is on her head, why shouldn't she do something for herself because she WANTS to.

'Oh what a steaming pile of horse shit.
Ask most working DPs if they would like to take 5 years out of their careers to have fun at home with the children. Bwahahahaha. Watch most of them stick pins in their eyes instead.'

Massive sweeping generalisation but still, it makes me wonder the kind of DP these women are choosing to have children with, someone so uninterested in even their own kids cant have come across as very good father material (maybe they are great wallet/cash machine material though eh). Why would such a person even bother having kids, maybe to keep the other partner happy?

No one is saying it's 'his' money, merely that the idea the working DP is having the time of their lives while the SAHP is practically a slave is really old and tired and incorrect to boot.

I think you need to change your "agreed parenting plan" to be honest. That way you will be both be able to work as many hours as you want.

Porto, cos every working dad travels all over and has the time of their lives at work everyday. So many posters on here are ridiculously middle class and out of touch!

at Pagwatch. When I said to DH 'fine you stay with the kids. I will go back to old career, fulltime plus on-calls, shifts all hours and earn a comparative salary' he backed down pretty fast (this was ages ago so he's constant in his mild nagging).

There is wrap around until 6pm but my old career would have a 40 min drive each way to the nearest hospital. And you cannot be late to pick them up. Also it would cost £8 an hour, and while I would split that with Dh's salary it's still a significant amount to payout, while I'll be driving for an hour of it.