Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to fly, it scares me and wish DH would stop trying.

149 replies

ICanSeeTheSun · 07/05/2014 20:58

I am sorry to post this here, but is DH right.

I have never been on a plane, don't wish to. The thought of it sends my heart into palpations.

I wish DH would just drop the subject of going abroad on holiday.

The uk have thousands of beautiful places, what is so special about abroad.

OP posts:
PeachandRaspberry · 07/05/2014 21:34

Why not build it up slowly? Go to the airport, have a coffee. When you've done that, book a flight to London or the nearest close city. And definitely go to the doctor's for something to calm you down.

It will be worth it.

Hassled · 07/05/2014 21:37

There was a programme a few years ago about flight-phobic people - can anyone remember what it was called? It really, really helped me - silly little things like I used to panic because I thought the doors were too flimsy and closed too easily (i.e. weren't properly shut) - and the programme showed the multiple internal bolts and quite how strong the doors were.

I think the more you research and the more you understand, the easier it gets. I sympathise a lot - I hate flying, but I can do it - and it's so worth it. The sights I've seen, the food I've eaten, the people I've met - it really is worth trying.

chibi · 07/05/2014 21:37

meh.

flying is bullshit. i would never do it if i could help it, but that would mean never seeing my parents ever again so...

if all my family lived here, there's no way I'd fly. i dont see why this is something to get over- you don't want to fly. so don't!

it is worth getting over if you must fly. in your case this is like forcing someone to learn to love football. plenty of people already do, but if you don't, who gives a toss, you can still have a rewarding life.

Flossiechops · 07/05/2014 21:39

Op I can completely and utterly sympathise with you. I don't think that you are being selfish at all. I also have a terrible fear of flying. Unlike you though I used to fly happily until a few years ago when the phobia took hold, no rhyme or reason just came out of the blue. I have tried Diazepam and I also paid a lot of money to do the Virgin Atlantic fear of flying course. That was 2 years ago and I haven't been on a plane since. To be honest any enjoyment that I could get out of a holiday is completely overpowered by the terror of boarding a plane.

I don't want to be like this. Last year we travelled to France by car/ferry and it was fab. We are off on a Mediterranean cruise soon as well. What about considering doing the course? As a first time flier it may be just what you need. Diazepam is also great and helped me a lot. I may try hypnotherapy in the future. Luckily dh is understanding at the minute plus we are pretty skint so holidays aren't a priority.

RevoltingPeasant · 07/05/2014 21:40

OP I do not think you are selfish either. Agree with whoever said you are scared, which is different!

I am 100% fine with planes but very scared of cows. No biggie, you might think, but we do a lot of walking and DH really resents having to plan walks around not going through farmland or fields. He is constantly telling me about how we miss out on amazing views and holiday opportunities because we can't go anywhere there might be cows.

You could say that attitude is the selfish one as in both cases, the DH wants the wife to do something which makes her very uncomfortable so he can have a better vacation!

But if you can get therapy it would be a good compromise.

UncleT · 07/05/2014 21:40

My gut reaction is that YABU, not least because of your 'what's so great about abroad' comment - travelling is insanely interesting and educational.

The counter argument to that though is that you say it's flying and not travel that's the problem, and also what I can't help thinking of is that your DH must have known your feelings on this since forever (before marrying you?).

I sympathise - phobias suck. They can be overcome though, I have close family that did it after many decades.

chibi · 07/05/2014 21:40

bonkers thread. if people don't want to fly, and don't need to fly, there is nothing to get over

43percentburnt · 07/05/2014 21:41

Hello I can I too was very scared of flying. I sobbed on one flight for 40 minutes! I was hypnotised, its not like on the tv, its great, it worked. I did a 10 hour flight after 2 sessions and I looked out of the window happily, ate food, walked around, went to the loo, watched a film etc. I have even flown alone, will possibly need a top up hypnotherapy session this year! It cost about 130 for 2 sessions, well worth it! It was recommended to me by a friend who had had it for the same reason. They managed to trace the root cause of his phobia and he hasn't had any top Ups. Mine appeared too ingrained to solve with just two sessions.

Good luck!

DrizzlyTuesday · 07/05/2014 21:44

I don't think you're the one being unreasonable. Being afraid of flying is completely understandable. If you're going to undertake treatment do it for YOUR own dream not your husbands.

Costacoffeeplease · 07/05/2014 21:45

I went through a period of being a nervous flyer, fine before and fine since but while I was going through it my DH just ignored it and continued to book several trips away each year, long and short haul, eventually I just got on with it

I last got on a plane in 2007 however, as I am now disabled and it is extremely unlikely that I will be able to fly again, which is quite difficult for me, and especially my DH to deal with. At one point I would have been very happy to be in this position, now I'm here, not so much

summerbreezer · 07/05/2014 21:46

Chibi, it is not about not wanting to, it is about being too scared to.

The OP isn't saying that she doesn't want to travel, in fact she said that it was her dream to go to the States.

So there is something to get over.

I think we often characterise our fears as choices so as not to admit to ourselves that we are scared.

Flossiechops · 07/05/2014 21:46

I don't think it's bonkers at all op, you have my every sympathy.

MyrtleDove · 07/05/2014 21:49

I don't think people who are calling the OP selfish understand what genuine phobias are like. It's not just a dislike of something but a form of anxiety disorder - they are effectively mental illnesses.

WhoDaresWins · 07/05/2014 21:51

chibi she should try a course or something for the sake of her husband. Marriage being about compromise and all that jazz. If it works, brilliant. If it doesn't, she, and more importantly her DH, know she tried to do something about it.

summerbreezer · 07/05/2014 21:51

I don't think anyone has called her selfish for having a phobia.

A few people have said that not seeking treatment would be selfish.

lessonsintightropes · 07/05/2014 21:58

Myrtle no-one has called the OP selfish, she has referred to herself as that, which pretty much everyone has agreed is daft. However I think a number of people, me included, have said it's unreasonable not to try some of the methods of getting over fear of flying, when she's said that she'd love to travel to the US.

chibi · 07/05/2014 21:59

if i knew my husband was terrified to the point of panic attacks, my idea of a compromise would not be making him have therapy/hypnosis/whatever so that i could get what i want.

Hmm

if you have had a phobia, you will know that it isn't something you put on for funsies, or to be a killjoy. or because you are selfish.

ffs

chibi · 07/05/2014 22:01

she may want to travel, but travel does not have to be via plane.

flying is not a necessary par of life. if you can't bring yourself to do it,it's ok.

summerbreezer · 07/05/2014 22:02

Perhaps you should read the thread before posting chibi.

Anyway, OP, I wish you luck in conquering this and you get to fly to the US one day soon!

StripeyFool · 07/05/2014 22:05

FWIW I don't think you abu my husband hates flying and I'm not bothered. We used to go abroad but it wasn't a relaxing experience for him, so now we don't go anywhere by plane. it's not stopped us going abroad. Limits where we go but it's not the end of the world.

subtleplansarehereagain · 07/05/2014 22:07

YANBU, OP.

I hate flying. I'm not phobic, I just hate it. I am happy never to go to the USA or anywhere else that requires longhaul. The UK is brilliant and I will never get bored travelling in my own country.

Do you know what you don't like about the idea of flying?

Original poster
ICanSeeTheSun · 07/05/2014 22:10

I really don't know

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2014 22:10

Op - I found the book - Allan carr, the easy way to enjoy flying - brilliant in addressing my fear of it.

subtleplansarehereagain · 07/05/2014 22:13

I hate all the hanging around, the being cooped up with other people, and the discomfort - I have long legs and don't fit in a seat very well.

I wondered, reading that you enjoy fairground rides, whether it might be an issue with not being in control?

Other people have already said this, but if you decide to try and deal with your feelings, it needs to be for you, not for your OH.

Me, I'm quite happy to never fly again. No big loss. But it's just me, no-one else is impacted by my choice.

manicinsomniac · 07/05/2014 22:13

I can totally totally understand how you feel. I am terrified of flying. I have nightmares about fiery crashes for weeks beforehand and the return flight is at the back of my mind every time I'm away.

But I decided a long time ago that I just couldn't let the fear ground me in the UK when there is so much of the world to see. I used to take copious amounts of valium combined with plenty of alcohol Grin but have obviously had to cut down on that since flying with my children (am a single parent). However, having the children with me helps massively. I am automatically calmer because I have to hold it together for their sake. You may well find the same if you give it a go (kind of like the wasp in the classroom scenario - a wasp anywhere in my vicinity at home and I'll run screaming but throw a class full of children into the mix and I am the sensible ice queen) I've even flown with school trips now and not had an external meltdown (watch the whites of the eyes for internal ones!)

On one of my first flights I had to change in Paris. I had no idea how short the flight was. I was so frightened at take off that I was crying and the lovely flight attendant held my hand! As we started landing I gaped at her and said 'that was so fast. Why does anyone bother flying to Paris?' She wrinkled her nose in confusion and replied 'um, because it's so fast?' Blush

I would still make a very long and inconvenient journey in any other mode of transport before I'd take a plane. Necessary flights only.