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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want an engagement party, hen night or wedding breakfast?

115 replies

PenelopeKeeling · 06/05/2014 20:48

I have recently got engaged and am getting married this summer. This is a bit of a surprise to everyone as I had always said I didn't want to get married! I am very much an introvert and hate being the centre of attention. All my friends know this. I never even have birthday parties, just go to a nice restaurant with my partner to celebrate.

But since I got engaged I have had constant questions: when is the engagement party, we must organise you a hen night (I am not allowed to not have one, apparently). Also a total disbelief from some that the whole wedding celebration will only last an afternoon including lengthy nuptial mass and then some champagne afterwards. Have also received some criticism for getting married in the city I live in, in my (not especially picturesque) parish church rather than in the country where my parents live. Tbh I find it a bit hurtful when it comes from good friends.

I don't want a load of extra parties. I hate being the centre of attention, and also I don't have a lot of money and often work long hours so don't have much time. AIBU to be a bit disappointed that my friends don't get this and are pushing for more? I'm just happy to be getting married. But perhaps I am being a bit unfair to people and should make more 'effort' in order to give them what they want?! If I am not being unfair, how can I gently tell people that my plans are final?

(My fiance is of the same mind as I am, btw)

OP posts:

TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 06/05/2014 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FunkyBoldRibena · 06/05/2014 20:50

Don't have them then.

You are the boss of you - nobody else.

Backtobedlam · 06/05/2014 20:55

It's your wedding, do exactly as you please. Maybe friends are trying to show how happy they are for you by talking about plans. Stick with what you want to do though.

Dolly80 · 06/05/2014 20:58

Your wedding should be what you and your partner want, no one else. My partner would die of embarrassment if we had a traditional first dance, so when we get married we won't have one. In my opinion, why would I make him do something he'd dislike. We want to get married in a registry office and maybe have a party in a pub afterwards. Not everyone's cup of tea but that's our choice.

JewelFairies · 06/05/2014 20:59

It's your wedding. We had no hen night, no stag do, no engagement party, no wedding breakfast. We had a small wedding with 11 or something guests which were only close family. Then we had coffee, cake and sparkly wine in a holiday flat where my family were staying, followed in the eventing by a lovely meal in a local restaurant. We had a fantastic day.
And no, you do NOT have to make any effort to make your friends feel good. This is your day. If they don't shut up, tell them you will only have close family present...

Kafri · 06/05/2014 21:00

Your wedding, your rules. The only people who need be consulted are the brine and groom, as long as you're both happy then go with it.

Tmrgl · 06/05/2014 21:01

YADNBU sounds lovely to me.

Hassled · 06/05/2014 21:01

You're not being unfair at all. I had none of those things - I couldn't have stood the centre-of-attention-ness either. Stick to your guns.

mum11970 · 06/05/2014 21:02

I had no engagement party, no hen party and got married at gretna green with a couple of friends and close family. Just do as you wish and refuse to be bullied into any more than you want.

crazydashboard · 06/05/2014 21:02

I agree, please do what makes you happy! I quickly felt after I got engaged that my wedding would be for everyone else but me and my dh. I enjoyed parts of my wedding but felt the whole time that I needed to please others and check they were ok! I did manage to get away without a hen do though as it really isn't my thing, like you. Stick to your guns!

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 21:04

Stick to your guns!!! None of their business. Repeat and repeat, 'We are eloping. This is what we want.'

frankiedoodledandy · 06/05/2014 21:05

Yes I completely agree. It's your day and you have to be happy! Be selfish and do what you enjoy, don't out yourself in any situation you feel uncomfortable in, its supposed to be a day for you to enjoy and celebrate in your own way xx

Burren · 06/05/2014 21:06

None of these things are compulsory. Please give yourself permission not to do them. We didn't have any of them - neither did we have guests, special clothes, flowers, invitations, rings, cars, music. We showed up in jeans and went for tapas afterwards with our witnesses, and it was lovely.

Yes, some of my DH's family reportedly had mutterings about us having owed them a 'big day out', but frankly, while I can be a complete diva about attention, I had neither the time nor inclination to devote to planning a wedding involving favours, bridesmaids, dress codes, flower arrangements etc.

Obviously, if that floats your boat, great, but I am always genuinely horrified at how many people feel coerced by a combination of social expectation, family pressure and the wedding industry into having weddings they don't want.

Tell your friends that this is you making an 'effort', and that, left to your own devices, you wouldn't even have guests.

WearYourPinkGloveBabe · 06/05/2014 21:08

I get that you should have the day that you want, but I think you do need to feed people, as it's likely part of your celebration will fall over a meal time and people will possibly have spent time traveling to the venue.

Even if it's a nice little buffet and cake, I think that's the generous thing to do.

specialsubject · 06/05/2014 21:10

if you don't want to be the centre of attention, is the nuptial mass and the champagne reception really the way forward? Why not the 10 minute registry office job?

I agree that you need to feed your guests. But all the other nonsense your 'friends' want can safely be dispensed with.

tell them to belt up about it if they want to continue being friends with you, as they are getting boring.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 21:11

A glass of bubbly and a slice of cake is feeding them.

You don't need to do anything.

Don't buy into this whole wedding industry bullshit if it's not for you.

Mass, short reception after with cake, a glass of champers or non-alcoholic punch, job done.

They don't like it, they don't have to come.

I wouldn't have even bothered with that, just us, the vicar, witnesses and close family.

elliejjtiny · 06/05/2014 21:12

YANBU about the hen night or the engagement party. You do need to feed people though but it doesn't have to be a formal "wedding breakfast"

DocDaneeka · 06/05/2014 21:16

Now I'm an extrovert, I love being the center of attention in certain circumstances but I detest formal occasions with a passion. So I had no hen do, no formalities, no wedding breakfast, no dres code. Just a simple wedding and a meal at a nice gastropub afterwards.

Do it your way OP. You owe no one a party. When it's their wedding they can do what they want.

I fobbed hen do off by promising one after the wedding, due to lack of time/ funds/ similar bullshit. Then just didn't bother. They got th hint bless em. :)

hedwig2001 · 06/05/2014 21:19

We had no engagement party. My Hen night, was myself and bridesmaids having a quiet evening in a lovely Italian restaurant.
The reception was a sit down meal, for a few friends and family. No evening do.
Do what makes you both happy and comfortable.

Helpys · 06/05/2014 21:21

No engagement party, hen night fine.
But it's a bit rude to invite people then not feed them.

MaryWestmacott · 06/05/2014 21:23

I agree that you should have the day you want, but remember you are also a host to your guests, so feed them, particularly if they've had to travel. It doesn't have to be a big formal affair with speeches, but I would think that a meal of some sort is a must.

that said, I think you are completely right to have a wedding in a church that you are part of, rather than a church that looks pretty but you don't go to!

Re the hen do, you are perfectly entitled not to have one, but it does sound like your friends feel you should have one, so there's a good chance you'll get surprised with one whether you like it or not. In that case, it might be a much better idea to do something that's more your taste than find yourself in a city centre, wearing 'L' plates, being handed shot after shot or other such "fun". Heading that off with something more you - eg. afternoon tea at your house for both mothers, bridesmaid (if you are having one?) and a couple of close friends, but calling it your 'hen do'. Or going to a show and dinner? something really civilised and not really "you" focussed, but so you can say you've done a 'hen do' to stop other people taking over and arranging something for you...

thatstoast · 06/05/2014 21:24

How many people are you inviting/expecting to attend?

To be totally honest if I was invited to a 'lengthy nuptial mass' with no food afterwards you'd have to be my bestest best friend for me to attend. Unless you serve the champagne before the service, that could maybe help me get through it. [big grin]

Original poster

PenelopeKeeling · 06/05/2014 21:31

There will be sandwiches and things like that with the champagne so that people don't get hungry (or too pissed). Sorry, forgot to say that in the first place. Nuptial mass is essential - we're Catholic. I would prefer to have it very small at low mass but my fiance wants the full shindig and it's his wedding too so I'm fine with it because it'll make him happy.

I thought people would be happy because it will be easy to attend and not too expensive, no presents, children welcome etc.

Doc maybe I'll copy you and fob people off a bit. Better than trying to justify myself.

OP posts:

BonjourMinou · 06/05/2014 21:33

YANBU, have the wedding you want. Your wedding, your day. They can do it their own way when they get married.

SignoraStronza · 06/05/2014 21:33

I felt the same as you op. I just wanted to be married and thought about eloping, although we compromised and had a little bit of a 'do'. Dh didn't have a stag night and I couldn't be arsed with a hen do. We got hitched late in the day in a small hotel with 20 dinner guests around one big table. No band/disco either. We retired to the bar afterwards and the whole weekend was treated as a bit of a family reunion on dh's side, which was lovely. It was also in a bit of a tourist spot, so people came for more than just the wedding.

Sine friends of ours popped over last week and let slip they'd got hitched. They'd gone off and done it quietly. Nice dress, lovely location, two guests. Brides parents wouldn't be in the same room as each other and so she felt this was the best way of doing it. Groom's parents weren't upset - their own marriage was each others' #3 so think they realise the important thing is the marriage rather than the wedding!
Just do your own thing. People will still be pleased for you. We cracked open an impromtu bottle of fizzy with them and demanded to see the photos/hear all about it.

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