To not want an engagement party, hen night or wedding breakfast?

[PenelopeKeeling]

I have recently got engaged and am getting married this summer. This is a bit of a surprise to everyone as I had always said I didn't want to get married! I am very much an introvert and hate being the centre of attention. All my friends know this. I never even have birthday parties, just go to a nice restaurant with my partner to celebrate.

But since I got engaged I have had constant questions: when is the engagement party, we must organise you a hen night (I am not allowed to not have one, apparently). Also a total disbelief from some that the whole wedding celebration will only last an afternoon including lengthy nuptial mass and then some champagne afterwards. Have also received some criticism for getting married in the city I live in, in my (not especially picturesque) parish church rather than in the country where my parents live. Tbh I find it a bit hurtful when it comes from good friends.

I don't want a load of extra parties. I hate being the centre of attention, and also I don't have a lot of money and often work long hours so don't have much time. AIBU to be a bit disappointed that my friends don't get this and are pushing for more? I'm just happy to be getting married. But perhaps I am being a bit unfair to people and should make more 'effort' in order to give them what they want?! If I am not being unfair, how can I gently tell people that my plans are final?

(My fiance is of the same mind as I am, btw)

Yes, toast, I know nuptial mass is not everyone's idea of fun! But there will be booze and food. (Sorry again for forgetting to mention food!)

We are actually inviting quite a lot of people because we have big families and various friendship groups. It seemed that we could either do immediate family only or it had to be fairly sizeable otherwise people would feel left out. A sit-down meal would turn out very expensive, so I'm hoping sandwiches/canapes will be enough (it should work out that everyone has a lunchtime-sized amount of food but buffet-style).

Sounds perfect. We've been invited to a similar wedding and I'm looking forward to it more than any wedding I have for ages! And no engagement party/hen do is even better! (Although I'm pregnant and grumpy)

Marriage service, then champagne toast and a hog roast in a pub garden (people will have travelled so something to eat is a generous gesture).

Handing out disposable cameras to everyone is a fun way to capture the day's memories (and save £500 on a wedding photographer!) and make people feel involved I'd guess.

All the rest of it is a completely unneccessary expense :)

Your plan sounds exactly like weddings used to be when I was growing up. In fact it was not unusual for people to bring dishes to contribute to the buffet.

Enjoyable, relaxing, welcoming - no huge fuss that take endless MN threads to sort out - child-free, abroad, not in school hols, hotel, mega-hen, blah blah blah!

I had no hen night, no engagement party, just us and about 40 immediate family and close friends for a short ceremony, we did have the traditional meal and speeches afterwards but then carried on into the evening as a relaxed party (no disco, no first dance, just background music, drinking, chatting, more food, playing pool and giant jenga etc).

If I'd had my way it would have been even more low key, but my mum wanted to invite all the aunts, uncles and cousins, which would have meant about 200 people, so it was a good compromise.

I'm like DocD - I'm in no way an introvert but when I got married I knew I wouldn't have a hen do - I just didn't want one. One person said to me in horror 'but you HAVE to have a hen do' and to this day I don't even know what she meant. It turned out I really didn't have to. Anyway, it's a relatively new tradition - in fact, all of these traditions are not very old. Please don't feel the pressure. Instead, relish the fact that you're not a sheep. We technically had the money to have a big do, but we just wanted to marry one another. As someone above said (expat, I think) - it's just a big industry that gets its way by making you feel insecure and that you have to do things a certain way. You don't.

If you're not going to feed people (or only give them a bit of cake) please do make it clear so your guests can have a sandwich or something in the car on the way.

I think it's a bit tight not to feed people at a wedding.

Oh I missed your update, there will be good AND booze. Right ho, everything sounds ace then :-)

I felt the same way you do. I didn't tell anyone at work when we were getting married because when they found out that my DH had proposed people started singing 'here comes the bride' and I was mortified.

My advice would be to organise a quick and very low key wedding. Basically don't tell anyone. Then get married and have some kind of a 'do' that you are happy you could cope with. For us that was a meal with about twenty people.

The best part of being a bride who wants a low key wedding is that the big build up to THE BIG DAY isn't so ridiculous and the lovely feeling of being 'just married' is amazing!!!

Do what you want and don't include ANYONE in your arrangements until you are both certain about what you want.

The only thing I would add is that part of what I enjoyed most is how happy my parents were about our wedding. I wouldn't change what happened because of how they felt about it all.

Do what you both want, it is your wedding.

Bit surprised that your friends dont know you better though.

rabbitrisen, well that is the bit I find quite annoying actually. I am honestly such a grumpy old woman about stuff like this. They know what I'm like, but it seems as soon as you say the word 'wedding' people just go onto autopilot and expect xyz without thinking about what they know about you.

rabbitrisen, well that is the bit I find quite annoying actually. I am honestly such a grumpy old woman about stuff like this. They know what I'm like, but it seems as soon as you say the word 'wedding' people just go onto autopilot and expect xyz without thinking about what they know about you.

Do what you want it's you wedding, when your friends get married they can do it their way.

Having said that, will the guests be travelling far? If it was me I don't think I'd be too happy after travelling a long way and sitting through a long mass if there was only a few sarnies, a glass of fizz and then early doors. If they're coming far it might be nicer to make a day of it for them.

Stick to your guns, make it your day. I'm planning ours currently & I'm not having anything formal. It's not me or my OH so why do it? He's been married before & his first was a stuffy affair which he said he couldn't relax so he doesn't want that again, which is fine by me. Don't feel bad or railroaded into doing something you don't want to do - if they're not happy, tuff. It's not their day! I also attended a wedding of 1 of 6 guests where we paid for our own food, I was honoured to be a part of their day!

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I think it's really lovely that you want to do it like this. Not that it's any of my bussiness at all, it's your wedding it's entirely up to you both. I just like the fact that to you the getting married is the important part, not the wedding itself which is how it ought to be I think.

Please, please, please do it the way you both want. It is YOUR wedding. All these other people can do what they want for their weddings. DW and I are going to get married again (changing our civil partnership into a marriage probably next year) and we've decided that this time it will be us two, our Dd and 2 friends. Ceremony, lovely lunch.....then that is it. We did the huge big thing last time and it was great but this time we just want it to be tiny.

Congratulations to you both. x

I think the problem is that they cant imagine getting married without all the fuss, and to be fair the wedding industry helps reinforce that view, so they cant imagine that anyone would actively choose to not have a hen do, etc.

And let them organise a hen do if they want just make it clear that you wont be there!

Don't do disposable cameras - if you want people's photos set up an online photo account and ask for uploads.

Went to a lovely wedding in a registry office then a pub function room -champagne and a few sandwiches plus an enormous box of chocs which was a lovely touch. Anyone wanting to make a night of it - the pub was next door!

YANBU - don't change what you want because your friends think you should be doing the whole big wedding thing.

I wouldn't take it to heart too much, maybe they are just worried that you're missing out. So perhaps you need to politely but firmly tell them that this is definitely how you and your OH want your wedding to be and its not changing!

Could you meet them halfway with the hen do and just go out for a pre-wedding meal together? But if you don't want to do that either, that's fine. Stick to what you want OP

Your wedding. Your day. You get to decide how it goes.

Congrats and enjoy your day! :)

Sounds like a nice traditional wedding to me, and I don't really see the need for anything else. If you have bridesmaids it might be nice to have tea together the evening before or something relatively low key but acknowledging their support. Also it might help to head off the hen's night being sprung on you scenario, as you can say what you are doing, so that peopel think less about what you are not doing.

But entirely up to you and your soon to be dh, and nothing wrong with a more old fashioned low key family orientated event. I expect it will be lovely.

You need to get bridezilla on them

I didn't have an engagement party, my 'hen' party was a spur of the moment dinner with work colleagues in a greek restaurant and although we had a wedding meal we didn't have an evening do, both me and DH hate dancing and saw no reason why we should put ourselves through something we didn't like when it was supposed to be our day.
My niece is getting married soon and she's not having an evening do for the same reason. Her hen party is a low key picnic with her close friends, absolutely no silly games or dressing up.

YADNBU
Shame that your friends can not respect your wishes, it really is.

Just one thing, you say champagne and sandwiches. Personally, I don't think that works. I went to a wedding similar to yours. I loved it. I loved that it was all about the vows. However, afterwards they offered more than sandwiches, they offered some warm food and delicious little sweet options, but it wasn't a sit down meal, and was over by the end of the afternoon.
People will be hungry, people will have travelled. If I were you I would make the after bit a little more than a sandwich pit stop. Plus, champagne and sandwiches don't really go!
Congratulations and enjoy.

Sounds a great idea to me! Enjoy it the way you want it.