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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an engagement party, hen night or wedding breakfast?

115 replies

PenelopeKeeling · 06/05/2014 20:48

I have recently got engaged and am getting married this summer. This is a bit of a surprise to everyone as I had always said I didn't want to get married! I am very much an introvert and hate being the centre of attention. All my friends know this. I never even have birthday parties, just go to a nice restaurant with my partner to celebrate.

But since I got engaged I have had constant questions: when is the engagement party, we must organise you a hen night (I am not allowed to not have one, apparently). Also a total disbelief from some that the whole wedding celebration will only last an afternoon including lengthy nuptial mass and then some champagne afterwards. Have also received some criticism for getting married in the city I live in, in my (not especially picturesque) parish church rather than in the country where my parents live. Tbh I find it a bit hurtful when it comes from good friends.

I don't want a load of extra parties. I hate being the centre of attention, and also I don't have a lot of money and often work long hours so don't have much time. AIBU to be a bit disappointed that my friends don't get this and are pushing for more? I'm just happy to be getting married. But perhaps I am being a bit unfair to people and should make more 'effort' in order to give them what they want?! If I am not being unfair, how can I gently tell people that my plans are final?

(My fiance is of the same mind as I am, btw)

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 07/05/2014 07:06

Call it "afternoon tea with champagne" for afterwards, seems more chic.

It's also worth remembering, in large families and groups of friends spread out, weddings are not just about the happy couple getting married, they are community events too, one of the few occasions when everyone gets together and catches up. It could be it's like you're denying them that.

Call it afternoon

MaryWestmacott · 07/05/2014 07:08

...call it afternoon tea and make it clear while it won't be like a formal wedding, there will be some sort of 'do' afterwards.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 07/05/2014 07:14

YAnBU I am the same.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 07/05/2014 07:16

"when everyone gets together and catches up. It could be it's like you're denying them that. "

If OP puts something like "carriages at 5pm" or whenever she wants to finish, there's nothing to stop family members arranging something else for afterwards.

meditrina · 07/05/2014 07:26

Your plans sound fine.

It shows how engrained the wedding "industry" has become and actually how very narrowed the idea of a wedding has become.

I hope you can fend off those who have a more limited view of weddings. It's fair enough they ask about plans, and you probably will show your ideas (whether fostered by those selling products or not) when doing so, but they really shouldn't bang on about their views or try to impose them on your wedding.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 07/05/2014 07:42

I think they mean well but it's a reflection of the whole 'it's the one day in your life about you' culture that has developed where seemingly sane people think it is fine to plan events that will cost others their family holiday budget for the year. They are probably worried you will have regrets.

Stick to your guns, fudge the issue a bit if needs be. Your plans sound lovely and I would enjoy going to that very much.

Eliza22 · 07/05/2014 08:05

You can do whatever pleases you and your husband (to-be). I would loathe being "the star turn" and had no engagement party/hen night/wedding breakfast. It simply wasn't "for me". Saved a small fortune, too!

SquidgyMaltLoaf · 07/05/2014 08:13

Do whatever you like! Some people put the party above the getting married but you clearly have your priorities straight Smile Have a lovely day.

poocatcherchampion · 07/05/2014 08:27

of course you don't have to feed people!!

it's lovely that you are but not compulsory. you could just invite to the service and make that clear. in fa t now I think about it we did. we had service then champagne, then sit down meal for 25 then party in the evening. the kind ladies at church did some crisps or something I think although I said I didn't want anything..!

a wedding is about two people getting married in front of God (or the state). that's all you have to do..

Joysmum · 07/05/2014 08:28

Do what you want, I had an evening with a few mates rather than a hen night. There were no signs of the usual strippers and shenanigans as only my closest were there and knew this wasn't my thing.

Kerosene · 07/05/2014 08:34

We didn't do any of that stuff - "nah, it's not my style" repeated (ad infinitum, it seemed) to the hard-of-thinking.

I've nothing against the big production weddings - a friend of mine did the whole thing, including the custom t-shirt and fairy wings hen night, stately home, string quartet, sit-down dinner and so forth. Perfect for them, and they had so much fun with it. But if it's not your kind of thing, then it isn't - it's a pity some of your friends seem to be focused on their ideal, rather than yours.

Your plans sound lovely - really welcoming and open. I hope it all goes well for you!

qazxc · 07/05/2014 08:34

YADNBU, it's about what you and DP want. By the way your wedding sounds lovely.

popcornpaws · 07/05/2014 08:43

I didn't get engaged, had my hen party in the house, friends, grub and drinks, it was great!
decided to get married 4 wks beforehand, booked a restaurant for a meal and that was pretty much it.
My idea of hell is bridesmaids, favours, seating plans etc.
do it your way, never to please anyone else!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 07/05/2014 09:25

Went to another lovely wedding where the couple got married midweek at lunch time - I popped along and went back to work afterwards (meal was just for family) - they had a pub do at the weekend which was very informal.

There are all different types of weddings. Just the low key ones don't make it to the media!

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2014 09:27

Sounds more like your having a wedding the way they used to be - before all the additions and ridiculous expense.

So tell everyone it's going to be really traditional and 'old-school' and that's the way you both want it.

Word of warning though - you might want to take a couple of days off work right before without telling them, just so they don't spring some form of 'send-off' as you don't want a hen do...

SingSongSlummy · 07/05/2014 09:34

I think it sounds perfect as then the main focus is on the Mass, which is what it's really all about. I think having a champagne 'high tea' or afternoon tea sounds very elegant and you absolutely must stick to your guns.

Xenadog · 07/05/2014 09:37

OP I think everyone is right when they say "You have the wedding you want" but if you are having a lengthy service and inviting people who have to travel a bit of a distance then some element of celebration would be nice for everyone involved. I don't think a few sandwiches and a couple of glasses of champers really cuts it to be honest. I wouldn't suggest a full sit down meal but maybe a private room in a restaurant/pub/bar with a good quality buffet and some bottles of fizzy or whatever where people can stay and socialise with you and your new husband for a couple of hours would be lovely.

I totally understand the lack of desire to be the centre of attention (I'm exactly the same and also have never had a party for the same reason) but as the bride you are going to have everyone's eyes on you unless you elope and get married with just a couple of witnesses.

As for the hen do and other issues I say stick to your guns. None of that matters but do make sure that you have time to spend with your guests on your day as people will want to wish you well and share in your happiness.

LadyMacmuffintop · 07/05/2014 09:41

YANBU at all!! I once went to a gorgeous wedding which was really short. It was held in a cathedral - beautiful ceremony - with quite a lot of guests but afterwards there was just a champagne reception with canapés, a couple of short speeches, cutting the cake - the couple then got changed into their going away outfits and did just that - went!! It was brilliant - not too long, no waiting around for hours between wedding / getting to reception venue / photos / evening 'do'. The guests then made their own arrangements to go out for meals in the evening with their own family / friends or whatever. Also I have been married twice and haven't had a 'hen' do at either. If you don't want one don't do it - or maybe just arrange to meet in a nice restaurant for a meal with your closest friends or a meal the night before with your close family. Your wedding - do it your way. And I'd just present it as a fait accomplis so people don't have the chance to stick their beaks in!

Bogeyface · 07/05/2014 09:43

Xena makes a good point. If people are travelling a long way to see you (and a full nuptial mass takes some stamina!) then putting on a spread isnt about being centre of attention, it is about being a good host. Its only manners to provide something substantial for them, espcially if timings mean that they will miss either lunch or dinner. You dont have to have a traditional reception with first dance, speeches etc, just a nice afternoon champagne buffet with chatting and socialising rather than dancing and "performing".

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/05/2014 09:57

I think it's fine to arrange whatever you and DF want, subject to being a reasonable and considerate host. Ditch the rest.

The only thing I'd say is that you have friends, they'd like to celebrate with you, so I'd consider having the sort of time with them you'd be comfortable with and just labelling it your "hen do". A friend if mine had two of us around to her house for pizza and a DVD. It might be safer to do that than to risk a tacky surprise hen do.

LadyMacmuffintop · 07/05/2014 10:39

Actually yes Xena and Bogeyface are right re providing food if people have travelled - when I said canapés this couple had proper substantial canapés like yorkshire puds with roast beef etc and plenty of them so guests weren't ravenous - lots of grub without need for lengthy sit down meal.. good advice you do need to look after your guests!

squoosh · 07/05/2014 11:27

Have the wedding you want but as you're inviting a lot of people I think you should make it absolutely clear that you won't be providing a meal, just finger food.

And don't skimp on the finger food either. You don't want ravenous guests who've travelled to be there squabbling over the last mini quiche.

Original poster
PenelopeKeeling · 07/05/2014 13:09

OK, maybe I need to put on a bit more food. At the moment, there are six food 'items' per person, I can't quite remember what they all are because I've lost the menu (very organised bride) but when I looked at it I thought 'that's how much I'd eat for lunch so it's fine'. There will also be some cake which will be made and brought by friends (they offered). But I'm not a big eater so maybe there needs to be more. How much more do you think there should be?

We are going to leave straight after the reception (which will be 2-3 hours) and go on honeymoon. I thought that people could just catch up with others they haven't seen in a while. We will be in the middle of a city so lots of places people can go on to.

It's going to be in a restaurant nearby. There will not be a sit down meal as I simply am tight cannot afford it. The wedding as it is planned will cost several thousand pounds already. I used to think people were crazy for spending £15k on a wedding but now I see it is very easily done!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 07/05/2014 13:13

Is that including your honeymoon?

We did ours for £2000 including dress and sit down meal for 60+ people, that seems awfully high!

I bet you could lower that significantly.

Original poster
PenelopeKeeling · 07/05/2014 13:23

No, not including honeymoon! Or my dress (which won't be a big one). Yes it is high I suppose, but we are inviting about 100 people and the food is done by the restaurant and works out at something like £15 a head so that's £1500 and the champagne is around £3000 (we don't want to run out!), but if we don't drink it all we won't be charged for it all so it might not be that much in the end. The hire charge is £200. It is a central London restaurant (not a posh or famous one though) so it is going to be more expensive than outside London. The choir for the church are about £400 and we can't change that as they are attached to the church. We are not having flowers, professional cake, cars, bridesmaids or a photographer.

OP posts:
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