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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want an engagement party, hen night or wedding breakfast?

115 replies

PenelopeKeeling · 06/05/2014 20:48

I have recently got engaged and am getting married this summer. This is a bit of a surprise to everyone as I had always said I didn't want to get married! I am very much an introvert and hate being the centre of attention. All my friends know this. I never even have birthday parties, just go to a nice restaurant with my partner to celebrate.

But since I got engaged I have had constant questions: when is the engagement party, we must organise you a hen night (I am not allowed to not have one, apparently). Also a total disbelief from some that the whole wedding celebration will only last an afternoon including lengthy nuptial mass and then some champagne afterwards. Have also received some criticism for getting married in the city I live in, in my (not especially picturesque) parish church rather than in the country where my parents live. Tbh I find it a bit hurtful when it comes from good friends.

I don't want a load of extra parties. I hate being the centre of attention, and also I don't have a lot of money and often work long hours so don't have much time. AIBU to be a bit disappointed that my friends don't get this and are pushing for more? I'm just happy to be getting married. But perhaps I am being a bit unfair to people and should make more 'effort' in order to give them what they want?! If I am not being unfair, how can I gently tell people that my plans are final?

(My fiance is of the same mind as I am, btw)

OP posts:

pommedeterre · 07/05/2014 13:29

I felt like you and compromised on some things (did have a small hen do in the end and did do a sit down meal) which in the end I actually enjoyed. Despite being bigger and a bit more traditional than I had envisaged our day still had a very laid back feel and I really enjoyed it. We're not Catholics and had dd1 by that point so civil service on same site as party so no high mass :)

I absolutely did not compromise on location. Our family is here not up where we were born and the day was about us and our life.

I would pick the few things that are absolutely essential to you and not change on those but if compromising on some of the other bits would make people close to you very happy then I would think about it.

Bogeyface · 07/05/2014 13:30

Central London does make a difference but £3k on champagne is eye watering! Does it have to be champagne? You could halve that cost if you changed to a nice prosecco or cava.

For 5.5k you could have a really nice sit down meal somewhere a bit further out!

skyeskyeskye · 07/05/2014 13:34

I didn't have an engagement party as we got married 7 months after getting engaged, so no point, plus people round here don't tend to have engagement parties. I didnt want a massive hen night, so we did a small local pub crawl. I stated that I would not mix my drinks and I did not want a stripper! Our wedding cost around £5K and the majority of that was spent on feeding people, as I had a cheap dress, cake flowers etc.

Anyway, my point is, that you should do what you want to do, and if you dont want a hen night dont have one. If you did want something quiet, then have a meal in a restaurant and your friends can go clubbing afterwards while you get a taxi home.

I do agree that you need to make sure that there is enough food to feed everybody. It doesn't need to be a sit down meal though, a buffet is fine.

At the end of the day, it is YOUR day and you need to do what you are comfortable with.

skyeskyeskye · 07/05/2014 13:36

just read your last post and I agree that £3K on champagne seems an awful lot of money.... I know I said do what you want, but I would seriously think about spending a bit more on the food and a bit less on the champagne.

Xenadog · 07/05/2014 13:38

OP I think 6 individual items would not satisfy me I'm afraid but then I am incredibly greedy!

I would say offer champagne and maybe something cheaper as not everyone likes champers anyway and you might save some cash.

It sounds like you have it all planned and I hope you have a wonderful day!

CooCooCachoo · 07/05/2014 13:44

Best wedding I've heard of (not mine, but a colleagues) was a 2pm ceremony followed by an afternoon tea in parents garden, all finished by 6!

I wanted that too but got talked into all the other shenanigans, it was all very very tedious and I wish I had stuck to my guns...

squoosh · 07/05/2014 13:48

Downgrade the champagne to cava or prosecco and stick more money on the food budget.

Bogeyface · 07/05/2014 13:53

Unless you are landed gentry or part of the super rich elite, no one would expect real champagne anyway, no one would bat an eyelid at prosecco or cava. A good quality prosecco is far nicer than champagne anyway imo!

ThatsAStupidUsername · 07/05/2014 14:01

Honestly, it sounds fantastic, you have that awful gap between afternoon meal and evening do, nor will you have that dull time when the photos are being down.

My wedding was similar but a lot smaller. I had no flowers, no photographer, no hen do, no invites and no cars but we did have a lovely casual long sit down meal that lasted all afternoon. Afterwards we all went home. It was perfect and the best wedding I have ever been to.

I haven't regretted anything about it ever since. We paid for everything and the meal and drinks were expensive but as we didn't have many guests it was only 3 or 4 thousand.

ThatsAStupidUsername · 07/05/2014 14:03

Typo!!! You WONT Have that gap.....

Original poster

PenelopeKeeling · 07/05/2014 14:03

I am not bothered about champagne but my fiance is! Also the sparkling wine option we were offered was not that much cheaper... I could up the food without reducing champagne, but sit down meal is impossible in any case because the venue is booked and they won't have room for that. The restaurant owner said that 6 canapés each would be enough. I haven't actually seen them in real life so was taking his word for it. I don't want people to be hungry though.

OP posts:

ThatsAStupidUsername · 07/05/2014 14:04

Sorry for my exceptionally badly written post

LadyMacmuffintop · 07/05/2014 14:25

I would have to say that I would do more than six per head. Reason being that some people grab all the food before others have had a chance. Happened to me on a night out this christmas and I had to go and get a mahoosive burger on the way home as had literally had nothing. (There were a lot of leftover mince pies because the men some people had obviously stuffed themselves on MY portion of the canapés!! )

squoosh · 07/05/2014 14:42

I think at a wedding people expect to eat more canapés than they might at say a corporate event.

skyeskyeskye · 07/05/2014 14:47

we went to a meal recently where they had canapes before the starter. They were all teeny weeny little things! I wouldn't describe canapes as food .

But as long as your guests are clear that they are having canapes and champagne, then there shouldnt be a problem. But did you also mention sandwiches somewhere?

I couldnt afford food at my 40th party, so just put that on the invites, so that people didnt expect anything and could eat before they came.

I think for your own peace of mind, you need to be happy that there is enough food, then dont worry about anything else :)

Summerbreezing · 07/05/2014 15:16

YANBU. Not everyone wants to turn their wedding into a three ring circus. I think it's nice to hear of someone just focussing on the wedding ceremony and a little celebration afterwards. Reminder of what weddings used to be like before everyone got into hens weekends, rehearsal dinners, post wedding day barbecues, party to show the wedding DVD and on and on and on.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/05/2014 16:33

Maybe go along and sample the canapes, we had tiny little ones handed out while the photos were being taken and massive ones (think half a wrap filled with chicken and salad) in the evening.

Bogeyface · 07/05/2014 16:35

www.montaguehotel.com/~/media/RCH/MT/PDFs/130618_MT_WeddingPackages-LR.ashx

There go, £59 a head, good amount of food and unlimited champagne!

The Afternoon Tea Wedding
£59.00 per person, to be enjoyed by twenty or more guests

Free flowing Champagne for two hours for all guests

Full traditional afternoon tea; featuring a selection of delicate finger sandwiches, scones with clotted cream and preserves and seasonal pastries

Served with your choice of our selection
of Twinings tea

White chair covers during the meal with y our choice of gold, red or silver sash

Private hire of one of our beautiful areas for your afternoon tea

MaryWestmacott · 07/05/2014 16:38

hmm, I think that sounds very pricy for 6 canapes, even in London, I'd want more for £15 per head, and £30 each on champagne? I think you need to look at your sums, and up the food considerably. Prehaps change from canapes to a buffet, i thinkyou might be able to get more buffet items as they just needs to be laid out, whereas canapes require staff to serve them, you might get the cost per food item down then.

ICanSeeTheSun · 07/05/2014 16:44

I would forget the canapés and do a big buffet instead.

I imagine canapés as these, which 6 will not be enough unless you pre warn guests.

To not want an engagement party, hen night or wedding breakfast?

MostWicked · 07/05/2014 18:00

We didn't have any of that nonsense!
Do as you damn well please, it's your wedding.

MyrtleDove · 07/05/2014 18:54

A champagne (or sparkling wine to cut costs) afternoon tea - cake, scones, sandwiches, cheese straws etc - would be more substantial but still relatively fuss-free.

rowna · 07/05/2014 19:29

I think do as you please. I loathe being centre of attention. I did invite about 5 good friends to a meal for a hen night but felt horribly self conscious all night. I dreaded the wedding - we were having ceremony plus late lunch only - with everybody going off afterwards.

On the day itself - it was amazing having all the people I loved in one room, just there for us. I felt sad when we all had to go. We only invited close family and a load of friends (so no aunties, uncles, cousins) which didn't go down well. And I can honestly say everybody there meant something to us. No random rellies we hadn't seen for ten years. No not so friendly work colleagues or neighbours we felt obliged to invite.

Do what you feel comfortable with. Anything goes these days.

Bogeyface · 07/05/2014 19:50

rowna I felt the same after my first wedding. We got married at 11, had a sit down dinner for 20 people (literally immediate family and 2 friends each), a few drinks in the bar afterwards and everyone left at 5pm. I was gutted! I wanted it to go on much longer, because we were all having such a good time!

LuluJakey1 · 07/05/2014 23:41

YANBU. It is up to you and your DP.
We did not have an engagement party- never crossed our minds to be honest. We were 30 and we just told PIL and a couple of friends and it sort of spread round from that. Lots of people never realised at all I don't think. I did not have a hen night; couldn't think of much I'd like less. DH didn't have a stag night. We did have a bit of a do after the wedding- lovely meal and dancing in a courtyard garden to a jazz/ swing band at an Italien restaurant owned by friends of PIL. 50 ish guests. No pressies by request- nothing we needed. We already had 5 toasters between us! We loved the day. I don't think you have to pander to anyone but yourselves.

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