To not want an engagement party, hen night or wedding breakfast?

[PenelopeKeeling]

I have recently got engaged and am getting married this summer. This is a bit of a surprise to everyone as I had always said I didn't want to get married! I am very much an introvert and hate being the centre of attention. All my friends know this. I never even have birthday parties, just go to a nice restaurant with my partner to celebrate.

But since I got engaged I have had constant questions: when is the engagement party, we must organise you a hen night (I am not allowed to not have one, apparently). Also a total disbelief from some that the whole wedding celebration will only last an afternoon including lengthy nuptial mass and then some champagne afterwards. Have also received some criticism for getting married in the city I live in, in my (not especially picturesque) parish church rather than in the country where my parents live. Tbh I find it a bit hurtful when it comes from good friends.

I don't want a load of extra parties. I hate being the centre of attention, and also I don't have a lot of money and often work long hours so don't have much time. AIBU to be a bit disappointed that my friends don't get this and are pushing for more? I'm just happy to be getting married. But perhaps I am being a bit unfair to people and should make more 'effort' in order to give them what they want?! If I am not being unfair, how can I gently tell people that my plans are final?

(My fiance is of the same mind as I am, btw)

Do people have engagement parties anymore? The last one I went to was in the late 80's!

I had none of these things. No engagement party because whats the point No hen party because just ugh and no wedding breakfast because we wanted to keep costs down.

I kid you not, an engagement party has been demanded (yes) by several unconnected friends! I really cba.

penelope I rather suspect that they want a party and cba themselves! Regardless of anything else, you can definitely ignore the engagement party demands, if only because the vast majority of people will look at you like you grew another head if you announce you are having one!

Actually thinking about it, arent engagement parties a throw back to when engagement meant betrothal and was a contract (you could sue an ex fiance for breach of promise until 1970), so it was a celebration of the forthcoming marriage and a way to start the "bottom drawer" in terms of gifts.

Its all but died out now, especially in an age of multiple engagements, multiple marriages and non married cohabitation ime.

Sorry, thinking further. An engagement party historically was when family A and family B could show off their newly arranged partnership to the family, on the basis that the engaged couple would barely have met!

Anyway, either way it is archaic and safely ignorable!

I hope you do exactly as you please. We had no hen or stag do, no speeches , no wedding list . Reception was just pizza and fizz. - It is often more about keeping other people happy, and conforming to tradition and expectation, then being brave enough to just do what you want.
I make my own traditions

6 canapés does not a meal make!

Do a buffet of something, it can be a nice one
Doesn't have to be all deep fried mushrooms and soggy quiche.

Hardly anyone I know had an engagement party!

Plus your engage ment is only 3-4 months long!

I totally agree about doing what you like, and not bowing to pressure to have a day which is someone else's idea of a wedding.

However, purely on a practical front, 6 canapes is not enough. Presumably some people will have travelled a fair distance, and not eaten while the wedding is happening! They will be hungry, and because it's a wedding people will expect to be fed. To put a crowd in a restaurant but not feed them will most likely result in hungry grumpy people (as hunger makes people grumpy generally).

Buffet or afternoon tea would be great.

I would also say, if you're going to do something which doesn't follow the standard wedding format, it's good to let people know what's expected.

My cousin for example, decided to pay for fizz on arrival but not drinks with the meal. As we were in a pub so there was plenty of booze available, and we were all there to see him and his lovely DW get married, not freeload, so that would have been fine - had he bloody told anyone!

Instead, we all sat at tables laid with wine glasses but no wine arrived. We considered buying some but didn't want to seem rude, as we thought it would come, as that what normally happens at weddings. Had we known, we could easily have bought our own, or even a bottle for each table as a nice gesture (there were only a few tables) but instead everyone sat there not really knowing what the right thing to do was! And that's one thing I remember most about that wedding.

The problem was not lack of wine (cousin is not loaded, I'd rather he spent his money on his DC than buying us all wine!) but lack of communication that they had deviated from the format people were used to.

So, if you really are going to stick to 6 canapes then you need to forewarn people that there will be no meal, so they can make sure they eat well before they come.

Prosecco will be fine, honestly.
Use the money you save on the drink to beef up your food. After a long service, it would be nice to tuck in to some warm canopies.

Forget about the after noon tea idea, lovely with a small group of friends when you are sitting down in a nice hotel or restaurant, but is a crowd of 100 people really going to want to start faffing about with scones and cream in limited space when most of them are going to be standing up? No. It will be a pain.

Do what you want! I don't want a hen do or anything, i'm in the same mind as you. I want a nice, quiet wedding (we're thinking of going abroad for ours) with family and close friends. its your wedding, and no one should tell you what you can and can't do.