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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering leaving dh and ds?

117 replies

Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:05

I've had enough.
I'm a sahm at the moment, although ds started school full time in January and I have been volunteering three days a week since. I'm currently looking for a job. I have had some health type issues which meant an operation in march which was partly why I delayed job hunting.

In addition to this dh works very long hours and travels with work a lot - this means everything related to ds (4) and housewise falls on me, dh plays golf every single Saturday and then spends most of Sunday in bed. I am hoping to return to work part time.

However I am fed up of what basically constitutes financial abuse. Dh earns £70k basic plus another £20-30k bonus annually. He "gives" me £400 a month, from this comes quite a bit of food shopping, petrol, phone bill and everything for ds. All clothes, shoes, outings, birthday gifts for his friends etc. so it's been pretty tight but because ds will be our only one I wanted to stay at home with him and dh also wanted this (it wasn't just me we both agreed) so I haven't liked to complain.

But im now completely sick of it. I can afford to go to the dentist. I can't afford to have my hair cut. I can't afford to eat some days. Yet dh swans off with his friends on stag does, plays golf, buys himself basically anything he wants, has a new car etc. I know he works hard for his money and I don't begrudge him anything and I suppose it's my own fault for sponging off him but if I left him he would actually have to pay me more in maintenance than he does at the moment.

I would like to get a job and then leave. I don't know how I'd manage to support myself and ds and also as dh has told me before if I ever try to leave him he will make up things about me to make sure I never see ds again. And as he points out he will be able to have the best solicitor money can buy and I won't be able to afford one at all. He's also made it clear that I need to take everything with me (including pets else he will kill them) because it will all be broken otherwise.

I don't want to leave ds with him but I'm worried I will end up not being allowed contact at all. And besides I don't have any money.
I just want out. I've had enough.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 06/05/2014 20:09

They all say they want to keep the children, they rarely do. I would contact Women's Aid, they will help you leave this abusive man.

So sorry he is putting you through this.

Fairylea · 06/05/2014 20:11

Contact womens aid. Do NOT leave without ds.

You are in a severely abusive relationship and he is controlling you.

He won't get custody if you are the primary carer. If you contact womens aid they will have a record of the abuse in the relationship should he ever try to contact social services and they will laugh so loudly he will be out on his arse.

Is the house in both your names? Are you legally married? You're entitled to half of everything. Screw him for everything he has. You can claim legal aid in abusive situations.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 06/05/2014 20:12

It doesn't basically constitute financial abuse IT IS financial abuse and emotional abuse.

You need to ring women's aid and get some proper advice about finances and leaving him and taking your DS with you

Fairylea · 06/05/2014 20:14

Incidentally dh earns 15k and we receive tax credits etc. I spend whatever I like from the house account and we split spending money equally between us. I have half what you are "given" just to spend as I wish on myself. That's how financially abusive your high earning husband is being. We spend £600 a month on household stuff and food etc. My second husband was financially abusive and it was one of the main reasons we split up. You deserve better.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:14

I know he works hard for his money and I don't begrudge him anything and I suppose it's my own fault for sponging off him but if I left him he would actually have to pay me more in maintenance than he does at the moment

Hello didn't want to read and run, this part really chilled me.

Did you ever discuss finances with him, when you were both deciding that you should stay at home, have you ever talked to him about money? Did you love each other?

You sound more like a nanny than an equal partner in this marriage.

Its not something I would put up with but I think your going to have to box very very clever here and not jump to any irrational decisions....millions of posters will tell you to get free legal advice..and that should be your first step but get a few different opinions.

Do you have evidence of this allowance paid to you and your out goings with it?

You also need to work on your own perceptions of marriage. You are also working hard for his money, its both your money and you have sacrificed to stay at home for your son, thats worth something! You ARE WORTH SOMETHING!

gamerchick · 06/05/2014 20:15

Time to plan.. please don't leave your child though.. there is a way you can leave with your bairn. There is happy for you in the future when you're free.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 06/05/2014 20:15

get out with your ds, you'll regret it otherwise. what a horrid situation.

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:16

We are married. I have bank statements to show money going in and out. Dh also has about £50k in savings.

We own the house.

I just know how nasty it's all going to turn. His family have money too.

OP posts:
LadyRabbit · 06/05/2014 20:17

Oh gosh OP that sounds grim, and you sound like you're at the end of your tether.
I would go to a family solicitor ASAP - if you can't afford that, then your nearest CAB. I think you may qualify for legal aid, although I am no expert on these matters.
Do you have any kind of support network - friends, family?
Your DH sounds awful. Does he have any redeeming features? I ask that in a straightforward sense, not being flippant.
You deserve better than this.
Did you have a career before you became a SAHM? If so, can you return to it.
Please do not let your DH bully you into feeling powerless and hopeless.
Someone with far better advice will be along shortly.
Hang on in there and keep posting, this is a wonderful place for useful, kind advice.
Oh and here, have some Wine Thanks

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:17

Yes, we decided together that I would give up my job (career) to stay home.
Originally dh promised me lots of things but they never happened and then it was too late.

OP posts:
LadyRabbit · 06/05/2014 20:18

And I second the poster saying you're in an abusive relationship. You are not free childcare/housekeeper. You are YOU and you deserve your financial and emotional freedom.

SecretRed · 06/05/2014 20:18

You know you would be entitled to double what he gives you now if you separated. It's not about the money though he is financially and emotionally abusing you and your DS.
There is no way he will be awarded custody.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:18

Do you not have a joint account...

Is the house in both your names.

Dont fret about what might or might not be.

Call womans aid, as people have said, go to doctors too, ask for a longer appt and say you are in abusive relationship etc..

Box clever and do not tell him what you are planning! v

A while ago a poster came on saying she was in physically abusive relationship that he would kick off if he knew she was leaving, and she did tell him and he did kick off!

Do not tell him.

YouTheCat · 06/05/2014 20:19

Go to Women's aid. They will have seen and heard it all before and know how to help. And they will be able to help. Make sure you mention the threats to the animals too.

Keep hold of copies of as much financial information as you can and make sure you have your ds's passport/documents somewhere safe.

He will have to pay a large sum in child support and you will have your life back for you and your ds.

BookabooSue · 06/05/2014 20:20

YANBU to consider leaving your dh. He sounds like an abusive arse. However, you're not really thinking clearly about the detail (which is understandable!).

I'm not sure why you want to leave your ds. If it's solely because of your dh's threats then ignore them. Contact Women's Aid or the CAB and find out what benefits you would receive to support both you and your ds until you get a job.

I'm not sure how you know you would get more in maintenance than you get just now. If you leave your ds then there is a chance you're entitled to spousal maintenance but I'm not sure how you have calculated that figure. If you take your ds with you then you're entitled to child maintenance but that depends on how often your dh would have him.

As for your pets, well if you are on a reduced income then you'll have to prioritise and decide if you can afford to take them with you or not. Perhaps you could try to rehome them?

PortofinoRevisited · 06/05/2014 20:20

Please contact Women's Aid. He sounds like a shit of the highest order. Agree - don't leave your ds.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:20

SecretRed

Only £800 a month on such a large salary? Really? Shock

Op have you ever spoken to him about these promises and what you want...

TweenageAngst · 06/05/2014 20:22

You poor woman- get copies of evidence of all the financial stuff.
If you think it will be nasty you need to get your plans into place and lodge all the important stuff somewhere safe. Keep surprise as the upper hand
I wish you all the best.

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:23

I don't want to leave ds really. I just don't know how to get out and support us both. Although dh would have to pay quite a bit of support - I know because I checked on the online calculator. I can't see dh being able to have him in the week and it would meant not playing golf and getting up if he had him at the weekend. However likely he would take ds to his mother's and leave him there.

Dh has never taken ds anywhere since he was born. Not to the park, not swimming, not for a walk. Absolutely nowhere.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 06/05/2014 20:23

I honestly think your best bet is to cut and run. Just get your stuff and go, cut contact and ignore. He has threatened to kill your pets. He is dangerous.

What are you thinking at the moment OP?

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:25

I don't know. I lie awake at night just mulling it over, trying to find an answer but there isn't one. Except to be able to rewind the last decade, which unfortunately I can't do.
I was stupid to have married him.

OP posts:
KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:26

go where calin?

He sounds very vindictive I would not leave the son there esp as he doesnt seem to have interacted much with him and perhaps lacks a deeper bond with him....

x2boys · 06/05/2014 20:27

You are not sponging off him he is your husband ! The money should be family money I presume you both made a decision that you would stay at home to look after your ds he does not have a right to leave you with a pittance whilst he spends what he wants ,at present both me anddh work full time I have always earnt around double what dh earns but both our wages have always been family money and both of us have equal right to it as we care a family please get advice op your husband is being very abusive.

ikeaismylocal · 06/05/2014 20:27

Please don't leave your child, from the sounds of it your ds and his father don't have much of a relationship, your ds would be better off anywhere with you than with a father who doesn't bother with him.

I hope you can find a way out of this horrible situation, I don't have any practical advice but I just wanted to say I really hope it works out for you and your ds, it is no way to live the way your partner is treating you.

CailinDana · 06/05/2014 20:27

No you weren't stupid. You were normal, and you expected him to be normal. Unfortunately he's not. You're in a disaster zone, it's dangerous and you need to get the hell out. Trying to reason with him or do anything through official channels is a waste of time IMO.

Oh and the threats to keep your son are classic and are total and utter bullshit. He has no interest whatsoever in his son, he just wants to control you.