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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be considering leaving dh and ds?

117 replies

Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:05

I've had enough.
I'm a sahm at the moment, although ds started school full time in January and I have been volunteering three days a week since. I'm currently looking for a job. I have had some health type issues which meant an operation in march which was partly why I delayed job hunting.

In addition to this dh works very long hours and travels with work a lot - this means everything related to ds (4) and housewise falls on me, dh plays golf every single Saturday and then spends most of Sunday in bed. I am hoping to return to work part time.

However I am fed up of what basically constitutes financial abuse. Dh earns £70k basic plus another £20-30k bonus annually. He "gives" me £400 a month, from this comes quite a bit of food shopping, petrol, phone bill and everything for ds. All clothes, shoes, outings, birthday gifts for his friends etc. so it's been pretty tight but because ds will be our only one I wanted to stay at home with him and dh also wanted this (it wasn't just me we both agreed) so I haven't liked to complain.

But im now completely sick of it. I can afford to go to the dentist. I can't afford to have my hair cut. I can't afford to eat some days. Yet dh swans off with his friends on stag does, plays golf, buys himself basically anything he wants, has a new car etc. I know he works hard for his money and I don't begrudge him anything and I suppose it's my own fault for sponging off him but if I left him he would actually have to pay me more in maintenance than he does at the moment.

I would like to get a job and then leave. I don't know how I'd manage to support myself and ds and also as dh has told me before if I ever try to leave him he will make up things about me to make sure I never see ds again. And as he points out he will be able to have the best solicitor money can buy and I won't be able to afford one at all. He's also made it clear that I need to take everything with me (including pets else he will kill them) because it will all be broken otherwise.

I don't want to leave ds with him but I'm worried I will end up not being allowed contact at all. And besides I don't have any money.
I just want out. I've had enough.

OP posts:

TeenyfTroon · 06/05/2014 20:54

I don't have any advice for you but I have seen so many women helped to get away by the women on MN. Ask to move to relationships and the ones who haven't found you here will help. The advice you've already had about WA is good. They are used to awful situations like yours.

Please don't put up with him any longer.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:56

Do they like him? would they at least be emotionally supportive of your decision to leave? Are they close to him?

Are they close to your son...are they phycially in proximity to you?

Sometimes in a situ such as yours they breathe sighs of relief you have decided to leave and let it all out how they never trusted the person....

Threatening to kill the pets is really worrying....as is the other vindictive behaviour.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 06/05/2014 20:56

You would get more money being a single mother with housing benefits child benefit jsa etc etc it will be hard. But harder if you stay.

Women's aid will help you.

You can get benefits until you get what you're owed from your abusive husband.

You should take your son. He deserves his mum to be happy and to be with you.

MyLatest · 06/05/2014 20:57

You are being severely abused and controlled by this pig of a man. As others have said, you need to hang in there and get what you need. Photocopy financial paperwork etc so you have evidence of his income. Look for a job which will fit around lone parenting (so shift work might be difficult unless you have people who can care for DS outside normal work / afterschool club hours).

There is a poster who I think is called Olgaga (?) who has an excellent list of what to do before you leave / separate - lots of practical advice. She posted it in relationships a lot and one of the wise ladies over there may be able to point you towards it.

catgirl1976 · 06/05/2014 20:57

:( This sounds awful. It is abuse. The threat about killing the pets and making things up about you to get custody is just awful.

Please contact Womens Aid like others are saying. Don't leave without your DS. Do you have somewhere safe you can both go? :(

morethanpotatoprints · 06/05/2014 20:57

OMG, you are married and any decent man would say what is his is yours as he wouldn't have this lifestyle if it wasn't for you.
just ask yourself how much childcare would have cost him, how he'd cope doing everything for himself and running a home.
You certainly haven't sponged off him, he is a financial abuser.
Please listen to the lovely advice you will get on here and don't listen to what he says, he hasn't got a leg to stand on, even if he can afford a good solicitor.
Best of luck OP.

Original poster

Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:58

My parents hate dh.

OP posts:

hotcrosshunny · 06/05/2014 20:58

You only need to do one thing tomorrow.

Ring women's aid.

I would also erase your internet history so he doesn't see this thread.

Start saving money - a little bit here and there.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:58

Just remember OP you are not alone, many men and women have trod this path to freedom....its not easy....but its do able....and people have done it and do it, right now so many others will be feeling like you, all these emotions, low feelings swirling round, feelings of the hopelessness of it all, but its not hopeless and it is do able, the only obstacle is your own fear...and him.

MyLatest · 06/05/2014 20:59

Having just read your update about the threats to pets I would be inclined to leave sooner rather than later and definitely don't leave DS behind even temporarily. He sounds unhinged. If there is any safe way to record him when he is ranting / threatening / bullying you it might be worthwhile but only if you can be incredibly careful.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 06/05/2014 21:00

You have already made the first step by deciding you want to leave. You can do this, I promise. Break it down into small steps you can manage one at a time. Next step is to speak to Women's Aid and get their advice.

Nothing your husband has done or threatened to do hasn't been done before by other abusive shits. WA will know how to get you and your son out of there safely.

Do you have any savings yourself or any way to squirrel away some cash to help you get out?

Also, please consider posting in the Relationships forum, or having this thread moved there. There are some amazingly knowledgeable people in there who will have real practical advice for you.

Itsfab · 06/05/2014 21:00

He only holds the cards because you haven't sought help.

Get legal advice.
Pack and go to your parents.

Your husband is being abusive to your son as well as you.

I would be telling the police about the threats to kill the pets .

What a horrible man you are married too.

BillyBanter · 06/05/2014 21:00

Women's Aid have heard your story many many times (sadly) and have helped women with the same story out of their situations many times too.

You have nothing to lose by picking up the phone and talking to them.

The main thing I would say to you is give him no inkling that you are planning to get out of the marriage. Even if he realy riles you don't be tempted to say 'yeah well, I've phoned women's aid and I'm leaving'. that never goes well in an abusive relationship.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 06/05/2014 21:02

Do your parents live nearby?

Original poster

Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 21:03

I did have some savings but they've gone :-(

I will speak to WA tomorrow - I can do this anonymously?

OP posts:

softlysoftly · 06/05/2014 21:03

Hang on why should she leave?

Is a jointly owned home yes? Your son's home and you are his primary care giver.

I would contact a lawyer first, they will do free legal advice for 30m or so. Ask them your position if you want to stay in YOUR SON'S home but make the abusive husband leave. Ask if there is any way legal fees for a divorce can be made to come from the JOINT family savings because that's what they are, maybe in his bank account but it's half yours legally I think.

I would also be trying to get the abuse in writing. Email him that you haven't eaten some days and can't go to dentist, say you don't understand why he restricts your money so much. Maybe he will email in reply and put in writing some of the verbal abuse he gives you.

Also make a call/report to women's aid.

Once you know your legal position decide on leaving or kicking him out.

WaitMonkey · 06/05/2014 21:04

Don't leave your son with this man, get both of you away from him soon. Good luck.

CocktailQueen · 06/05/2014 21:05

Oh, op, sending you loads of un-MN hugs and support. Ring women's aud tomorrow! Your h sounds awful - he's never taken DS anywhere? And yet DS still is desperate to see him? That is so sad, one if the saddest things I've read. For that reason only, leave your crappy, selfish, useless excuse for a human being husband. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and vibes. Xxxxx

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 21:06

Email him that you haven't eaten some days and can't go to dentist, say you don't understand why he restricts your money so much. Maybe he will email in reply and put in writing some of the verbal abuse he gives you.

good idea as long as he doesn't guess she is trying to get evidence in writing...

You will be able to do whatever you want at womans aid....call yourself the queen of sheba, it will be what you want it to be and how you feel safest..

lavenderhoney · 06/05/2014 21:06

Christ he sounds awful.

And if you've already made noises about leaving you must be very careful. Log out of mn all the time. Wipe your history on the Internet. Be very safe indeed as anyone who threatens to kill pets whom presumably their child loves has little or no morals and ethics.

It doesn't matter what he says. He can have the best lawyer in the UK, but he will still have to provide for your ds. So ignore that. Don't say anything to poke him, but ignore it inside.

Make a plan- tell your parents everything. They will know when you leave anyway, so let them help. You can keep things at their house, such as passports and copies/ originals of paperwork.

You don't have to be all nice and tell him you're off. I wouldn't. He's not a reasonable man.

Find a local divorce solicitor and get your first free 30 mins ( they let you ramble on, don't worry, mine did) take their advice. If you can, find one that specialises in DV, as he sounds quite odd.
Pop in or call 101 police at tell them exactly what you say here and about threatening to kill pets and take ds. Take their advice.
Call women's aid.take their advice. Tell them he has scared you into thinking he will take your ds and tell lies about you. I think this is common.

Be careful though.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 21:06

On my phone, back in a few minutes

EverybodysStressyEyed · 06/05/2014 21:06

If your parents are close can you take important things to store there?

zumby · 06/05/2014 21:07

Get away from him whilst your son is still young. The courts will always place your son with you, his primary carer. If you wait until your son is old enough to fall under the spell of his dad, and tell court officials that he wants to live with daddy, you lose what control you currently have.

softlysoftly · 06/05/2014 21:07

And don't worry about DS there ia no way on earth they would opt for allowing him custody when he is away at work all the time and you have been the primary caregiver for 4 years.

He's using words to control you but they may as well bemade of dust for all the legal weight they carry.

Take action and take your power back.

BillyBanter · 06/05/2014 21:09

The number for WA does not show up as WA on the phone bill.

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