To be considering leaving dh and ds?

[Downanddefintielyout]

I've had enough.
I'm a sahm at the moment, although ds started school full time in January and I have been volunteering three days a week since. I'm currently looking for a job. I have had some health type issues which meant an operation in march which was partly why I delayed job hunting.

In addition to this dh works very long hours and travels with work a lot - this means everything related to ds (4) and housewise falls on me, dh plays golf every single Saturday and then spends most of Sunday in bed. I am hoping to return to work part time.

However I am fed up of what basically constitutes financial abuse. Dh earns £70k basic plus another £20-30k bonus annually. He "gives" me £400 a month, from this comes quite a bit of food shopping, petrol, phone bill and everything for ds. All clothes, shoes, outings, birthday gifts for his friends etc. so it's been pretty tight but because ds will be our only one I wanted to stay at home with him and dh also wanted this (it wasn't just me we both agreed) so I haven't liked to complain.

But im now completely sick of it. I can afford to go to the dentist. I can't afford to have my hair cut. I can't afford to eat some days. Yet dh swans off with his friends on stag does, plays golf, buys himself basically anything he wants, has a new car etc. I know he works hard for his money and I don't begrudge him anything and I suppose it's my own fault for sponging off him but if I left him he would actually have to pay me more in maintenance than he does at the moment.

I would like to get a job and then leave. I don't know how I'd manage to support myself and ds and also as dh has told me before if I ever try to leave him he will make up things about me to make sure I never see ds again. And as he points out he will be able to have the best solicitor money can buy and I won't be able to afford one at all. He's also made it clear that I need to take everything with me (including pets else he will kill them) because it will all be broken otherwise.

I don't want to leave ds with him but I'm worried I will end up not being allowed contact at all. And besides I don't have any money.
I just want out. I've had enough.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/

Sign up with a temping agency like manpower or broik street to give you work experience & access to cash whilst you decide on a career.

www.brookstreet.co.uk/

That's awful, Down. I second the suggestion for you to move this to the Relationships section as there are some great posters on there who have been through your exact situation and have left abusive marriages like yours. There is a lot of practical advice on what to do. AIBU can be a bit of a minefield although thankfully on this thread everyone is being helpful, which shows you what a serious, unambiguously bad situation you are in.

Your husband is a bully and a control freak. I'm sure his treatment of you has ground you down but it sounds like you have a lot of fight left in you still. You are probably just tired and feeling desperate to talk of leaving your son. Don't let him bully you. You're entitled to help and you will definitely get custody of your son.

Could you go and stay with your parents? I'm sure they would love to help you out if they already dislike your husband. And I'm sure they are worried for their grandson, living in that situation with a horrible father.

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

Goodness, sorry for the multiple posts - no idea why or how that happened.

Goodness, sorry for the multiple posts - no idea why or how that happened.

Don't worry - I think its Mumsnet blipping - it is happening everywhere.

Contact Citizens Advice and get a legal perspective. If your DH ears that much and it is his child, he will be expected to pay maintenance accordingly and to keep a roof over his child's head. There is also something that my solicitor tied into my divorce (assuming that's where you're heading) which said that my Ex needed to support me also, a small %, if needs be. I never needed it but would have gone for it, had I not been able to support myself.

Do not leave the home, is my advice. Definitely, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SON. Write everything down so that you have a clear and concise record of what has lead you to this desperate situation.

Confide in your parents. It's what they would want.

This is going to be hard for you, but you simply must resolve, for you and ds, to take that first step.

OP, make sure you go to your gp and get this documented.

How is he towards you when you're out as a family?

I can assure you, woman's aid will have heard it all before.

And your husband can threaten but that's all xxx

You're not sponging off of him! PLEASE

I hope you get out soon, and please make sure the pets are OK.

What a tosser

He earns £90-£100k a year and "gives" you £400 per month out of which you have to buy food/clothes/petrol etc!?!

You're not a wife, you're his slave.

I don't usually say this but leave the bastard.

OP, I can't say much that hasn't already been said, but he is kidding himself if he thinks 'the best solicitor in the world' can hide cold hard facts.
Judges aren't stupid or born yesterday. They can spot (and actively look out for) situations where one party has top-notch legal representation and the other doesn't. They can spot arrogant husbands making up totally unsubstantiated nonsense to try and screw their ex wives over.

In the meantime, get copies of bank statements, mortgage statements, credit card statements. Get your passport, marriage certificate and DS birth certificates somewhere safe.

Good luck with it all, but remember that this is probably the beginning of a much happier part of your life.

Unless you show up to court, punch the judge in the throat whilst singing "I'm a little teapot", no judge would ever award primary residence to him over you no matter how much money he has.

Besides which as others have said, very few dad's will actually step up and take the kids on full time. I've heard it loads of times before. A friend of mine is always prattling on about what a bad mum his ex is and how they want to be with him. But when push comes to shove, he doesn't actually do anything about it.

Especially not guys who earn a huge salary. Can he really sustain that job and be home to pick the kids up from school, take school holidays off etc?

Many years ago I left my DS then aged 4 behind because I couldn't see how I could take him. My excuse was/is I was working full time and had to be to support him and I didn't want to disrupt his life and XH had convinced me all of our problems were my fault. As it turned out I bitterly regretted that decision - so did DS - but I did get him back (long story).
Please listen to the advice here to get copies of the financial info and contact women's aid to get what you are entitled to. Most of all use that advice to take your DS with you - he needs a life away from his father.

The 'best solicitor in the world' stuff is all designed to keep you in fear and stuck in your current situation.

He doesn't want your DS (or he would spend time with him)
A judge will not give residency to him (because you are the primary carer)
He will threaten and threaten to go for residency, but at the end of the day he will not. And even if he does, he won't get it. The courts know men like your husband and they are not fooled by a fancy solicitor and a nice suit. Yes, the rest of the world is, often. But in court he is just another abuser. He doesn't have the power. The court does.

Please get advice, get planning, then take your son and get out.

Good luck o p. Take the plunge and leave with your boy. You both deserve so much more than what this useless mantwat can possibly offer.

You poor thing!

Make your computer safe - wipe your internet history.
Phone WA
Phone your parents
Start planning to leave, with pets and your DS and anything else you hold dear. Start moving stuff that you want to keep out now, stuff that your H will not notice - and if he does notice that stuff has gone, say you're having a clear out and have got rid of it.
You are being and have been abused - and you have been conditioned by this "man" to keep you in fear and in penury so that he has complete control over you.
Document anything and everything you can - if he's said anything in text or email to you, then keep it.
See if you can visit a solicitor without him knowing about it and find out what your options are.

Prepare and plan - and then take your DS and any other living things in the house and run.
Your Ds cannot stay with this "man" - it will be dreadful for him. Your H doesn't really want him except as a tool with which to control and/or wound you - you can't let that happen.

Good luck, best of luck in fact - and keep coming here for support. xx

Good Luck OP- You can do this, you and DS deserve so much more! x