To be considering leaving dh and ds?

[Downanddefintielyout]

I've had enough.
I'm a sahm at the moment, although ds started school full time in January and I have been volunteering three days a week since. I'm currently looking for a job. I have had some health type issues which meant an operation in march which was partly why I delayed job hunting.

In addition to this dh works very long hours and travels with work a lot - this means everything related to ds (4) and housewise falls on me, dh plays golf every single Saturday and then spends most of Sunday in bed. I am hoping to return to work part time.

However I am fed up of what basically constitutes financial abuse. Dh earns £70k basic plus another £20-30k bonus annually. He "gives" me £400 a month, from this comes quite a bit of food shopping, petrol, phone bill and everything for ds. All clothes, shoes, outings, birthday gifts for his friends etc. so it's been pretty tight but because ds will be our only one I wanted to stay at home with him and dh also wanted this (it wasn't just me we both agreed) so I haven't liked to complain.

But im now completely sick of it. I can afford to go to the dentist. I can't afford to have my hair cut. I can't afford to eat some days. Yet dh swans off with his friends on stag does, plays golf, buys himself basically anything he wants, has a new car etc. I know he works hard for his money and I don't begrudge him anything and I suppose it's my own fault for sponging off him but if I left him he would actually have to pay me more in maintenance than he does at the moment.

I would like to get a job and then leave. I don't know how I'd manage to support myself and ds and also as dh has told me before if I ever try to leave him he will make up things about me to make sure I never see ds again. And as he points out he will be able to have the best solicitor money can buy and I won't be able to afford one at all. He's also made it clear that I need to take everything with me (including pets else he will kill them) because it will all be broken otherwise.

I don't want to leave ds with him but I'm worried I will end up not being allowed contact at all. And besides I don't have any money.
I just want out. I've had enough.

knitted agree I will add a caveat to that OP only email text to get abuse in writing if that is already a natural form of communication between you.

Talk to WA, it won't show up on the phone bill. They are the experts and will give you far better advice than most people here. They will be able to talk you through your options and help you get legal advice.

I am assuming you are in the UK - you can't buy the courts here. I know family lawyers and even when women have to self-represent the judges are good and spotting what is really going on.

Talk to WA.

While you're there make sure you gather evidence - even recordings - squirrel what you can away - if you have family willing and able to help take it with both hands.

here is the link referred to earlier

it's a great place to start signposting you as to your rights (and they are legion...this is a civilised country and no one is forced to live in poverty and abuse)

it doesn't replace RL professional help though. OP you need expert assistance. Start with Women's Aid and get their recommendations for local solicitors who have experience in dealing with financially abusive relationships. Don't worry about paying them upfront...they will take their cut from the final settlement

I just know how nasty it's all going to turn. His family have money too.

You need to weigh up the period of nastiness against a lifetime of living with this man, who is not going to change, except to get worse.

You really do need to get in contact with a women's charity and get some professional advice on how you can deal with this with minimal contact from your H. Remember, if he threatens you when you leave it's harrassment and he'll just earn himself a criminal record.

Records and keep a diary if possible of instances of threats and abuse, it will help when you leave him and will be a reminder to you of how little you get out of this 'relationship'. You deserve so much more than this, practically anyone does.

Please do not take the previous advice to just leave without planning, it's bad advice.

Free legal advice is availible from here

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

And here

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

If you start taking steps to get professional documentation of the abuse you are experancing now then you will be able to get legal aid. You will not get it if you cannot get that support at the very least talk to your doctor from a purely practical stance if you can swing a referral to children's services all the better (it will give you evidence you need to obtain free face to face legal support and could massively help with preventing him from carrying out his threats)

As the others have correctly pointed out you will be able to get maintainance on top of benefits and other support.

If you wanted you could seek help to force him to leave you do not have to be the one to leave, if you do decide to leave do not tell him and do not leave your child, if you do it could take a very very long time for you to even see him again.

I just want to say this post made me really sad, and I have seen many like it. Your DH is an ARSE of the uttermost proportions, I cannot believe he makes you live on £400 a month for you and your DS when hes on around 100k a year. That is awful, you are treated like a slave :( And hes never even taken your DS for a walk!

I second everyone else who says get legal help now to get out. I hope everything goes ok for you, it makes me so sad someone can be forced to live in poverty (not eating!) while their 'husband' is earning so much money. What a nasty, horrible, controlling man.

I wish you all the best OP xxxx

Oh Down this is just awful, but follow the advice and things will get better. Use the time he leaves you in the house to get what you need together.

What your husband is doing is NOT ok. It's not normal, and it's not something you should have to put up with. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

Giving you an allowance shows how little he thinks of you. You are not a nanny. You are a partner and one that should have equal say and equal access in the finances. He does not own you.

Also, I'd get out now, without telling him and get to a woman's aid. Let them know what's going on, tell them about the threats.

Don't worry about him making up lies. Divorce courts have heard everything under the sun flung at the other person. Everyone flings mud at their spouse. Just show that you are responsible, are working on getting a job, and a decent human being.

DO NOT leave your son with him. He will use him to control you, and you don't know when he will hurt him to get you to come back.

Get into his bank accounts and siphon off as muuch as you can. He owes you and its marital asset money,its yours.

Don't siphon off anything!

Do this properly and legally and the evil git won't have a leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

Women's aid will give you practical advice and emotional help to feel stronger and able to take the right steps. You don't need to contact them anonymously as you asked a few posts ago - they are there to help you, so you have nothing to fear by contacting them and telling them your details and what's happening.

The first steps are always the hardest but you have taken the first step by acknowledging what's happening on here.

Down, just want to extend a hand and agree with everyone else on here. Please ring WA and get advice on how to leave safely with your son.

OP, I really hope this works out well for you.
Not sure what you are using for this thread and any research, but please ensure that your husband (can't bring self to say DH) cannot see this or access your internet history. Will be thinking of you.

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

Oh op yes you are being financially and emotionally abused by this bully, he wants you as a housekeeper not a loving partner. Don't leave without your ds, this man will not look after him of put his needs first. I cannot fathom how he lets you and ds starve and live a frugal life, when he lives like a lord. This is severe abuse, keeping you there by blackmail. I second going to WA, they will be able to put you in contact with the appropriate help. One things for certain, you BOTH need to leave him. Good luck

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

30 years ago,my mum was in your position. It took her another 10 years to get the confidence to leave. By this point, my dad was being emotionally abusive towards me too. I was a teenager.
When we left, things were incredibly difficult initially money wise but we got through it.
We left with our dog, budgie and rabbit too. We managed to rent somewhere that didn't mind pets. The pdsa ran a vets clinic that, with proof of low income treated our dog for nothing.
When the divorce was finalised, mum, Dsis and I were so used to living on very little that we continued to be quite frugal. However, that was mum's choice and we did get treats, holidays, nice presents etc and I wouldn't say we ever wanted for much once they were divorced.
Mum was able to buy a small but ample house outright with no mortgage. She felt it was such a relief to not have that as a burden too.
My relationship with my dad never truly recovered. I had the most wonderful relationship with my mum until we lost her to cancer.
You can do this and I would do it before it really damages your son.
Your husband sounds vile and deserves everything coming to him.
Good luck!

Photocopy or scan all his bank statement and email it to a newly created email account & store all paper copies out of the house.

Do you have valuable jewellery? Then slowly remove them from the house & store them in a bank deposit box or with a trusted person. Or alternatively sell a few pieces to release some money in case you need to escape quickly.

Book an appointment with a solicitor to get some independent advice, remember that the first half hour is free. You could book several 30 min consultations to reduce the number of firms your husband can consult should you wish to file for divorce. Don't give any clues away about your escape plans.

How would your dh respond if you asked him to pay for your salon visit? Or if you set up an online delivery for food & used his or the joint account to pay for it in addition to the 400? What would he do if you all went shopping & you wanted to buy some things? I am asking because some financially/emotionally abusive men want to maintain an appearance of respectability. People would be shocked to hear about what went on behind closed doors.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/

Sign up with a temping agency like manpower or broik street to give you work experience & access to cash whilst you decide on a career.

www.brookstreet.co.uk/