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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering leaving dh and ds?

117 replies

Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:05

I've had enough.
I'm a sahm at the moment, although ds started school full time in January and I have been volunteering three days a week since. I'm currently looking for a job. I have had some health type issues which meant an operation in march which was partly why I delayed job hunting.

In addition to this dh works very long hours and travels with work a lot - this means everything related to ds (4) and housewise falls on me, dh plays golf every single Saturday and then spends most of Sunday in bed. I am hoping to return to work part time.

However I am fed up of what basically constitutes financial abuse. Dh earns £70k basic plus another £20-30k bonus annually. He "gives" me £400 a month, from this comes quite a bit of food shopping, petrol, phone bill and everything for ds. All clothes, shoes, outings, birthday gifts for his friends etc. so it's been pretty tight but because ds will be our only one I wanted to stay at home with him and dh also wanted this (it wasn't just me we both agreed) so I haven't liked to complain.

But im now completely sick of it. I can afford to go to the dentist. I can't afford to have my hair cut. I can't afford to eat some days. Yet dh swans off with his friends on stag does, plays golf, buys himself basically anything he wants, has a new car etc. I know he works hard for his money and I don't begrudge him anything and I suppose it's my own fault for sponging off him but if I left him he would actually have to pay me more in maintenance than he does at the moment.

I would like to get a job and then leave. I don't know how I'd manage to support myself and ds and also as dh has told me before if I ever try to leave him he will make up things about me to make sure I never see ds again. And as he points out he will be able to have the best solicitor money can buy and I won't be able to afford one at all. He's also made it clear that I need to take everything with me (including pets else he will kill them) because it will all be broken otherwise.

I don't want to leave ds with him but I'm worried I will end up not being allowed contact at all. And besides I don't have any money.
I just want out. I've had enough.

OP posts:
KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:27

There is a way out, contact womans aid, dont let him get a whiff of any plans....see what the experts say and go from there.

Shenanagins · 06/05/2014 20:28

Op, I didn't want to read and run. You are in a very abusive marriage but need to plan very carefully your escape.

I am no expert in any of this but would suggest asking for your post to be moved to relationships where you will receive a lot of good advice and support every step of the way.

CailinDana · 06/05/2014 20:29

A refuge, a friend's house, a relative's house, anywhere at all, somewhere away from him.

fairylightsintheloft · 06/05/2014 20:29

It doesn't matter if the house is in joint names or not if you are married it is an asset of the marriage and you are entitled to half the value if you split. You are not "sponging" off him, you are raising his child and keeping his house. You could easily pay £1500 a month for a nanny plus several hundred for cleaning, ironing etc. Aside from finances, he sounds completely uninvolved with his family anyway. I know plenty of dads who work long hours and they use their free time (mostly) to see their kids. My DH relaxes by planning with our DCs, not sodding off every weekend. please leave this twat OR he needs a serious wake up call and things need to change drastically.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:31

I think she wants to leave him the question is how will she support herself, where will she live, who will have custody of her son, and so on.

Lauranda · 06/05/2014 20:31

Leave him.

Luckily the UK does not favour the person with money, unlike the us!

CailinDana · 06/05/2014 20:31

How are you doing Down?

autumnsmum · 06/05/2014 20:33

The dogs trust I think run a fostering service for pets where a famyily are in a refuge I know it's a minor thing but op you sound desperate

Lauranda · 06/05/2014 20:36

Get some of the abuse hes said recorded. You live in a country where you will never end up on the street. Maybe grim in a bedsit for a few months, but better than what you currently have.

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:37

I'm ok, I just feel worn down, so worn down and very very tired.
Dh barely bothers with ds, he was away last week, came home Friday lunch time and went straight to the golf course. He got home at 7.30pm when ds was in bed. Ds was desperate to see his dad - he always is - and gets nothing much back in return.

I'm just in a place I can't see a way out of, I guess women's aid would be a good port of call. I'm scared to take the first step, silly isn't it?

OP posts:
thebodylovesspring · 06/05/2014 20:39

FFs op he sounds a complete and utter bastard.

Get advice, plan your escape while he is in a trip away, put the pets in kennels or with friends, take your ds get any financial documents and go.

What could be worse than this life with this utter cunt.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/05/2014 20:39

op please call women's aid or start reaching out for help. This is no way to live Sad. Thanks

ShoeWhore · 06/05/2014 20:39

OP I think you need to bide your time a little and make a plan. Don't go anywhere without your Ds.

First stop Women's Aid. They will know exactly what you should do and what you are entitled to.
Going to see your GP and telling them everything is also a good idea, I think.
Then probably free consultations with a few solicitors.
It would also be a good idea to start gathering together/making copies of key documents - passports, financial stuff etc.

Breathe not a word to dh. Make sure he can't find this thread either.

Good luck. You deserve so much better.

thebodylovesspring · 06/05/2014 20:40

Have you friends/family support? Xx

ShoeWhore · 06/05/2014 20:40

Is there anyone trustworthy you can talk to IRL?

somedizzywhore1804 · 06/05/2014 20:42

Agree you need to talk to someone in RL. Have you got your parents or siblings nearby?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:45

I'm scared to take the first step, silly isn't it?

Take each step as it comes, try not to think too much.

Tomorrow or now if they are open, call womens aid and go from there, little tiny steps, its not a mountain, its a little tiny step forward. I am sure womans aid will hand hold you for all the rest....

Yes is is silly, but how many women have felt like you, and been in abusive relationships, leaving people, realising your DH is a bastard is not easy! If it was no one would stay. Its more complicated...many sadly, thousands of women have trod your path...and felt scared, silly, un worthy....

Keep things simple, evidence of money, bank accounts, pay slips, any out goings, mortagage etc...receipts from your family spending and so on, photos, sentimental items, passports..

and womans aid.

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:46

My parents would help but I don't want to put it all on them, they are already spread thinly looking after their own aged parents.
They would help though.

OP posts:
BookabooSue · 06/05/2014 20:46

Please do go the CAB or Women's Aid or to see a solicitor. The legal situation varies slightly depending on whether you are in England or Scotland but regardless of where you are there is lots of support available.

Fairylea · 06/05/2014 20:48

I think your parents would feel worse knowing they could have helped and you didn't give them the opportunity. (As you say they would help). If your ds was in this relationship you'd move heaven and earth for him wouldn't you? That's what (good) parents are for :) ... talk to womens aid and your parents. Let them help.

MizK · 06/05/2014 20:48

He is lying to you when he says that good lawyers will block access to your son. However if you did just leave, it could look bad when it comes to custody etc. don't leave your DS even for a night as your DH sounds like he would use anything against you that he could.
Is he happy in the marriage? would he not see,if you sat and told him how unhappy you are, that being married is totally wrong for you both? You deserve so much better and he can't treat you like the help - for starters, if you were a nanny you would earn more than he gives you now.
Speak to friends if you can. You shouldn't have to suffer alone and let him seem like the generous provider, when in reality he sounds like a controlling selfish dick.

WipsGlitter · 06/05/2014 20:50

What did he say when you asked for more money?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 06/05/2014 20:51

I think your parents would feel worse knowing they could have helped and you didn't give them the opportunity

We do not know your situ with your parents op, but I would say right now, yours and your sons welfare and safety are top priority.

I would be devastated in my DC couldnt turn to me at such a time of need...

do they have any idea of the issues?

Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:52

He's just really unpleasant and I tend to back down.
I know that makes me weak btw, but he is also a bully. I'm I'm a weak position because I'm financially dependant on him, he holds the cards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downanddefintielyout · 06/05/2014 20:52

My parents know some but not all of it. They don't know about the threatening to tell lies about me or threatening to kill the pets.

OP posts: