Wedding Dilemma - probably being unreasonable

[Ooohpretty]

Ok this will be long and I have NC'd as the details may out me!

My sister is getting married - she's older than me and I am very happy for her. We live in separate areas of the country and I haven't seen much of her since she met her fiancé (fair enough).

The wedding is at a hotel - very very nice. I have a DS with autism and she rang a while ago throwing ideas around (like would he cope abroad). Anyway I kind of said do whatever and I will get him through but to be aware that the timeframe she was looking at (June to Oct) was as he moved to secondary school and that we (professionals and I) were very very worried about how he would cope.

The wedding has been booked in the same week he leaves primary school.

Clearly it's her day and we are not her main concern which is fine. I have the choice to go or not.

In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves

I don't want to go - the hassle, the preparation, up-ending my son, the family issue and not to mention the cost (hotel is £250 a night).... I just don't want to go.

I know I am being unreasonable but I wondered how much? It's a wedding and I am close family - are they ever going to speak to me again?

I hope that you can get a friend to help and go on your own as that sounds the least stressful!

Sarinka

Your mums story has really touched me. I don't want to say I feel sorry for her because i doubt she feels she has given anything up that any parent would but wow...

And I hear your warning - it's on my radar I promise but thankfully compared to what your mum has coped with the support is much better.

*wouldnt even - sorry

I second that.

I'm so pleased you're getting nearer a solution that will suit everyone. Now you just need to give the awkward relative(s) the wrong address or the wrong date and all will be well...

Thought I would do a 'final' update.

My sister rang to say the invites were coming out.
She said that she had had a think about our relative and invited two of her friends. They are in charge of being her bodyguard and are briefed. Issues are expected but will be managed and no one in the family will be responsible for managing her. Big respect to those people.

Then she asked about DS - she was concerned. Size of the hotel, the day, the guests... she said that all she cared about was his happiness. Then she added that no matter what I did with my invite she loved me and admired how DS came first in everything I do.

I cried... I said I wanted to be home with DS but really didnt want to miss her wedding. She cried and said she loved us both very much and that wasn't changing because of damn wedding invite.

So no pressure and I have decided to stay home.

Head teacher was very relieved!

Thank you for all the comments on the thread - if things change towards the end. If DS is coping (things are very difficult at the moment) then I will be added back on the list to attend but ultimately DS comes first for us all.

You and your sister sound lovely OP - glad you found a resolution. Maybe you and your DS can send a special video message to your sister and find a way to celebrate her wedding in a way that will suit you all.

My strong feeling is yanbu, it's your sister's wedding. It's a time for family, joining two families and if your mum is difficult even more reason why the bride would want her sister (presumably the sane part of her family) there. I would be devestated if my brother didn't come to my wedding and vice versa. If there were difficult people at the wedding from my family I would expect my role to include managing them to a certain extent to protect the bride. It's simply a kind sisterly thing to do. I suppose it depends how much you value your sister.
That said I was surprised to see how many people thought it was better not to go because of an end of term party for your little boy (not trying to down play how important this is to him) and I do not have experience with how difficult this might be for an autistic child. Further, it seems you have not a lot of support with your boy and that might make it even harder for you/him. So I suppose only you know how hard this is really going to be on the two of you but I would move heaven and earth to get there for my sister.

Oops sorry I hadn't RTFT. Glad you have a resolution OP. Your sister sounds lovely, you should treasure her.

Zamboni

I had forgotten about the wedding video message until I reread the thread last night but it's a brilliant idea and we will be doing it

Thanks everyone

I don't think you would be unreasonable if you decide not to go. Maybe the fact I don't like weddings has something to do with it but honestly people invite you and you either accept or decline. I declined an invite to my sons wedding as I didn't want to travel to the long haul destination they wanted.

Yabu sorry. You sister deserves her day. And expecting her to avoid June til Oct is frankly too much. Can't comment on the family stuff as mine are very civilised and normal.
Are you going to do nothing every weekend because of this transition?
And as for the leaver nonsense... its primary school not graduating university fgs

And as for the leaver nonsense... its primary school not graduating university fgs

You've never had to deal with an autistic child and 'change' have you?