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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Dilemma - probably being unreasonable

141 replies

Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 11:24

Ok this will be long and I have NC'd as the details may out me!

My sister is getting married - she's older than me and I am very happy for her. We live in separate areas of the country and I haven't seen much of her since she met her fiancé (fair enough).

The wedding is at a hotel - very very nice. I have a DS with autism and she rang a while ago throwing ideas around (like would he cope abroad). Anyway I kind of said do whatever and I will get him through but to be aware that the timeframe she was looking at (June to Oct) was as he moved to secondary school and that we (professionals and I) were very very worried about how he would cope.

The wedding has been booked in the same week he leaves primary school. ConfusedConfused

Clearly it's her day and we are not her main concern which is fine. I have the choice to go or not.

In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves Wink

I don't want to go - the hassle, the preparation, up-ending my son, the family issue and not to mention the cost (hotel is £250 a night).... I just don't want to go.

I know I am being unreasonable but I wondered how much? It's a wedding and I am close family - are they ever going to speak to me again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 14:20

You know what this thread has been brilliant...

I would never have considered going alone but I think I am going to - means I can support my sister, accompany my dad and DS will be ok.

I am going to approach my sister and plan a day with her and her partner with DS to celebrate her marriage. I will get DS to film and edit his own message for the wedding (thank you whoever said that!).

Best of both worlds! Might even take a friend as my plus one Smile

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 14:21

Yes, autistic people just outgrow it so you can bankrupt yourself for some poxy over-blown party abroad, OP.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 14:23

You're a little ray of sunshine, aren't you?

The wedding isn't abroad, and the OP seems pretty much to have decided what do do, as well as pointing out her sister isn't the entitled so-and-so some seem to have decided she must be.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 14:25

Expat

Don't rise to it. It's not worth it.

I see that you understand where I am coming from though and I appreciate that Thanks

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 14:26

Yes, autistic people just outgrow it so you can bankrupt yourself for some poxy over-blown party abroad, OP.

No need to be so dramatic expat.

A tank of fuel and a few soft drinks is hardly going to bankrupt the OP and I didn't say her son would grow out of his condition, only that it might change, be that for the better or worse, in 15 months.

UncleT · 05/05/2014 14:28

Really unreasonable to have not been much clearer at an earlier stage, sorry. I completely acknowledge the serious difficulties you're worrying about, but unfortunately this is partly your own fault. There's no way from the discussions you describe that your sister would have thought there was so serious a danger of you not coming, when basically you just said 'get on with it and we'll cope regardless'.

5madthings · 05/05/2014 14:34

The op has said it will prob cost her £1000 and even if it was only £100 you have no idea whether she can afford it or not!

Op your alternative plans sound good, who do you think can have your ds? Do you think he will be ok being left?

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 14:38

Not sure how it got up to £1,000 from the original £250- that sounded a bit of an exaggeration- but there is a much cheaper alternative which it sounds like the OP will go with and everyone will be happy.

Sicaq · 05/05/2014 14:49

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty if you decide (entirely reasonably) that attending is not viable. I'm in the "It's just a wedding" camp here. In the end, weddings are just parties. The bride and groom already know in their minds whether or not they are committed: a wedding does not itself create a marriage.

Best of luck to you and you son, whatever you choose. Hope the family understand either way.

diddl · 05/05/2014 14:52

Hope it works out for you OP.

Sometimes you get stuck in a way of thinking (eg not going alone) & other ways just don't occur to you.

sarahquilt · 05/05/2014 14:57

Whatever way you swing it you have to go. It's a sibling's wedding. My brother didn't turn up to mine and while we have (after 3 years) reconciled, I'll never fully trust him or forgive him for it.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 16:13

The only things you have to do in life are pay taxes and die.

If your sibling is so self-absorbed that one day out of their lives, for a party no less, is the lynchpin in your entire relationship, you are better off without such an inflexible, self-centred person in your life, anyway.

rookiemater · 05/05/2014 16:23

OP - I'm delighted Mumsnet has given you new ideas.

Expat I generally agree with most of the things you post, but I feel you are being quite harsh here. The sister sounds very accommodating - phoning up OP to try to get the right dates, wanting to send photos of the wedding venue to see if it would be suitable for OP DS. It's obvious she wants OP and her DS to feel comfortable there.

I'm sure that the sister would not fall out with the OP if she doesn't attend, but it wouldn't be surprising if she felt a little put out - it's natural to want our loved ones to share our special occasions.

If the sister ends up having DCs of her own, I'm sure she will probably understand why the OP ended up coming on her own because of the circumstances, but to decline 15 months in advance without trying to explore options, would, if it were me, feel a little bit hurtful.

quietbatperson · 05/05/2014 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 16:50

expat, I've no idea where you are getting this stuff from.

The OP has said her sister isn't that sort of person at all.

PiperRose · 05/05/2014 16:57

I think YABU. It seems clear to me that there are other reasons apart from your son, I think you just don't want to go. If that's the case grow a spine and tell her, I be furious though.

PiperRose · 05/05/2014 17:00
  • I'd be. (That was not my attempt at some sort of Middle English)
MooncupGoddess · 05/05/2014 17:06

OP - you and your sister both sound lovely (a nice change from so many wedding threads!).

Sounds like you have some good options here to show your sister you care about her while not wrecking your son's last week at primary.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 17:17

Mooncup

Thank you - we are just thrust into difficult circumstances but we have generally figured it out and remained good friends even though as sisters we are very different and there are 10yrs between us too Smile

Piper

I think you missed the posts where MN (Fluffy initially then many others) suggested I go alone on the day which I hadn't really considered seriously and have decided is an excellent idea Smile

OP posts:
giggly · 05/05/2014 17:22

The thing I never understand about weddings is if the bride/groom really want you to attend their wedding why would they expect anyone to fork out £ 250 a night for a room in the hotel they choose Confused I just don't get that.

I would be putting my son first, your sister must be aware of your sons needs and as an adult must accept that they come before her wedding which face it is only a day as opposed to days of potential upset for her nephew.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 17:49

expat do you read the word 'wedding' in a thread title and decide the bride and groom must be 'inflexible and self-centred' by default for having the audacity to invite people to join their celebration?

Your comments are way off the mark in this instance.

The bride couldn't have been more flexible or accommodating as she asked the OP what would and wouldn't be possible.

The problem came from the fact the OP basically said anything goes, including travelling abroad, and then decided even one day in this country was too much.

It'll be interesting to see what happens as I do think the last but one paragraph in the OP is the truth of it - it says 'I don't want to go' twice.

There's now a way round the issue with her son but the other factors remain.

CoffeeTea103 · 05/05/2014 17:53

Expat you sound very unhinged. How did you draw such ott and ridiculous conclusions about the op and her sister. Seems like you have some bitterness against weddings and you went totally off the mark here.

Op I'm glad you were able to find a solution. Smile

Rainbowshine · 05/05/2014 17:54

At the end of the day, you are responsible for your son's welfare, but you are not responsible for how your family behave or react - your mum, sister and the rest are adults and presumably have no issues that would prevent them from having to take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.

Therefore any decision should be about what's best for your son. Forget about anyone else.

I liked the idea that if you couldn't go, to have a special day with your sister and her husband with DS doing something DS enjoys. Perhaps then the fiancée (who I think you said is sceptical about the autism) will see how much work is required looking after him.

Also if you go on your own, will that make the family (mum) issues worse?

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 18:33

Rainbow

It might actually ease the family issues if it's just me. I can keep a closer eye on my dad for a start SmileWinkSmile

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 18:39

'Expat you sound very unhinged'

LOL! But not the poster who can 'never forgive' her brother for missing her wedding. FFS. One day after an entire existence and it's unforgivable to miss it.

What is flexible about a £250/night hotel for a wedding?

People totally lose their heads when it comes to so many weddings you read about on here, it almost sounds made up but sadly is not.

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