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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Dilemma - probably being unreasonable

141 replies

Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 11:24

Ok this will be long and I have NC'd as the details may out me!

My sister is getting married - she's older than me and I am very happy for her. We live in separate areas of the country and I haven't seen much of her since she met her fiancé (fair enough).

The wedding is at a hotel - very very nice. I have a DS with autism and she rang a while ago throwing ideas around (like would he cope abroad). Anyway I kind of said do whatever and I will get him through but to be aware that the timeframe she was looking at (June to Oct) was as he moved to secondary school and that we (professionals and I) were very very worried about how he would cope.

The wedding has been booked in the same week he leaves primary school. ConfusedConfused

Clearly it's her day and we are not her main concern which is fine. I have the choice to go or not.

In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves Wink

I don't want to go - the hassle, the preparation, up-ending my son, the family issue and not to mention the cost (hotel is £250 a night).... I just don't want to go.

I know I am being unreasonable but I wondered how much? It's a wedding and I am close family - are they ever going to speak to me again?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 13:29

You have genuine reason to be worried that it's going to mess up your sons transition, and that really does have to come first.

It's shit, but your son is more important than your sister.

maddening · 05/05/2014 13:33

is it not poss to drive down in the morning, go to wedding and wedding breakfast then drive home 6ish when it is the pre-evening do lull?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 13:34

5mad - I take your point, and I did acknowledge in my first post that I thought the OP was right about her son taking priority.

I just don't think she should let her sister know she thinks the adults should 'manage themselves'. It'd be much better to keep this being about her son's needs and let her sister feel she wanted to be supportive even if she couldn't manage. IMO, anyway.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 13:34

OP, is your son in mainstream or special needs school? If it's the latter, can you seek advice from parents or teachers who have been in similar situations. Surely not all parents with autistic children miss every family event because if it.

Is your son's father on the scene? Could he look after him for the day?

If you went to the wedding on your own and left at 9.30pm you'd still be home by midnight.

If you were able to make arrangements whereby your son could avoid attending the wedding, not miss any end of term event and you were happy he was being looked after, I still don't think you'd want to go to the wedding which is the real crux of the problem.

It does sound like you are using your sons condition as an excuse because you just don't want to go.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 05/05/2014 13:34

How rude would it be for you and ds to just go to the ceremony? No overnight stay and no reception. You could maybe treat them to a post honeymoon meal. That way you are still recognising and celebrating their marriage but maybe working with your ds too.

diddl · 05/05/2014 13:35

Apart from your son being more important, I wouldn't go on the basis that she wants you to manage family members!!

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:36

My sister is not entitled or arsey at all.

The family issues are historic and we have equally, as sisters been caught up in them. I can't prevent them happening LRD and my sister recognised that herself - what she wants me to do just do as I have always done and rise above it regardless of how bad it gets. My response was my only focus will be supporting DS and my sis said well they need to grow up but we both know that isn't going to happen.

My sister and I are good friends - we've been through a lot but we have very very different lives now so inevitably we will 'miss' where the other is at. I don't want to upset her or not go but I just don't know how I am going to manage all of this.

And Bear I can't afford it - not really - I am saving from now but the harsh truth is the £1000 I will need could pay for 20hrs support from a specialist teacher (we have exhausted what's on offer and he's plateauing)... I wouldn't dreaming of saying that to my sister and she will probably help me out anyway but yes cost is an issue

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 13:39

It sounds as if she will understand, then, TBH.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:41

Actually Bear you clearly missed my post where I said if the wedding happened to co-incide with the event then I would be sorted as he would be happy at his thing and I could go to the wedding alone.

I also said I might travel there and back in the day if I could arrange a friend to have him though and perhaps arrange him a special treat.

He's in mainstream potentially moving to special.

OP posts:
ThatsAStupidUsername · 05/05/2014 13:42

How about suggesting a separate special wedding celebration with you sister, her DP and your son. Perhaps they could visit you and you could all do an activity that your son would like and then go for a fancy meal together. If your son wouldn't enjoy a fancy meal perhaps he could go to a friends or have someone mind him for a few hours. It would be far more relaxing and enjoyable and you would actually be able to chat to your DSis and her DP.

Bogeyface · 05/05/2014 13:44

Think of this in its real terms.

It isnt a wedding issue, it is a health issue. Your sister will have to manage the family problems herself if she is choosing to invite a PITA who she knows will cause trouble. She doesnt have to invite them after all, does she?

Your issue is your sons health. He cannot cope with this event so he cant go, end of. They clearly see it as just one day because they dont see what you and he go through the rest of the time, thats not your problem, and how they react isnt your problem either.

What IS your problem is getting your son through such a traumatic time with as little pain and disruption as possible, a wedding simply doesnt fit into that plan.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:45

LRD - she will understand - that I am certain...

Her fiancé, my father, my aunts, uncles, etc, etc... less so and judging from some of the responses on here there may be some very strong feeling about it...

OP posts:
FunLovinBunster · 05/05/2014 13:45

Sorry, Ooh, I wasn't saying your sister is arsey and or entitled.
I meant people who insist that one goes to their wedding, and one declines, and they get all a&e as a result. It was an answer to posters saying that YABU not to go. Apologies.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:46

I think all the alternatives are fab BTW... Giving me lots of hope that it's not a be all or end all Smile

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 13:49

I didn't miss that post oohpretty but you went on to say The issue is not a 'leaving party' but the whole process that has already started......So it's not about choosing one event over another So it appeared that you hadn't decided to go alone if it was possible.

You are now saying you can't afford it either. How did you ever think you'd afford something abroad?

I don't mean to sound harsh but you had an opportunity to set out what you could and couldn't do when your sister consulted you on it and you pretty much agreed to anything.

The date/ location could have been much worse. It could have been abroad or within the first few weeks of term at the new school.

One day at a venue 2 and a half hours away doesn't sound like a big ask to me.

HearMyRoar · 05/05/2014 13:50

The problem with this sort of question on mn is that people have wildly different ideas of how important a wedding is to attend. Some people think not attending a family members wedding is the worst possible thing you could ever do and completely unforgivable no matter the circumstances. Other people think a wedding is basically a nice party for 2 people which its good to attend if you can but no big deal if you don't.

So the real question is what camp do you and your sister fall into? Because if it's the first then no difficulty will be considered adequate excuse for not going and you will be roundly condemned for even considering it. If she is more relaxed about the whole business then she will understand if you explain and just say you can't make it.

Unfortunately nobody except you and your sister can know this, so you really aren't going to get a final answer here.

For what it's worth I wouldn't go to a wedding in your circumstances not would i expect someone to come to mine, but then I didn't invite anyone to mine anyway and think weddings are basically a bit tedious and meh. Your sister may feel otherwise

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:51

It's ok Fun I just didn't want anyone to thing I thought it!
I love my sister to pieces even though we are polar opposites in terms of our lives Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:58

But Bear the 'event' everyone was referring to, as I said, didn't involve parents...

It was fluffy that said going there and back in a day which I hadn't considered - in fact I hadn't considered going without DS until this thread...

Perhaps that is what you are picking up on... But yes I would go without DS if I can make that work for him.

(And cost will still be an issue which as a grown up I will manage but does not change that I will be saving up for the next 15 months)

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 14:04

Eh, so it's not even this July, it's next July????

Bloody hell, I definitely think you are being unreasonable- lots of things can change in that time.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/05/2014 14:05

My answer to wedding abroad

'Oh my dear god!'

Then I said I would do my best but could not make any promises and would not be able to take my son out of school which other families members had said too.

I think this is quite clear. When asked about abroad OP's primary worry was her DS. Money has always been a secondary issue but often you mention the primary issue.
£250 is a lot for a wedding hotel. We ruled out one place partly because the rooms were £150 as opposed to £90-£120 elsewhere. I would agree in principle to a wedding without expecting the rooms to cost £250 and find somewhere else to stay if they did.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/05/2014 14:06

"Bloody hell, I definitely think you are being unreasonable- lots of things can change in that time."

Like what?

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 14:11

I think I have said repeatly it's 15months away...

Yes a lot can change but the amount of progress my DS will make is negligible if any at all in terms of rigidity, emotional literacy and acceptance of change Hmm

That's why school and I are planning now.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 14:14

Weddings are voluntary and, all too often, silly over-blown demonstrations of self-absorption, particularly ones abroad that cost a bomb.

Say no, be done with it.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 14:16

Like what?

In 15 months:-

Her sons condition could improve so he may more easily cope with a wedding
Heaven forbid, but his condition could worsen and the OP would have to bow out because of it
The bride and groom could split up

There's loads of things that could happen.

The OP is seriously overthinking this. There are lots of options even if all facts stay as they are.

If her son stays with someone and the OP drives there and back in a day the cost would be a tank of petrol, a few soft drinks and a wedding present- not too much of a stretch to save for over 15 months for your sisters wedding.

The bride obviously wants her sister there or she wouldn't have consulted her on the original plans or given her 15 months notice on what she's decided.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 14:19

I think I have said repeatly it's 15months away...

You haven't, you've repeatedly said June to October which most people will have assumed meant this year.