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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Dilemma - probably being unreasonable

141 replies

Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 11:24

Ok this will be long and I have NC'd as the details may out me!

My sister is getting married - she's older than me and I am very happy for her. We live in separate areas of the country and I haven't seen much of her since she met her fiancé (fair enough).

The wedding is at a hotel - very very nice. I have a DS with autism and she rang a while ago throwing ideas around (like would he cope abroad). Anyway I kind of said do whatever and I will get him through but to be aware that the timeframe she was looking at (June to Oct) was as he moved to secondary school and that we (professionals and I) were very very worried about how he would cope.

The wedding has been booked in the same week he leaves primary school. ConfusedConfused

Clearly it's her day and we are not her main concern which is fine. I have the choice to go or not.

In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves Wink

I don't want to go - the hassle, the preparation, up-ending my son, the family issue and not to mention the cost (hotel is £250 a night).... I just don't want to go.

I know I am being unreasonable but I wondered how much? It's a wedding and I am close family - are they ever going to speak to me again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 12:07

Fluffy it's not a stupid suggestion at all Smile

It's a possibility - depends on timings of the day (if wedding is mid afternoon then possibly not). It's about a 2 & half hr drive so not awful.

The ideal really is that the 'extra-circular' activity is that weekend as it doesn't involve parents so DS would be doing what he expects to be doing and I can go to the wedding

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 12:09

Bear - a leavers party might not feel like a significant life event to an adult but to a child it is where as a wedding is a grown up thing and children are a bit 'meh' about it

OP posts:
Picturesinthefirelight · 05/05/2014 12:14

Missing the year 6 leavers party is a huge big deal to a child

Dd missed here (she had dress rehearsal for her stagecoach show & she was also leaving stagecoach that term too) & she was so disappointed

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 12:15

I can understand your concerns about your son and I think you've got a point there. However, I don't agree with you at all here:

'In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves.'

When I got married, I knew my mother was quite likely to throw a temper tantrum, because she does that. I looked to each of my other family members in the hope they would help me manage this. None of them would.

And yes, she threw a tantrum, and yes, to be honest, it really spoiled a lot of my day. And I still resent my brothers and my dad for refusing to get involved. It is one day when you want to feel your family cares.

It is also, by the way, difficult and humiliating to be 'managing' people while you're getting married. Everyone is looking at you and anything you do draws attention. It's much harder to do quiet behind-the-scenes diplomacy and smoothing over edges.

So from that perspective, I do think you are being unfair. It's the sort of favour I would have really appreciated from a member of my family and it still makes me angry they couldn't be bothered.

Joysmum · 05/05/2014 12:16

Speak to the school about what would actually be being missed. Nothing would have been missed on my DD's last week at school. In fact her last week at school was far less important than the 3 months till Christmas whilst she was still trying to settle in.

Sounds to me like you just don't want to go and are looking for an out.

StUmbrageinSkelt · 05/05/2014 12:16

Christ oh bloody Jesus wept oh my fecking god.

NO NO NO NO NO.

NO

AND A SIDEORDER OF JUST NO.

His transition to high school is what matters. She was given the dates, she has unrealistic expectations and NO. It is beyond unfair to expect this of him especially if he is being wheeled out to be wonder not really autistic child while you stage manage other family dramas.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 12:17

But you don't know for sure the leavers event is the same weekend as the wedding?

I'm very anti-bridezillas but your sister spoke to you about options beforehand and you told her you'd basically be able to manage anything so she's not being unreasonable.

If you'd ruled out key weekends at that stage and she'd gone ahead and booked the wedding on one of them, then I'd see your point.

Also, your OP wasn't just about your son- you just don't want to go to the wedding.

If you were my sister I'd find that very hard to forgive.

CoffeeTea103 · 05/05/2014 12:18

Sorry op but I think you are being very unreasonable. Your reasons, as difficult as they are, IMO not good enough to miss your sisters wedding. I think one day you will look back and regret it, not to mention you will hurt your sisters feelings!

DebbieOfMaddox · 05/05/2014 12:21

YANBU to be very concerned at the idea of having to get your DS through the wedding at that time, or to want him not to go.

But YABU to have said "do whatever and I will get him through" and now be complaining at the idea of having to get him through when she does whatever. All your concerns are perfectly valid, but you had a chance to bring them all up, and to say "No, we just won't be able to do anything that involves A, B or C, or that happens in this range of dates" when you and your sister had your throwing ideas around session.

I think Fluffy's suggestion is probably best, if you have a suitable friend and it wouldn't upset your DS too much -- unless you luck out and the activity is that weekend.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 12:21

Actually LRD it's not that I can't be bothered but that she (also my mother) is unmanageable.

Ours, like yours, is likely to have a diva strop no matter what I or anyone else does. That my sister is realistic about as I have had that conversation.

My mere presence is likely to set her off so what my sister was in reality asking me to do is to keep a low profile and manage the spread of vitriol... I can not manage her and for that fact neither can anyone else.

There is actually an argument that me not being there will solve a lot of issues. However she will no doubt then choose one of the other family members to have a strop about

OP posts:
diddl · 05/05/2014 12:22

I don't think that yabu at all!!

Managing your son is much more important.

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 12:22

OP also told her sister that she and the professionals were very very worried about how her ds would cope so she should be aware that that time frame was likely to be a stressful one.

OP is in a horrible position here, but if she chooses not to go their there's nothing for the sister to forgive. If someone can't see that their own sister is going through a particularly stressful time with their child and still believes that their own celebration should come above a child's needs, then they are a very selfish person.

diddl · 05/05/2014 12:24

My sister didn't come to my wedding.

Was pissed off at the time, but as my husband pointed out-we would be married whether she was there or not, & that was actually the point of the day!

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 12:29

but woowoo, the time frame spreads over 5 months and the OP told her sister she'd manage whatever her plans were.

I'm not pretending to understand how hard it is to have a child with autism but surely there are always going to be stressful times throughout the school calendar (new term/ new teachers etc) and you can't legislate for them all.

The sister isn't being selfish at all- it sounds like she tried to factor in potential problems and find solutions from the beginning but the OP said that anything would be fine.

specialsubject · 05/05/2014 12:29

it is only a wedding. No-one has to go.

the OP has major barriers stopping her going to this party. So she doesn't go.

the sister will still be married.

sense of proportion, people!

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 12:31

I'm probably being a bit hard implying that the sister is selfish. She's probably lovely. But if so, she will understand the difficulty this will give her sister and her son, and be accepting and understanding whatever the OP decides.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 12:31

Actually I said I could get him through whatever BUT that he would be transitioning that year... I explained what the meant, what the concerns were and whilst I didn't say 'don't book the date 2 days before he leaves primary school' I also didn't expect that I was that unlucky to happen.
When we talked about the other things - I factored in him being unsettled but just not that close to the end - he's never been accepted by a setting like he has here and he's building, for the first time ever, positive relationships with peers and adults. I want him to have a positive end and cope because then he will believe in himself a but more.

But ultimately I know it's not something that is recognised and I will be seen as unreasonable. Perhaps I am? Perhaps I need to pay something into my wider family.

I am going to think very seriously about Fluffy's suggestion and perhaps arrange a get together for his friends that weekend with one of my amazing friends as my stand in

OP posts:
FunLovinBunster · 05/05/2014 12:33

YANBU OP.
Why all the hysteria from some of the posters telling you that you should go to the wedding?? It's only a bloody wedding FGS and if your son's routine and happiness are going to be adversely affected than I would put your child first and do what's right for them. And a professional has flagged it too.
The bride is an adult FFS and can look after herself. OPs child depends on his mother.
OP if you want to decline then please do so and don't beat yourself up with guilt over it.

FunLovinBunster · 05/05/2014 12:35

I don't think you owe your family anything OP. Your commitment is to your DCs and DP.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 12:38

If your sister doesn't have children it probably never occurred to her that there would be a leaving party on over that weekend. Today's adults never had leavers parties/ proms at the end of term, it was all board games and faffing around.

Finding a way to go to the wedding without your son does sound like the best option.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 12:40

special - yes, it's only a wedding.

But it's pretty horrible to get married and feel that your family don't care.

I think it's important to have a sense of proportion about that, too. You can't easily make up for something like this.

I do think it is ridiculous to call this 'hysteria'. The OP got it wrong telling her sister she'd work around him. They should be able to work that out between them and obviously she has good reason to be worried about her son. But she doesn't, IMO, have good reason to step back from supporting her sister, I think. It seems selfish to justify that.

rookiemater · 05/05/2014 12:43

I'm a little confused about the time-frames.

It's a weekend, but there may be some sort of end of school weekend disco ? Is that right?

Is it worth going to the head teacher now you know the exact date and getting his/her take on it? I think until you know that information, it's hard to make a definitive response as it is your sister's wedding and you should make every attempt to go there, but not if it means that your DS misses out on an important event.

rookiemater · 05/05/2014 12:45

The other thing is that it is obviously important to your Dsis that you are there - that's why she phoned in advance to check dates.

I know that hindsight is a marvellous thing, but tbh it will look a bit churlish now if you turn round and say that you can't go because of Ds's leaving do.

I'd ring up the school pronto or speak to them to find out the date.

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 12:47

I agree with LRD re the 'hysteria' comment.

It is not hysterical to suggest that someone should make an effort to attend their own sisters wedding, particularly when the bride has tried to accommodate her nephews needs, only to be told that the OP will manage anything.

As I've said, I don't know what it's like to have a child with autism, but surely you can't avoid situations that deviate from a routine indefinitely. With plenty of advanced warning is it not possible to plan for an event like this?

BearWithBearWith · 05/05/2014 12:48

Am I right in thinking you asked your sister not to get married within term time?

And she has planned Wedding during (the last few days of) term time?

If that's the case YNBU. Sister or not,whether she understands what life with an autistic child is like or not,sh asked what you could manage -you to?d her- and she has booked out with your request.

Therefore she has put you in this position and you are NBU.

If I have understood this to be correct-my brain's not switched on for some reason today.