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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Dilemma - probably being unreasonable

141 replies

Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 11:24

Ok this will be long and I have NC'd as the details may out me!

My sister is getting married - she's older than me and I am very happy for her. We live in separate areas of the country and I haven't seen much of her since she met her fiancé (fair enough).

The wedding is at a hotel - very very nice. I have a DS with autism and she rang a while ago throwing ideas around (like would he cope abroad). Anyway I kind of said do whatever and I will get him through but to be aware that the timeframe she was looking at (June to Oct) was as he moved to secondary school and that we (professionals and I) were very very worried about how he would cope.

The wedding has been booked in the same week he leaves primary school. ConfusedConfused

Clearly it's her day and we are not her main concern which is fine. I have the choice to go or not.

In addition there are lots of wider family issue - historically my sister and I meet on common ground to rise above the nonsense our family causes. She would like me to 'manage' the issues on her day so she doesn't have to... I agree she doesn't have to but I can't see why the grown ups can't manage themselves Wink

I don't want to go - the hassle, the preparation, up-ending my son, the family issue and not to mention the cost (hotel is £250 a night).... I just don't want to go.

I know I am being unreasonable but I wondered how much? It's a wedding and I am close family - are they ever going to speak to me again?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 12:49

The sister much be expecting that some people won't go anyway when she's chosen a venue that will cost anyone £250 a night for before they've even thought about travel.

BearWithBearWith · 05/05/2014 12:50

'You told her' I mean. See, no brain.

rookiemater · 05/05/2014 12:52

Bear from the first post it seemed to me as if the OP said that the entire period could be tricky, but Dsis was to go ahead and OP would work round her.

drinkyourmilk · 05/05/2014 12:53

I think you need to put your son's needs first here. Be blunt with your sister about this.
If you think your son can cope with the wedding and the ensuing last week at school then go. Otherwise politely decline. Maybe you can send a 'have a great day' recording from you and your son for the big day.
I don't think she should organise the wedding around your son's needs (and it comes across that neither do you-dont worry! Smile), but she can't expect it to be the most important thing in others lives either.
Good luck in whatever you decide, and to your son with his transition to secondary.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/05/2014 12:56

YABU OP. You told your sister you and DS would go. Had you said no at the beginning, YWNBU, but you didn't. What was your answer when she asked you if your DS would cope with a wedding abroad?

BearWithBearWith · 05/05/2014 12:56

Ah thanks rookie (are you related to tow?)

Well I guess then Op should've been more specific when sister thought to ask.

Hard to say without knowing the degree of autism/closeness of sisters/is the op looking for an excuse/will the op have to live with a long time of upheaval due to routine change.

That's something only the op knows I guess. And being upfront and polite when telling sister which choice she has made. Stick to it then (hopefully) move on.

annebullin · 05/05/2014 12:57

Would you be fined for taking your son out of school during term-time?

sarinka · 05/05/2014 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

turgiday · 05/05/2014 13:01

I can't believe some posters saying it is only a wedding. Of course for a lot of people having close family at their wedding, is very important.

Kveta · 05/05/2014 13:04

my sister didn't come to my wedding, because she didn't want to. No other reason. She pretended it was due to work commitments, then called halfway through the meal to tell me she was having a lovely weekend off Hmm

It cast a slightly sour note on the wedding for my mum, but the rest of us were a bit Hmm about it then got on with the day. She wasn't really missed.

However, you have a very good reason not to go, so there shouldn't even be a Hmm over it! I wouldn't go tbh.

diddl · 05/05/2014 13:05

"Of course for a lot of people having close family at their wedding, is very important."

But if it doesn't work for the close family, then that's tough really, isn't it?

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 13:08

Having close family at your wedding is very important for many people, but generally those people tend to choose venues in the country that their close family lives in, that won't cost them £250 a night to be there, and won't involve taking children out of school in term time.

FunLovinBunster · 05/05/2014 13:11

It IS only a wedding.
What's the big deal? Why the compulsion to attend if your circumstances prevent it,or you simply don't want to go? Why is that seen as selfish? Selfish is getting all entitled and arsey just because someone you've invited has politely declined your invitation. Is the sister going to say oh no my sister can't come so I shall cancel the wedding as I simply can't get married unless they are there?? Get a grip.
And if weddings were that special, how come 1 in 3 couples forget how fucking speshul it all was and get divorced???

middleagedspread · 05/05/2014 13:11

I think, if it were me, I'd make every effort to go. Your sister clearly wants you & your DS to be there and she's consulted you before booking.

I definitely don't think you should me 'managing' other family members though, looking after your DS should be your priority.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:14

The issue is not a 'leaving party' but the whole process that has already started - we are already working on that transition from primary to secondary in terms of planning and some work about his choices.

So it's not about choosing one event over another and I didn't name dates to my sister but made it clear what we were facing in that time frame. She wanted to an her wedding around where they went for honeymoon (as certain months are better than others for weather, etc) and to be honest I didn't feel I could dictate what she did.

What is worrying me is the closeness to the end of term and his time at that school - it adds a whole different set of pressures.

Imagine a bucket that is filling with water - you have to scoop some out and punch holes in the bottom so that the bucket doesn't overflow - generally at the end of terms the water starts coming in FAST so you have scoop faster... End of Key Stage and it's a torrent which will need more than me scooping like hell.
A wedding is like someone open a floodgate up stream and you managing a temporary deluge...

I didn't factor in managing both of those situations at the same time. When his bucket overflows it's not me that is affected but him.

I think in the end the availability of the hotel dictated the booking - it's very sort after and she mentioned there was limited choice. I would feel uncomfortable to have the wedding planned around my sons needs because ultimately whilst I will force him to go to school I won't force him to go to a wedding

OP posts:
meganorks · 05/05/2014 13:14

I understand why you don't want to go but it does sound like you sister tried really hard to understand what would work for you and your son. You could have said this particular week at the end of school was a big no no.
With regard to family dramas can you not just ignore it? I'd someone tries to wind you up, walk away. Surely if it gets too bad they cab be removed from the wedding by hotel staff. If I was your sister I think I would let the diva know as much.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 13:15

fun - we've no evidence her sister is getting arsey or entitled, as she hasn't declined yet. You're reading into it too much.

IMO it is selfish if you've a history of mutual support with difficult family members, and you choose your sister's wedding to decide you don't really fancy that.

I don't see the issue with saying that unfortunately, circumstances with the OP's DS are harder than she realized and she'll not be able to make it/may need some adjustments. But it wouldn't be on to tell the sister the difficult family members should manage themselves, and I think it's not particularly kind to think of it that way.

rookiemater · 05/05/2014 13:15

OP I know you have said that people want your DS to be there, but the fact is they also expect him not to display any visible signs of autism. I'm not sure how possible that is.

I would say with the concern around him being disturbed and the cost of the overnight stay (I know you are meant to suck it up for a wedding but £250 on one wage is quite a log), then going by yourself and returning after the ceremony is far and away the best option. It shows that you want to be there for your Dsis, but, provided you can get someone to look after your DS, won't upset him. If it's tricky finding someone, would it be a possibility to see if one of the carers for the school could do it - likely to still be less expensive ( and traumatic) than the overnight hotel stay?

I'd phone your Dsis and try to get timings.

(Oh bear I'm not sure who tow is - if it's theoriginalandbestrookie, then yes that was me - I use a lot of devices and got fed up typing it in!)

Bearbehind · 05/05/2014 13:18

but generally those people tend to choose venues in the country that their close family lives in

Where does it say the venue is abroad?

I know the bride mentioned going abroad originally but the OP said the venue is 2 and a half hours away and I assumed that meant by car.

Weddings are expensive for guests, unfortunately that's just the way it is nowadays and if you can't afford it then that's a whole different ball game.

ThatsAStupidUsername · 05/05/2014 13:20

If it's 2 1/2 hours then you could do it in a day. It would be really hard work for you but its doable. Do you have a friend who could help for a day? What about paying one of his teachers?

It's a tricky situation isn' it.

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 13:20

It doesn't Bear, my mistake! Sorry.

Original poster
Ooohpretty · 05/05/2014 13:22

My answer to wedding abroad Grin

'Oh my dear god!'

Then I said I would do my best but could not make any promises and would not be able to take my son out of school which other families members had said too.

I laid it completely on the line during the whole conversation - I made it clear that it would be difficult but I would do my upmost to attend with him... She was very supportive in that she will ask the venue for photos / visit / etc so I kind of thought I could do it.

Then I got the date and it was just a real shock. I am now really worried it will all go to shit and mess up his transition as it's so close to a significant date.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/05/2014 13:23

Can you tell a white lie and say DS has been struggling more than you expected? She'll surely understand that and it won't come across as cold feet so much.

5madthings · 05/05/2014 13:26

Eek what a nightmare, re 'managing'your mother o can see why your sister wants help with that but given you have your son to support can no one else take on the role of managing your mother?

ldr you say op should step up and manage the family issue and we're disappointed your family didn't, but the op has a child with sn's to support, it's a difficult time for him anyway, he must be her priority! So the ops sister should get someone else to deal with her mother.

It's bad timing but I guess ops sister wasn't to know, but even a week later would be better.

Have to say if I was having a big event and I really wanted certain people to attend I would so my best to make it easy for them, particularly if they had a child with special needs.

BearWithBearWith · 05/05/2014 13:26

I think you've made the right choice for you Op.

You've decided with a lot of deliberation so wasn't taken lightly.

I agree weddings are family affairs but that works both ways that I feel the wedding should be easy location and not cost guests too much and be on a day most people do not have work/other commitments.

You have your son to look after,adults can be responsible for themselves (or choose not to).

When op said she will force her son to school not a wedding that swung it for me.

For sanity pick your battles.

I wish you luck and understanding from your family but hold firm belief that you didn't come to this see decision lightly.

Rookie-I was going for the highly cultural film character known as towmater :)

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