To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

We only ever get one perspective on a thread, the OP's .

We know from op that the dh doesn't want to go, that hes told b&g that he will not go (in person, over the phone AND via text message) they declined in plenty of time BEFORE invitations had even been sent out. They gave b&g the courtesy of explaining the reasons why they were declining -imo a courtesy as you really shouldn't need to explain yourself to anyone.

Regardless of whether you would be ok with dh being 45 mind away in these circumstances. Surely what matters is that the OP AND her dh are not ok with it. And they are the ones who it is actually affecting. Not you.

The B&G sound happy to see how things go which sounds great, so why not leave the invitation open and see how you feel?

I can understand you not going around that time, though I would have done if baby hadn't come by then but I do think your DH should go, he will only be 45 mins away! They are feeling hurt and your response have seemed very much of a joint blanket no. There doesn't need to be a joint in this, you don't need to go.

A due date is not a definite schedule, you will not fall apart if your DH is 45 mins away. People spend longer in a supermarket ;) Could he not at least go to do his BM duties? Ask yourself honestly if your DH feels like he can go, does he genuinely believe that you will not mind?

I think this has the potential to be a sore point for life and really does need careful weighing up.

Congrats on your pregnancy Op.

My son's best man, turned up for the ceremony and then dashed off because his wife was in labour. I don't even think he stayed for the photographs, but he did come.

Nobody is saying a woman should have to feel 'normal' five minutes after giving birth. The skydiving / running a marathon comments are all very emotive but a bit tedious now. It's also equally extreme to say 'I couldn't cope with my husband going anywhere for weeks after I gave birth.' Such comments could be really off putting to many first time mums whose husbands will be back off to work pretty much straight away. Of course, back in the day before paternity leave husbands literally did have just the day of the Birth off! Not suggesting a return to that because actually it would have been nice for my DH to have 2 weeks rather than one day off. But let's get some perspective here. She's having a baby. If her DH wanted to attend the wedding then no reason why not... Sounds like he doesn't want to but is pussy footing around with texts. Grow a pair and get him to reply politely - not by text- declining. If you end up having the baby 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after the wedding then true, the couple might feel a bit miffed that your dh decided against coming but that's his issue to deal with- depends how much be values the friendship I guess.

Also, you say you can't understand those women who want to hide away or hibernate in the last weekday of their pregnancy , well I'm one of them! I'm 36 weeks and would not even consider going to anything remotely formal. I havnt been dressed in 3 days and am a right miserable twat to be around and have been for a few weeks!

It takes all sorts

At our wedding we got to take home the extra food, so people not showing wasn't a huge deal for us. But ours was set up in a buffet help yourself sort of style (because I hate receptions where you sit and wait and everyone gets served at different times). Not sure how theirs is set up.

In anycase, if it were my good friend I wouldn't care about spending money on a meal they couldn't eat. I'd rather have it there in case they could come.

Is this your first baby? If it is, you don't know how you'll be when you're ready to pop. You could be fine, you could be sick. I personally was fine until a few days before. You've bailed a little early IMHO. Why not just say yes, but there's a chance you may not make it and leave it at that. They could be hurt and feel like they're getting the snub from you two.

(On a personal note, if my friends bailed to "save me money" even though I offered to pay, I'd be insulted)

thing about the best man bit, I kind of don't think the groom is being unreasonable either, the stag do has been and gone, so it's not like that's going to be an issue. The OP's DH said he might be able to go for at least some of the day, assuming that's the ceremony and meal, then the groom would like him to be his best man. I can't see that other than doing a speach - he'll have much more effort that just being in the normal seats, but to the groom, it would mean a lot to have him there as best man. If there's a 'stand by' person if the OP's DH can't go, then what difference would it be to him or her if he goes and just sits in the congregation or he stands up at the front next to his best friend? If he sits in the back of the meal or sits on the top table?

But if your DH really doesn't want to go at all, and is just saying "might" to avoid having the conversation, then time to be honest, both about why he doesn't want to and that he really doesn't.

OP - on the friday before, if your DH is at work, how far away from you will he be?

I'm sorry but I had severe PND which came on rapidly after birth. It's common. As many as one in three women develop it. To say you could be "off putting" to new mum is absolutely infuriating and part of the problem.

I think YABU but you clearly don't want to listen to any posters that say you are.

I think you should stop with the 'we're only thinking of the B & G and want to save them money' because that's blatantly not the case. They have already said that they will pay for the meal, suits etc. They want you there to share their day. You are obviously very important to them so why not just say to them that you accept their invitation but obviously it will be dependent on the circumstances on the day. I don't think they can expect anything more than that.

Its 45 mins away. I cant for the life of me think why you or at least your DP couldn't go for the meal and the ceremony if the baby hadn't arrived yet. You don't have to be swinging round the dancefloor at 4am.

I don't think you could have done any more. You have been entirely reasonable. Your baby could be early or late - you have no idea and cannot plan around it. Either way you may not feel like going anyway.

I'm sure in time they'll get over it. But they are being idiots at the moment, but it sounds as if they are just disappointed.

Too right, Magic. The double standards are quite amazing here on this thread.

It's a wedding. Big fucking deal, and yes, trixy, I have very close friends. If any of them were due a baby around my wedding, I would insist they stay home with their family - men are parents, too.

It's an invitation to a wedding.

I know quite a lot about PND too, and I don't think it's helpful to imply that any new mother should be able to have her husband around- not going anywhere - for weeks after the birth. Highly unrealistic and off putting for most women whose husband will need to be back earning within 2 weeks maximum. Making her feel its some sort of failure to have a husband who is not there all the time is likely to make things worse.

I'm not going to get sidetracked into a discussion on PND though (other than to say I wish there were better medical resources for it) because that isn't relevant to the op who hasn't yet given birth

And shockingly, some men, some fathers wouldn't want to leave their wife and new child for a wedding days after their first child was born.

Imagine that? Their family trumping a mate's wedding.

What do you know about it?

Christ almighty, even if the baby was born by the wedding the father need only go to a short ceremony and a meal. We're talking a few hours to be with someone very important to you and celebrate a major milestone in their life. Just because you have a family doesn't mean that you have no time at all for other people you love. Its not a game of trumps ffs

The baby might not be born expat! Does the world stop turning on Due date? Are we all meant to stop and hold our breathe until something, anything happens!? Lots of people don't, lots of people carry on if able and not to uncomfortable.

Due dates are usually one big anti climax, I would encourage my DH to go with my complete blessing and try to arrange something at a later date for all four of us to celebrate together.

I suspect that either the DH doesn't want to go, so has been all passive and wordy with the decline, words such as 'might' do not help if it's a no, or the DH doesn't believe that he would genuinely be going with Ops blessing if he was to attend without her.

Yes it is just a 'fucking wedding' but being asked to be Best Man is a compliment and honour IMO and some effort could be made.

And would it not make her feel more of a failure if she doesn't feel like she can (understandably) not spare her DH for a few hours, regardless of the PND issue?

Personally, unless your were in labour (small chance) I would RSVP for DH only. My OH works an hour away and won't be going off work until I'm in labour, and we are fine with this, he will definitely get back to me in time.

I appreciate that you might not feel like going, but for the sake of a few hours (ceremony, dinner, speech) and the fact they want DH to be best man, it must mean a lot to them and since it's a short drive away, I would consider that.

He could get back to you within 45 mins if needed, and for that 6 or so hours, it's unlikely you will have the baby. Just let him go and not drink. I would be surprised if you had the baby on your due date, I'm sure I've read that an average gestation is 41+3.

Exactly expat which is why I've said all along if he wants to decline he should have the balls to do so. Or he could keep his options open because if his wife hasn't given birth, he might quite like to pop along to his good friends wedding for a few hours rather than sit at home. Or she may have given birth 3 weeks before, be up and about and feeling fine and be more than happy that he pops along to his mates wedding.
Doesn't have to be about anything 'trumping' anything - imagine that?

Think it would be such a shame if you went 2 weeks OD and DH could have gone. When is he stopping working? How far away from you does he work?

'The baby might not be born expat! Does the world stop turning on Due date? Are we all meant to stop and hold our breathe until something, anything happens!? Lots of people don't, lots of people carry on if able and not to uncomfortable.'

So what? She doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to go. So tell the B&G one last time, in person or on the phone, that it's a no go.

It's in invitation, not a summons.

I agree XiCi and you said it so much better than me.

Eminybob Sun 04-May-14 08:05:56
Yes there was a poem! And thank you x

Can I just draw people's attention to the fact that the bride and groom sent a poem in their invitation? I think we all know what that means.

I didn't ask whether they asked for money for their honeymoon, and though that wouldn't bother me, that would be enough to damn them to hell on MN.

OP's husband turned down best man duties in January and has repeated that several times since.

These people are loons and OP is getting a horribly hard time.

Quite apart from the fact that the happy couple might be grabby and entitled over their wedding list

The fact that there is so much disagreement on this thread and wildly varying interpretations of the situation based on the OPs posts, it's hardly surprising the OP and her DH and the couple getting married aren't seeing eye to eye over this.