To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

It's a poxy wedding.

I know it's a side issue but whoever started the uncertainty about 'bear' being wrong was foolish when they could easily have checked and found out that they were wrong. If you're going to be a grammar pedant, make sure you actually know what you're talking about!

OP, you do what you feel you want to. Sounds like both men concerned are digging their heels in now. Shame for it to spoil a friendship but unfortunately sometimes these things go off the rails. I wish your DH would ring his mate and suggest they go for a drink together and sort it all out.

I don't believe you're worried about them spending money at all, you just want to seal the deal now so no matter what happens you don't have to go even if you ARE able to.

I wouldn't want to go either but I would tell DH it was fine for him to go. I think you're being quite manipulative about tbh but not for bad reasons. You're probably terribly anxious and don't want to have to worry about that too. Don't go, I certainly wouldn't, I have zero interest in weddings, but I don't think you should try and prevent your DH from going.

I don't think any of you are being entirely unreasonable actually.

You have done everything in your power to try to avoid letting them down in terms of your DP being the best man and possibly not making it on the day if you're in labour or have a newborn. It's thoughtful of you to try to
save them money on meals/suits too, but if you were close enough to B&G for your DP to be best man, surely it's their decision to perhaps "waste" their money by keeping a spot open for you at the wedding just in case.

Also, there's probably a fairly good chance you won't have had the baby before the wedding (especially if it's your first). It was a little while ago but your comment about not being bothered (sorry, I know you didn't say that but it's sort of how it came across to me) to get dressed up and go to your friend's wedding if you're overdue is a little unreasonable.

Personally I would have accepted the invite but told them our attendance was not 100% guaranteed depending on baby's arrival. If they're happy with that, not sure why you wouldn't be. They may even have a contingency back up best man, in case you are in labour on the day or just before, but would rather your DP do it if at all possible. Your DP needs to TALK to G (not txt!).

Personally I'm not interested in weddings unless its immediate family or a really really close friend. But presumably if the op had thought it was just a 'poxy wedding' they'd have declined the invite and best man role in the first place!

So whatever any of us feel on a personal level, the OP was very excited about it and her DH agreed to be best man which kind of suggests they do care about it

Like I say, op should bow out as she doesn't seem to want to go. DH should offer to be a supporter unless op is actually giving birth. Two supporters seems preferable to a 'B' list best man as a stand in. This way it really won't matter in the unlikely event the baby arrives that day

They accepted the invitation as circumstances allowed them to go. Now they have something more important going on around the time of the wedding, so they've said they can't go. The friend is unreasonable for not accepting that they no longer want to come!

Sorry but I agree YABU.

My best friend was due 3 days after my wedding and one of hubby's closest a friends wife was due on the day. He declined being an usher, for this reason which we totally understood.

Neither of them ever said we won't come. They both accepted on the obvious understanding that they might be otherwise engaged.

I would have been gutted if they declined 'just in case'

As it was BF had her baby a few days before the wedding and wasn't able to come. Obviously I was upset she wasn't there, but I completely and utterly understood why and would never have given her spot away.

We were more than happy to potentially waste the money on their spaces, as we wanted them there, which is I'm sure how your friends feel.

They are hoping you will be there so feel the potential waste of money is worth it. The more I think of it, the more I think your using the money as an excuse to refuse. For whatever reason you don't want to go and that is your choice, but I think you should be more honest about it

I'm not going to say exactly how long ago I married but let's just say we're getting into the seriously valuable stuff on the anniversary presents.

Apart from my family, I am in regular contact with just one of my guests. I exchange xmas cards with two other couples. The rest of them don't know whether I am alive or dead, and the same goes for me.

Your wedding day seems important at the time, but it's really not the biggest/most important day of your life.

Having children is - or at least it's one of them. And a husband wanting to be with his wife, no matter how wussy or precious-first-pregnancy some posters think she's being, their opinion is all that matters.

OP and her husband have told these people to count them out. For some reason they aren't listening, but I don't think it needs any more consideration.

And as for the idea that the groom needs his special friend next to him on his big day or it'll be spoiled...

I think that's the crux of the matter isn't it - the OP and her DH aren't saying "we don't want to go" - they are saying "we might not be able to go and don't want you to waste your money" - clearly the groom is suppose to rrealise that the OP's DH is trying to politely say "I don't want to go" but the groom has taken what he has said at face value, they might not be able to go, but they therefore might be able to go. He's taken the decision he'd rather take the risk that they'd possibly waste some money.

Then both sides are getting frustrated because they don't understand what the other is saying - if the OP's DH doesn't want to be best man he needs to say this, not "I probably can't" but "I don't want to". Because if you say "I probably can't" what happens is what the groom has done, people try to find solutions to mean that you can.

As many on this thread have said, the OP's DH probably can be best man, even if it's just the ceremony and meal. It's highly unlikely the OP will be in labour or had the baby the day or two before. It could well be - as I was on my due date - you've had the baby and your DH will be back to work on that monday anyway. Or you could have another 2 weeks to go and be feeling perfectly fine.

Your DH probably can be best man, but just because he can be, doesn't mean he wants to be. If he doesn't want to be, he needs to phone (if he can't do face to face) - not text - and spell this out. Not hide behind mythical situations that might mean he can't. He doesn't want to. Be honest.

What happened to old MN standard of "Its an invitation not a summons"?

He said YY to being bestman, then things changed so he stepped down. He doesnt want to go to the wedding, neither does the OP so they have turned down the invitation.

I see no issue here at all, other than B&G dont want to hear it.

and as for I don't think you should try and prevent your DH from going., have you RTFT? The OP has said several times that her DH is the one who said no, she doesnt mind if he goes or not but he is adamant that he doesnt want to.

Getting the rage reading through this thread!

OP YANBU YANBU YANBU...and breath.

It's fantastic that some of you were able to do tandem skydives with your newborns at 3hours old. Really it is! But is it that hard to understand that a lot of people need support in the early weeks even if everything has been straightforward ?

On every other wedding/party/reception thread, all you hear is "its an invitation, not a summons. If it doesn't suit don't go'' etc. But as soon as Op's pregnancy is mentioned as the deciding factor that's suddenly not the case anymore! Your only pregnant, not ill, your a bad friend, world doesn't revolve around you... "blah Fucking blah ffs

MaryWestmacott has hit on it really. They don't want to go, but it's hard to vocalise that because it sounds a bit unreasonable.

News flash: other than your immediate family, no one gives a fuck that you are getting married.

I take it you don't have any really good friends then? Because some of my friends are like family to us if not more important than certain immediate family and I did give a fuck about them getting married and vice versa.

YANBU

No tandem skydives here, but the DH driving 45 minutes away to a wedding of a close friend? Surely most women can cope with their other half doing that, either while the woman is heavily pregnant or has given birth in recent days. Christ it's less than a working commute for many people!! Of course if he doesn't want to go, then he should just be upfront and say so.

Trouble is, as with many relationship dynamics it's difficult to 'read' the whole story here... Is the DH feeling pressured by the OP... Is she saying its fine for him to go, but with a passive aggressive undertone of '...but if you do I'll be mightily pissed off and will hold it against you.' Or is he being wet and doesn't want to go but hasn't found the balls to actually say so?

We are just a virtual audience, we can't possibly read between the lines and know exactly how each person feels. An honest conversation is required OP. If he really would like to go then of course it's possible. There's a whole month or more of when your baby might arrive and unless you are giving birth on that day then no problem. And if he really doesn't want to go he should just say so.

Totally agree with magic by the way. Very envious of the skydiving-just-given-birth brigade but that doesn't include me.

Exactly MagicMojito

I suspect that the ones who think the OP is being unreasonable are these superwomen who leapt out of bed after giving birth and ran a marathon the next day. These women will have breast fed successfully from the minute their PFB was born or they will have given them a bottle.

Or they have never had a baby.

On my wedding day, all those years ago, DH’s good friend and his wife and four children didn’t turn up.

They later cited car trouble. I didn't care, but suspected that the wife didn’t want to come because she disliked her husband’s previous life – DH won’t be insulted if I describe it as boringly unremarkable .

Things we learned subsequently confirmed that view. We’re not in contact with them any more.

DH thought the same as me but he didn’t want to voice it for some time because he was hurt. But he got over it; before the day was out, in fact. I expect OP’s groom will too. And at least she’s had the good manners to turn it down beforehand before the bride and groom lashed out on food like we did.

Never mind. When the waiters came round, there were other hungry guests who volunteered to eat the food that was going begging .

And it would have massively stressed me for DH to go anywhere in those early weeks.

Also a friend - admittedly not a close friend - invited us to her wedding when DD would have been 12 weeks old and we politely declined as just wouldn't have enjoyed it milk leaking everywhere, adapting to toddler and baby, emotions all over, sleep deprivation. She totally understood and kelt invite open just in case.

Can I just point out that the ops dh has quite clearly said no to being best man, face to face and multiple times since through text.

That's no being wishy washy about it, that's about the g clearly believing he can strong arm his way into getting what he wants.

I have a three month old baby. Agree with the poster up thread who said you would be insane to go with a newborn! Just the bleeding alone would gave prevented me from going.

And it was my first baby, one hour from first contraction to holding the baby. So it does happen fast sometimes! Bloody good job my DH was nearby or I'd have given birth alone.

In short I think YANBU OP.

I'm going to chime in again. This is what's fucking wrong with society. The ridiculous pressure but on people to be 'normal' after pushing a massive melon through a tiny orifice, massive sleep deprivation, trying to feed a baby using your own bodily fluid, adapting to the adduce psychological hurdles of becoming a mum or a mum of two - and that's if all goes swimmingly.

Of course! Go and grin at a wedding like a buffoon because you're so thrilled at the earthquake that's just occurred!

In some cultures new mum don't get out of bed for 12 weeks while everyone helps her heal from the ordeal. Because even if you run around telling everyone you had a 'perfect' birth experience, let's be realistic, it's never a picnic in the park.

Couple this with the fact OP has had a MC and may be feeling extra protective.

I feel like ringing them myself. Or when B had a baby going around on day three and dragging her to a party.

I had my first baby at 38 weeks, second at 32 weeks and third at 37 weeks.

It is highly possible you may have a 2-4 week old baby by the wedding date and be able to go.

I think you're being very kind to think of the B and G but maybe you should just say 'thanks so much for the invite - we'll be with you if we can' and see how you feel.

And keep reiterating that your DH doesn't want to be best man.

My wedding was 6hrs drive away and my bridesmaid was 38+5. I told her many times she could pull out and id understand but somehow she managed it. You never know how you'll feel so maybe you'll want to go.

Sorry for typos. You get gist.

There are two issues here and neither of them are whether a newly post partum/heavily pregnant woman is able to attend a wedding.

The first being the best man situation. Your DH appears to have been completely reasonable about that and it is frustrating that his friend isn't respecting his position.

The second is yours and DH's attendance. The food part is neither here nor there. A conversation should have taken place whereby your DH and the Groom talked through the likely scenarios, their respective ideals and the potential contingencies and compromises. Then arrived at an agreement together that everyone understood. So because that hasn't happened, everyone's being unreasonable.