To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

'Christ almighty, even if the baby was born by the wedding the father need only go to a short ceremony and a meal. We're talking a few hours to be with someone very important to you and celebrate a major milestone in their life.'

And he doesn't want to go! He just needs to have the balls to say it.

Magic has the right of it, any other wedding thread on MN and it's all, 'It's an invitation, not a summons' (particularly when it comes to childfree ones).

Can I just draw people's attention to the fact that the bride and groom sent a poem in their invitation?

Hmm I admit I overlooked that. Reason enough to decline the invitation on the basis of that alone.

I agree there expat, they have been giving the B & G hope with their inability from the start to say 'no', a lot of 'might do, if we can'...etc has not helped much I think.

Poem people seem to have attach a lot of importance to their Big Day.

Stag do abroad, check.

Best Man repeatedly telling them he's out due to becoming a father for the first time but B&G don't hear, check.

Poem touting for money, check.

Venue out of the way, check.

But even in declining the invitation they then reply with a might be able to attend. If you and more important DP do not want to attend just say so. You have not declined if you then tell them DP could possibly still attend, which the groom and bride could assume there is a good chance DP will still make it.

XiCi You clearly have different priorities to some posters on here. We will have to agree to disagree.

The options are entirely dependent on what is happening at the time.

Clearly the OP's husband is sensible to decline being best man because if the baby decides to arrive on the day of the wedding he will be at his wife's side.
If the baby hasn't arrived by then and the OP is feeling OK they could go to the wedding
If the OP isn't feeling up to it then the husband could go on his own
If the baby does arrive early I would be very surprised if the OP feels up to going to a wedding and her husband may or may not want to go to the wedding depending on how sleep deprived he is.

There are just too many ifs to make a decision right now and the bride and groom need to understand this.

If the husband is close enough to the groom to be asked to be best man then surely he can pick up the phone and talk to them rather than relying on a text conversation.

The texting is just ridiculous, though. A heart-felt text. Jesus wept! Is this how people do things for real?

What will DH be doing the day before your due date (presumably a Friday?) or the Monday after if you still have no signs?

Is he taking this time off work?

And a more pertinent point. Does he (all other issues aside) want to go to this wedding?

Honestly I really don't see what is so complicated.

Assuming you both wanted to go as DH initially agreed to being BM.

"Hi G, your wedding day is Eminys due date, so she won't be coming. I will be coming, unless of course she is in labour or has a newborn! But apparently most first babies are late anyway. So with that in mind, do you want to have a back up in case I can't make it or have to leave early?"

Compromising, honest, and everyone is happy.

There are just too many ifs to make a decision right now and the bride and groom need to understand this.

But so does the OP. What if she goes to 2weeks overdue and her and her DH are just sitting there at home feeling fighting fit regretting not being at the wedding? It seems the B&G are just asking them to keep their options open.

Fair enough to say no to best man duties, but if the friends are willing to pay for a meal that might not get eaten as they so desperately want them there, then why close that option off so early on?

YANBU. you gave the happy couple plenty of notice as to why DH couldn't/felt he shouldn't be best man. They had and still do have more than enough time to sort a replacement.
If they feel that the entire special day will be ruined by yours and DH absence, why do they not change the date, after all you can't exactly rearrange your due date.

Has it occurred to anyone that if the OP has given birth before the wedding that her dp would not want to attend the wedding but would prefer to spend the day bonding with his child and supporting his wife if she's had a cs/is getting to grips with bf/looking after baby while she gets some sleep between feeds.

Even if she hasn't given birth yet, she may not feel up to going and he may not want to leave her. Work is different, it pays the bills. My pfb was born 3 days before his due date so not every fb is late. In the last few weeks of my pregnancies the last thing I would have wanted was to get dressed up, in fact a lot of the time I had to have an afternoon nap just to keep going.

Vivi congratulations

DD1 was 38+6, DD2 was 38+2 and DS was on his due date.

When I posted earlier DS was trying to grab iPad so was posting in haste, I realised I wasn't quite clear.

I don't think YABU for not wanting to go if you have had the baby, nor do I think it is U for hubby not to go.

What I think is U is what seems to be your total decline of the possibility of being able to attend. I know you think you are saving them money, but if they want you there and are happy to loose the money then it's U to not consider you may just be able to go. It's not your responsibility to choose how they spend their money, it's your responsibility to be a good friend if circumstances allow.

It's quite simple. They don't want to go to the wedding. The OP will either be vastly pregnant (such fun) or getting to grips with a new baby (another poster here who's never made it to due date). Her partner doesn't madly feel like being rail-roaded into it. The B&G (quite apart from sending a poem) are hassling them.

Or, wot Limitedperiodonly said.

FWIW my partner went to his grandmother's funeral a couple of weeks after DD1's stupendously crappy birth. Which was absolutely fine. But this is a wedding, ffs, not quite the same thing. I'm quite sure they can celebrate their Special Day without forcing absolutely everyone to join them.

DejaVu I think most people have acknowledged that. I don't think anyone has said the OP must go- what people have said is that she doesn't know how she will feel and might want to decide at the time instead of declining now, or that if she definitely doesn't want to go then maybe her husband can still go (if not in labour or with a new child).

It's not a case of saying she should go, it's just a case of saying why not wait to see how the OP feels as she may (or may not) want to go nearer the time.

I cannot see how OP has been anything other than totally reasonable. I can only assume that the YABU posts have come because people have been confused by the OP's utter reasonableness!

If the OP hasnt had a baby before then she will have absolutely no idea what her labour will feel like or be like. It is all very well saying the wedding is only 45 minutes away but if her DP goes when is she supposed to ask him to come home? With the first twinge? If her waters go? What happens if it is a false alarm? What happens if the baby comes quickly?

Of course their wedding is the most important thing to the B&G. It isnt the most important thing to everyone else. OP and her DP have something more important to them to think about.

Thank you, DejaVu

Honestly I would wait and see what happens. Baby might be three weeks early, might be two weeks late.

I get that either heavily pregnant or with a new born you may not feel up to going. However could your dh not go without you if its local?

My dh had to go to a funeral the day after I came out of hospital, two days post section. He spent all afternoon at the wake so was gone for about six hours. It was ok.

Obviously if a few days before you think its not going to work for whatever reason then cancel then. You've warned them already. My sister cancelled last minute for my wedding as she had a week old baby and didnt feel up to it. But I kept her place open until she decided and was happy to do so. Wasn't bothered about wasting money on a meal, etc.

Magpie I know some pp have acknowledged that but there are still a few who have been saying she may be able to go if still pregnant/baby is early. That part of my post was pointing out to those who said they were fine is that the op may not be.

The main part of my post was pointing out that her dp may not want to go and leave her either heavily pregnant or with a baby.

Vivi :)

Gnome has a point too. My first inkling that something was happening wasn't actually a contraction the first of which hit me like a ten ton truck but was that when I went to the toilet there was blood pouring from me like the Niagara falls. I was lucky that it was the early hour of the morning and my now ex was in bed so already there. I'd have been panicking if I'd had to wait for him to come home from wherever he was at the time.

I refused to go on a weekend away for my fathers 60th - 3 hours away in middle of nowhere. I would have been 37 weeks. There was abit of eye rolling and first babies always late comments. Waters broke that Saturday lunchtime and I had emergency c section in the end. Would have been super stressful if I had been in some remote holiday rental!

You'd have been in good company though KERALA1 didn't Samantha Cameron have her last baby while she was on holiday?

The problem here is that the groom is continuing not to accept that his friend just can't be the best man given the circumstances. This discussion happened face to face and a long time ago so really should not have come up again.

Obviously the groom does not want to hear this and is continuing to pressure the OP's dh to be best man. If he had accepted that wasn't going to happen then I suspect the OP and her dh would be much more relaxed about keeping an open mind about attendance.

Oh and my waters broke 10 days early for both my two, I had emergency c-sections for both of them and I would not have wanted to have been in a car for 45 mins (very uncomfortable) or at a formal event on my due date. I might have been OK with dh being away for a while post ds (for the ceremony only probably) but being best man is quite time consuming surely, spend the night before with the best man and all day at the wedding most likely. I would have been very upset if he'd been avoidably away with dd though (nightmare baby!).

I'd just accept the invite, but then bow out if you a) go into labour or b) have a newborn.

You'd feel silly if you went two weeks over due and missed it wouldn't you?