To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

I think you are being a little unreasonable here. Obviously if you are in labour than you will not be able to attend. However, if the baby has not arrived then you could go. Plus if the baby has arrived then you could also go. (Obviously maybe more than a couple of days old, depending on how labour went - that might be a bit soon!)

Personally I never understand this not going to things if you are heavily pg - you will be able to sit down. There will be nice food. You can enjoy the company of friends. You are only 45 mins from home should you need to get home...

But hey all of mine were late and I must admit it never really stopped me doing things I really wanted to do (obviously not bungee jumping etc!).

Noble giraffe, but the radio silence has come about from the ops dh decling the suit fitting and reiterating for the nth time he isn't going to commit to being bm.

If his friend is really surprised about forcing his hand to choose between him and his wife and child and not wining then he's a div really.

I could understand them keeping them a place at the dinner and keeping their invitation open, but to carry on pressurising the dh to commit to being best man is out if order and I'm not surprised they've dug their heels in.

I'd be pretty offended myself if I was the op's husband to have a big event in my life so summarily dismissed.

it sounds like they really want you there and would prefer to potentially waste money on meals and suit hire than you not to go.

This.

I'm in quite a similar situation albeit the B&G don't know yet that I am pregnant (I'm only 6+4) Admittedly, my DH isn't best man, but we're both very close to groom and it's likely DH might be asked to be an usher or similar as the groom was an usher at ours.

We're going to just be upfront about it (after 12wk scan) explain the uncertainty of the feasibility of our attendance and leave the ball in their court. I think you (or your DP) were somewhat unreasonable to make a blanket decision based on presumptions of such an unknown quantity.

We'd be mortified to miss our friends wedding, and I know they'd be gutted if we're not there, but at the same time we have no idea if it will be possible to attend. So we're just going to play it by ear. If they seemed as insistent as your friends do that they leave a space for us at their wedding, I would be so touched and not see it as pressure to attend, rather good friends being incredibly accommodating.

Congratulations Vivi!

Ah thanks TSSD! Still all feeling very unreal...

Sorry, I think YAB a bit U too.

If it was my best friend's wedding I would move hell and high water to be there. And if my best friend didn't do the same for me I would think they didn't value the friendship as much as I do. Obviously if you are in labour as they are saying their vows then your DH should be with you, but if not then your DH should really make some effort to attend, it's not like it's hours away.

From re-reading your posts it seems like it is you who doesn't want to go (want to be home cuddling a newborn, don't want to be going heavily pregnant etc.) That is fine. Doesn't mean your husband can't go (as long as you're not in labour or just given birth). He clearly wanted to be best man at some point as he agreed. Could he go for the ceremony and aim to stay for the speeches but record a speech so they can play it on video if he has to make a swift exit? That would be a really nice thing to do.

Having had a baby a month ago myself I think a lot of posters on here are forgetting what it is like being 9 months pregnant/ or having just given birth! Who wants to get dressed up for a wedding on your due date?! Those of you who are saying the OP should take her newborn are mad! The OP will be sore, bleeding and exhausted!
OP, it is an amazing time for you and your DH and the LAST thing I would have wanted to do was truss myself up in an outfit and take my newborn to a venue full of people!
Be selfish about it, you are allowed! It is difficult for your friends getting married but they are being unrealistic about you being involved.

I agree that she won't want to go when she has a newborn, although if op can get someone else to help the groom could go for a bit as only 45 mins away. I was fine to go to a wedding at 9 months preg and enjoyed it, although obviously it's different if someone has pregnancy related health issues like spd or something.

YANBU.

I think you possibly could be more flexible but it depends on the bride and groom. I'm sure they will be understanding if you are actually pushing at the time of the wedding but if the baby is a week old at that point and 10 mins before it is time for your dh to go (or both of you to go) you suddenly start sobbing that you don't want to be left will the groom say "not to worry" or will your dh be under pressure to go? Ditto if you are overdue and you suddenly feel a slight twinge.

I have a nasty feeling that the fact that they are being huffy about you saying no now means that they are not "not to worry" people.

If they are "not to worry" people then I think there are things you can do to minimise "risk of loss". Offer to pay for your own meals for example. (Assuming you can afford this.) Get the groom to look at the Evening invite people and see if there is anyone who could easily be "upgraded" at the last minute. (We had a last minute No Show at ours so I just asked a local mate of mine who was coming in the evening if she fancied a free meal.) Are your dh and the "best man stand in" a similar size? In which case you could just get the suit fitted to whichever of them is bigger and whoever ends up being best man wears it. Or alternatively "stand in" can be the ceremony and photos best man and your dh is the speech best man.

FWIW I was still living my life completely normally until the day I gave birth with both kids. Afterwards with ds I'd have happily waved dh off the day after he was born (assuming he took dd with him - I'd have been less happy being left with ds and Little Miss Bouncy). 3 days after I'd have come too and sat quietly showing off ds. 7 days later I'd have started the dancing. But with dd (my first), I was very poorly and it was 10 days before dh felt I was well enough to leave with dd while he went to Tesco.

You really don't know and all these people who are saying you should be flexible will undoubtedly be saying that you shouldn't be so inflexible will be saying "you can't let the groom down" if on the morning of the wedding you don't want dh to go or he doesn't want to go.

Well, I wouldn't have wanted to go straight after birth, but I have friends who have barely paused to catch breath once their babies were born and would have gone along quite happily. And it isn't always easy to predict who will be who. The baby could be a couple of weeks old by then (my DS was 2.5 weeks early), I would have gone then. I would have been fine at 40 weeks pg with DC2 (who was 10 days late), again some are not. Most people have know way of knowing in advance, so why not leave your options open?

I think you were absolutely right in turning down being best man as there is no guarantee your husband will be available. Surely they would want to get an alternative or at the very least get a back up organised?

As for not going at all I think if you're up for it then go but it's equally fine not to- at the very least there is the consideration of what will you wear at a wedding when you're 9 months gone.

I can understand both points of view tbh . I appreciate they have a tight budget but as long as they are aware that you might not be able to attend at the last minute, then I see no reason why you can't accept the invite, with that caveat in place. Ditto to the best man thing. Assuming you've already given birth (but don't feel up to going), then there's no reason why your DH couldn't do the church and speech bit without you and then come home.. Similarly, if you haven't given birth yet (but don't feel up to going), he's only 45 mins away and could get back if needs be (and the stand in best man does his bits.). This would probably mean DH would have to stay sober so he can drive back but if they're good mates, it shouldn't be an issue.

Fwiw, my best friend and her husband were due to be matron of honour and best man at my first wedding. She conceived and the due date was a couple of days before/after (can't recall exactly). She stepped down as moh (obviously). Best man said he'd be there if at all possible. As it happens, she have birth at 6.30 am on the morning of the wedding. Best man still did his bit and we all popped to the hospital in full wedding garb in between the day and evening reception to see them. Sounds silly but it was a really memorable part of the day

YANBU

Good for all those people who were so full of energy during their pregnancies and would have loved the distraction of a wedding!

Chances are you will feel exhausted, massive and have no desire to put on a fancy frock! You most likely will not feel like socialising.

You've be very clear that you and dh won't be able to go to wedding with plenty of notice.

Your baby, stress levels, relaxation and sense of calm are much more important than being forced to go to a wedding you don't want to go to.

I do however think that your dh could probably still have gone with the proviso you were feeling ok?

OP if you were still merely pregnant and not in labour and not struggling with a newborn, which is statistically quite likely, would you happily wave off your DH to the wedding? If yes, you really should encourage him to accept the invite (but not you) on the proviso that if you are in labour or have a baby he'll have to cancel at the last minute.

If no, then how are you going to cope waving your DH off to work in the same sort of time period?

Oh and all our friends will be at the wedding and my family live a plane ride away so if DP goes I will be literally all by myself (with the exception of mil but the doesn't bare (bear?) thinking about!)

Bear.

Literally every single one of your friends? How unusual. Hopefully you will have antenatal classes coming up so you may well make some new friends in the coming months.

YANBU not to want to go and you are right to decline outright. However, your H should make every effort to go. He needs to support at the ceremony and the speeches. The G clearly wants him there, so perhaps they would consider doing speeches before meal so that he can leave earlier. Planned carefully, it should mean no more than six hours away from you (and perhaps baby). Obviously this doesn't apply if you are in active labour on the day in question!

I think YAB a bit U.

If the wedding is only 45 mins away and it is your due date you may well be fine to go. Your DC may not have arrived then, and in which case something to take your mind of it will be a good thing, you can eat the nice meal and go as soon as your DH has done the speech. Tbh with my first, I was v excited and nervous by the due date but not in the position that I stopped life - many friends didn't give birth until at least 7-10 days after due date with their first, so what they literally just sit at home all of that time????

If your DC has been born you may not feel up to going (if it is very early days you might want to pop in and show off your baby even if you don't feel like staying for the whole time...). Personally I wouldn't have dreamt of it!! But many of my friends were in a great position for the first few days and hyper/excited/happy and would have loved to get out. Also, even if you aren't up to it there's no reason your DH couldn't go even for a little bit to do his speech.

I understand it is a v anxious time and you don't want to plan anything but on the other hand I don't think you need to commit yourself and your DH to missing out on something so significant - being a best man is a really big deal. My DH quite happily went to work on my due date (and the 3 days after) so to have stepped down from being best man in advance of knowing whether or not he could/couldn't would have seemed unnecessary.

I have been in this situation and came out of a long month in hospital for the afternoon at 9months plus to attend. It was fine, I sat a lot and rested a lot, my friends and I enjoyed the day. I think UABU and also think that if you haven't had a baby it is easy to think all these strange thoughts. Carry on living.
They want you there and will understand if you cant make it on the day. It is not up to you to decide whether they want to 'waste' money on your food or not.
The invitation should be accepted with thanks and take the chance that your labour will coincide with the couple of hours of the wedding

I thought that too TheFarce MNers are always telling pregnant women it's completely up to them whether they have any visitors after the birth (including and sometimes especially MILs) and to take a week or two to recover.....

Apart from when it's your DH's best friends wedding and then you have to rock up with stitches/leaky boobs/sleep deprivation and baby blues - obviously.

Accept the invitation and decide for yourselves on the day whether you can attend. Then you both have this worry off your back and B&G can start worrying and take responsibility for planning backup. Easy!

OP I don't think you and your DP are being unreasonable.

You don't have a crystal ball and are understandably focusing on your pregnancy and not knowing what might happen when in it.

You've been very fair to the couple. You and your DP spoke to them in person giving them several months notice to find a new best man.

You DP has then been very clear several times after that by continuing to tell them not to arrange a stand-in or pay for your meals.

And they have been very insensitive by telling you that your pregnancy is 'bad timing' when they know how long you have been TTC and that you have suffered a loss.

I don't like it when people say pregnancy is not an illness when it can actually make many people feel very ill indeed. Nobody here knows how you might be feeling on the day of the wedding or in the weeks before or after the birth. They don't know how early or late you might give birth or how quickly you will recover once you have.

It may be that on the day of the wedding you feel perfectly fine but if you want to err on the side of caution then you shouldn't be under pressure to make a commitment you are worried you can't keep.

Goodness, what a lot of hand wringing over two happy events- a wedding and a baby!!

I would have though the obvious solution is that the DH steps down from being best man, as he can't really commit to that, but is given a special supporting role and makes a speech if he's there. Isn't having more than one 'supporter' rather than a best man, done at some weddings anyway?

If you are actually in labour then obviously neither of you can attend, but you may still have another week or more to go, or have already given birth. You may understandably not feel up to it in those scenarios, but fgs your DH can surely travel 45 mins to the wedding of his good friend?

And in the (unlikely) event that the wedding actually coincides with you giving birth, it will be a really nice touch for the groom to make a mention of your DH during the speeches

Sorted!!

Ps and for heavens sake stop the texting and get DH to have a face to face conversation!

I must say OP, I think your stress that they don't waste any money is odd, they know the risk is you won't be there, so why are you so determined that theyaren't out of pocket - is it that you think it'll be held against you in a "we spend £xxx on them and they bloody couldn't be arsed turning up!" sort of a way? If so, can you make it clear again that you probably won't be able to go, so the expenditure is their choice.

I spent my due date for DC1 alone with DH in London a good hour away, but then I had a snuggly 2 week old DS and DH's paternity leave had been and gone! The day I went into labour DH was at work and it took him just over an hour to get home, if you go in to labour any other day that week or the week after, realistically, how long will it take your DH to get to you from first phone call? 45 minutes isn't that far away if you are certain he would drop everything and come home. If you went with him, how far away is the hospital from the venue - I would recommend having your notes and bag and baby car seat in the car just in case.

If you've had the baby and both you and the baby are well, he could go just for the ceremony and the meal, which would be less time away than a working day.

It is highly likely at least your DH could at least go for the ceremony and meal, if he wanted to. It's would probably only be an afternoon out. If you or the baby were sick, that's a different matter, and if you were in labour on the day or had the baby one or two days before, again different matter, but I guess the bride and groom are probably aware that the likelyhood is you won't have the baby on your due date. Most don't arrive then.

It does sound like your DH doesn't want to be the best man.

Oh, FFS! Of course YANBU. People think their wedding is the be all to end all for everyone. News flash: other than your immediate family, no one gives a fuck that you are getting married.