To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

If the OP and her DH don't want to attend because a. they may have a newborn and would actually prefer to spend their day/evening spending time with that child or b. the baby may be over the due date and they don't relish the thought of the faff of getting ready for and attending a wedding then that is entirely up to them. You don't get to force people to do what you want them to, even when it's about your wedding.

I can see why the OP and DH chose to decline - they thought they were being nice and saving the B & G money. Since the B & G don't seem nearly as concerned about this as the OP and her DH I'd probably let them go ahead and waste the money whilst making it absolutely clear to them that more likely than not it was going to get wasted. Granted this may create a whole new set of issues and resentment after the wedding, but there's only so much anyone can do!

OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable! I remember when we were approaching the due date with our first, me and DH actually told everyone that we wouldn't be making any family visits once we got to 37 weeks (baring in mind our families only live 30mins away!). It was a bit pfb in hindsight but you just don't know with your first, it's unchartered territory and you're naturally more cautious. Just let them spend the money and go or not as you see fit on the day.

It is sad that the B&G are so oblivious to the concerns of the OP & her DP. Unfortunately I suspect that the B&G are so wrapped up in their own concerns that it doesn't bode well for this friendship.

IME friendships of youth dont always stand the tests of relationships and children. Without a doubt some do but many dont.

I am in a sort of on the fence position here... I have been in the exact situation... Ironically same sort of due dates too! Except... It was my sister's wedding (not first, I know I know. It doesn't matter which... But it is part if the history), she had suggested a date for the wedding for the November. I found I was pg, and due date late July, expecting to go late as with my first. All good, I would be able to make it to wedding but probably not reception as it would be held in a place where they could just about still smoke etc (and I didn't think it was so healthy for a young baby, but as my mum's house was done the rd I would pop in). Anyway.... They changed it to a weekish after my due date. I told them that I couldn't travel 3.5 hrs with a new baby and a toddler... Sorry. Esp if I had a hard time of it (as with first). Turned out I had DD about 2 days before the wedding and I was only just out of hospital (easy birth but needed tests). So couldn't have gone anyway. Sometimes it is just easier to make a plan and stick with it.

Either way. Do what you are going to do, live with whatever consequences there are, and don't ruminate on things you cannot change. Given it is only 45mins away, I would be inclined to wing it and see myself.

Yeah wing it! Say yes, be happy. It will all work out in the end

You are very likely to be sitting at home feeling bored. You will also feel daft if you don't go into labour for another week. Let the groom have a standby and risk it.

I actually think you are being quite reasonable. But because B and G are upset, why doesn't your DH go and do the best man thing, leave after his speech and therefore only be gone half a day rather than the whole day and into the night? You don't have to go (I wouldn't), which is totally understandable. If G is arranging a stand in in case you're in labour, then he's being reasonable too. Its a good compromise to come to without the friendship being destroyed.

OP, will any family be with you after you've had baby?

'But because B and G are upset, why doesn't your DH go and do the best man thing, leave after his speech and therefore only be gone half a day rather than the whole day and into the night? '

Because a) from the OP's posts, he does not want to b) she may be in labour, in hospital, all sorts of scenarios.

The B&G are upset because they are self-centred.

I'm with expat on this.

Change the word "Wedding" to "party" and no one would have a problem with the OP!

I think the key thing here is expat's first point: DH does not want to go to the wedding all day!

His friend refuses to accept this, which is really saying "I am more important and overrule you!"

I think both parties are being a bit unreasonable.

If OP does not want to go, then she shouldn't. If her DH doesn't want to go, he shouldn't. If he doesn't feel he can be best man, even with a back up, then he doesn't have to be. YANBU to decline the invite, nor is your DH BU to decline his.

But saying "we might not be able to come, so we don't want to waste money", only leads to people trying to find a solution- they've made it clear they are happy to potentially waste money, on the chance that you might be able to come as it seems quite important to them you and DH are there.

But then you say "no, don't waste your money paying for a meal, we'll pop in if we feel like it"- it begins to sound like an excuse, and it's not an important event to you at all, which is quite hurtful given that you are supposedly very close friends.

You'd be better off accepting with the caveat you may not attend (for any one of a number of reasons) or simply stating you don't want to attend because of the pregnancy. Which is the truth- you might be able to go, but the reality is you don't want to even if you could. Which is fine, I'm not suggesting you should go, just that you should be honest about it.

The way you've gone about the whole thing does seem a bit unreasonable to me. And if it were my very close friends, and the wedding was reasonably close, I'd make an attempt to get to some part of the wedding, or encourage DH to go- even if just for the ceremony (on the basis that he'd leave if he had to). You can manage without him for a few hours surely, unless you're unwell/in labour/just had baby? That said, if you and your DH don't feel that is something you want to do, then that's ok- but just say so.

Also, I know OP has said they have said "no" on a few occasions, but I wonder how clear OP's DH was about not being best man? Unless they are fruit loops (I realise that is a possibility, but OP has said they are very close to this couple- so presumably they are not always like this), this refusal to accept seems odd. I am just wondering if he said something like "probably won't be able to make it, so might be best to bow out", which has prompted BG to try to find a solution, as he'd really like his friend to be best man. Hence solution of "back up best man" and further attempts to find a solution. More like crossed wires, than refusal to accept "no", perhaps?

Hi I'm back

I've read all the replies and do take on board the comments of those who think iabu (and thank you to those who think I'm not!)

I probably hadn't been clear, but the reasoning in our head was we declined because we assumed that it was more likely than not that we would be unable to attend, and so therefore declining was the polite thing to do. The money thing and saving on the meals etc was more of a side issue, we didn't bang on about it to the B&G I think it may have been mentioned to them once.

I understand from reading posts from people who have been in similar situations that we may very well (or at least DP) be able to attend, and as B&G clearly are happy for us to keep our options open, maybe we should have accepted on the caveat both or one of us may not be able to attend.

I am trying to get DP to speak to G but he is being a little stubborn himself now. I think I might call him or B myself to clear the air and maybe come to a compromise.

At risk of repeating myself, this has all been dp's decision as much as mine. He wants to be as close as possible when I go into labour (works 20 mins away for those asking - yes I will allow him to go to work ) and wants to spend as much precious time with me and the baby as poss when he's born. It's his baby too, no one would suggest me going along to the wedding and leaving baby home with DP! I was quite upset though that one poster accused me of manipulating DP to stay at home. Just .

So that's all I have to say for now, I'll update you as and when I've spoken to B or G.

Well done OP. I think you sound very sensible, and YANBU. It's your choice, and B&G should respect that.

I went two weeks overdue with my first, and at one week overdue I went on a long strenuous walk with my husband about 45 mins from home to try and get the baby moving (didn't work!) I would have been totally fine to attend a local wedding and it would certainly have taken my mind off things!

I wouldn't have wanted to attend a wedding within the first couple of weeks after the birth (c-section) but would have happily sent my DH off for the day without me a week or so after (depending on other help available)

So I think YABU to decline completely - they are obviously just hurt that you are saying no under all circumstances.

On the other hand I don't think anyone should feel forced to do something they don't want to do - as I've read here many times before, it's an invitation not, a court summons!

I hope you manage to sort things out twitch the B&G.

I would also suggest that it IS possible to go to a wedding and leave baby with DH!!! if you are feeding you can express.As for spending precious time with you and baby, I'd advise don't close your lives down and only live for baby, I understand how special it all is but you will need other people in your life as wellxxx

I wish you and H all the best for your new arrival and hope that we don't have too much of a heatwave for you to deal with as you get bigger

Don' be ridiculous! She may have just given birth, have needed stitches or c-section, expressing is NOT recommended until feeding is established, and it's a fucking PARTY, not a court summons.

Your DP is an adult, he has chosen not to go. The groom thinks his 'day' is more important. It is not. Tell him again. The end.

Babies come when ready. Some are overdue. Others are not. You plan for the due date.

I don't think you should worry about either of you going if you are in labour or baby is here. However statistics dictate that that is unlikely.

But there is a 5 week window where baby could realistically arrive within normal realms. That's a long time to keep DH no more than 20 minutes away.

Also there is an element of PFB about this. It's unlikely that if he was out, that you would call him home at the first contraction (under normal circumstances ), however you would have that option with the wedding.

Honestly as long as he doesn't drink, and has his phone on him at all times, I don't think a wedding 45 mins away is that a big a deal. If you went into labour and he couldn't attend, I'm sure B&G would understand and would be thrilled for you.

From experience I would only consider the scenario of baby not having arrived or started yet btw, I wouldn't entertain anything if baby was here.

Oh, please! who wasn't just a wee bit apprehensive when pregnant with their first? Damn straight, PFB.

It's a party. The DP is PFB, too, he doesn't want to go. Mine was like this, too. He wanted to be around. Imagine that?

I am not understanding all the YABU's.

I am not understanding apparently feeling silly for not attending a wedding while hugely pregnant or with a newborn.

You ask someone to attend/particpate in your wedding. It's a request to which someone can freely say no to. As the Op and her H have done.

Op....you don't want to go which is absolutely fair enough....sounds like your dp doesn't want to either.

I'd step away now and hand it over to dp to sort. Less yourself the extra stress.

Of course YANBU

My best friend didn't come to my wedding for the same reason. I didn't give it a second though!