To have declined this wedding invitation

[Eminybob]

I'll try and keep this brief, but also don't want to drip feed so bear with me!

DP and I have been invited to a very good friend of ours' wedding. In fact DP was asked to be best man.

We were told last summer that the date had been set for 2nd August 2014. No problems at all, DP accepted his best man role, he has been organising the stag do abroad and we said we were very excited for bride and groom and couldn't wait to see them get married.

However, during this time, DP and I had been TTC, probably since about the end of 2012, and had a MMC in May 2013.

So, when we found out in November I was pregnant we were over the moon! But, based on original lmp dates, my due date was.... You guessed it, 2nd August.

Didn't really think about it much at the time, obviously the excitement and scariness of the pregnancy was our main concern! Also of course, due to previous MC, weren't telling anyone until after 12 week scan. When we had that in January, dates changed slightly to 29th July due date. DP called groom to share great news mentioned when due but again didn't really think about the wedding.

When we next saw bride and groom (let's call them B & G) who live away (but the wedding is local to us) the dates were mentioned. DP and I had discussed it before hand and thought it best that he resigns his best man post as the likelihood is that we won't be able to make the wedding, and we'd need to decide what to do about the actual invite itself.

When we spoke to G, he was very blasé, oh you can bring the baby (um if it's born yet, may only be a couple of days old, I wouldn't feel up to it, or I may be overdue in which case not up to attending, and would need DP with me in case I went into labour)
We explained this, but G said he'll get a stand in best man, but still have DP as best man. DP said no, don't get him a suit etc as it's more likely than not he won't be able to be there. He said he'd still continue to arrange stag do.

G was getting more and more agitated, said, oh well we'll see closer to the time (umm my due date isn't going to change so why wait??) he has a bit of a "jokey" go at us about timing, and even B used the words "bad timing". They know we were TTC, and I'd told B about the MC so I was a bit upset and thought they were being rather insensitive (I may be being unreasonable about that)

We also told then at this time that we thought it best if they don't pay for a meal for as we are unlikely to be there to eat it (and we know their budget for the wedding is tight)

So, fast forward to April, and the official invitation arrives. In the mean time DP has told G several times that he is stepping down as best man, yet G texted him, asked if he had invite, mentioned something about getting measured for suits (!?) and asking for us to confirm.

We thought we had been clear, but DP text him back, a long heartfelt regretful text, no he will not be best man, we are declining the wedding invitation as we will more than likely be unable to attend, but if on the off chance baby is born early, DP will come to the evening reception, but don't order food etc for either of us. (This is all stuff we'd said before but I think they were hoping we'd change our minds)

Now we haven't heard anything back, G is not returning dp's texts.

They have obviously got the hump with us, but we are doing what's best for them, or so we think, we can't commit when we don't know what's going to happen.

So, are we BU? Or are they? And should I step in and text either B or G? And what would you say?

This friendship sounds like very hard work between all four of you- OP, DH, B and G!!

Too much agonising, texting... Just TALK.

Sounds like your DH doesn't want to go but is pussy footing around to 'hedge his bets' tbh. What I mean is, if it ends up you are sitting at home feeling bored but perfectly fine, he's worried he'll look like not a very good mate as he's already bowed out of the wedding and will be sat at home bored with you. If he's determined he doesn't want to go then he needs to just say so. And yes, the risk is that if the groom is a close friend he MAY be offended if you end up going overdue and your DH has declined. Sorry but that's the risk he has to take isn't it?

Many of us have suggested that if he really wanted to go, he'd agree on the basis of IF he's able to.. And the B and G have been quite happy to pay for a meal which may not get eaten in the event you do go into labour that day. Tbh if I were in their situation and this was a really close friend I'd do that too because it wouldn't bother me that I might have paid for an extra meal... It would matter more to have a good friend there if possible. If that friend didn't actually want to come anyway, then id rather know the reason and yes it may affect the friendship

I don't know what's happened in their friendship between your DH agreeing to be best man, and actually now feeling he doesn't want to attend even if he's able to... But there seems more to it than what's changed in your lives...are you sure they haven't had some kind of run in? Otherwise it seems strange that your DH has gone from being best man material to not even wanting to attend the ceremony, even though the chances are you will be fine at home.

I can understand you not wanting to commit personally, so quite rightly you've declined. My advice though is keep an open mind about how you'll feel around the birth though... Don't be put off by scare stories of how you might not want to move from your bed for months because honestly you dont know. If you have a straightforward birth you may feel physically fine very soon. Everyone is different. As an anecdote, we'd booked concert tickets for a favourite band before I fell pregnant, and the gig was 4 weeks after the birth. I didn't make any decisions about whether to go until the baby was a week old, but we decided to go for it, got a babysitter and I expressed like mad for a couple of days in the run up! We had a fabulous evening out. Now, not everyone would want to do that, and that's FINE!
But just keep an open mind and don't let anyone make you feel there's something wrong by carrying on with normal life if that's what you want. Many women are exercising , doing the housework, looking after toddlers, shopping, socialising etc right up until the first contraction of labour... You may be one of these, and you may also want to resume normal life - with of course your lovely baby- as soon as you can after the birth too.

Anyway I digress... Tell your DH to sort his own issue!

Of course yanbu. Some of the replies here are a bit bonkers. Imagine if your DH agreed to be best man, and then you were in labour on the wedding day - he would have to let the groom down at the last minute, which would be the worst of all possible outcomes.

You don't know what will happen. It could be that by the time of the wedding you won't have gone into labour, and your DH would still be able to go, but why would you take that risk?

"Imagine if your DH agreed to be best man, and then you were in labour on the wedding day - he would have to let the groom down at the last minute, which would be the worst of all possible outcomes."

My understanding was that the groom was more than aware of this which is why he has a back up best man.

As the b&g seem happy to leave it open I'd just wait & see nearer the time & update them - even up to the day. As I said my friend decided the day before she (& dh) couldn't come due to imminent birth & it was fine - we were able to invite to people who wouldn't get offended about being second choice at the last minute to take their places.

I knew all along it was a bit touch & go whether she would actually make it.

The groom would be bonkers to rely on the DH being best man- which is why he wasnt, he had a 'back up best man'
Actually, thinking about it, maybe that's part of the reason the DH feels less inclined to go, because he may understandably feel uncomfortable about a 'B list'best man who acts as a stand in only in the unlikely event the DH's wife is in labour. My thoughts were that it would be much better for the groom to have the two as supporters, so that it makes no difference to the role if one can't make it.

Like I said - this friendship seems hard work all round really; none of them seem able to say what they really mean and are skirting around with excuses like not wanting the couple to spend out on a meal.

I class a 45 minute drive as being around, we are all different.

I am sure that were this OP's second, the situation would be different. PFB wasn't a criticism.

IF they are good friends, I think YABVU and very, very rude.

Like others have said, there is a 5 week window when baby could arrive. You may have given birth 3 weeks before, be feeling completely fine and able to go. Or you may still be 2 weeks away from the birth, perfectly able to go and your dh to be best man. Obviously, should the baby arrive on the due date, you won't be able to be there.

It sounds to me like the B&G recognise the different possibilities - that you could both make the whole day (with or without baby), or possibly both miss it, or just dh pop in if you have just given birth. They have offered to get a stand in Best Man, and are clearly willing to risk paying for you for a potentially 'wasted' meal.

What YOU have done is said 'Fuck you, not interested, more important things to think of'.

IF this was a random neighbour/acquaintance then of course you may decline because it's just not worth it and the wedding is not that big a deal to you anyway. Considering this is your dh's best friend though (I assume...being bm) you are completely throwing their reasonable offer to leave things open, because they want you to be a part of their day, in their face.

I'm not surprised they've copped the hump tbh.

I also loved the idea upthread of OP's DH recording his speech.

I too don't understand how it's gone from wanting to be best man to not even wanting to attend if it's possible.

OP - how would you both feel if you were sat at home on that Saturday and baby didn't appear for another week for two? Perhaps base any decision making on that.

Again, I'm in no way advocating that you go or that either of you go with a newborn.

Slithy- exactly my thinking. If this were just an acquaintance it wouldn't be a big deal, but you don't go from best mate to deciding you won't even drive 45 mins to share your friends big day, when your wife is sat at home waiting for baby to arrive. That's what makes me think there's either more to it and the DH has had a run in with the groom which the OP doesn't know about. Or that there's a massive communication fail between all four... Probably because sending 'heartfelt texts'(!!) is not a great way to decline an invitation to a best friends wedding

Big day, meh. It's a party. All this stand in best man and to'ing and fro'ing is ridiculous. Some people don't see the big deal about a wedding, especially if due a baby.

He said no. The groom didn't accept that.

So say no again.

I'm kind of on the fence over this one tbh. If I was the b&g I would be disappointed if close friends were declining when they probably could come. I also wouldn't particularly fancy it. Although in one way if you go overdue your due date is a grumpy day ime. Perhaps going to a wedding would be a distraction.

tbh the liklihood is unless you have complications and are induced you will still be pregnant. Most people go past dd don't they?

I found the only way I could stay sane with my first was by getting out and about until I was actually getting proper contractions! Not saying she should go to the wedding as she clearly doesn't want to, but I can't relate to this idea of putting life on hold, swooning on the sofa with DH not being allowed out of the house in case she gets a twinge!

Wow. Your friends are self centered.

There were two people who were unable to attend my wedding as the were due close to the date.

One was due 2 days after wedding and the other a week. Both lived in London and would have had to travel to Scotland for the wedding.

So obv I didn't mind that they didn't feel like coming.

We did have one very pregnant lady attend. She was local to venue and due 3 weeks after wedding. She didn't last much beyond the ceremony. She was just too tired. But she came.

In the end one friend had her baby during the night after our wedding and the other two weeks later. And the lady who attended 4 weeks later.

We didn't have any DC yet at the time but were still sensible enough to see that with days to go you wouldn't necessarily feel like it.

I know your friend are getting married and its once in a lifetime etc but you're having a baby and you can't really schedule a babies arrive for convenience. Besides you might not feel like or feel way too tired.

Your friends are being really mean. Just wait until they are having a baby....

Just because she doesn't want to go to a wedding 45 mins. away doesn't mean she is sitting on a sofa waiting about .

You do realise if the OP crams herself into a frock and does in fact go to the wedding she'll be bombarded with helpful questions about hasn't she had the baby yet, goodness they thought she'd have had it by now, is she sure she should be out, ooh now no glass of champagne for her, etc etc?

If you can't sit on a sofa waiting about when you're 40 weeks pregnant, when the hell can't you?

I am a huge believer in friendships, but frankly there are limits. And this is one of them.

And he doesn't want to go.

Not many people are saying that OP should go.

Just that it's likely that DH could, and wondering what the u turn in attitude is about.

I don't think G is BU, they must think a lot of OP and DH to want them to be there this badly, I'd take it as a compliment.

I'd also as I said above base my decision on how I would feel if I hadn't had the baby by that point, and DH missed the wedding. If we wouldn't care then no biggie, and perhaps the G got his friendship wrong, if we would care, then try and keep it as a possibility

If one more person says I've not "allowed" DP to go I'm going to scream!

And for the record I actually would like to go to the wedding, I love weddings and I love the couple in question, but there is a very high chance I may not be able to. Same goes for DP. And this is the reason we have declined. Not because we are horrible friends who have sneakily found an excuse not to go to a wedding we didn't want to go to in the first place.

So could people please read my op and subsequent posts and stop making assumptions.

Yes I am getting cross now, and not because I can't handle being told that iabu, I have taken the advice into account, but because I'm being made to repeat myself.

Thank you to expat for your continuing support though.

Now if this had been a strictly childfree wedding, OP, you'd have had completely different responses.

Oh I know. And that's another thing, B&G have upset another couple by telling then they can't bring their 1 year old, but not because they can't bring him, more the way they have said it. They can be a little insensitive.

So if that's how you feel OP, why not just say that?

"Hi B&G, you know how much we love you both and want to be there, there is just a good chance we won't. We will both try and come, and if I can't, DH will try. But having the back up best man is a great idea in case baby makes an appearance, ha ha! Thanks for being so flexible it means a lot."

Easy, honest, and leaves the door open for all options.

Plus the chance that DH can't go isn't that high. Would you feel ok about him going without you if you didn't feel up to it?

OP the whole point of your post was to ask opinions??

If you really wanted to go all a lot of posters are saying is accept invite m aking clear plans might change last minute and then see how you feel on the day.
UABU for declining now when you may be having a burst of energy pre delivery and would love it.

Even suggestions about recorded best mans speech have been given. You have just sounded a bit as if 'I'm having a baby doesn't anyone care?'
They have made it very clear that they would love you to come and understand if you pull out last minute and are willing to take the risk.

I suggest if you aare getting so cross about a mn post perhaps you haven't been as reasonable as you think in rl?

Erm.. The OP said in her opening post that if she's overdue she'll 'need her husband with her in case she goes into labour'. Hence the rather surprised responses from many of us who didn't expect our DH to actually physically be with us from due date onwards.
Contrary to what eastenders would have you believe, it's rare for a first baby to shoot out within 2 minutes of contractions...

Anyway it sounds as though you don't actually like this couple that much OP so I don't think you need MN to validate your decision