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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my 14 yr olds GFriend stay over.

65 replies

Mandatorymongoose · 02/05/2014 22:19

Dd is 14, close to 15. She has regularly, over the years, had female friends to stay, including her best friend who's about a year and a half older. When friends stay they tend to share her bed.

Dd has been friends with a 17 yr old girl for a couple of years but recently this friendship has developed in to something more. I don't think it's anything serious really but they're spending a lot of time together and I have spotted them kissing a couple of times.

Dd wants her friend to stay tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit weird about it. I wouldn't let her have a boy stay over but if I didn't happen to know about the kissing I'd happily let her friend stay.

WIBU to let her stay or wibu to say no? I'm not a hundred percent sure what to do for the best.

(I know there's a thread running at the moment with regards to a child coming out and possible grooming so just want to mention I have no worries about anything similar here)

OP posts:

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo · 02/05/2014 22:23

Maybe have her stay on the condition she sleeps downstairs and DD sleeps upstairs or in a different room? Have the doors open etc, the standard practice of if she had a BFriend

SantanaLopez · 02/05/2014 22:25

Does she know you've spotted them? I don't think you can ask the friend to sleep downstairs or in a different room without telling her why you are worried (wrong word, too tired).

Rivercam · 02/05/2014 22:25

It's a tricky situation. You say you have seen them kissing, and yet don't think it's anything serious. This seems to contradict itself. Maybe use the three year. age gap as an excuse

DuckyMoDuckyMoMo · 02/05/2014 22:26

Good point SantanaLopez. Maybe talk to your DD and say you've seen them and all though you are happy she is happy and you are 100% behind her it's the same rules for boyfriends and it is for girlfriends?

TucsonGirl · 02/05/2014 22:31

It's a tough one. I think most parents, if it was a girl/boy relationship with an age gap like that would say no way in hell. Obviously the risk of pregnancy isn't there with a same sex relationship. And tbh, there's kind of less of an expectation that a girl will try and push another girl into doing things she's not comfortable with, accurate or not I don't know. I wouldn't let them share a bed overnight.

Hairylegs47 · 02/05/2014 22:35

I wouldn't let them share a bed.
It's a difficult one because 'we' assume the 14 year old isn't being groomed by the 17 year old. But, just because she's female doesn't mean she's not a predator.

Annunziata · 02/05/2014 22:37

I agree you need to ask her.

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2014 22:41

No I wouldn't and I would be severely pissed off about a 17yr old kissing a 14yr old, regardless of gender.

raffle · 02/05/2014 22:41

I'm such a chicken, I would offer to take DD out to dinner then the cinema, and make it sound all awesome and give her the choice of restaurant/film. That would buy me a bit of time before deciding how to approach the issue

TucsonGirl · 02/05/2014 22:45

If the 17 year old is only just 17 and the 14 year old is nearly 15, then it's basically a 2 year age gap, which isn't that bad IMO. Are they at the same school? How many school years apart are they?

BathroomDrama · 02/05/2014 22:48

Two year age gap is pretty standard at 15 & 17 isn't it? Hardly predator territory.

I think I'd have a chat about relationships & whether it's with a boy or a girl not being coerced into doing anything that makes her uncomfortable - and the fact that 'girlfriends & boyfriends' don't 'sleep over' when you are 14.

Original poster

Mandatorymongoose · 02/05/2014 22:49

Sorry, no intention to drip feed. I have spoken briefly to Dd about the kissing, I asked if she was 'seeing' this girl and she said not really but knowing her I take that to mean 'I like her but we're not serious enough to say she's my girlfriend though she might be at some point soon'. This is the first time I've known her to be interested in a girl.

There is a 2.5 year age gap but it doesn't concern me much if I'm honest, they became friends through Dds best friend who she's known since she was little but who is a year and a half older than Dd so there is kind of a step in ages in the middle - if that makes sense, which makes it more understandable that they are friends. Friend is a young 17 and has visited here many times and stayed over once or twice in the past.

It's not about her being female that makes me think it's not predatory, it's knowing her and Dd.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 02/05/2014 22:51

When does the 17 year old turn 18?

MerryMarigold · 02/05/2014 22:54

I'd say (to her) that whether they are officially girlfriends or not, there is a sexual element to the relationship so you are not happy for her to sleep overnight at this age. And it would be the same rule for a boy too.

BathroomDrama · 02/05/2014 22:55

Well, as you say, you know them - not us. Frankly, I wouldn't let them have a boyfriend or girlfriend sleeping over when they are 14, but that's my level of 'definitely bloody well not' not yours. You know they have been kissing, you know there's more than a friendship there, to my way of thinking it's condoning that and it will make it difficult to say 'no' in the future... do you really want your DD's sexual partners staying from now on in? She's 14. Predatory or not, I just think giving them a comfy bed to explore in is really not the way forward at 14.

Shall I say it again - 14. Sorry - call me old fashioned but 14 is too young for all of that being condoned by a parent.

Annunziata · 02/05/2014 22:56

In my house she would not be sleeping over.

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/05/2014 23:03

I think the sexuality is irrelevant. Would you let a 17 yr old boy that you had seen her kissing share her bed?

Original poster

Mandatorymongoose · 02/05/2014 23:04

I am aware of how old she is - I put it in the title and everything.

17 year old has just turned 17 last month.

Fwiw I've currently told Dd I'm not sure how I feel about it and will think it over.

I think my issue is, what happens next time she wants a friend to stay over - how can I know for sure who's a friend and who's a 'friend' ? If I say no then do I say no to any friend staying over just in case? would that encourage her not to be honest with me about what are possibly awkward feelings about her sexuality?

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 02/05/2014 23:23

Sorry I wouldn't let her stay over in my house. 14 is too young to be dealing with that situation and the emotions which go with it.

SoFetch · 02/05/2014 23:26

I wouldn't. If it was a 17 year old boy I'd say no, no different for a same sex r'ship IMO.

Janethegirl · 03/05/2014 00:31

I'd probably say yes on the basis if there's anything sexual going on, I'd prefer it to be open, and that would apply if it was girl-girl or girl-boy because teenagers can make out by day as easily as by night.

unrealhousewife · 03/05/2014 00:45

Underage sex is underage sex regardless of whether it's with a boy or a girl. If you try and wipe the gender difference from your mind it will be easier to say no.

Sexual relationships are illegal under a certain age for a reason - partly because their bodies aren't developed enough to cope but mostly because their minds are very open to influence whether it's in the form of drugs, sex or gambling. So we keep it all at bay for a while while their brains and bodies catch up.

It's not going to hurt her if you say 'no friends overnight', so just say it.

WilsonFrickett · 03/05/2014 00:51

I think you have to start laying it out for her. It's ok to have friends staying over but not sexual partners. You are trusting her to tell you what category someone falls into. If she abuses that trust, no sleepovers ever - either at home or at friends.

Hopefully then her desire to fit in with friends and peers wrt to sleepovers will keep her honest - but you have to have a zero tolerance of mucking about behind your back, IMO.

grumpasaur · 03/05/2014 01:05

I agree with Wilson.

Fwiw, I work in sexual health with young people, and find two things in general: if they want to experiment sexually they will find a way to do so, and the more open a parent is about options and understanding, the fewer risks they take.

So yes, I think that an honest and clear chat is brilliant. Friends can sleep over if they are in the friends category, and friends can sleep over but downstairs if they are in the relationship category. Any lying or hanky panky and privileges are revoked. I suspect she will respect that, and appreciate the opportunity to still be young whilst exploring her sexuality!

RedFocus · 03/05/2014 06:59

I would use the age gap as an excuse as to why it's inappropriate.

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