To let my 14 yr olds GFriend stay over.

[Mandatorymongoose]

Dd is 14, close to 15. She has regularly, over the years, had female friends to stay, including her best friend who's about a year and a half older. When friends stay they tend to share her bed.

Dd has been friends with a 17 yr old girl for a couple of years but recently this friendship has developed in to something more. I don't think it's anything serious really but they're spending a lot of time together and I have spotted them kissing a couple of times.

Dd wants her friend to stay tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit weird about it. I wouldn't let her have a boy stay over but if I didn't happen to know about the kissing I'd happily let her friend stay.

WIBU to let her stay or wibu to say no? I'm not a hundred percent sure what to do for the best.

(I know there's a thread running at the moment with regards to a child coming out and possible grooming so just want to mention I have no worries about anything similar here)

Ha maybe I'm a bit defensive Spring I'm not sure I have the constitution for AIBU really .

Iamnot that's an interesting point and I hadn't considered it.

My parents just had us all sleep in the living room when I had friends over. We were going to just stay up watching movies all night anyway.

That said, it doesn't matter where they sleep. If they're in the same house, they'll find a way. Even if you forbid it, they'll find a way. My parents were super strict and I still managed to sneak out and fool around with boys without them ever finding out.

I'm not sure what I would do honestly. It's never to late to try and have a talk about consent, what a healthy relationship is, and to not do anything she's not 100% ok with. Then lay out the ground rules you don't want them fooling around in the house and if you catch them there will be consequences.

In my opinion 14 year old is too young to condone a sexual relationship in your house, sexuality or gender aside.

Has she actually said to you that she is bi or gay? At 14 or so many of me and my friends were kissing and experimenting sexually but I have never considered myself to be gay or bi. Most of this happened during sleepovers and time alone in our rooms. If you say no to this girl then do you say no to all her friends.

I question why a 17 year old wants to be friends with a 14 year old regardless or gender and sexuality.

(that said one of my oldest and dearest friends is a man who I was friends with when he was 15 and I was 19, his parents wouldn't allow me to come to his house as they disapproved of me. I never met them. He and I are still friends 20 years later.)

Pip I've not really questioned her about how she identifies because I think she's still very young. I know some people are very sure of their sexuality from an early age but lots aren't and especially in teenage years it can be pretty fluid. Labelling it doesn't make much difference to the situation anyway but I'm pretty sure she was kissing this girl because she likes this girl rather than in a messing about with friends way iyswim.

I've put it off for tonight, Dd is fine with that. I explained that it's a new situation and I need to consider it. She gave me her "you're an idiot, stop worrying about things look" but we didn't discuss it any further.

I'll sit down with her this evening when it's quiet and have a proper chat about things.

Boo do you really not have a problem with a 14 year old having sex? Not trying to be inflammatory at all (honestly!) but to me a 14 year old is a child, however grown up they think they are. I think having an honest relationship where you can talk about sex can only be a good thing with your kids but I really do think that 14 is still so young. My neice is 14 and all she talks about is One Direction and fashion and I just can't imagine her being ready for sex at her age. I was certainly nowhere near ready myself. As I said I'm not 'having a go' I'm genuinely interested in your view on this.

Of course teens have sex if they want to. The point is, as parents, do we facilitate this at 14 or not?
I suggest not.

TartanRug it depends on the 14 year old. The OP doesn't seem to have any worries about her DD's maturity and level of understanding. She seems to be comfortable with the 17 year old's character and the tone of the relationship, so no I would not have a problem with that at all. Perhaps your niece is not ready for sex, but then again I would not suggest that all 14 year olds are or that there is an age where people necessarily become ready, it depends on personality, past experiences, confidence, type of relationship they are in, etc. etc. I wouldn't push or encourage your niece to have sex but I wouldn't push or enourage a 14 year who did want to have sex to do it behind my back.

I also think that if a teenager is going to have sex it is better to facilitate it than to push them away. It is better for them to do it in an environment that they perceive as accepting and supportive because if something goes wrong, e.g. a contraceptive failure, a relationship turning controling, a partner asking for more than they are ready to give, perhaps they'll be more likely to come to us for help. If sex is something they feel they have to hide away perhaps they will feel they have to hide the repercussions of sex away and if something goes wrong we'll never know about it.

Being safe and secure in sexual relationships is all about confidence. Confidence to say no, confidence to walk away, confidence to tell someone you need help because things are getting out of your control. I don't think one can build this confidence out of secrecy and worry. By allowing the teen to have sex in the home perhaps we are helping her to say no to sex or aspects of sex that she is not comfortable with. After all sexual awakenings are a gradual process, I don't think many people go from having done nothing to doing everything under the sun in one single night.

There is a big middle ground between facilitating and pushing them away.
You can have lots of support and chats and discussions of contraception without inviting your 14 yr olds sexual partner to stay the night.

John I'm glad that works for you, but how does it work exactly? Does your teen tell you then are about to go have sex in the car, or their partner's house, or wherever and you talk about it, but he/she is not allowed to do it at home? I have this suspicion that for parents whose teens have to hide the actual fact of having sex that imposes barriers to meaningful communication.

No, it means you can have your bf/gf over if you want but they can get a lift/walk/taxi home at midnight/one.
Its not a big deal. I just don't want a succession of gf/bf over putting me (and the little kids) off our breakfast. I don't want my kids to be in 'serious relationships' too early and for me, staying over, easily turns something casual into something more serious.

OK but you are still not explaining how your DCs refrain from having sex in other places, or how talking about contraception but not allowing them to have sex in your house leads to the trusting relationship required to tell you that they are having sex elsewhere.

Out of interest why would you be put off your breakfast by eating it with someone who may have had sex the night before? Clearly I am not suggesting the older DCs have sex in front of you and the younger DCs or on the breakfast table while you are eating, but seeing them a few hours after they may have had sex in private puts you off your food?

I think our main disagreement is that I don't think that stoping a child from having sex in your home will have any effect on whether they have sex anywhere else. It didn't stop me or any of my friends and I can't see how it would stop anyone else either.

They will have sex in other places and they will have sex in my house when I'm out or in the evening - I don't doubt it! And I have if you see my posts, and most other peoples posts, never suggested it would so that's not a point of disagreement at all.

I'm trying to delay them having that kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that involves actually 'sleeping' together and getting up the next morning together. I had sex with boyfriends at parties/in my home, and was always relieved to go our separate ways late in the evening. Its a good boundary. I felt and feel sorry for young couples who are glued together. I think they need time apart.

You've deliberately misinterpreted my comments about the breakfast. I don't care whose had sex with who or when. I just don't want to sit around chatting with random 14 yr olds who I personally haven't invited to stay.

OK I still don't get it. You prefer them to have casual sex than a committed relationship where they actually spend time with each other after sex?

Presumably your DCs have multiple random friends who come over to your place for play dates at all sorts of different times of the day and you make some sort of effort to talk to them? It would be slightly odd if the only friends your DCs were allowed to have over where ones you found interesting and invited over!

Yeah, I'm not interested in 14 yr olds having a 'commited' relationship at all. It's something I actively discourage by not having their "partners" sleepover.
I would rather them not have casual sex until they are older and again I would discourage it by talking about the risks etc.
At present, only mates who I've given the nod to come over for lengthy periods. Dc know who I'm less keen on and why and can see them elsewhere.