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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my 14 yr olds GFriend stay over.

65 replies

Mandatorymongoose · 02/05/2014 22:19

Dd is 14, close to 15. She has regularly, over the years, had female friends to stay, including her best friend who's about a year and a half older. When friends stay they tend to share her bed.

Dd has been friends with a 17 yr old girl for a couple of years but recently this friendship has developed in to something more. I don't think it's anything serious really but they're spending a lot of time together and I have spotted them kissing a couple of times.

Dd wants her friend to stay tomorrow and I'm feeling a bit weird about it. I wouldn't let her have a boy stay over but if I didn't happen to know about the kissing I'd happily let her friend stay.

WIBU to let her stay or wibu to say no? I'm not a hundred percent sure what to do for the best.

(I know there's a thread running at the moment with regards to a child coming out and possible grooming so just want to mention I have no worries about anything similar here)

OP posts:
bragmatic · 03/05/2014 07:18

No.

If I was considering it I'd speak to the other child's parent.

bragmatic · 03/05/2014 07:20

Assuming she's still living at home...

Littleturkish · 03/05/2014 07:27

Wilson and gramp have it.

Good luck, I hope it goes well.

Booboostoo · 03/05/2014 07:36

I think you need to clarify your own views on your DD having romantic partners staying over as opposed to friends, the sex of either does not seem important. Personally I think that if a 14 year old wants to experiement sexually there are many places she can do it and you don't gain much by forbidding her from doing it under your roof. In fact you may risk putting her in a more dangerous situation than if she felt comfortable about what she was doing and knew that it was all out in the open with you (i.e. she'd be more likely to come to you in case she got into trouble).

TartanRug · 03/05/2014 07:51

You're kidding right? Regardless of gender, I would not have a 14 year old and a 17 year old sharing a bed, particularly if you believe there may be a more intense relationship forming.

Fathertedfan · 03/05/2014 08:29

It's a straight no from me. A 14 year old does not have someone sleep over if there are any sexual feelings involved - either girl or boy. 14 is a child. It's not a line I would allow to be crossed.

Booboostoo · 03/05/2014 08:39

TartanRug are you addressing me or the OP? If it's me, no I am not kidding. 14 year olds who want to have sex will do so whether they have their boyfriend/girlfriend staying over or not. The OP seems to have a good, open relationship with her DD and her DD may feel more in control of the relationship, and more able to say 'no' to anything she doesn't like and more willing to talk to her mum about any emotional or physical repercussions of taking steps towards sexual relations, if she feels comfortable in having her girlfriend stay over.

Suppose the OP forbids the girlfriend to stay over, what does she gain? Do you really think a 14 year could not skip school and go to the girlfriend's hour during the day? Or that they couldn't meet up in a car or a friend's house?

The OP has said repeatedly that she has no problems with the age gap. This has to be a decision based on knowing the particulars. Without knowing the individuals involved you can't just say that 14-17 is unacceptable but 14-14 is fine. The 14 year old may be putting pressure and manipulating where the 17 year old may be mature and understanding.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/05/2014 09:00

Why this stay over need? Does she live far away?

14yr olds have sex but staying over with a partner is too much, too young.

A friend was allowed her bf to stay over from an early age. Unbeknown to the parents it was an abusive relationship. I think it's good to keep the home a place of sanctuary.

HillyHolbrook · 03/05/2014 09:20

I was allowed my boyfriend to stay over when I was just turned 15 if and only if there was good reason eg. a late party at a friends house as DPs dad gets up for work at 5am every single day and it would be unfair to have him wait up.

He slept in my sisters bed and she slept with me.

I'm still with him now, but even if it was not serious, or if a boy who was only a friend stayed over, or a girl I was seeing, then that would be the case. Only my platonic female friends shared my bed.

You should talk to your DD openly about what she wants. That's what my mum did, DP and I kissed a lot and experimented a little with touching and things, but we weren't ready for sex and were each others first sexual partners and I told her we weren't ready and that when we were we would take all the necessary precautions etc. I knew I could tell her if I was in trouble, being abused, pregnant, had an STI or anything, and she wouldn't be mad, she would just be there to help me and take the necessary steps. DP also knew that and his parents are the opposite and didn't want to believe their DS was having sex, ever, so we both confided in her when we needed help with anything.

This is no different because it's a girl in question, your DD needs to be sure she's emotionally ready instead of just physically, this girl is more emotionally and sexually mature than her and will want more, whether she pushes DD or not. You can still get STIs from same sex relationships and even if you know this girl, you might not know any others your daughter chooses to see so she needs educating on the appropriate from a of protection.

You need to explain that to her and keep an open relationship to avoid her hiding things she feels she can't tell you and getting upset.

HillyHolbrook · 03/05/2014 09:21

Oh I might add I always needed a reason, right until I moved out, because that was my bed at my house and DP had his bed there to sleep in. We could see each other whenever we liked, even have an empty house during the day, but until we had our bed in our house, he wasn't staying over for the hell of it.

HillyHolbrook · 03/05/2014 09:22

There at his house*

Sorry for multiple postsBlush

TartanRug · 03/05/2014 09:35

BooBoo no my post was not addressing you it was addressing the OP. I see giving this the green light as giving the green light to underage sex, which is not something I could encourage. I had a very open relationship with my mum and we talked about sex etc. but that doesn't mean that she would have let me sleep in the same bed as a 17 year old when I was 14 as she would have seen it as encouraging something to happen. And thats how i see it so we'll have to agree to disagree on this. Of course I could have had sex anywhere I liked, anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that, but I didn't because I understood what I would be getting myself into.

Original poster
Mandatorymongoose · 03/05/2014 09:48

Thank you all for your thoughts, it's really interesting to see different points of view.

I do have to say I subscribe to the thought that if a teenager wants to experiment with sex they will find a way. I very clearly remember what I was like at a similar age and I never had a partner to stay over but found plenty of opportunities all the same.

Dd is generally open with me currently and as teenagers go is pretty well behaved. Not naive but generally mature and sensible. She wouldn't skip school to sneak off but she could easily see her friend in the evenings after school anyway and I have no interest in banning contact between them.

For those that ask about sleepovers in general, it's not a distance thing, most of her friends are quite local. I'm sort of surprised people are surprised, I thought it was pretty common for people to stay at each others houses and stay up late eating junk food and watching movies. It certainly seems to be usual among Dds peers. I'm not willing to ban any sleepovers with anyone ever since that feels punitive towards Dd because of her sexuality.
I'm still not really sure what to do, I might just say "not this weekend" and give it a bit more time to see how things develop and think it through.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 03/05/2014 09:52

A few people have mentioned that they may well easily find opportunuty to explore their relation further during the day and they are right.
And if I think back to my relationships when I was 14-15 we found opportunities to be alone together during the day and did 'explore'. We did not however have full sex and I was at the limit off what I felt comfortable doing. No intense pressure from him to do more, but a bit and a self imposed pressure by wanting to please/be liked.
I honestly think that I would have ended up having sex if we had spent the night togther, and I was not ready for that really until I was a good bit older.

So really its a no to sharing a bed overnight.

TartanRug · 03/05/2014 09:54

Another point Booboo I didnt say 14-14 would be fine, I'm not sure where that came from in my posts?

Poppet1974 · 03/05/2014 10:06

I quite shocked that you're asking, I must be a total prude! YABU. This would not happen in my home, you're effectively saying that it's ok for your 14 year old child to have sexual partners to stay over. No absolutely not ok.

Original poster
Mandatorymongoose · 03/05/2014 10:19

Just to add, as I said at the start I don't think this is a serious relationship, I don't think a bit of kissing classifies them as sexual partners but it is in the more than just friends category. I'm not saying it couldn't develop into a sexual relationship at some point but I don't think that's something Dd is in any rush to do with either gender just yet.

OP posts:
Booboostoo · 03/05/2014 10:30

TartanRug OK sorry I misunderstood. I think we have totally different views on this. I don't have any problem with a nearly 15 year old having sex, I'd have a problem with the quality of the relationship if it was abusive or controlling rather than whether it necessarily involved sex or not. Then again I had sex at 16yo and had done quite a few things as a 15yo before full penetration and it was a positive experience (stayed with bf for 3 years, broke up to go to Uni, stayed friends and had fun with other people for 10 years then got back together 13 years ago).

odyssey2001 · 03/05/2014 10:38

Firstly, bravo for being so open minded. I wish my parents had been about my sexuality.

Anyway, this all comes down to trust in my opinion. Do you trust them to be alone together and to follow you rules? If you do trust her, then you could agree to them staying in the same room but not in the same bed.

SpringBreaker · 03/05/2014 11:40

There seems to be an awful lot of parents of gay teenagers on here all of a sudden.. It's almost like some sort of research is being done..

squoosh · 03/05/2014 11:46

I would not be okay with this. Her being gay would make absolutely no difference.

gotnotimeforthat · 03/05/2014 12:04

springbreaker my thoughts exactly.

Original poster
Mandatorymongoose · 03/05/2014 12:51

Spring, I did mention I know there's a similar sort of thread running at the moment. I'm not researching or trolling, it just happens to have come up this weekend. I imagine that lots of parents do have similar experiences - which is why this is a good place to ask for thoughts.

OP posts:
Iamnotachewtoy · 03/05/2014 13:39

Wouldn't it be easier to make a blanket rule for all sleepovers now and say no bedsharing at all?

Unless you know all her friends are happy to bed share knowing your DD may be bi I would be a bit wary. Not because your daughter will see them all as potential partners but because they or their parents may feel it's inappropriate if they find out later and find out that you knew.

SpringBreaker · 03/05/2014 13:39

I didn't specifically mean you Op. I can see your long posting history, but there does seem to be an unusually high number of similar threads all in a very small space of time.

I can't say that I would say it is something that happens to "lots" of parents either. Certainly a few, but not loads.

Still, it makes a change from MILs and parking spaces Grin